The Transformation Snowball

perfect!!

2012-01-18T07:47:08.039-08:00

perfect!!

I love it. Fiora has been having more screaming t...

2011-08-01T18:12:31.966-07:00

I love it. Fiora has been having more screaming tantrum-like behavior, about things she wants and wants now. There was a huge tantrum a few nights ago because she wanted to watch a movie, and offered to let us set the timer (which often works for things like movie watching when we're reluctant) - good strategy - but it was bedtime and I don't like movies last thing at night for her when we have so little time together what with work. It must've lasted 45 minutes or so. And I found a similar solution - walking away when she was really crazy, waiting not too far away in case she wanted to come over for comfort (which she did), giving her the option of brushing her teeth (after she'd missed brushing them with me for bedtime) since she asked to do it (non-tantrum mode). I'm guessing for us that it's the sense that a baby is coming soon that's making her more desperate feeling? But it was lovely to find that way of being accepting of her, not letting my buttons take over (though I did for a few minutes, it was obviously pointless and felt lousy to boot!), and staying firm and kind! So nice to read your story.

I personally think Dan's suggestion of boxing ...

2011-04-28T18:50:43.113-07:00

I personally think Dan's suggestion of boxing gloves would prove quite humorous to see although probably impractical for a more permanent solution...Maybe if grown ups had more naked time they wouldn't be as cranky! (And I don't at all mean that in a sexual way!)

Ashley

that is so cool! It's so like the effect of h...

2011-03-14T19:15:41.441-07:00

that is so cool! It's so like the effect of having their own money on the buying process in a store.

Geez, I can't believe I just said that, either. :) bummer he lost his wallet, you know? But cool that it has this positive learning experience for him, and that you got to see his strength and resilience.

Wow, that is SO cool. I love how this...education...

2011-02-12T18:02:25.816-08:00

Wow, that is SO cool. I love how this...education of how to trust our children has extended in your life to being able to protect him from a potentially undermining school experience...and demonstrated how conversation with our kids is productive, and so is having the faith to communicate with the teachers as if they are rational people able to hear our deepest thought. You rock, Debby.

Cool, love reading this! I was just thinking that...

2011-02-02T04:55:57.722-08:00

Cool, love reading this! I was just thinking that I need to make a blog entry to keep myself in the mindset, and here you are blowing me away! :) Love the crazy outfits!

Rock on! It's amazing to see how much they ca...

2010-12-23T10:47:22.107-08:00

Rock on! It's amazing to see how much they can do!

I still want to hear how dinners are going....!

So sweet! Toby seems like such a loving boy.k

2010-11-23T19:53:40.368-08:00

So sweet! Toby seems like such a loving boy.k

Wow, I only make cooked breakfasts on weekends and...

2010-11-21T17:30:30.488-08:00

Wow, I only make cooked breakfasts on weekends and not even most of them. We have established a few items Toby likes enough to eat before school: the microwave oatmeal, frozen flax waffles, pumpkin bread, Cheerios. So I will make those even easier for him than they already are, and try to add a couple of other attractive possibilities. Thanks for the ideas.

We don't quite have this problem, but I do hav...

2010-11-19T10:37:46.733-08:00

We don't quite have this problem, but I do have very skinny kids. Making breakfast for my oldest puts her behind because she 'doesn't know what to eat/ there isn't anything to eat.' Mostly she just doesn't want to make the effort. At the beginning of school we did a school roadmap for her. We agreed that on Monday, Wednesday & Friday I would make breakfast. I fix good hot breakfasts for the family: eggs and toast, oatmeal, puff pancake/ german pancake, sometimes french toast, pancakes or muffins. I try to keep it pretty easy for me, I am NOT a morning person, ans make sure I give myself enough time to make it in the morning. Tuesday and Thursday the kids are responsible for getting their own breakfast. I am willing to teach them to make easy stuff and encouraging them to ask the other if they want what they making if they are making something like oatmeal or eggs and toast.

But I hate the question: "Mom, what's for breakfast? I don't want that! Can we have (fill in the blank) instead?"

Sabine is Sweetie Heart is 8 and in the 3rd grade. She *can* make breakfast on her own but this is the balance we have agreed on together. Just a thought.

By back off I mean I stopped trying to do anything...

2010-11-03T13:24:23.772-07:00

By back off I mean I stopped trying to do anything about it. I stopped trying to make it stop. I think. Not sure exactly how it is different from leaving the room, but the energy is very different.

Did you tell D to bring it to Family Meeting? I would love to hear what solutions they suggest for that one!

