The Transformation Snowball

Quick example

2012-01-16T19:22:00.000-08:00

A snippet of daily life, PonT in action:
My kids love the haircut place with the video games and prizes, but they get crappy haircuts. I have been asking them to go to my hair stylist (who is also cheaper), and offering that they get to use my phone to play games and get some prize afterwards, but they want the kids' place. I was tormented by this, and started to think to myself, "I am the parent. I can just take them where I want to take them. Where else in my life am I willing to pay more for something of lower quality??" Then... I thought for a minute, how would PonT address this situation? And it came to me in a flash of brilliance. I asked the kids if their preference for the kids' place was worth enough to them to pay the difference. And it wasn't, so they willingly came to my hair salon and got gorgeous cuts - and had fun since they were the center of attention. No conflict or power struggle, no overruling their desires! Thank you!

Tantrum

2011-07-31T17:25:00.000-07:00

Haven't posted in a long time. Dan and I just got back from a couples' workshop, so that's got me thinking about all kinds of issues. This was our first time away together without children, two nights. Here is what happened when we got home:

The children both greeted us enthusiastically and joyfully. Hazel wanted all my attention for the first hour or more. After dinner, we called Family Meeting. When she arrived, she wanted to be Chairperson, but this week was Toby's turn. She refused to take any of the other 3 jobs available and began screaming. The rest of us went into another room and shut the door. She continued to scream outside the door.

Here I will insert a little background information - a couple of weeks ago, she got some bug bites that were really bothering her. Over the next couple of days, we went through a variety of remedies to help her, including itch cream, ice packs, Ace bandages, popcorn (not to eat, but to apply to the bug bite!), bandaids. I guess she realized that her complaints got her a lot of attention, because she started shrieking about her leg pain (=itchy bites) any time she was not happy about something. I say no to ice cream for breakfast? Her legs suddenly hurt unbearably. Etcetera. I wanted to attend to her discomfort and express caring, but not to reinforce that behavior as a control strategy. It had gotten to the point that if she began shrieking immediately after being thwarted in some desire, I would just walk away.

So... the screaming outside the door of Family Meeting quickly became calls for Mommy to help her with her legs hurting. When she came into the meeting room, Dan went out and put one bandaid on her and told her she needed to wait until after the meeting, then we would help her more. She continued to howl but did not come into the room where we were. We were able to finish the meeting.

As soon as the meeting was over, Dan and I both went to her. She had stopped yelling and was in fact sneaking extra dessert. As soon as we came into the room, she started crying and thrashing around, kicking her legs and saying, "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch, ouch, ouch!!!" We sat quietly near her on the floor as she continued to have this kicking tantrum for around 45 minutes with no decrease in volume. We just sat there with her, and I occasionally put my hand on her back. Sometimes she accepted it and sometimes she squirmed away. She never asked us to do anything for her leg pain, and we didn't offer. Eventually, very gradually, she nudged into the crook of my arm so I could put my arm around her. Still screaming, crying, and kicking, she slowly squirmed onto my lap. She let me put my arms around her but continued in the same vein. Again, after a long time, she slowly began losing steam. One yell would be a little weaker, then a bunch of loud ones, then another weaker one. She soon began nodding off and then fell completely asleep.

While PonT wouldn't support our keeping vigil with her during her tantrum, I felt that this was good for her tonight. She needed to reconnect after our time away, was obviously exhausted and having a tough time coping. We gave her space to express her unhappiness and remained unconditionally accepting. I let her decide when and how to come to me, and received her lovingly even though she was still in her tantrum. Because this was all non-verbal and we maintained a neutral, passive attitude, I didn't feel like we were indulging her or reinforcing the behavior.

After a whole weekend of listening to adults talk about how what they didn't get from their parents has impacted how they can relate in their partner relationships, I am ever more mindful of trying to meet my children's needs. Not to satisfy their every whim, but to help them feel valued and heard, capable and respected. Tricky.

Homework

2011-06-11T06:47:00.000-07:00

I wanted to make this a separate post because it's a totally different topic. Over the past 3 weeks, Toby has started to slack off on school work. One assignment was handed in late, the next one remained unfinished on the kitchen counter for a week past its due date and then disappeared. A project was never completed. Homework sheets were abandoned on the kitchen floor. I was starting to get really concerned but wasn't sure what to do, especially since we were smack in the middle of DNSN. But today I addressed it.

I asked Toby what had ever happened with the project. He said he wasn't sure, that he couldn't do it because I forgot to take him somewhere. I asked if that meant he had not handed anything in, and he admitted that he had not. I asked if he had discussed it with his teacher, and he said no. I said that I had noticed that there had been a few homework assignments that he hadn't done, and asked what he thought about it. Didn't know. I asked if there was anything going on at school that was making it hard for him to do his work, or anything bothering him, and he said he didn't think so. He was starting to get upset and teary. I told him that I wasn't angry and he wasn't in trouble, but rather that I was concerned about him not meeting his school responsibilities. I also told him that I wanted him to know that I try to stay out of his school business because I think it's important for him to learn how to manage his own responsibilities - but that doesn't mean that I'm ignoring it. I am paying attention and I care. I told him that his dad and I are always available to help him work out any problems he might be having, and if he doesn't want to talk to us, there are other adults at school he can turn to. And then I stopped talking.

I did not make him do the old work. I did not make him talk to his teacher. I did not punish him or institute new rules about homework before privileges. What I did was to offer support and demonstrate concern and attention. I suggested that we address this situation the same way we are approaching nutrition - leave it up to him unless things seem to be getting out of control, at which time we could do some problem-solving together. He agreed to this and we were soon playing and laughing together. I felt pretty positive about the interaction and how I handled it, but now I want to see what he does. I wondered if this was a sort of test to see if anyone would notice. It was tough to hold myself back from all the things you think you're supposed to do in a situation like that, discipline, policing, etc. Now I watch my child and learn more about him.

Clean-up day

2011-06-11T06:25:00.000-07:00

I wrote a nice, juicy post yesterday about the week as a whole and my final analysis, but the computer ate it. Here's the wrap-up, hopefully I'll recreate the analysis part afterwards.

Today the children wanted to go to the local amusement park. I told them we needed to do a big part of the clean-up first, then I would take them. I gave them each an empty laundry basket, and the first game was for each child to go through the house and collect all their own clothes that they found - whoever had fewer clothes in their basket at the end was the winner, but if I found any article of clothing left around the house, that person would be disqualified. They eagerly ran around, gathering their items. Hazel had fewer clothes in her basket, but neither won because they both had overlooked a few things. Then we carried the baskets to the laundry room together, and they put everything in the washer.

For the second game, each child got a plastic bag. They were sent to collect any pieces of food that they could find left out, and whoever had more in their bag at the end was the winner. Toby won that one with 8 1/2 ounces, compared to Hazel's six.

The third game brought back the laundry baskets. Each child was told to gather up any of their own possessions they found lying around the house, as well as any mess that they had made. Both baskets came back quite full! Both children were declared winners of round 3 - but to be eligible to receive their prize, every item in the baskets needed to be put away in its proper place.

We spent about 45 minutes and cleaned up about 90% of the mess. The prizes consisted of the trip to the amusement park and an increase in the amount of spending money they got for the day there. We also held hands and did a few victory jumps together. A positive grand finale for everyone.

The major points of learning from this week:

- Hazel is still too young to get much out of this exercise - very little sense of consequence
- Toby was nearly perfect with dental care on his own
- both children got themselves to bed at a reasonable time almost every night
- both children continued to eat a variety of healthy foods
- neither child ate sweets to excess (they barely seemed to eat any more than I would have allowed anyway)
- they both enjoyed more screen time than is normally allowed but also continued to participate in other activities like outside time and reading
- neither child performed ANY contributions the entire week

So we agreed as a family to suspend food and dessert rules and evaluate in one month. This is huge for me, as surrendering control over nutrition was unthinkable before. And I will stop interfering in Toby's oral hygeine. Screen time agreements are still in effect, but next time around I think I'll be ready to let go of that completely and see where it takes us.

I got a lot out of this week, I think it really moved us forward.

Day 3

2011-06-07T18:37:00.000-07:00

These are my biggest issues with DNSN this time around:

1. Toby's oral hygeine due to brand-new retainer
2. Hazel toileting independently
3. Hazel's pacifier access (usually they are put out of reach during the day)

Those are the areas where I am really struggling to balance DNSN with the survival of Toby's teeth and our furniture, and avoiding serious regression in the pacifier weaning. The house is starting to look really disastrous, stuff spread all over the floor in nearly every room, including bread crusts and spilled bags of cookies. We are running out of food because grocery shopping is Toby's contribution for the month, and he hasn't mentioned anything about us going.

Here are some of the things my children handled on their own with no parental interference:

TOBY (7)
- brushed his teeth 3 times in the past 24 hours
- wore his retainer whenever he wasn't eating or brushing
- got up on time and out to the bus on time
- packed and remembered his lunch and backpack
- spent time reading
- got ready for bed and went to sleep at the usual time

HAZEL (3)
- used the potty several times
- wiped herself for pee
- washed her hands afterwards
- closed the car door after getting out
- dressed herself once
- put on her shoes
- took off her shoes when entering the house

They are both enjoying the absence of parental restrictions on screentime and dessert, but neither are overindulging too outrageously. I am actually shocked at how little extra dessert they have had - good for me to see, that is an area where I have a lot of difficulty surrendering control. Both children have continued to eat fairly healthy diets.

This go-round may teach me more than anyone else.

Day 2

2011-06-06T15:59:00.000-07:00

Neither child brushed their teeth this morning - Toby forgot and Hazel refused. I restrained myself from witholding dessert (brushing is a dessert responsibility) and left it up to them - Hazel camped out in front of the laptop with a bag of cookies. Toby announced, "I'm going to do computer. I'm not asking because it's Do Nothing, Say Nothing week." He did go to school and do his homework. They both brushed last night. They both ate dinner. Hazel nearly came to my La Leche League meeting in a pajama top and nothing else. She dumped some poopy pee water out of her little potty on her way to pour it into the toilet.

But all is well. The only time I have raised my voice was in alarm when Hazel almost whacked a baby in the head with a doll stroller, by accident. So far, so good. House getting progressively messier, but still no perishable food left out to spoil. Love my kids!

DNSN Again!

2011-06-05T15:52:00.000-07:00

Urged on by the amount of yelling I was doing, today we started another Do Nothing, Say Nothing week, the first since a few days last summer. My immediate feeling after discussing it at Family Meeting was - freedom! I don't want to do anything, for anybody. But I will try to keep in mind that the purpose is not for me to have a vacation, but to see what the kids can or will do for themselves if we're not doing it for them - and how they will manage themselves if we're not doing that for them. So far today Toby skipped toothbrushing, asked permission for dessert and computer, and asked for help making his lunch. Hazel has been naked for the past 7 hours - except after she fell asleep I put a diaper on her because I just wasn't up to the whole inevitable laundry or sleep-in-pee quandry that would follow. We have a few little messes around but nothing perishable so far. My hope for this week is for the children to discover new things they can do themselves, amd for me to regain some tolerance for less control and more chaos.

Other people's children

2011-05-18T15:55:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to pay more attention lately to getting back to PonT strategies. One that I have used pretty consistently is to get out of the car when the kids are screaming or fighting or pretend-crying. I let them know that it is not safe for me to drive with that going on in the car, and they should tap on the window when they are done and ready to go. It usually works pretty quickly to calm things down, or else they get a good vent without my having to listen to it. I can't remember a situation where I was so urgent to get somewhere that I couldn't follow through with this technique.

Hazel sometimes spends a good long time yelling by herself in the car. If I let her know that *now* is when we have to go if she doesn't want to miss her class or gymnastics or whatever, then she can stop right away. But she can be pretty stubborn.

On Wednesdays I bring Hazel to a friend's house in the morning, while I go to Zumba. The friend's grandma watches the girls, then I come back and we all have lunch, then I take the girls to gymnastics class. Today the girls decided they both wanted to sit in the carseat that has pockets on the sides. The friend sat in it and Hazel refused to get in the other one. There was some crying, and I offered to teach them scissors/paper/rock so they could figure out who gets to sit in that carseat first (I did declare that they would switch for the ride back). Hazel was not interested in that, so I said I would wait outside while they figured it out. I got out and shut the door. Then the grandma came out on her way to the store.

It must have looked odd. I explained that they both wanted to sit in the same seat, and I was letting them sort it out. Before she drove away, she asked me if her granddaughter was crying. No, she was fine, but Hazel was still sitting between the front seats. After a few more minutes, I stuck my head in and said it was time to go if they wanted to get to gymnastics on time. I said when I saw two girls in seats, I would buckle them and we could go. Hazel then got into a seat and, to their delight, I taught them the game, which they played during the whole car ride. Everyone happy! We were on time! Worked out beautifully and no one was upset (especially me).

I have never applied PonT to other people's children before. I know from experience that the grandma insists on her granddaughter wearing her raincoat and things like that. After the class, the girl refused to put her pants back on. Now, that would be fine with me - after all, we're only getting into and out of the car - but I knew the grandma wouldn't like it if I brought her back with naked legs in the chilly rain. I decided that I wouldn't let felt judgement push me into a conflict with this little girl over something silly. Luckily, a bit later, I just held out her pants and she got into them while she was paying attention to something else. Problem solved.

It felt like a big success to me to avoid two rabbit holes in the space of an hour - and when people from "the outside world" are involved, it is so much easier to fall in. I love handing the responsibility over to the children. I have experienced time and time again how virtually any involvement on my part just fuels the fire of whatever drama is going on. Gives me a little boost to do it again next time.

Problem Solving

2011-04-25T14:42:00.000-07:00

Although my kids are very resistant to using the Problem List at Family Meeting, we have been able to use the Problem Solving method with success several times. Dan presented his problem at the meeting: "I have a problem when people run around the house naked, sticking their hands in their tushies and putting tushie germs on everything."

Here are the proposed solutions:
Dan - wear boxing gloves whenever naked to prevent tushie hands
me - kids are just not allowed to touch anything in the house
Hazel - hop on one foot for ten minutes (??)
Toby - no being naked unless you're changing your clothes or in the bathroom

Dan chose Toby's solution, everyone gave it a "five" (agreement) and we tried it for a week. At the next meeting, we asked how this solution had been working, and Hazel frowned and shook her head "no." With some questioning, she managed to explain that she missed some naked time especially when we play a chase-and-strip game (our most recent and successful solution to the problem of wearing dirty clothes for 5 days in a row). So she modified the previous solution to include an exception for the game, and everyone agreed to try this for a week and monitor tushie hands.

How awesome is it that a 3-year-old can critique and influence family policy successfully?

a new experience

2011-02-28T18:56:00.000-08:00

While we were on vacation in Mexico, Toby lost his wallet. We had an annoying 3-bus trip back from a park to our hotel, and we think it was left on the second bus while he was distracted playing with our new camera. He had about $20 plus about $4 worth of pesos in it, and it had been made for him by a friend of ours. He tends to carry it in his hand instead of putting it in a pocket, and so he often puts it down.

We went together and asked the person at the tour desk to call the bus company, and gave whatever information we could remember. He held out hope for a couple of days that it would turn up. As the wallet's real loss dawned on him, Toby told me how much money he thought he'd had in it, and "so that's how much you should give me." I responded that when I have lost money, no one gave it back to me. He understood and got very upset for about an hour. We offered sympathy and when he was feeling better, we told stories of awful losses we have experienced (all our belongings packed into a car that got stolen, for example).

He handled it much better than I would have expected. Today he said, "Next time I won't bring my wallet to another country. I'll only bring it if I know I'm going to want to buy something." So he's taking in the experience and processing some learning from it. Amazingly, there was no whining or asking for things to be bought for him. It really seemed like after the initial reality sank in, he resigned himself to the situation and kept moving forward.

Reading Log

2011-02-07T17:38:00.000-08:00

About a week ago, a paper came home from school addressed "Dear Parent". It informed me that my child would now be bringing home a Reading Log every night and asked that I make sure he reads at least 20 minutes a night, and records the book title and pages and minutes read on his log. And that I make sure he brings borrowed books back to school. I read the letter to Toby. Over the next few days, I asked him what he was reading each evening, and if he had completed his log. And I noticed an immediate change.

Toby is a huge reader, as I have mentioned before. He will often read a chapter book in one sitting, brings books to read in the car, etc. And as soon as I started meddling in his relationship with books, it changed. He became reluctant to read, would read for the prescribed 20 minutes only, and had to be pushed repeatedly to complete his log. It didn't take me long to decide that this was counter-productive.

I wrote an email to his teacher explaining that he normally reads at least as much as she wanted, if not more, and books that challenged him - but that as soon as the Reading Log began, his reading became a power struggle between us. I wrote, "I don't want to mess up something with my interference, that was working fine without it." I let her know that I would be leaving Toby's reading decisions up to him, that I felt comfortable with his ability and motivation to push himself, without my involvement. I asked her to address it with him, if the log did not meet her expectations.

She said that was fine with her.

Today he read for about an hour and a half.

A successful communication of confidence in my child, a clear demonstration of how our interference can undermine their efforts, and a constructive interaction with his teacher. Win!

A new year!

2011-01-31T18:53:00.000-08:00

So Toby went to school without any pants.

And I didn't say a word.

Okay, he was wearing longjohns, so it wasn't like his white chicken legs were poking out of his snowboots - but it was definitely something I would never have even considered keeping quiet about in years past. Apparently, no harm came to him, no teasing, no calls to me from Children's Services, all was well, and I was able to let him live his own life. While sometimes it drives me crazy, there is a certain charm to his utter lack of concern about his appearance. Much like his dad.

I am finally getting my butt in gear with a reboot of PonT for the new year. Made a new and improved list of most prominent Useless Behaviors for each child, and my most glaring Interfering Strategies. Unfortunately the lists displayed some regression from past progress, I suppose that ebbs and flows. My new list of Enhancing Strategies was very satisfying, though. A lot of PonT stuff has become second nature, or I have found my own interpretation that unfolds naturally.

Do you think I could get away with stopping the Interfering Strategies without having to do a Do Nothing, Say Nothing week?

Then I made some headway with my lists of the skills the kids have and do spontaneously, have but don't do spontaneously, and skills they need to learn. Awesome progress on those since last year! Then I ran out of energy. Timeline for Training is on hold. My goal for this week is to make note of when I am upset with the children, notice what they are doing, how I feel, and what strategy I would normally use first. And try something different. Then look at my list and see who's after which Mistaken Goals of Behavior. Which leads me to the Four Cs and where to put my focus in nourishing the true displayed need.

So much to remind myself of. Good stuff. I can see and feel the lapses, I have lost some focus and the kids' behavior reflects that. Back on Track!

P.S. Hazel's outfit of choice these days is her kelly green Buzz Lightyear pajamas. She wears them at least 3 days a week, sometimes consecutively.

Year-end assessment

2010-12-18T06:45:00.000-08:00

Last night I re-read the whole blog. As I went, I made a list of each issue or skill that has improved over the past year. It's huge! So affirming to see it in print.

Toby:
waking up on time by himself
making lunch independently
doing homework and projects without reminders
brushing teeth without reminders
willing to be responsible for checking out library books
folding and putting away laundry
showering independently
saying "please" and "thank you" spontaneously
agreeing to requests, helping out
thinking of Appreciations
asking for timer to be set in the morning, out to bus on time
clearing dishes after dinner
stopped using pull-ups at night
no spitting
uses timer for computer time consistently, without reminders
table manners
rudeness/bossiness/shrieking/arguing much improved, now rare
Screamfests much less often

Hazel:
getting off big bed by herself
using the toilet
getting dressed and undressed by herself
putting on/taking off shoes and coat
using "please, thank you, you're welcome"
thinking of Appreciations
getting a drink of water
washing hands
sleeping much improved
nearly weaned
sleeps until 7 a.m.
cooperates with bedtime routine

How immensely gratifying, to see returns on the enormous energy investment I have made with all the PonT strategies. Big motivator to stick with it!

Giving thanks

2010-11-23T19:03:00.000-08:00

Today I helped in Toby's classroom with a Thanksgiving project. Toby stepped away from his project several times to come kiss or hug me. I suppose it could just be his personality, or our family style - but it could also have something to do with Vicki's story about other mothers asking her how she and her children appeared to actually like each other. I didn't notice any other parents getting kisses in class. For this in my life I am thankful!

Make and serve him breakfast?

2010-11-19T06:43:00.000-08:00

So - I had resigned from making or even suggesting breakfasts for Toby, some time ago. Sometimes he ate, sometimes not, I kept quiet. I found a microwave oatmeal he really liked and could make himself, and then he was eating breakfast very consistently for awhile. We had the opportunity to have a conversation about how he feels different in his body at school when he eats in the morning vs. not. But eventually the allure of the new oatmeal waned and he went back to once or twice a week having no breakfast at all. I was dealing with it okay.

Yesterday he had his annual doctor visit, and his weight is in the first percentile (99% of kids his age weigh more) and his height is in the 4th. The doctor was very disturbed about the breakfast thing and really insisted that he eat something before school, and that I make sure it happens. There are more details but I guess this is sliding into the "morally or physically dangerous" area in which we are supposed to intervene. Although we do know several other families in which the kids were tiny and the parents were tormented by the pediatricians - all children of physicians, and all kids who eat a variety of healthy foods. Anyway, I feel frustrated because I know Toby is perfectly capable of bringing a baggie of Cheerios to school to eat, vs. buying a box of Cheerios at school. He likes to use his allowance to buy breakfast at school, and as long as he has the money, he buys it and eats it. But I am not willing to finance this as it costs one TENTH to eat the same foods from home.

I am going to spend a couple of weeks preparing and serving him simple breakfasts, which he can eat at home or take with him. Then I am going to work on gradually having him take over the items one at a time, so he is still eating from home but he is taking care of it himself. Did I surrender that to him too early? The doctor said it is unusual for kids to not want to eat in the morning, when they aren't eating breakfast it is most often because there is no food in the house - but I know from other PonT blogs that plenty of these kids will leave the house without eating if left to their own devices. The difference is, I'm sure, are the kids being presented with something tasty and appealing in front of them, ready to eat with no effort on their part? I would eat every day if someone was doing that for me.

Finding the balance...

Quick update

2010-11-02T20:17:00.000-07:00

Things have been running along fairly smoothly here. Screamfests seem to have (knock wood!) died down quite a bit. They are so much less frequent and they are brief. It is a miracle! I really don't know what did it - I spent months leaving the room and closing the door, weeks taking away dessert, and finally sort of decided to just back off?? Everything is just plugging along - we started a different Contributions organization a month or so ago and that's working pretty well. There are two piles of tongue depressor sticks, one with daily jobs and one with as-needed jobs, and we each pick two of each type. The sticks have magnets on the back and everything goes on a magnetic white board, four jobs under each person's name, displayed in the kitchen. The kids are not doing too much on their own initiative but they do a lot with "Yes, As Soon As." Dan has been pretty content with the new arrangement. There is opportunity for trading sticks in the meeting, one of each type. We have had one week of each child planning the dinners! Very entertaining - I prompt for multiple food groups and they pick items to round out the meals. During Toby's week we had pasta three nights out of four.

Lots of different specific situations have come up that seemed interesting enough for the blog, relevant enough in regards to PonT, but I didn't get to it. Here is today's:

We have been planning to cancel our TV service, which we started a month or so ago in connection with getting faster internet service (which was the real goal, but couldn't be accessed without also purchasing the TV). Now that the internet is established, we can cancel the TV and keep the fast internet. I was going to do it today, and before I got to it, Toby announced that there is going to be an AWESOME SpongeBob special on November 11th. The kids knew that our TV service was temporary and was going to be cancelled soon. I told him that I had been planning to do it today, but perhaps we could figure out a compromise. I offered to calculate how much the TV cost per day, then the total for keeping it 9 extra days, and split that evenly with him. If it was worth that amount of money to him to keep the TV long enough to watch this show, then I would be willing to pay half. I asked if that sounded fair, and he agreed. When he found out it would only cost him $5, he was thrilled and thought he got a great deal.

Groceries

2010-10-06T18:18:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to figure out how to train Toby to grocery shop. Previously, when he picked that as his contribution, I would bring him with me and ask him questions about how to find things in the store as we went through. I always ended up feeling impatient, annoyed, rushed, and angry - and I'm sure he didn't get much out of it. So I realized that trying to bring him into the major weekly shop for the family is too pressured and overwhelming, for both of us. Today I did a big shop just with Hazel, and left about 10 items from the list. When Toby came home from school, we went to the store and I gave him the list. We had lots of time and my primary objective was to support his learning. I followed him around the store as he looked for the items on the list, and when he saw additional things he wanted, we decided whether he would buy them himself or if they would be part of the family purchase. I said I would be happy to pay for anything marginally healthy, that we don't already have a bunch of at home. We went halvsies on a chocolate cake (his idea). Things went well (although very, very slowly) until Hazel started crying about something - I think maybe Toby gave her a little shove. He lost it, as usual, so there we are in the store with a screamfest in progress. I told them we had to leave, and he started screaming that he needed to buy some more things. I managed to calm Hazel (who had not napped and got a very painful flu shot this morning) and then we were able to get our last two items. We celebrated a successful shop in the car on the way home. Later I explained that if an adult started screaming in the store, security would escort them out, and so if they do that, we also need to leave immediately - it is too disruptive to other shoppers. I think he got a lot more out of this trip than any other grocery shopping trip, the scaled-down goal was a big improvement. Today's experience taught me to limit his list to things I can do without, so if we have to abandon our groceries, it's fine with me. Create a situation in which success is achievable, and focus on the goal (the learning, not the ingredients!).

Improvements

2010-09-28T16:01:00.001-07:00

I have to admit, since I let go about clean clothes, bathing, picking up clothes off the floor, and bed-making, I am less of a crazy bitch. Toby has been great about our Monday evening bath agreement, no resistance at all and totally independent except for our tricky broken shower door. Lots of dirty clothes but I think he has worn 3 different shirts to school each week, so not horrible (underwear, um...). I have been scooping up his dirty clothes during the two times a week that he reliably takes them off - bath night Monday and swim lesson Thursday - so he is getting into the routine of not putting dirty clothes back on (he resisted this at first!). Soon I will gradually hand that over to him. Dessert has been a hot issue and very confusing, also playdates - so I need to back off of both of those too. Thinking a lot about appreciations for spouse...

Before and After

2010-09-23T15:46:00.000-07:00

I finally let go and allowed Hazel to make her own choice. Did you ever see such a glowing smile? DONE - with fighting and struggles over conditioner, brushing, combing, braiding, putting it up or back. She is so happy - with her hair, and that I listened to what she really wanted.

Money-money-money!

2010-09-18T12:19:00.000-07:00

Right now I am sitting in the car with Hazel while she sleeps, and Toby is inside at a birthday party. Here is the story of the birthday present:

When Toby turned seven and his allowance went up, one new expense that he was told would now be his responsibility, was buying gifts. He has had a big wad of cash in his wallet for ages, and has traded in piles of $1 bills for fives and tens. So the idea that he might not have enough for a gift wasn't really a concern.

His school's book fair happened this week. The way they increase their revenue is by sending the kids in during school time, and having them create a wish list to bring home - for parents to use as a shopping list when we go in for Open House. When Toby showed me his list, I asked if he wanted any help figuring how much money he needed to bring to school, to buy what he wanted. I am thrilled that he wants books, and don't want to discourage it in any way - but library and used books are my preference for sure. I expect him to discover this himself after spending lots of money on new books over the years. Ultimately, he spent about $25 and has been totally absorbed in the books since then. Great experience! Except...

How much did he have left to buy the gift for this party? Complicating the situation is the fact that this friend is the child of a colleague of Dan's. Dan approached me early in the week, basically expressing that allowing Toby to go to the party without an appropriate or possibly any gift, was unacceptable to him. I see it as a personal prestige issue, he sees it as limits of acceptable social behavior, and as unfair to the birthday child and his family. I told Dan to handle it with Toby however he wanted.

Dan reminded him of the party and asked what he wanted to do about a gift. Toby chose a store to go to, and this morning we went. I really wanted to be the one to take him, because I was worried how Dan would handle it if Toby didn't have enough money, or chose something Dan felt wasn't good enough.

Toby did not know how much money he had, but he brought a bank full of change in addition to his wallet. He wanted to get some sort of Lego set. We looked at the various packages, which ranged in price from $8 to $50. The $8 toy really looked tiny. However, he chose that and decided he wanted to give it with something else. Most things he looked at were $15, $20, or more. His final choice was to get two smaller things instead of one larger. It would be a small gift but not ridiculously inappropriate. He made the purchase on his own (while I was in the bathroom!). The only input I gave was to point out the age recommendations on the packages - he likes toys meant for younger kids, and was buying for an older kid. To give him some frame of reference, I told him that most of the gifts he got at his party probably cost between $15 and $25. He replied, "Yeah, but none of those kids had to buy them themselves!"

After the party -
During present-opening, we heard Toby yell out, "I was gonna get that for you, but it was, like, fifteen dollars!" Dan was slightly mortified. This led to another conversation about how my using PonT methods as learning experiences for our children negatively impacts other people. The gift inequity ($5-$10?) he sees as unfair to the birthday child and as potential for our child to get a reputation as a bad gift-giver. I think gift-choosing and -buying is something everyone has to learn and like most things, actually has less impact on other people and our kids if done earlier rather than later in life. Having to part with his own money to give toys to his friends will help him better appreciate the gifts that he receives. And maybe we can use these experiences to instill the value of generous intention over tangible objects - "it's the thought that counts." To decrease materialism and consumerism. Too lofty, high and mighty? And not fair to other children whose parents bought more expensive gifts for ours? Really, I think all these kids have way more junk than is even good for them. Many of my friends encourage other parents to help their kids recycle a used toy into a gift for their own child. I guess the questions are (1) is it really so rude to give a cheaper gift to a kid in a family that does not share these values, and (2) do we as parents have to be involved in any of this?