I'm SO happy to hear the screamfests have been...

2010-11-03T07:41:02.352-07:00

I'm SO happy to hear the screamfests have been reduced. By 'back off' do you mean you're just pretending nothing is going on when they occur?

Heh heh - the TV compromise amuses me. Love that you were willing to work out something that worked for both of you!

We had a similar thing happen in our house -- we planned to switch from AT&T to Comcast to save $, but would get fewer channels. Daniel was very unhappy with this, so we suggested that if he were willing to cover the difference in cost each month, we'd be willing to keep ATT. At $65 a month difference, he wasn't willing to do it... but the conversation didn't end because he kept insisting that WE should be willing to pay out the $65 even though HE was the only one who cared about losing the channels!

great idea for training! Love it. And like you s...

2010-10-07T04:25:03.159-07:00

great idea for training! Love it. And like you said, if you leave things on his list that you can do without, maybe stuff the kids like to have in the house to snack on then it makes it more likely they will hold it together. I also liked that you explained about security and adult behavior. Great stuff!!

Wow, sounds like it feels pretty good? I know tha...

2010-09-30T11:19:55.834-07:00

Wow, sounds like it feels pretty good? I know that's tough to do, bravo for you!!

I don't know if it helps at all, but sometimes Fiora goes a week without a bath! Our evenings are hectic enough with her independent spirit and my late work nights that we haven't pushed it. Of course, at least she enjoys baths and when she wants to or is dirty she'll happily take a bath most of the time - which is a triumph considering that as a baby she did NOT like them. ;) And she gets her hair washed maybe once a month? (It doesn't get greasy, so it's not that hard to let it go.) She's scared of soap and water in her eyes. But now...she's starting to experiment with getting her hair wet on her own, and instigating hair washing on her own - that shocked me, but I'm so pleased with that choice.

HURRAY!! Good job mom!! I used to tell my dd s...

2010-09-28T16:56:49.547-07:00

HURRAY!! Good job mom!!

I used to tell my dd she HAD to bathe 3x a week, and one of those days had to be Saturday and that was the day she HAD to wash her hair. I wouldn't want the hairy eyeball from anyone at church. :) She always asked me to help wash her hair, she's 8! I knew she *could* do it because she had, she just didn't want to. Plus I had to remind, nag and argue her into it.

Now that I have let it go she is deciding when to shower and is washing her hair all by herself. I still ask about the dirty underwear. Like you said, often I just scoop it up. Then she doesn't have a choice.

Baby steps for all!

I can't believe how long her hair WAS!!!! I b...

2010-09-24T18:03:41.514-07:00

I can't believe how long her hair WAS!!!! I bet you're proud of letting go - she does look awfully happy. :)

Makes me think of teaching "keep up with the ...

2010-09-21T08:17:27.057-07:00

Makes me think of teaching "keep up with the Jones!" Seems worth reviewing and seeing if its really a value, or what it means to "not be cheap." And if that's a value that you really want to teach (as parents).

Me, I always thought gift-giving was about giving something you think someone else might like - sometimes it's a risk, sometimes it's something you KNOW they'll like, sometimes it's something YOU like. But it's about the giving, not about tabulating or status. (Though I know it's more about status in some cultures) Worth figuring out giving means, too....! We certainly haven't delved into that yet, but perhaps we have more forgiving friends?

Yeah, my solution was to redefine dessert as fruit...

2010-09-14T04:40:04.315-07:00

Yeah, my solution was to redefine dessert as fruit so it could be unlimited, Dan's the same but veggies! Clearly not going to fly. The problem isn't dessert, it's his unwillingness to find some way to cope with toddler crying - it's his feeling of lack of control over his own life. I think!

Mmm, tricky. I like the idea of the problem being...

2010-09-13T19:13:21.055-07:00

Mmm, tricky. I like the idea of the problem being not about the desserts, but about mom not giving desserts if they're not earned. Gads, I'm so not clear here! But thinking that there's something about they way problems are phrased that encourages real problem solving... Or about our own (parents') ability to say that there are never more than 2 desserts a day, so is there another way to deal with this? A dessert that mom is okay with, for instance?

Mmm, great reading about! I'm so looking forward to how it works out!

Oh, lordy, just wrote a HUGE comment, and it disap...

2010-09-12T13:53:39.540-07:00

Oh, lordy, just wrote a HUGE comment, and it disappeared into the ether! Well, natural consequences will hopefully teach me to copy my comments when the computer seems to be doing something wonky...!