My feeling was that the message that was being sent was: to be a good friend, or to be socially accepted, you have to give a gift that costs as much as the ones you have received. When I asked Dan if this is what he believes, his response was, "I don't want to be cheap." But it isn't him, it's Toby. That sounds like a personal prestige issue to me. Teaching our kids about the taboos around money in our culture is very complicated.

Dessert

2010-09-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

In Family Meeting this week, Toby presented his problem about having two desserts every day. I asked a few questions to try to get more into the meat of the issue, and we reviewed the Responsibilities that earn dessert (with the avoidance of Screamfests included). We each proposed a solution, and Toby chose his own, which was that if he loses a dessert then he can have three the following day. Hm. Well, Dan agreed to try it and I didn't want to be the bad guy. I couldn't think it out quick enough to have a genuine-sounding reason to reject it, so I agreed also. After the meeting Dan asked me how this is going to work, he loses a dessert basically as a punishment but then just gets it later? My attitude is, first of all, this is a learning process, so let's see what happens. Maybe there won't be any screamfests. Maybe he'll forget the next day. Anyway, it's the same cumulative amount of junk food, it's not like he's getting extra. But I suspect that simply giving him control of the situation will diffuse so much of the strife. That since we agreed to his solution, he feels positive, and loses interest in festing. Hazel, pretty cute - her solution was for him to eat his dessert in a different room (the different room concept relates to the previous solution for coping with loud crying).

Crisis of confidence

2010-09-10T09:27:00.000-07:00

Fests have been very quiet, nearly but not quite absent. A huge improvement in my daily quality of life. A lost dessert prompted Toby to write "I need to have two desserts evry day!!!" on the Problem List. Looking forward to that discussion.

I have been feeling very stumped lately - he has been so fresh, provocative, argumentative, and angry. He seems to have migrated from a mostly Attention/some Power child to a full Power/some Revenge. I feel furious - that means we are in a power struggle (obviously), and to work on the dynamic I am supposed to promote his feelings of capability. I am trying to acknowledge lots of things I see him doing ("It's the end of the second week of school, and you have remembered to make and bring your lunch every single day!" etc.), but it also seems like he's doing less and less. A number of tasks he was doing pretty reliably last year have fallen by the wayside. We are having huge struggles over clothing, food, picking up after himself. Well, huge is relative - no yelling or punishments, just our mutual anger about differences in desires. We had an old agreement about clean clothes, he earns the privilege of choosing his own clothing to wear if he wears clean clothes to school. On the days I have picked out clothes for him, since he wore dirty ones the day before, he just got dressed in other clothes. My goal (clean clothes) was accomplished but he defied the agreement. I haven't done anything to enforce agreements, just restated that the way he earns the ability to choose is by demonstrating the responsibility. It seems to me the problem here (the practical problem, not the power conflict) is that he simply has no internal motivator to wear clean clothing. He has no concern about how he is seen by others in regards to his clothing, and he has not experienced any negative social feedback from this behavior. The status of his clothing seems to have taken on a life as a gauge of power dynamics between us. I tried to unravel my value about clean clothing, and unfortunately I think it boils down to personal prestige and nothing much else. Right now it is looking like the only truthful option is to completely let go of it, shut my eyes and mouth, and let him figure out for himself - on his own *gulp* timetable - whether this is of value to him in his own life. The kid could be in really dirty clothes (underpants 5 days old, people!) until he starts wanting to date. Really.

I also feel like food has taken on the same role. I have some real concerns about his nutritional status, but anything I do only amps up the fight. Again, it is looking like my best hope for deflating the power struggle is to stay quiet. He has been mostly respectful of our basic food agreements (you have to eat 3 different food groups to earn dessert, and only 2 sweet treats a day), so we're not fighting about eating candy for breakfast or anything like that. A drop of disputation: he eats way less junk than the average American kid does in the "nutritious" part of their meal. Deep breath - he'll be fine - and if he's not, his doctor can discuss it with him. He's tiny - 7 years old in 5T clothes - and I know a bit self-conscious about it. I did tell him that he needs good nutrition and at least some protein to grow well. Now I should stop talking and nagging, and give it some time. He has a check-up in November, maybe I can have a private conversation with the doctor beforehand.

I have asked him a few times what he thinks should happen if agreements aren't kept. I want to stay away from a punishment model, of removing privileges - but there are several that he is enjoying but not earning. One idea is to start from scratch - tell him he has no privileges until they are earned, and give him the list of responsibilities that we agreed on last year. I don't want to be a big meanie, I want to be positive and supportive and emotionally available! I am not feeling good about all this these days.

Differences

2010-09-03T05:13:00.001-07:00

Yesterday we were very busy and occupied, all day until bedtime - but it is still amazing - NOT ONE fest. They had plenty of opportunity, considering the many moments of interaction over the course of the day. And it truly did not seem like they were just stifling them to hold onto dessert - it seemed like they forgot about reacting like that. Mostly it was normal occurrences that passed by uneventfully, as they should, but a few days ago would have produced screaming and crying - and a couple of minor conflicts that got different treatment, more constructive treatment. As I said to Dan the first night, my hope and expectation was just that this would bump them out of the rut of how they had been responding to each other, and they would sort of forget that this had been their routine for the past few weeks. Anyway, even if the fests resume, I had one blissful day of reprieve, and the first headache-free day in a whole week!

Toby also remembered his school project with no reminder or nudging, even with grandparents visiting. I did ask my dad to hold back from initiating any activity with Toby until after the project had happened, if it was going to. He tends to lunge in with ideas and discussions and things he wants to show and teach, which of course Toby loves, and they are engrossed in each other for hours. What I am seeing, and beginning to learn to trust, is that Toby is a last-minute guy. He leaves things until the last possible moment, using up all his time with want-to stuff while his have-to stuff lurks in the shadows. And he does a great job of switching focus just before time has run out, and taking care of whatever it is. This is my total opposite - I can't relax to enjoy anything else until my have-to stuff is done, and I get more and more anxious as a deadline closes in, unless the have-to is completed. So I used to badger him constantly and get so frustrated with him for not attending - but he has a different style that works for him. Now, with this new information, I need to rethink the things I want him to be doing, and how imposing my style undermines his success. I have a feeling reshaping might make all the difference.

Instant gratification??

2010-09-01T16:05:00.000-07:00

Whoa, in the past couple of hours since my declaration, they have been playing joyfully together and even created a "hot springs" in the bathroom sink with a sign, bubbles and food coloring. Two minor incidents that would normally have produced huge fests went over quickly and quietly, without grumbling or resentment. This just can't be true - not only are they NOT screaming, they are actually enjoying each other.

On one other note - Toby's first school project is due tomorrow and he mentioned it earlier but now seems to have forgotten about it. He hasn't blown anything so far but each time I get all worked up, waiting for him to take action. He can handle it - either he'll remember it, or he'll learn what his teacher does if he doesn't. Not my problem, not my problem...

Woe is me

2010-09-01T13:19:00.000-07:00

Daily screamfest update: Toby asked for some couscous, got himself a spoon, and then Hazel wanted some too. She saw the spoon Toby had chosen and wanted it. He immediately started yelling at her and she started crying. I went downstairs as they escalated. I came back up with a mini ice cream sandwich for each of them, showed them to each of them as I asked them to come with me. They looked very confused but slowed their noise, came and sat on either side of me on the loveseat on the deck. As they ate their sandwiches, I put my arms around them and told them I don't want to live like this, and it seems like they are having a problem with each other that perhaps we can work on during Family Meeting. Toby ate his sandwich super fast and then sort of glared at me as I spoke. Hazel was completely cheered by the ice cream. I asked if they would agree to using Family Meeting for this, and Hazel said yes and Toby sort of nodded. I asked each of them how they would describe their problem that is causing them to cry and yell so loudly and often. He said "it hurts when it's too loud." Hazel said, "it hurts when it's too quiet." Ha ha ha - great. When we came inside, I asked Toby to write his problem on the Problem List and he said no. I asked Hazel to tell me her problem again and she said, "I have a problem when it's too loud or quiet." I wrote that on the list for her.

I thought about Lizzie's comment, how to make it their problem, and what motivates them. I couldn't figure out a directly related sort of consequence, like unplugging the TV if they fight over what to watch. Soon after, another fest erupted because they were both trying to watch a video on the iPhone and Hazel couldn't see. I told them that I just can not live like this any more, and since the only thing I know really motivates them to do things differently is dessert, whenever there is a screamfest, there will be no more dessert for the rest of the day. I expected a big tantrum from Toby over that one, but instead they both seemed to take it in calmly. I suggested that they might be able to come up with other ways to work out their conflicts, with that motivation.

I am unhappy to use dessert and its witholding in this exchange but in the moment it was the best I could do.

Now, typing it out, I see that a directly related motivator is time or contact with me. I am the one who absolutely can't stand being around it. My solution to my problem (that is creating a problem for them to want to resolve) could be that I not only cut off contact for the duration of the screaming, but for some specified period of time. But that feels way too harsh for a toddler who is crying and doesn't really know what's going on with her brother and her mother. Maybe they are not allowed to be together for some period. They do like to play together much more often than not (I think) - it just feels so horrible because the fighting zooms my blood pressure and temper, and it is much harder for me to recover than for them. Now that I said the dessert thing, I will go with that for a little while and see what happens.

I think I will review some Program stuff and maybe try to go back and read some of Flockmother's posts from when her girls were fighting terribly.

Screamfests

2010-08-31T11:17:00.000-07:00

This is a huge issue lately, over the past month or two. Whenever Hazel makes a small crying noise, Toby clamps his hands over his ears and either runs from the room, slamming a door behind him, or starts making a loud, awful, repetitive, beeping noise to drown her out. Sort of while crying loudly himself and yelling at her to stop. It sends me through the ceiling. I tried sooo hard to ignore him for a couple of weeks but it was so unbearably irritating, and not going away at all. Finally I told him I just could not tolerate that sound and if he needed to do it, he needed to go outside - and whenever he has done it since then I have opened the door for him or told him to go. Then he cries even louder because he feels punished for something that Hazel started. I try to be very matter-of-fact about it, not punitive. When he yells at her, of course she cries and yells louder too. It is the worst. And this happens several times a day, on average, once five times before 10 a.m.! They do this over a pen, whether one unwrapped the other's candy (even if they didn't eat or even touch the candy), just absolutely anything. She told him he isn't old enough to chew gum, and he lost it. Now that was obviously a joke, since he chews gum all the time! I feel enraged at Toby about it because he is old enough to deal more reasonably with all of this. I never say that and try as hard as I can to prevent my body language from projecting it. Whenever the dual screamfests begin, I calmly walk out of the room, lock the door behind me wherever I go, and wait. As soon as it is quiet, I come out, rejoin them, and move forward to some activity. At most, the only acknowledgement the fest gets is "everybody ready?" when I open the door, and that is rare. Yesterday they had one as soon as he got off the bus, at the bottom of the driveway, and I started walking back up to the house with the garbage cans. I had to keep looking over my shoulder as I got father away from Hazel near the road - but as soon as I felt safe about her distance from the road and her progress in my direction, I just came all the way up. Toby left his backpack down there (it's a long driveway and because it's downhill, you can't see the bottom from the house). A little later I invited them to come jump on the trampoline with me - connecting time with both together, positive interaction for them together, plus physical outlet, right? Another huge screamfest, I can't remember what started it, but Toby was yelling at her that she couldn't come on the trampoline until she was quiet, and she kept crying because he was yelling at her, and then full-force because I came back into the house. Toby was screaming at me from outside, "Come back! We're ready! Come back!" in such a furious tone of voice - I felt awful. The moment it was quiet, I rushed outside and jumped up and started playing a game with them, and we did get to enjoy each other for about 15 minutes.

What the fuck is going on???

I just remembered that I can refer back to how we "solved" the problem of Toby's ears hurting when Hazel cries, at Family Meeting. And encourage him to leave the room (no slamming doors!). I might want to bring this to Family Meeting as a problem for me, since they really did create a solution to the bedtime situation that I didn't expect. Hazel is clearly fully engaged in the battle, but there are times when she genuinely gets hurt and he responds like that and I want to strangle him. So I don't feel so angry at her during the fests, but I don't think she is being coddled too much as the innocent little one. They have been doing Appreciations for each other fairly enthusiastically, and they are always about an activity that they enjoyed together. I am very conscious of giving both of them my full attention when they are telling me something, giving both of them lots of affection, etc. I wonder if Toby is resentful of Hazel because I do things for her that I won't do for him, as he is capable as an older person.

Although I can't see how my actions are involved in the initiation of the fests, I think they must be since things quieted down during DNSN. Not really any headway on that. Also, I remember that mischief in the house greatly decreased when the kids were really busy with contributions - and they haven't been doing so much lately. Maybe refocusing Toby on his contributions will help diffuse some of this craziness. The start of school will be a big help, I think, as they are apart during the day and have other social outlets. I will update.

Observations

2010-08-30T10:14:00.000-07:00

First day of school. I insisted that he bathe yesterday, after about a week - grumbling about not wanting to get wet. I offered to teach him how to do a sponge bath, but apparently that's still too wet. He waited until bedtime, but did remember to make his lunch with no reminders. He woke up early today, put on clean clothes, ate nothing, and we had time to read together before going out for the bus. He remembered to ask me to set his timer. Minor mishap: he put tonic water in his sports bottle and it flooded his lunchbox. I asked what he wanted to do, but didn't have the chutzpah to leave him all on his own with that one. He learned why the instructions say no carbonated drinks, for sure. So as far as returning to the school year routine, I stayed out of his way for the most part and he took care of what he needed.

Hazel was still asleep when we had to go out for the bus. When I came in, she was sitting in the coat closet in her pajamas, whimpering, trying to put on her shoes. She had looked all over the house for me and now was planning to come look outside. Very capable girl.

She chaired Family Meeting yesterday - she loves to hold the big wad of money before she gives Toby his allowance. When he picked his Contribution, she yelled out, "and I can help you!" It just amazes me, with all the crying that goes on, that they always insist there are no problems. They are in the habit of choosing something that they've done with each person that week and saying "I liked watching a movie with you" or "I liked swimming with you" as their appreciations, the same for each person. That is fine, but I'd like them to branch out a little. Outside of the meeting, I asked them to think about something they liked about each person, and gave some examples of things I like about each of them. Toby said, "that's too hard."

Dan is concerned about Toby being teased for crying a lot, being labelled a crybaby. He wanted to have a talk with him about it, to try to forewarn him for second grade, and prevent it. I said I didn't think he would alter his behavior because of anything Dan could say to him - he would have to have his own experience and choose from there. Dan did bring it up at Family Meeting - Toby looked suspicious to me. My feeling is that even mentioning it sends a message of disapproval and embarrassment, although Dan said, "this isn't a problem for me, I just wanted to give you the information," or something like that. It reeks of the personal prestige issue to me - both what's wrong with the parent of a kid who does this, as well as projecting his own pain about ever being called names. A definite button for me is provoking shame in our children, so I feel acutely aware of a child's potential emotional response to the comments made by a parent. My own projection, perhaps...

Going through a pile of papers, I found a bunch of old PonT notes I had made, sorting through ideas. Very useful stuff - partly to remind me what I want to do, and also to see how far we've come. While cleaning up after themselves is still a huge challenge, bedtime has become wonderful! The torturous nightmare that plagued me for months - and that came from Family Meeting. From inviting the kids to solve the problem. It still feels hard to believe.

I wrote that the screamfests decreased during DNSN, and they immediately returned when DNSN was over. I mentioned this observation to Toby and asked what he thought that was about. No response. Maybe they are taking their frustration at being nagged and venting it on each other? It seems clear to me that I play a role. That's a puzzle I want to focus on more thoughtfully.

Compromise?

2010-08-26T18:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, on day five of these clothes, Toby finally took them off to go in a sprinkler park. Somehow I didn't anticipate the opportunity and hadn't brought clean ones for him to change into when he was done. I decided that I was not giving back the really filthy ones, and was able to scrounge a clean T-shirt, shorts, and underpants from a friend whose son is just a little bigger. Left to his own devices, who only knows how long that would have gone on. Needless to say, he has not bathed.

With still no progress on the playdate P&R, and pressure from Dan about summer vacation slipping away, I offered Toby an alternate way to earn one playdate - clean up all his birthday gift crap that has been carpeting my house for the past 5 days. He worked promptly and rapidly, and had about 80% of it done in twenty or thirty minutes. We decided he would use the playdate tomorrow when it could be longer, rather then this evening. He would finish the job in the morning. And then...

We were having dinner on our back porch when another friend from school arrived at our next-door neighbor's (Toby's best friend). He asked if he could go over to play if he finished his clean-up job now. I agreed to this, and while he was starting to pick things up, both girls appeared in our backyard! This of course made him frantic to get done and out there, and I was holding him back, showing him what needed to be done - not ideal at all. But he did get a lot of it done and then emphatically enjoyed running back and forth between the houses with his friends - and Hazel too. I felt like I lost control of everything when those girls showed up - I could have sent them back, but boy, would that make me the villain. Instead I tried to go with the flow and I think it was okay - I didn't cave on our agreement, and Toby was able to follow through with it (basically). So we got some positive results.

2010-08-25T17:56:00.000-07:00

Hazel: "I'm thirsty. I'm thirsty. I'm thirsty. Mama, I'm thirsty."
Me: "Oh, you're thirsty?"
Toby: "So do something about it! You know how to get a drink of water. It's Do Nothing, Say Nothing week, remember?"

He's on Day 4 of the same clothes, gettin' kinda crusty.

Vent/balance

2010-08-24T17:45:00.000-07:00

Toby has been opening birthday present packages and spreading out all the little pieces (and packaging) all over the floor, from the front hallway through the kitchen and into the diningroom. He is still wearing the clothes he put on Sunday morning before his party. There is a basket of clean laundry in his room from several days ago that hasn't been touched. There are several pairs of scissors on the family room floor, along with a zillion tiny shards of rigid plastic packaging and bits of cardboard from one of the toys, that are migrating out into the rest of the house. A car snack choice of hummus and crackers on a plate ended up decorating the carseat. Some crazily button-pushing meanness to sister, two incidences of unintentional but unrepentant hurting.

On the other hand, two full days into it and there are only two dishes on the table - everything else got put into the dishwasher. Two empty cracker boxes on the table, but no perishables left out. Candy, gum, and tonic water have only exceeded their usual limits by a small amount. He did brush his teeth twice today. Several successful negotiations with sister, both happy with the results.

Hazel's dishes, leftovers, toys, clothes, and diapers are just left anywhere. She is dressing herself, getting in and out of the car on her own, and has not thrown anything today.

They are both in bed now. And only two dueling crying episodes today.

I am finding it much harder to stay quiet about the mess this time.

DNSN, #2

2010-08-23T18:39:00.000-07:00

Here we go on another round of Do Nothing, Say Nothing. I felt like I was always reminding, reminding, nagging, reminding... so to get me to stop, we have a few days to devote to this before getting back into the school year routine. Today I refrained from about 70% of the interfering that I have been doing lately. An interesting observation: there have been sooo many dual screamfests lately - they set each other off - I think five times yesterday before 10 a.m. - and today only two, all day. It never seems as if I am playing any part in their initiation, but I think DNSN helped calm the undercurrent of volatility. I was disappointed to see how many of our daily routines do get dropped if I don't participate in some way (as soon as, check the P&R, etc). However, Toby did step up to do a few things on his own initiative, that he has been asking me to do all the time recently. I looked back over my old lists of things they do, won't do, and don't yet know how to do - a few items have progressed, although I would have hoped for more. It is challenging to gauge what to do and not do for Hazel - what are simply my assumptions about her limitations? She is still only two, for God's sake, but pretty damn capable when she's got good incentive. I walked in on her rinsing out the bowl of her potty chair after pouring her pee into the toilet - copying what she's seen me do for her.

I have been looking for ways to remain supportive and encouraging while refusing to do for, or to engage during useless behavior. Several times today when the children asked me to help them with something, if I just said okay and stood by, they finished the job themselves. Or I said show me what you can do, and what part you need help with, and they did it all themselves. So much more positive than a no, or really even "I have faith that you can do that" (which I also said a lot).

My hopes for the week: re-learn how to bite my tongue about messes, get a more accurate picture of what Toby's highest priority training needs are right now, remind him how much the family needs his participation to keep things running smoothly.

My reward for today: crazy outfit Hazel dressed herself in to go to the library (tank top, shorts, wool hat, one mitten, one bicycle glove, no shoes), and Toby's hysterical running commentary - "It's not cold out, you don't need a hat and mittens, it's summer, why don't you just put on long sleeves - oh, do what you want, I don't care!"

Playdates revisited

2010-08-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

Some time ago, I posted about Toby's P&R for playdates. It just has not been working at all. We reviewed it at Family Meeting last week, and afterward Dan expressed his feeling that it was too demanding, too difficult to achieve. He does not like the idea of Toby missing playdates during the last weeks of summer vacation. At first I thought Toby really only needed to work on the clean-up part of it, the rest was fairly accomplished - but then we had days and days of screaming and poking and pushing. After considering all this information together, I asked the two of them what they thought about a change. Instead of a big P&R for playdates in general, we could start with a small goal that earned one playdate, and then gradually build on that. They both thought this was a good approach to try. We agreed on putting all of his dishes in the dishwasher within 15 minutes of being done with them, and no hurting, for 3 days. These are much, much smaller chunks of the original goals that I hope to progress toward over time. So far today, no hurting but dishes not done. I am holding onto faith that he will get this soon.

Trying new things

2010-08-04T18:48:00.000-07:00

My father and stepmother had their 25th wedding anniversary in June. Their gift from us was a professional photography shoot for them with the grandchildren, which took place at our house this evening. The kids had been given lots of forewarning and requests for cooperation to contribute to Grandma and Grandpa's gift. The tension began as I was trying to get them out of the tub to get ready. Then into their clothes. Not eating. Not climbing on the swing set. Not lying on the ground. They did cooperate quite a bit, but it was very hot and humid, the end of a long, no-nap day. When Toby finally got to the point, after lots of coming and going, of refusing to participate in the photos any more, this is what I did, on the spur of the moment. I told him how much it cost us to pay the photographer for the amount of time she was spending with us. I told him how much money he would need to pay me back for the amount of that time he was wasting, when she could not get the shots she wanted because he was not cooperating. At first he just looked puzzled, but pretty quickly got back to the group and the photographer was able to finish up. It felt very manipulative, but I suppose still much better than yelling. He certainly reacted better to this approach.

Later in the evening, there got to be an episode of dual crying/screaming, I think over some apple slices? Or maybe it was bunny crackers. This and a few other provocative interactions, and I wanted to scream at them and shove them in their room and shut the door. But -- I was able to take a deep breath and comment how tough the photo shoot had been since it was so hot and everyone was so tired and impatient. It wasn't instant, but everything de-escalated and most importantly, I managed to avoid making things worse. To stop for a second, see where things were headed, and choose another path - any other path, really.

Camp

2010-08-02T18:38:00.000-07:00

Today was Toby's first day of camp. He did a week at another camp in mid-July, so a similar routine is fairly recent, and he's been to this camp in previous years. What he needs to do is very much like school: pack his lunch and his backpack (towel and dry clothes for after swimming), get himself up, washed and dressed, get some breakfast, and ready to leave when the timer goes off - then after, clean out backpack and lunch bag. Since it is the beginning of a new routine and he is still only six, I did give a few nudges yesterday (what do you need to do to be ready for camp tomorrow?), and he made his lunch last night. This morning he packed his backpack but almost left for camp without it (do you have everything you need?). Tonight I have not offered any prods - and he is now asleep, his backpack in my car with today's wet stuff. No lunch made, no swimming stuff ready. I am feeling tense but keep trying to remind myself that the worst things that could happen are he misses the bus getting ready, or he goes without any of that stuff and is hungry and can't swim. Not the end of the world. If I can stay quiet tomorrow, I won't screw up the learning. Send duct tape vibes!

it's all relative

2010-07-29T13:22:00.000-07:00

Mother to older daughter: "I want you to apologize to your sister."
Older daughter: "Okay, okay - sorry - wait, what is this for?"
Mother: "I don't know, there was something going on."

There's nothing like spending time with other families to make the contrast more glaring. Even if we have tense moments, hot issues, and snippy interactions, overall the whole tone of family dynamics is so different. Generally non-punitive, positive, suggesting rather than demanding, asking rather than telling. No name-calling or "you always..." or "you never..." The point I want to make is, even if we're only middling with PonT, we're still treating our children more respectfully and more constructively than a lot of parents out there. It makes me see our positive moments more, and focus on our negative moments less. Love my kids.

self-control

2010-07-24T06:43:00.000-07:00

I watched some of a MomTV replay in which Vicki was talking about self-control. Controlling our own actions and reactions, both to get rid of the interfering negative behaviors we impose on our children - and to model for them how to intentionally behave positively toward others. It made a big impression on me - that all those times I say something snotty I am actually teaching my kids that it is okay to do that to people. Thinking about this has helped me stay calmer and a bit more on top of my responses, to avoid so many instances where I would normally say something hurtful or damaging to the relationship. I had a conversation with Toby about how I am practicing self-control to get better at it - to avoid being mean - and my hope is that being very up front with him about it will encourage him to follow. I'm not feeling so very thoughtful about everything in the swirl of summertime activities, but this is a recurring theme.

Vacation

2010-07-10T06:57:00.000-07:00

The rest of our multi-grandparent trip unfolded very nicely. The first day at Hershey Park reminded me that we need to work out certain agreements beforehand - regarding snacks, treats, money, etc. I found myself feeling put upon by too many requests, and heard myself saying no and lecturing about why. So the next day, we set out all the expectations before we left the hotel room: adults will buy meals and drinks, children each get a daily chunk of cash to use for treats, games, souveniers, etc. They can use their own money in addition. On the day we went to the chocolate factory, they could eat whatever they wanted (either free or purchased by themselves) while we were there, then no more sweets for the rest of the day. This all worked out perfectly. After Toby had spent all his daily money plus some of his allowance on a big bag of chocolate, we were at the amusement park and he wanted to play a game. "Oh, too bad you don't have any money left," I say. "Yeah," says he. At Sesame Place, Hazel spent about 20 minutes in the gift shop, picking up rogressively smaller Elmos until she found one about 3 inches tall that she could afford. She carried him around for a while until she found some Silly Bands. She didn't have enough money for both, put Elmo back, bought the Silly Bands, and was completely content. ZERO begging, whining, or crying, from either of them. Amazing.

My dad got into some trouble when he fronted Toby money to play a game, which Toby said he would pay back at the hotel. It was one of those "Everyone's a Winner" games, so Toby got a stuffed plush pig - and of course Hazel wanted a pig too. My father did not want to lend Hazel the money for the game because he knew that she didn't have any in the hotel room to pay him back. I told him he had to - his knowledge about Toby's money in the room was too complex for Hazel to understand why she was getting different treatment. Then they had identical pigs - Toby solved that by taking the tag off his.

Advance planning and involving the kids in forming the agreements will now be a permanent part of my temptation-management arsenal!

Since then, we were home for a few days and now are visiting friends in another part of the country. Contributions have pretty much evaporated, we are following the structure of this household. One struggle right now is holding the kids to certain routines from home - fulfilling the Rs for dessert, screentime, etc. Very basic - brush your teeth and pick up the Legos before you plop in front of the TV for an hour. The hardest part is that things we consider privileges are, here, neither earned nor limited. I am being as flexible as I can bear, but we already had a week of more sweets than usual - I don't want this to be the new daily expectation. This is even a struggle with my husband - his flexibility for vacation takes the form of utter inconsistency - you have to drink water between cups of juice but here's a chocolate bar at 10 a.m. Of course I don't expect other families to change their routines for us, but some people intuitively compromise to help all parties stay closer to their principles - and others don't. I was actually teased this morning for giving our friend's kids Life cereal for breakfast, which they accepted and ate contentedly - instead of Reese's chocolate peanut-butter cereal. The adults are harder to deal with than the kids.

That said, I have found myself physically removing my children from the house several times, to cry or scream outside where it will be less bothersome to other people. Putting them outdoors makes them scream even more, at the humiliation of being overpowered. Under the circumstances, I do think this is the best compromise - the children know that screaming in the house bothers people and that I won't allow it in other people's homes, the expectation is clear. Dan is really struggling with Hazel's resistance to getting her teeth brushed or diaper changed - pretty much every time he is responsible for either of these tasks, he ends up physically overpowering her - with all the emotional consequences that entails. I have tried offering alternative strategies that work for me, as well as empathy and the assurance that I have these interactions with her also. I have to resign myself to the fact that he shapes his own relationship with them and I can't control it. Have to go now, the crowd is on the move - I'm sure there's more to come.

PonT on the road

2010-06-28T04:15:00.000-07:00

I spent the last four days at my mother's with the children, and began my efforts to be consistent with our at-home PonT routines during a summer of lots of travelling. Before we left home, I initiated a P&R discussion with Toby about each place we are visiting this summer - safety in crowded public attractions, continuing Contributions as applicable in each setting, extending the behavior Rs from home to grandparents' houses, etc.

Last week we went to a water/amusement park and everybody had a great time - Toby agreed to certain limitations ahead of time, which made it much easier for me to keep track of both kids myself and let Hazel play also. I also told them I would buy each child one treat at the park, and if they wanted anything else they could buy it themselves. Toby forgot his money and wanted to play a midway game. On his own, he decided to find out how much the game cost before getting his treat, and them chose to use that money just for the game - he won two prizes, got no ice cream, and was thrilled! Me too. All the planning ahead helped us have a great day.