I had a fun riff about clean and dirty clothes - mostly recent musings about how clean clothes and pajamas were SO important back in the day when the day clothes would get so dirty from farm or kitchen work, and how sometimes my clothes at the end of the day are as good as clean (not that often, but sometimes, definitely). Things our kids make us think about! Nothing really useful, I fear, but intended in appreciation of you and other mommas bringing up the issue of clean and dirty clothes with our kids.

It also seems to me like Toby is doing great with your agreement about the clothes, in that he's accepting the consequences with no fuss. He's just not doing what you'd like him to do (ie, clean clothes daily), BUT he's living up to the agreement really well. (Hm, maybe some revenge energy could be coming from the feeling that he's living up the agreement but that's not enough???) With what he's choosing, maybe y'all could have some fun sniff games and compare 1-2 day old clothes and see if there's any difference! ;)

One thing that helps us sometimes when Fiora is getting really resistant is to be generous with ourselves - to play chase (her favorite game!), or have a tickle fest, or get excited about doing some drawing or clay with her, or make silly faces at each other, or put on some good music and dance. It's like a reminder for us all that even this big responsibility stuff is all about being able to enjoy each other, that's our bottom line, and that's what matters to us. It doesn't feel like a lesson, I'll hasten to add, rather it's like a heartfelt reminder.

And I gotta say, that parenting with courage session has really helped me recognize how often I offer my decisions using external ideas rather than decisions from my own sense of myself, and fiora definitely responds better to the latter! Hmmm, perhaps I should post....

Hugs to you!

We were struggling over bathing, also - so I asked...

2010-09-10T20:03:53.689-07:00

We were struggling over bathing, also - so I asked him to come up with an idea about how he wanted to wash all over with soap and shampoo his hair at least once a week. I invited him to propose any plan that met those minimum criteria - and he picked baths on Monday nights. I hope putting him in charge solves that problem.

He has swimming on Thursdays - if I can grab his dirty clothes when he changes for swimming, and when he takes his bath, he'll have to put on clean underwear at least twice a week. He doesn't mind going commando either - which, with no baths, is really pushing the envelope.

Hearing that you are letting go of your DD putting her dirty undies back on makes me feel not so bad. Thanks!

I know how you feel. My dd (8) seems to always wa...

2010-09-10T17:20:18.514-07:00

I know how you feel. My dd (8) seems to always want to wear the same clothes. She only showers when I remind her on Saturday nights. I make her take a shower and wash her hair before church on Sunday. She will even put dirty underwear back on after her shower if I don't check. Ugh. I hate it but mostly I am letting it go.

We're having lots of aggression and frustration on many levels here at our house too. I'm putting it to the transition and swelling of the new school year. I am doing my best not to fill that space right now. Just allowing the swell and moving forward with goals. We are beginning to settle in and then we will come back and build a roadmap together for a successful school year.

Baby steps all the way. hang in there, he will not be wearing dirty underwear when he dates. That said, I'm not above going in and taking dirty clothes out of her hamper so she can't wear them again when they are filthy. :)

Wow, Debby...was it that you picked a different co...

2010-09-06T17:22:54.598-07:00

Wow, Debby...was it that you picked a different consequence that had nothing to do with your zooming blood pressure? The kids' response is so interesting - gotta be satisfying, too (even if it somehow is shorter rather than longer, but I'm crossing my fingers for you!). Were they somehow feeling too much responsibility for those interactions, and were relieved when you took some direct response that they could understand and take direction from? I don't know, but congratulations.

Ooh, this sounds like such a lovely discovery! Ca...

2010-09-06T17:16:09.090-07:00

Ooh, this sounds like such a lovely discovery! Can't wait to read on into the past and see what's been going on with screamfest....

Remember Vicki's "plan" for creating...

2010-08-31T18:48:56.982-07:00

Remember Vicki's "plan" for creating a problem the kids will acknowledge? Like, you tell the kids you are going to walk away and they get upset...you then ask them if they have a problem with you walking away when they're screaming. If they say yes, you say that you can write it on the problem board for next family meeting and see what kinds of solutions y'all can come up with. Without you having to bring it up, the topic of the screamfests is brought to the table (and then you get to breath and try to stay unattached to outcome and curious and proud of whatever discussion happens, right! ;) ), without it ever being YOUr problem. We tried bringing our problems to the table, and Fiora seemed SO disenfranchised, which I totally didn't expect.

Anyway, thinking of you, when the kids challenge us, they're always teaching us something!!