Things got trickier at my mother's. She, like most adults I think, could barely restrain herself from picking up after the children, clearing their dishes, or folding their laundry. There was lots of extra commentary on what everyone was eating or not eating, wearing or not wearing, doing or not doing. One particularly stark moment was when we met an acquaintance of hers who suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder, on a walk. He immediately rattled off a list of concerns about Toby's condition (Your shoe is untied. Your shirt is inside out. Your backpack is unzipped.), none of which were problems for Toby.

The kids, at my mother's invitation, sorted through the games, books, and toys that she has for them. With a small amount of help from me, they were able to agree on a significant pile of stuff that they were both willing to discard. They loaded it up in a wagon, Toby decided on prices, we made signs, and they were off to have a sale. My mom and her friends swooped down on them and made some strong suggestions about price changes and specials for friends. They did make $6, and Toby offered a free item to any kid without money.

Sibling conflict was another situation that received more adult interference than at home. There was plenty of it, but all brief flare-ups. Toby, especially, increases in volume and duration if his fire is fed any attention. Before we went, we discussed how small Grandma's house is and how any screaming in the house affects everyone. There is a free-standing bedroom out behind the main house, and the children agreed that if anyone was screaming, they would go into the back house until they were done. Toby went out there himself a couple of times when he was upset, but there was one instance when Hazel started crying and my mother whisked her out to the back house by herself. That did not feel right to me, so I was challenged to try to explain to my mother how I envisioned the system working.

When I hear a cry or scream:
First, I decide if it sounds like pain or upset. If it sounds like serious pain, I go check it out. Otherwise, I wait a few minutes - most often it dies down. If anyone comes to me, I respond in a neutral/redirecting way, and it dies down. If the noise continues and sounds like for noise's sake, then I encourage the child to the back house to calm down/express themselves without bothering other people.

As I was going through this progression of responses, it was very clear that only a parent or full-time caregiver can identify these subtleties in the sounds. However, things went pretty well, the kids cooperated for the most part, and the adults avoided any major conflict!

iPhone

2010-06-22T15:11:00.000-07:00

Had a self-success today - used my PonT perspective to avert a disaster ripping down the turnpike. Toby was playing games on my phone in the car and I needed to check my email for the address that we were driving to. He surrendered it willingly the first time, but... when I needed the phone again to call the person to come out to meet us, he got very freshy about my interrupting him again. He had started an irate tirade when I said, "Stop talking!" and got out of the car to talk on the phone. He started crying. I knew I had to breathe and start again. When I got back in the car, I asked him how he thought we could work this out so it was okay for both of us. Instead of giving a stern lecture about speaking respectfully, and withholding the phone. I said I couldn't remember the responsibilities of using the phone, did he? We pieced together a few of them, and I said I was pretty sure one of them was returning it when asked. He agreed. I handed the phone back to him. Show me.

Visit to school

2010-06-21T04:33:00.001-07:00

I went to Toby's class last week for an event they were putting on for the parents. I got to see all the other reports and dioramas. There was one other diorama that looked like it had actually been made by a first-grader. The mother of the girl with the biggest, most elaborate one said to me, "I got a little carried away with this one. I love science projects!" So I have to remember that all the fancy projects looked as though they were even designed by a parent, as well as parent-assisted in construction - the children do not have ownership. It is good for my child for me to allow him to have one of the simplest projects in the class. It is good for him to look at the other projects and decide what he wants his future projects to be, on his own, not from my suggestions.

After the class jeopardy game and the class play, the teacher said she had a special treat for us. My child got up in the front of the room and danced his talent show solo for all the parents, while the rest of the class followed the teacher in a conga line around the room. Why does he never mention these things at home? It was thrilling for me, I was very proud of his self-assuredness. I tried really hard to keep my comments encouraging instead of praise. It's a really long song, but there are these adorable bursts of energy every once in a while.

Summer begins

2010-06-19T18:12:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the last day of school, and summer begins. I know our routines are going to be sorely challenged because we have several trips to different settings planned. What works at home is different from what works at grandma's house is different from in a hotel, etc. I did bring up the clean clothes issue with Toby - I asked him, since the goal had been to wear clean clothes to school, how he would like to handle this issue when there is no school. He said he didn't know (stock first answer), so I told him I thought if we let it go during the summer, it might be very hard to get back into the routine in September, and what did he think? He suggested we keep the same goal for weekdays. Love it! The same as during the school year, from his own mouth - way more than I expected.

I think Contributions will work the same way as during the rest of the year, when we are at home. P&Rs should work the same way. I haven't considered summer activities as Ps and what their Rs might be - great conversation to have with Toby this week, may open up some new Rs.

Since I last posted progress did occur. Toby remembered to ask for his timer to be set several days last week. Both children seem to have settled into our new bedtime routine, in their own ways. Usually I lie down with them for 10 minutes, then I leave and Hazel follows me. Dan goes in to Toby for a while. Hazel entertains herself quietly in the room with me either until she falls asleep on the floor, or I go to bed and she comes with me. A few times, she skipped her nap and fell asleep in her bed early. I was feeling like her falling asleep all over the place was crazy and needed fixing, but now I am willing to go with it for a while. The big accomplishment is that I can use my evenings for something now, besides putting children to sleep.

Another big change recently is that I stopped nursing Hazel first thing in the morning. I changed the first nursing of the day from wake-up to after breakfast. My hope was that without the incentive, she would sleep later in the morning. She has still been waking up consistently at 5 and coming to my bed, asking to nurse. I say after breakfast and she cries a little and goes back to sleep. The crying was, from the first day, much less than I expected. It has been getting less and less, and for the past 2 days, she has not asked to nurse when she comes in! She has sometimes forgotten about it by after breakfast, and she has missed a lot of naptime nursing either by falling asleep while we are driving or by skipping nap. The net effect is suddenly, much less nursing overall - which I am very pleased about. Hazel seems mostly untroubled by it, which is great.

Quickies

2010-06-11T10:26:00.000-07:00

Quick updates on the last two posts:

remembering to set the timer for the bus -
Tuesday - Grandma was here, she reminded him
Wednesday - I was out at yoga, don't know what happened
Thursday - he asked me to set it, but couldn't find it, then he forgot about it - at very last minute, I told Hazel she needed to put on clothes if she didn't want to get left in the house when it was time - Toby jumped to get ready, and made it
Friday - he totally forgot - at the very last moment, Dan suddenly said, "how did it get so late?" - Toby jumped and made it

So not really any great effect from the day he missed it, yet. Next plan is allow him to be late for school.

bedtime -
Wednesday - Dan was on the phone when he was supposed to come in to the kids - I was going to stay with them until he got there, I fell asleep with them
Thursday - Hazel fell asleep pretty quickly, I stayed with Toby a few more minutes, then left and he stayed in bed

Maybe some progress there - Toby seems to understand how seriously I don't want to hang out in there all evening. Hazel is still totally unwilling to fall asleep without an adult.

Bedtime secret

2010-06-08T22:55:00.000-07:00

At Family Meeting this week, the Problem List arrived with my problem: "I have a problem when I have to spend and hour or more every night helping children get to sleep." Toby started to protest, "It's not me..." but we quickly moved right on to solutions without discussion.

Dan: I should go down to the neighbor's house at 8 o'clock every night so the kids get used to going to sleep without me.
me: I will give both children sleeping pills every night so they fall asleep quickly.
Toby: I can go out of the room after ten minutes of snuggling and they will stay in bed.
Hazel did not have anything to say.

Dan expressed concern that sleeping pills aren't so safe for children - this was the one Toby wanted to try ;). I chose Toby's solution and we started fist-or-five for consensus to try it for a week. Hazel said no and put up two fists. We explained the system and the solution and she did the same thing. We asked her how she would change that solution to work better, and after a few times she actually said, "Daddy come in." So we asked her if she meant I snuggle with the kids for 10-15 minutes, then leave and Dan goes in - yes! And everyone agreed to try it for a week!

What happened the first three nights was one, both, or neither of them:
- came to bed when my chunk of snuggle time started.
- stayed in bed during the snuggle time.
- left the room when I did.
Toby ultimately went to bed in his room himself sometime before ten each night. Hazel consistently refused - once she stayed up with me until past ten when we went to bed together with Dan in our bed. One night they both sat quietly in the room where I was working until around ten, when Toby went to bed and Hazel stayed - eventually falling asleep on the couch. The next night she fell asleep on my bedroom floor. So if you look at the kids, this is a ridiculous, chaotic mess - but if you look at me, it's great! I hang out in their room from about 8:30-8:45, then leave and do whatever I want, for as long as I want! They lurk around but do not bother me. I do not engage with them or tell them to go to bed, I just go about my business. So the problem I posted really is solved - next I had to look at their crazy non-bedtime routine, and figure out what the real problem is and how to go about changing it.

Today I have discovered the solution to all our problems!!! Tonight was perfect: Hazel went to bed at 8, fell asleep after 10 minutes of snuggling. Toby went to bed at 8:30, we snuggled 10 minutes, I left, he stayed in bed.

Here is the secret: NO NAP FOR HAZEL.

If no one is around to entertain him, Toby will stay in bed or read quietly. To eliminate the nap, I would have to keep her busy all day and not drive her anywhere after 10 a.m. This can be done, but will require a lot of advance planning. You would not believe the amount of stuff I have accomplished in the last four evenings. I know it's just one night but I am jubilant with even a clue where to go from here - this situation has been tormenting me for months.

Missed the bus

2010-06-07T06:04:00.001-07:00

Today was a big test for me and I did it! I stayed quiet and let some natural consequences play out. Toby forgot all about his timer and getting out for the bus on time. He read books and played a little pinball game. He did brush his teeth and get his backpack ready, but is wearing dirty clothes from yesterday. The morning went along, I made breakfast for myself and Hazel, we ate, I cleaned up, started getting her out of her pajamas... He usually goes out for the bus a few minutes before 8 and it comes a few minutes after. At ten of, I resigned myself to the fact that he would not be on that bus, and let out all my tension with a deep breath. I literally bit my tongue to stop from saying anything to nudge him to notice. Finally, he brought me his timer and asked me to set it for him, at 8:05. I said, "Oh, it's five after, it would have gone off already." He said, "Let's go!" and we went out, leaving a mostly-undressed Hazel in the house. I figured the bus had already come and gone, but out we went, to see it driving down the street away from us. There was the option of running after it to the place where it comes out of a cul-de-sac, but he said, "maybe we should just drive."

Now - refusing to drive a 6-year-old to school the first time he misses the bus on his own, is way beyond what I can stomach. It is more than 2 miles away. If I really had some reason I couldn't do it promptly, I would have made him wait, but it was fine to take him this morning. I felt like just the impact of missing the bus is enough for him digest today.

When we got back into the house, he ran over to Hazel and started pulling her pants onto her. He kept telling us to hurry, hurry. I told him we had a little time since the bus has to stop at everyone's house on the way, so I got ready but not frantically (as I did when he missed the bus on the first day of school!). He was buckled in the car, waiting for us as Hazel and I put on our shoes. He told Hazel to get into her car seat "as fast as you can." When we got to school, he kept telling me to hurry, to park, to come - although there were hoards of other parents dropping off kids and he was clearly not late. I think this made a big impression on him. He said a few times on the way, "I will not forget my backpack, I will not forget my backpack." Can't wait to see how he remembers the timer from now on!

A tidbit

2010-06-06T11:52:00.000-07:00

Just another example from the daily grind of PonT in action:

As we were getting into the car, Toby asked to use my phone. Then Hazel also wanted to use the phone. Toby suggested he use it on the way to our destination and she could use it on the way back. She didn't go for that and started whining. Then he said, "You can use it on the way there and I'll use it on the way back." Great! I thanked him and as I was buckling her into her seat, he said, "Actually, I want to use it on the way there." She started howling and then he started howling, so I said, "Let me know when you guys are ready to go," and shut the door. I took in the sunshine for a minute to two until he knocked on the car window. I opened the door and asked if they had come to a solution - he said, "I don't know" as he held his hand out for the phone. I asked if they needed me to make the decision. When Toby said yes, I told them my decision was that the phone stays in my pocket. He started crying loudly as I walked around to the driver's door, then pulled himself together and said, "She can use it on the way there." Again, I said, "Great! Thanks." As we were driving, I commented that they will probably usually like their own solutions better than mine, and Toby agreed. From start to finish, the whole drama was about 4 minutes, with I think no bad-feeling residue. He, if not she, got the message loud and clear that I will not mediate or get sucked into their disputes, and I am happy to take charge if they opt for that but it is to their advantage to work it out themselves.

"Toby took my money."

2010-06-04T16:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Hazel happened to mention, "Toby took my money." I asked her about it and she said he put it in his money bag. This obviously wasn't this week, since she had her pickle outing, but I do remember last week wondering where her money had gone to. I asked her how she might prevent this from happening. She didn't have much to offer, so then I asked if she would like me to help her figure out how to put her money in a safe place. She found a little zipper change purse and declared that her new money bag.

Today she said, with Toby present, "I put my money in my purple money bag so Toby no take it." I asked him if he had taken her money, and he said, "well, it was just lying on the floor." We all talked about how if there is money lying around, anyone might pick it up. I suggested Hazel watch what Toby does as soon as he gets his money, which is to immediately put it in his bag. I asked her what she's going to do with her allowance tomorrow, and she parroted, "Put it in a safe place." Where? "In my purple money bag." So she is starting to learn about this - the best part was Toby's honesty.

At breakfast today, Toby kept asking me to get or do things for him. He wanted me to cut the edge off his waffle (he hates the crusty bit). When I said he could do this himself, he grumbled until I asked if he remembered the conversation we had about him learning how to do things as well as he would like to. I said, "Come on, I'll help you, I'll teach you." I showed him a tiny bit of how I do it and encouraged him to cut the rest, which he did just fine. He was less resistant than I expected. I have been trying to acknowledge capabilities he demonstrates when he's internally motivated - for example, when he's getting himself dessert, he has no difficulty bringing a step stool over and unlocking the cabinet. I mentioned how quick and easy that seemed to be for him, then said I expected him to always be able to do that for himself.

After spending a frustrating hour last night getting the kids to bed, I ranted to Dan that I wanted to implement something new - they have to be in bed, lights out, teeth brushed, by 8:30 to get 15 minutes of snuggle time and then I'm outta there, door shut! But of course that's such a radical departure from how things go now, it would inevitably lead to lots of crying and screaming and door-slamming. Dan suggested I put it on the Problem List - tongue in cheek? But it actually sounded like a decent idea - present the problem to the kids and see what they come up with. I know parents aren't supposed to put problems on the list, but it seemed like a better idea than mine. Tomorrow is our meeting, send good vibes! My solution suggestion is going to be sleeping pills for both children, every night.

Power

2010-06-03T16:21:00.000-07:00

Toby has been pissing me off. He wouldn't try the food I made for dinner last night; he wanted me to make his sandwich instead; when he made it he left the bread crusts on the kitchen floor; he wanted me to bring him a washcloth to wipe up his spill; he left the washcloths on the floor; then after I asked him to put them in the laundry, he threw them near but not in the laundry basket. He's been mean to his sister. Then at bedtime he wants to snuggle and doesn't want me to leave until he's asleep. I have managed, I think, fairly well at containing my temper and asking questions instead of yelling to deal with these situations. The thing to remember here is that he's seeking power, trying to taunt me into a power struggle - and the remedy is to support his movement toward greater capability. Since he was sick a couple of weeks ago, he has been asking me to do all sorts of things for him that he'd been doing reasonably independently before. I need to gently back out again and encourage him to keep trying. Here is my new approach - instead of saying, "I'm confident you can figure this out." He wants me to grate the cheese for his pasta and to spread the peanut butter on his sandwich, because he doesn't do it as well. I asked him if he would like to be able to do these things the way I do, and he said yes. So I responded, "Okay, then that's something for us to work on together." Just his body language seemed more receptive to that, than to just saying I knew he could do it himself.

Big kids

2010-06-01T16:28:00.000-07:00

Toby did his dolphin report about 98% independently the other day - he only asked me for a little help searching around a website for the specific information he was missing. He typed it all up and made a very accurate illustration. He brought the report and the diorama to school today, two weeks ahead of the due date! A "science award" paper came home with him, which he taped to his closet door for display. Proud of himself!

He's also taken the Talent Show dress rehearsal thing to heart. Today was the last one and tomorrow is the show. He was looking all over last night for the same shirt he wore, randomly, for the first dress rehearsal. It was in the bottom of the dirty laundry basket - but he wore it today, refusing to wash it last night. Stinky! But this is his version of responsibility, following the instructions that he has to wear the same thing for both rehearsals and the show. I did encourage him to hand it over for washing this evening.

This weekend was Hazel's first experience of buying something with her own money! We were visiting my mother, where there is a small general grocery a couple of blocks from her house. Right after Family Meeting, she said, "I want to go to the store and buy something with my two monies!" ($2). We walked over there and she looked at lots of things, and decided on a big fat pickle from the old-fashioned pickle barrel. They sell by the pound and miraculously it was exactly two dollars. She was so happy! She did drop it on the ground on the walk home, but a little rinsing and good as new. I had to remind my mother that Hazel was not obligated to share it, even if she didn't want to eat it - it was hers to do with as she liked. Toby forgot his peppermint patty when we were packing up to leave, and my mother did ask me if she should give it to him (no). He hasn't mentioned it. I don't know if she is going to save it for him, or have herself a little treat...

"I have to wear this?"

2010-05-27T12:50:00.000-07:00

Today was the first dress rehearsal for Toby's school talent show. Although I gave him a note last night so he could stay after school today for the rehearsal, he was surprised to discover from a friend at the bus stop this morning that it was today. He realized that since it was a dress rehearsal, he would be expected to wear the clothes he had on as his costume for the actual show. He seemed stunned, but not upset. No need for it to bother me, and if it doesn't bother him, there's no problem.

He has been very focused this week on cleaning up his school things in the afternoons. His seems very motivated to earn playdates as a privilege. The funny thing is that he was oblivious the past few weeks - until Dan took the kids out over the weekend with Toby's friend. Somehow they decided that since it wasn't a playdate at either child's house, it would be okay, just this once. I was annoyed about it, but it looks like it may have reminded Toby how much he likes to spend time with Kelly - and lit a fire under him to meet his responsibilities.

One down!

2010-05-20T11:09:00.001-07:00

Today was the first of Toby's three field trips. I did not mention anything about the trip or lunch-making over the past few days. Last night he asked me for a paper bag to use for his lunch! When I saw him getting out the plastic containers he usually uses, I asked curiously, "Why do you think they wanted you to use a paper bag?" He said, "So we can throw everything away after lunch." Then he looked at what he was doing, put the containers away, and got out ziplock bags.

At bedtime I did say something about how he might try to find out in the morning if the teacher wanted him to put his name on the bag. He said he already did that. I said, "You really planned ahead!"

I think I accidentally discovered a strategy that might eventually help Toby get motivated to notice things he is supposed to do. Yesterday while I was taking a bath, he asked to use my phone for his game. I told him to go over his checklist and screentime P&R, then come back when everything was done. He did, and he set his timer and started playing. When I was out of the tub, I discovered a bunch of things that hadn't been done. I interrupted his game and told him I thought he had a few more things to take care of. As the timer ticked away, we went through a mildly excruciating "what do you think you were supposed to do?' and "let's go over your list, what does that mean?" and "hmm, I think I noticed some socks on the couch and some clothes on the bedroom floor, and oh, that washcloth you threw on the floor in the corner of the bathroom." Boy, did he hop to it! It's really the same as denying screen time until everything is done, but he feels it so much more as the minutes evaporate - the timer ticks audibly, that's critical. So this morning we went through basically the same thing, but it required me biting my tongue when he asked to use the computer, rather then giving him a list of things to do first. I am hoping this makes a lasting impression.

He used the computer to find and print dolphin photos for his diorama. It is done, basically a box with three dolphin pictures glued in. The instructions said you could make coral, seaweed, bubbles, etc - but he says dolphins swim in the middle of the ocean where there isn't any of that stuff. Smarty pants. So, about as basic as you can get, but done and totally on his own initiative.

Multiple small successes

2010-05-18T17:08:00.000-07:00

There have been some cool things going on here, especially in the sibling dynamic. The kids are getting more automatic about clearing their dishes after meals before asking for dessert - and Toby often urges Hazel by offering to help her. Sometimes she asks him for help and he agrees. Now I am working on getting Toby to scrape his dishes and put them in the dishwasher - to go with Dad's static contribution of kitchen clean-up.

An exchange overheard in the bathtub last week:
H: I love you, and I want those. (some small sponge toys of Toby's)
T: If you love me, you will listen to me.
Somehow they worked it out.

They have also both come to me recently complaining that the other hurt them in some way (eye poke, threw something at, etc). I have responded with things like, "what are you going to do about that?" They usually just walk away, I never even get to the point of offering the problem list.

Tonight I tried Vicki's suggestion of asking Toby about his understanding of the tasks to be done (that haven't been getting done). He was pretty vague but things did get at least sort of done without it feeling like a yucky interaction. I am trying to remember to put the relationship first and not get so bogged down in the daily struggles.

I invited Toby to learn how to clean toilets, and he responded enthusiastically! He was so eager to do it that I could barely show him what to do. And when Dan asked Hazel to do laundry with him, she said, "sure!" Then she ran to me and said, "I did my job!"

Sadly, Toby seems to have bailed on the library thing. He returned books on time three times, got to check out toys and chose the ones he liked when he was four. He lost interest in them quickly, and now he is not motivated to get and return books. I thought reading so many new and varied books would itself entice him. I am disappointed but I know he loves to read, so he will probably come back to it eventually.

Staying out of micro-managing Toby's life: I have the awareness of that diorama project brewing in the back of my mind, but I am determined to stay out of it and see what happens. Toby also has three field trips coming up in the next few weeks, for which he needs to pack lunches that can all be thrown away. I have to restrain myself from reminding him - when I realized that the worst thing that could happen is he has to carry his lunch bag around all day, it became much easier to let go of. And then there's the talent show. No music, no practice, no outfit. I asked him how he might remember which days he needs to wear his "costume" for the dress rehearsals (of course he hasn't chosen any clothes yet), and he put an "X" on those days on his calendar. He said he will remember what the X means. Yeah. I have my fantasy of him wow-ing everyone at school with his dazzling performance, but really it's about his having fun, so who cares what he wears or if he's danced to this music more than once ever before? I just cringe a little inside when a bunch of other mothers talk about choreographing and making costumes for their kids who are all doing an act together - both at how flighty Toby's act is going to be, but also at how these mothers are doing exactly the opposite of what I am trying to do - let the kids run things themselves.

Just for the record, at Hazel's gymnastics class last week I counted the teachers saying "Good job" over twenty times in one half hour. Our children can't escape it!

Changing contributions

2010-05-16T16:07:00.000-07:00

Our weekly contributions system has not been working well for Dan. He is often out of the house from 6 in the morning until 7:30 in the evening, Monday through Thursday, and I leave dinner out for him for when he gets home. This means that he typically puts away any leftovers and washes the pots and serving dishes, while I am putting the children to bed. He felt overburdened with additional jobs on those days, so we started thinking about how else we could structure it. I invited Toby into the conversation as well. Ultimately everyone agreed that Dan could have an unchanging contribution of cleaning up dinner (after everyone else has put their own dishes in the dishwasher), taking out the compost, and taking out garbage and recycling on Sundays. And on the three days that he is home, he will do additional stuff as needed.

In the course of this discussion, I asked the children which jobs they like to do and don't like to do. Toby likes emptying the dishwasher and taking out the compost. Hazel likes doing laundry. It got me thinking that letting them do the things they like to do, instead of rotating, might work better for our family. The problem then is that they don't learn to do the other things. I am going to spend some time thinking about this - maybe moving towards a monthly rotation, or doing a job you like all the time, and another job on a rotating basis? This changes the whole structure I created a few weeks ago - but onward and upward! Ideas welcome.

Today's money activity: Toby accepted a birthday party invitation, so I asked him if he would like me to take him shopping for a gift. Our arrangement is that I contribute $10 and he adds in any difference for the gift he wants to buy (and when he turns 7 and his allowance goes up, he is on his own). He chose the store, he said he wanted to look in the toy section, and we browsed for a little while. He chose a $12 pool toy that looked pretty fun (I had been little worried because he has a history of choosing things that he would like rather then the recipient, and choosing things meant for a much younger child). He also picked for himself a DVD on sale for $5, and his favorite toothpaste. He counted out his cash and made the purchase on his own. Also, when we went out to lunch, he bought himself a pretzel, and cookies for himself and his sister. I think he's doing great, gathering little bits of experience here and there.

I looked back over my Timeline for Training lists, and we have made a little progress in some areas, and regressed a little in some other areas. That's another chunk of thinking for me to do this week - and make some plans.

Here we go again...

2010-05-15T10:22:00.001-07:00

...another school project, due in June. And with a diorama (which apparently the teacher did not even describe to the kids). Like last time, I asked Toby how he thought he might keep track of when the project is due? "I don't know." I asked if he remembered last time, that he wanted a big piece of paper but we didn't have any - and if he had any ideas of what he wanted for this one, so he could make sure we get the supplies in time. No, no ideas. His plan seems to be to print everything off the Internet, which I suppose is feasible. There was an event at school the other night, and there was a display of boats "made" by the kindergartners - clearly only one or two were actually made by children. There seems to be no inhibition on the part of parents to totally take over their kids' homework projects, to not only do it for them but to make it as elaborate as possible - not even any pretending that their child did it! How can a child ever hope to compare?

Toby has been sick with a fever for the past few days. I have been doing a lot for him since he feels so crummy, and not expecting him to keep up with his family responsibilities very much. When I'm sick, I don't do the laundry or make my bed either. The problem is that getting back to the normal routine is a struggle, just like when we come home from vacation. I tried to talk to him about expectations for the summer, to keep us on track, but he was completely vague. There will be three weeks of summer camp which will mimic the school routine - bedtime, wake up, lunch-making, backpack, catching the bus. I think household responsibilities will not be too hard to maintain (clearing dishes, putting away clothes, etc), but sleep will be all over the place. We will be away from home a lot and that always makes jobs confusing. Also, spending time with lots of other people will make following our family plan more complicated. It will be interesting to see how we make our way through each phase.

Plugging along

2010-05-10T18:01:00.000-07:00

At Family Meeting this week, Dan was still away on his trip, so Toby chose to be the chairperson. He ran the meeting very smoothly and remembered all the parts. The kids chose a contribution for Dan since he wasn't there, and when he got home, Hazel asked him to trade with her.

Toby and I worked out a new P&R for playdates.
Rs: - making sure checklist gets done (not necessarily before playdate occurs but that day)
- cleaning up
- solving conflicts without yelling or hurting
- polite behavior
He is supposed to demonstrate these skills for 5 days before playdates can resume. The cleaning up is definitely going to be the hardest part for him. He seems to have no awareness of even when he makes a mess. Today I asked him to clean up a couple of things and mentioned that today couldn't count as Day 1 since I had needed to ask. He has a new game on my phone which he loves, and that has been motivating him to do some clean-up on his own, but the habit is only in its infancy. He also is going to have to make a big shift to solve conflicts with his sister without screaming.

The plan we made to go to the library every Monday has been working beautifully - today was the third time in a row that Toby returned books on time, and we went to the library that checks out toys. He got out two that he loved when he was little and he says they are just as fun as he remembered. In the meantime, he has checked out and repeatedly read about 25 books. Positive all around.

Tired out

2010-05-08T16:32:00.000-07:00

My week of single parenting is coming to a close - Dan comes home tomorrow. This afternoon was the first sense of getting a chance to sit down and relax, all week. I don't think Toby has used the computer at all since Dan left. Of the contribution choices, Toby had bathroom this week, which is very minimal - and Hazel had kitchen, which for her means helping put dishes in the dishwasher. So I have been doing basically everything and struggling to keep up. It seems like the kids were doing and learning more about contributions before I changed the structure to specific rooms rather than specific chores. This gives the few jobs potential to grow but right now they are on the smaller side, since the kids defined them. I am tired.

Things were rocky this morning, several episodes of dueling crying. I started out ignoring it, but it kept going and escalating to shrieking. I went to them, told Toby to climb on my back, and I picked up Hazel in front, wrapping each of their legs around my waist and each others' legs. As I clomped along, laden with children, they both started laughing and Toby asked where I was taking them. I said, "Away from being upset." That worked for a while. The next time, he was howling and holding his ears - when I reminded him that we had already solved the problem of too much noise, he shrieked that my talking hurt his ears too. I picked him up and put him outside, saying he could rest his ears until they felt better and then come back in. The next time, I went into my bedroom and locked the door. No one came banging on the door, it just eventually died down and I came out.

The compulsion to intervene in sibling conflict feels universal - like the expectation of other adults is that a parent will stop the conflict or do something in the moment to teach them how to resolve it. I am fairly comfortable staying out of it if there are no witnesses - when other adults are in earshot, it feels like their judgement is that I am neglectful or uncaring. I heard my mother with the kids, raising her voice more and more as she tried to mediate between them (over them), and their crying escalating in response. I was actually surprised today at the number of times there was mutual hysteria without either child coming to involve me.

Guess what? They are both crying right now. Toby just ran into his room and slammed the door. Hazel is crying for me to help her climb down from the big bed, which I have told her I won't do because I don't want her out of the bed - she can get out herself if she wants to. She hasn't asked me to come into bed with her. When is Dan coming home again??

A pearl

2010-05-08T06:56:00.000-07:00

Here's a little quickie: I have discovered the incredible value of developing my ability to ignore behavior I don't like - with people other than my children!

I know I should't have

2010-04-29T15:23:00.000-07:00

Of course I know this story is a perfect example of what we're not supposed to do anymore. And I also know I did it in a quest for Personal Prestige via my child. So we will see what repercussions unfold.

A couple of months ago, Toby and his friend were talking about the school talent showand how he was going to dance for it. At the time, they weren't even sure if it was open to first-graders. About two weeks ago, a paper came home with all the details and dates for signing up, permission slips, rehearsals, etc. Toby said no, he didn't want to be in it. I was disappointed since he is a wild, adorable dancer, but of course it was his choice, fine. I held onto the paperfor a few days, thinking he might change his mind, but eventually threw it away.

This morning at the bus stop, the friend's mother asked me if he was in the show, and I said no, he didn't want to. She responded, "that's funny, Kelly said he signed up with her." No mention of this to his parents! Permission slips were due yesterday, try-outs were today after school. For him to be able to do it, I would have to go to the school, sign a permission, write a note saying to keep him after school for try-outs, and then come back at 3o'clock with some music for him to use.

And I did it.

Yes, what should have happened was for me to do nothing, and been prepared to empathize with his disappointment at not being able to perform this year. I was driven by my own pride and desire to show him off. How much did he learn that I will save him if he drops the ball? We will see the next time this sort of situation comes up. I knew I shouldn't have, but dang, he's cute.

Boy, that grows fast!

2010-04-28T15:14:00.000-07:00

You know those plants that seem like they've grown inches in a day? That is a weed I fertilized in my house. I said something, and literally minutes later there it was, in shining glory. So ridiculously obvious in its testing of my response. I spun around, walked in here, fuming - but as I looked at just how ridiculously obvious a ploy it was, I began to relax and loosen up. Now I am fine. The provocation got no outward response, and I end up sort of entertained by my child's spunk. Whew.

Family Meeting

2010-04-26T08:17:00.000-07:00

Back here Toby stopped borrowing books from the library. I had a lot of feelings about that because he is a huge reader and we have been using the library vigorously for years. He's continued to read books we have at home and he brings a book home from school every day, but the potential to feed his learning both in terms of curiosity and his reading skills felt like a big loss. This weekend we went to a different library which lends toys. We had an old agreement that when he returned his books on time three times in a row, we would make a special trip to this library so he could check out toys. I suggested the idea to him that we set one day after school each week to be our standing library day, we'll go to the library that day every week. It gets him there regularly so he has several opportunities to return his books before they are due - he was enticed because I explained it would take a month or less to earn the trip to the toy library. It's still up to him to check books out and remember to bring them when we go, but this will move us back into that realm. I know there's tons of stuff there he would love to read.

The Problem Solving part of our meeting this week started with voting on the effectiveness of the two solutions for avoiding loud noise - everyone agreed that they seem to be working, so we marked that one solved. Next we addressed the computer use issue. Toby's problem was that he hasn't been allowed to use the computer this week. I said that happened because the responsibilities that we agreed on for computer use weren't being met, namely that the timer wasn't being followed. I asked if he agreed that was the real problem, and he said yes - but sitting backward in his chair with his back to me (exactly like Vicki said!). Then we each gave suggestions for how to solve that:

Dan - when the timer rings, unplug everything in the room
Toby - write a note to remind himself each time
me - start with ten minutes of computer time and each time he is successful at stopping with the timer, add five minutes

He chose his own solution and we all voted that we were willing to go along with it for the week. Then he was thrilled to get back to it! I actually don't think he wrote a note, but he did stop immediately when the timer rang, so that's fine with me.

My Appreciation for Dan this week was that he used PonT methods with Hazel the other night when she was having a tantrum, and so I felt supported by him in my efforts here.

Trying to keep everything moving

2010-04-24T19:39:00.000-07:00

Since I eliminated computer time for the week, Toby has not had much opportunity to practice the list of screentime responsibilities we created. The couple of times he wanted to watch videos, I had to say Yes, as soon as, but he did it quickly with no grumbling. He has asked to use the computer twice, and when I responded that it was off-limits until Family Meeting, he accepted that. Without it, he has resorted to asking, "what can I do?" - a very annoying attention behavior that used to be a constant issue, but now maybe not since last fall. We just have to finish up the problem about his ears popping off, before we can delve into computer time.

This problem will require some discussion at the meeting. I will need to lay out that he couldn't use it because he was not meeting the responsibility of using the timer to limit computer time - and then ask maybe ask what the problem is with that, which we can all suggest solutions for.

I had some time this week of looking at him from an outsider's perspective. In the same pants for 3 days, God knows when last bathed, lunch bag sticky inside with spilled juice, having iced tea or one bite of a tomato for breakfast... Had some doubts, is this really right? Is he really going to come through this beautifully functional as Vicki describes? Will he eventually attune to all these things? Are people going to think we are total freaks?

We are struggling a bit with the checklists. He always says they're done but they aren't. He seems to truly think he did everything but he doesn't look at the list to remind himself or check himself. Even when he does, he'll walk right by clothes on the floor without noticing them. I have been feeling like a cop, nagging and reminding, and feel the need for some DNSN. But - when he asks me for anything, I respond with Yes, as soon as, and then we get into it over whether it's done or not. I want to be firmer about encouraging him to make the determinations of whether things have been done, but I fear he'll just say (and believe) yes when they're not - so how does progress come from that?

I have been using Keep Moving Forward a lot this week, either distraction or just continuing with my business and trying to engage the kids away from their drama. It's always drama around here that's the issue, crying, ultimatums, door slamming. I even tried once to Stop-Apologize-eat ice cream, but Toby was so assertive about giving me the silent treatment that he wouldn't let me offer him the ice cream (he ran away to his tree house). But then everybody kind of moved on within ten minutes anyway. I guess I am learning to just wait a lot of things out.

Problem Solving

2010-04-19T19:01:00.000-07:00

Follow-up on Problem Solving: at the next Family Meeting, we asked Toby how the week of leaving the room when there is loud noise has been working for him. He said he was still having a problem outdoors, where he couldn't put a wall between himself and the noise (Hazel crying). We went around again and each gave solutions, and again Toby came up with a very reasonable suggestion which we then all agreed to try for the coming week. At first he asked if he had to give an idea - I said no, but then he would only have the ones from me and Dad to pick from (both stupid). So all in all, he did participate in the process. Since I am also using "leave the room when there is loud noise," I have a ready-made excuse to walk out on him when he is crying and yelling.

A few days ago I asked Toby to help me create a P&R for screen time (computer and TV). He listed checklist and set timer. I said I feel it is important to finish screen time by 8:30 p.m. - he can stay up later if he likes but with quiet activities. He was willing to add that to the list. Then I introduced the big R that needs development - cleaning up any previous activity. He agreed to that as well. He wrote everything on a white board that is in our kitchen. When I asked him how many days he thought he should demonstrate these Rs to me to earn his screen time, he said, "why not do it each day?" I told him I was willing to try that and see how it went. The next couple of days were fine.

I am trying out another Vicki suggestion - if I have a problem, make it their problem, to get it on the meeting agenda. Last night, the kids were using the computer, and then the timer went off (at just about 8:30). They were in the middle of a little video and of course he wanted to watch it to the end. I said no, when the timer goes off that means it is time to turn off the computer. He started crying and yelled at me that I had to promise that this same episode of the video would be on tomorrow, so he could definitely see the rest of it. I told him I had no control over that and it was time to shut it off, which I then did. More yelling and crying, then I said I did not want things to be like this, and they don't need to have computer time if it is going to lead to screaming fights. Oh, the reaction! I said no more computer time for the children, and if that is a problem for you, go put it on the Problem List and we can discuss it at Family Meeting. Boom! Off he went and wrote "I have a problem when I can never use the computer." Crisis averted. I am actually looking forward to whatever solution he is going to come up with to solve this, because it has been a long-standing recurrent problem. And more discussion of the Rs of this P.

Since that P&R discussion about spitting, I have not seen ANY. LOVE THAT. Now how can I work this around nose-picking??.....

He's right on board

2010-04-13T18:47:00.000-07:00

My mother is visiting again. Hazel had spread some bits of change that she has, out all over the floor. My mother started picking it up for her, and Toby hollered "That"s Hazel's! She's in charge of it!"

No spitting in 3 days, that I have seen.

Spitting? Really?

2010-04-12T14:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'd been reluctant to blog about this because I found it so very distasteful: about a week ago, Toby seemed to have taken up spitting as a new habit. He was initially just doing it in the backyard, and it rapidly escalated to being fairly constant when outdoors. I was trying hard not to nourish it with attention, but I did think it was possible that he just might not know how gross people generally think this is. I said something mild after the first couple of days to the effect of "people usually don't like to see someone spitting.". I asked how he started with it, and he said he has too much saliva. I asked what he did in school to manage that, and I think he said he spits in the sink. It continued, and then I heard him do it in the house. Being carefully calm, I told him that I absolutely did not want any spitting in my house, it is disrespectful to the other people there, and if he needed to, then he could spit into the sink or a tissue. I asked if he understood and agreed, and he said yes. Yesterday he spit on Hazel. I was furious. She was upset. She got over it quickly but I certainly did not.

I gave Toby no reaction. I told Dan privately, and he said he thought a punishment was in order. I said no, we're not doing that any more, and I needed to think it over. A bit later he came to me suggesting we make Not Spitting a responsibility that goes with a privilege, like seeing friends. Yes, perfect, fits with my P&R plan exactly. Except Dan wanted to implement it immediately. I also felt a very urgent need for an immediate fix for this situation - but felt very unsettled about rushing headlong into something when we were upset, that we hadn't calmly planned out in a logical sequence. Dan had the kids himself yesterday afternoon, so he had a general conversation with T about the behaviors he considers the responsibilities of being with friends (which they were going to do). I don't know how he actually laid it out, but he said Toby did great and no spitting at all. Dan and I talked more about it last night, with the plan that I would introduce the formal P&R today. "Treating people respectfully" is one of the Rs of playing with friends.

This is what happened instead: we made plans to take Toby's friend out this afternoon, as part of her birthday gift. I asked Toby what he thought the Rs of this outing were. He said, "good behavior.". I asked what that meant and he responded, "no running, no spitting, no hurting?". That sounded great to me, so I specified no hurting of bodies or feelings, and gave him a thumbs-up. We had a great afternoon, he was perfect, and even used some of his money to buy his friend an extra snack and a souvenir.

Was he just testing out limits? I felt great that we dealt with this in a non-punitive way, thoughtfully instead of instantly with emotion. As anything, I'm sure it's not gone, but I think approaching Toby respectfully about it helped so much. I also felt that Dan and I worked together, we were each able to hear the other's needs in how we wanted to manage it.

All in under 20 minutes

2010-04-11T06:58:00.001-07:00

Rockin' Family Meeting, once everyone finally arrived. After Appreciations where everyone said something for everyone else, Toby presented his Problem ("It feels like my ears are going to fall off when there is a loud noise, more times than you can count") and we each gave solutions:
Toby - he could leave the room
me - we could put duct tape on his ears so he doesn't have to worry about them falling off
Dan - we could all start making as much noise as possible, because when you are doing it yourself, it doesn't bother you

Toby initially chose the duct tape (!) but Dan gave it a fist because he thought taking the tape off would hurt, and the solution can't hurt anyone. So then Toby chose his own solution for the next 7 days, and I said I would also use it because when I hear loud noise I feel like my head is going to explode.

Also, I introduced the Contributions cards and we had a discussion about what each one meant in terms of actual jobs. These were all from the kids, we didn't give any suggestions:
Kitchen - wash dishes, wipe counters every evening
Dishwasher/compost - empty compost every day, empty dishwasher when clean
Dining room - set table, wipe table and vacuum under table after dinner
Laundry - either start a load or finish a load every day
Bathroom - wipe counters and floor
So interesting, some of these are way more than they have ever done. Then we picked out of a bag and Toby stuck them on the new velcro board. Can't wait to see how this goes.

Boys like fighting

2010-04-09T18:10:00.000-07:00

Lately Hazel has been really into talking about who has a penis and who has a vulva. She was either making some jokes, or some mistakes, not totally clear. So this evening it led into a conversation with Toby about how you can tell who is a boy and who is a girl. He said hair length and clothing colors, and then we talked about people we know who contradict these stereotypes. I asked him if there were ways you could tell besides appearance, like behavior or the things a person likes to do. He responded, "boys like fighting." Now this is a kid who has zero interest in superheroes, knights, guns, war, or any of that stuff - a relatively gentle soul. I asked if he liked fighting and he said no. I asked if he knew any other boys who don't like it, and he named two boys that he plays with at recess most days. He also plays with the girls most days. This led us to talking about friendships based on common interests. It felt like a pretty substantive conversation for a 6-year-old, about sex-role stereotyping and about choosing the people one wants to spend time with. I mostly asked questions and paid very close attention to the answers. Connection plus teaching our values - felt great.

Our Family Fun activity for this weekend was chosen by Toby - the Gross-ology Festival at a nearby children's museum. We went for the festival this evening and there was plenty of interesting stuff for the children. Dan played a game on his phone a lot of the time the kids were involved in the exhibits. After we got home, I asked him how he would feel about, when the kids are older and into hand-held video games, them playing during our Family Fun time. He agreed with me that we would not want that, "and...?" He knew what was coming. I expressed that I think we need to model engagement and interest in what the kids are doing - certainly if we want them to be engaged with the family, we have to be as well. He seemed to think it's not important yet, that he could put his phone away when the kids get to that stage - I totally disagree. The point of the exercise is to connect as a family, not just go through the motions of an activity "together."

It's 9:30, we finished our bedtime routine with the kids about 45 minutes ago. They both said they weren't tired, and they have been coloring in the dining room together since then. They were told they could stay up but that parents are doing our own things now. There have been peals of laughter and no strife at all. Toby was "willing to" make sure she capped the markers and stayed at the table with them. Very nice.

Two technical changes:
- I laminated Toby's checklists so he can carry them through the house, and cross things off with dry-erase markers, as he completes the jobs. He seems psyched about it.
- I made picture cards for five Contributions (kitchen, dining room, bathroom, laundry, and dishwasher/compost). I invited the kids to help make a velcro board with each of our names where we will stick the cards we choose each week. They were both excited to do that.
So we will see how each of these systems work out over the next few weeks, if they have any impact on things actually getting done.

Ants!

2010-04-08T16:45:00.000-07:00

First of all, I want to shout: HE DID IT!!! The report - which is due tomorrow, which he hasn't mentioned since Monday when he said he was going to start working on it, which this afternoon he didn't even know what it was supposed to include - is DONE. Fire ants:

If you can enlarge the photo, check out that super nasty hand infection on the far right. Anyway, apparently the teacher reminded the class today and he remembered after school. I tried to stay as uninvolved as possible until he asked me for some specific help with the computer. I had not mentioned anything about it all week, and the tension was really mounting today. I even started a blog post this morning about it being the last day he could do it, but figured I'd wait and see if it happened. I had all sorts of images in my mind of his major melodrama in school tomorrow when the teacher questioned him not having it, steeling myself against judgement from other parents at not making sure he was on top of it - anyway, this was a pretty big success for me. I'd say the amount I meddled was easily 10% of how much I would have been directing his work last year.

After this week's show on Problem Solving, I decided that I must not be sending the children to the Problem List often enough. There hasn't been anything on it for months. I resolved to use that strategy whenever things got hairy, and guess what? It worked! Three times in the past 2 days, when the kids were crying about something, I invited them to put their issue on the Problem List. Toby did actually write something and achieved No Name, No Blame: "My ears feel like they are going to fall off when there is a loud noise" (Hazel's crying). I offered Hazel magazines to cut out a picture of why she was upset, and they spent an hour peacefully clipping together. All three times, the crying and fighting immediately stopped. How many times can I do this before they catch on? There have been some whopping magazine-snip piles, but I guess that's pennies to pay for a more peaceful household.

Goal!

2010-04-06T20:12:00.000-07:00

Toby did it: he wore clean clothes on five consecutive school days. This earns him the privilege of picking what he wants to wear. I am not convinced that we are finished with this, it was much harder for him than I had expected. Therefore five days is probably not enough to ingrain the habit. So we'll see - I am out of it for now. Gently moving on to the next thing...

Charity

2010-04-05T05:43:00.001-07:00

Interesting, yesterday was the first time Toby said he didn't want to come to Family Meeting. On Saturday, he had gotten six gold dollar coins from his grandmother for Passover (each cousin got the number of their age), so on Sunday he said he already had six dollars and didn't need to come to the meeting. I made sure he understood that those were a different six dollars, and he would still get his allowance. We told him that no one had to come to the meeting, we would have it whether he came or not - but what would happen if we didn't have our timekeeper? Things could get all crazy. He responded that someone else could do it, but we told him each person had a job already and each person is important to the smooth running of the meeting. Eventually he decided that he would come, and he participated enthusiastically. I was surprised by his lack of interest solely based on money, since he's been so vigorous in his use of the Appreciations board, and that he felt so flush that he just wasn't interested in getting his allowance. I forgot to say that if he wasn't there, we would choose his Contributions for him. That's a big incentive.

Dan and I decided to do a Walk-Against-Hunger fundraiser, and we invited Toby to participate. He agreed, so I set up a web page for him on the organization's site, where people can make contributions to sponsor him and it keeps track of the money he's raised. Seeing it all set up got him motivated, and he was willing to write a personal email request for sponsorship that I sent out to our friends and family:

We are walking 3 miles to rase monny for hongry pepol. Can you pleese send some monny thank-you from:Toby

He also wrote a thank-you email which I have been sending out as the donations arrive:

Thanks for donating monny to walk-agenst-hunger [name]!
From:Toby

He's gotten over $400 in just a few days. So much positive reinforcement for his effort! People are very happy to support a child who is doing something for others. Three miles is a lot for him, so we're planning some "training" to build up his stamina - just like Dad getting ready for his 40-mile/day, week-long bike trip in May. I invited Toby to contribute some of his own money, and he said he had already raised a lot so he didn't need to do that. Then I invited him to sponsor me, since I don't have any sponsors yet, but no luck so far.

On the theme of charitable acts and contributions, I also tried talking with him about what causes might be important to him to support. His favorite animal is the turtle, so we decided to look into Save-the-Turtles organizations sometime.

One area where I am struggling is in trying to decide how much help is reasonable to give. For example, a paper came home from school, addressed to the parents, about a report that Toby has due this Friday. I asked him to read it to me, and asked how he thought he would go about doing it. "I don't know." Okay, I just let that sit - refrained from offering all sorts of suggestions. Days went by, the paper was getting buried on the counter, I knew he had forgotten all about it. I asked him again if he had thought about how he would like to do his report, or how he was going to remember when it was due. Nope. I suggested he give it some thought and said this was the last time I was going to mention it. Days later, still nothing. As I feel myself getting tense about it, I think, the kid's only six years old, he needs some parental involvement, a bit firmer nudging with open-ended questions or something. Then I think, the kid's only six, how bad can it be for him to show up without his report? Better for him to experience it now than in middle school or high school - maybe living the experience will teach him to pay attention to his assignments. I don't know.

Appreciations

2010-03-30T07:51:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about the idea of Appreciations as reinforcement for positive things I would like to see more of. I went back through our Family Meeting book and tried to find themes in the Appreciations that Dan and I have been giving to the children. Two big ones were Maturity/Growth (doing new things, handling things better, etc.) and Being Loving (through acts or words). Others were Generosity, Courage, Problem Solving, Fun, and Responsibility. For Toby, two areas I would really like to fertilize are Thoughtfulness and Responsibility. So I can use this perspective to inform which Appreciations I give, and even how to frame them. For instance, this morning Hazel asked Toby if she could hug him goodbye when he left for school. He hugged her back. It would be easy to present it as loving, but I will frame it as consideration for her feelings - to encourage more of that!

Affection between my kids has exploded in the past week. They are each saying "I love you" to the other, hugging a lot, and kissing sometimes. I am just beside myself with joy and keep trying to remember it's probably a phase. Is this a result of so many Appreciations for being loving?

Magic!

2010-03-28T13:31:00.000-07:00

Well, I am just blown away. We were visiting grandparents this weekend, and it was Hazel's turn to pick our Family Fun activity for the weekend. We gave her a couple of choices and she chose the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. Toby was also excited for that, to see the flowers. But then it began to rain, so we needed to find an indoor idea. There is a tiny marionette theatre on the corner of my mother's block, and Hazel agreed that going to the puppet show could be our activity. Toby asked what he could do instead, and I explained that it was Haz's turn to choose something for us all to do together. He did not like that one bit. He started to cry and said it's not Family Fun if he hates puppet shows. I don't think he's ever seen one - we did try to go to this place with him years ago, and left because he was scared of the dark. I explained the system again, that each person gets a chance to choose, and everyone else has to do it even if they don't want to - in exchange for the same when it's their turn. I reminded him that he had had his turn a couple of weeks ago, and would again in two more weeks. Crying! Screaming! I could feel my mother's eyes burning into the back of me, watching how I handled it. Then he asked what we would do for him if he went to the show. What?? He said, "Either you do something special for me, or we're not going.". Oh, so fresh!! I said no, that was not the case - I managed to remain very calm and resist the urge to say Oh Really, Buster! I invited him to offer Hazel another indoor activity she might agree to instead. More crying and screaming. Then I said that it looked to me like our system of choosing a family activity was not working, did he agree? Yes. This is a problem, yes? Yes. So maybe what should happen is for him to put it on the Problem List when we get home, and at next Family Meeting we'll see if we can come up with a different way to do it. He agreed to that, and got calmer. I just waited to see what would come next. Then he said, "if, when we go out to get dessert, you get something separate for Hazel, then I'll go to the puppet show.". Deal! We shook on it, everyone was fine, they each got their own goddamn tootsie roll, we went to the puppet show and they both loved it. Hot damn. My mom was pretty impressed.

More analysis

2010-03-26T06:49:00.000-07:00

This morning when Toby was leaving for school, Hazel said, "I kiss you, Toby? I kiss you?" Awwwwwwwww! He ignored her, but then she blew a few at him before he could escape.

Yesterday I walked in on Toby eating a candy bar in the afternoon, which he clearly knows violates family rules about sweets. We had a brief moment of eye contact, then I turned away and went about my business without comment. After dinner, he rushed to clear his dishes to get ready for dessert. He said something about what he wanted, and I neutrally said, "You had dessert already."
"What?"
"When you ate that chocolate bar this afternoon."
"Oh, yeah."
Now I am thinking about my feelings about sweets as a privilege, agreements, honesty, and trust.

First, sweets: the rules we have about sweets are to limit the amount, I don't really care when they are eaten. Ideally, I want him to be able to make his own decisions about what, how much, and when to eat - but I also want those decisions to reflect our family values about nutrition and healthy living. This is one of the most challenging areas for me in which to let go of control, to risk seeing what happens. What are the worst things that could happen (Belief)? Overweight, chronic illness, painful and expensive dental problems - and oh my - my classism glaring out about po' white trash and their pasty, greasy complexions from a steady intake of soda and junk food. And their correlated life problems. Consequence? Rules and their enforcement which send the message that I don't trust his judgement. Disputation? Both my children like lots of healthy foods, which are readily available in our home. Both are in excellent health. I eat plenty of desserts, and I am still fit and healthy. I have seen both my kids leave some treat unfinished because they felt sated - that's a key one. Encouragement: try giving some more freedom, and watch what happens. Go from there.

Second, agreements, honesty, and trust: I want Toby to feel an obligation to comply with family rules, to honor agreements, whatever they are about. I want members of our family to be able to trust each other, to believe that each will honor our agreements without surveillance. For the default assumption to be that we all have internal motivators towards fulfilling the same values. Hmm, now how is that possible, if we're all different people? I guess the Button here is bigger than just about the sneaking - it is that I feel threatened when faced with the possibility that my kids may not live into my values (healthy living, respecting agreements, honesty, etc). I feel like in order to make sure that they are living our family values, I have to make sure that they are - by monitoring and directing.
Belief: if I don't enforce structure in our lives that ensures our values are part of everyday living, the kids will grow up eating crap, littering, being obnoxious, dropping out of school, and unable to sustain relationships.
Consequence: we shape their lives through our words and actions. I think this is necessary at younger ages, but I guess as they get older it should gradually morph into mostly modelling. The negative consequence is maintaining too much control, for too long. And maybe sending the message that if they end up with values that differ from mine, I don't approve?
Disputation: these are my kids. I do believe in them and that they hold our core values. There are many different ways to be good people and have good lives, so different values doesn't necessarily mean opposite or no values.
Encouragement: RELAX. These kids are awesome, bright, loving, expressive, funny, and Toby already displays his internalization of a lot of what I want. Keep sending messages of love and support. Begin to consider different life outcomes for them, from what I have always imagined or dreamed of, that would also be fine.

Just to clarify, I'm not so crazy that I think all those bad things would happen because the kid snuck a candy bar. It just helped push me along to unravel all the bigger feelings and beliefs about instilling values. It really is so interesting, if I just play out the exercise of ABCDE, it can really uncover stuff I never consciously thought about before.

Respecting autonomy, promoting respect

2010-03-24T16:38:00.000-07:00

I saw today another way PonT has altered how I handle situations with my children. Toby decided that he doesn't want to take piano lessons anymore. Previously, I would have felt disappointed and annoyed, and tried to cajole him into continuing to the end of the school year. I might have talked about how much his grandfather wants him to play, so they could enjoy doing it together. It is possible I might have tried to negotiate a deal to bribe him into continuing. I would certainly have told the teacher, apologetically and sheepishly.

But no more! This time around (we did this last year as well) I asked Toby what brought him to his decision. We figured out together that he has followed this pattern before: he gets frustrated when he advances in an activity to the point that it becomes difficult for him, and he opts to stop. I respected his choice and told him we would find out about the withdrawal policy. I asked him if he had thought about how he was going to tell his teacher. Today at the lesson, he told her himself. We gave the required 30-days' notice, and he agreed to continue to attend his lessons until that time is up. Afterwards, I asked about how it felt to talk with the teacher about his decision (a little scared), and I shared a story of a time I felt nervous about telling someone something I thought they might not like. Needless to say, a completely different experience. I am still a little sad, but didn't take it out on him. Now it occurs to me that if he doesn't want to go to the lessons we have to pay for, he can pay us back for them.

Maybe this next topic falls into the Training category - at Parent-Teacher conference yesterday, Toby's teacher expressed some concern that he is critical of other students and insensitive to their feelings about his comments. I initiated some conversation with him about different ways to communicate, and people feeling hurt or embarrassed by criticism. It wasn't clear how much he got what I was talking about. This evening he said something to Hazel like, "You're not doing it right! Do it like this." I said, "Wait! Let's look at that, what you just said." I showed him how he was telling her she was wrong and telling her what to do. I asked him how he could help her or show her, without those components. He tried saying it another way, and I gave him some observations about what he said. Then I offered a couple of ideas about how to communicate how he thought it should be done, with leading questions or sharing his experience - actually, the Art of Encouragement! Chipping away at rudeness, encouraging respect and consideration, trying to provoke thoughtfulness about the topic instead of just telling him what to do or not do. I also recommended extra carefulness when correcting an adult (the teacher was a bit offended that he had corrected her, on occasion!).

Looking at differences

2010-03-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

After the show Monday night, I told Dan a couple of concepts that were new to me regarding Contributions. He started looking very concerned, and this led to another conversation about his feeling like this all might be too much for our kids, too much work, too many expectations. These feelings were freshly underscored because Toby left everything to do until late last evening and ended up crying on the floor, tired and frustrated. He had been plugging along, getting things done, until the piece that pushed him over the edge: he had his own clean laundry to put away, but I had already gone to put Hazel to bed in their room, so I didn't want him to turn on the light. Being confronted with either putting his clothes away in the dark, or not getting it done, was just more than he could manage. He cried for a few minutes, put them away in the dark, and came to bed. Done. It seems to me that this is more of an issue for Dan than for Toby. I explained to Dan that this experience set the stage for a conversation about other ways Toby might plan his afternoon and evening to avoid being stuck like that again. I also drew a parallel between the small stakes/supported learning of allowance over the years, and the Contributions/Training process - that they learn about time and energy allocation, and responsibility, when there's nothing major riding on the mistakes they make as they go. As opposed to finding oneself at college with no idea how to do laundry, shop for groceries, cook, or make sure they have time to study for an exam before going to a movie. He seemed to understand but still somewhat suspicious. We need to have clearer discussion about how much household work we each think is reasonable to expect of children at different ages.

A few random updates:

Hazel has been wearing underwear most of the time during the day, and often refusing a pull-up for naps. She has an accident once every two or three days. I have felt confident to take her to her gymnastics class and the grocery store in underwear, offering the bathroom but respecting her choice if she says no. Naps are dry about half the time.

Nighttime sleep is still erratic but so much better. We have had several nights where Hazel slept through to 5 or 6 a.m., and some nights where she woke up but went back to sleep quickly. There are still occasional crying fits but much less reliably. I think the duck lamp made a big difference, but it could be just the phase of the moon.

Bedtime: um, well, uh... we have sort of given up on this for the time being, and one of us stays with her until she is asleep. When we were trying to move her beyond that, there was so much yelling and crying, and it was impacting Toby so much, that everyone was just miserable. For now, for peaceful evenings and energy leftover for other progress, we are sticking with our bedtime status quo.

Your money is where?

2010-03-22T09:37:00.000-07:00

Hazel and I had an exchange in a store today that sounded a lot like some scenarios Vicki has played out, but with a little twist. Hazel saw a set of Elmo song books that looked quite appealing to her, and she picked it up and said, "we get this." Right on cue I asked if she had her money. "Yes." Oh, really? I asked her where, and she said it was in her pocket. She was not wearing any clothing with pockets. I asked her to show me, and she searched around on herself for pockets for a minute. Then she said, "I no have pocket." "So then you do not have your money?" "No." I told her that she could not buy the books if she did not have her money to use, and she could try again next time. Then she asked if I had money (ooh, she's quick), and I told her my money was for what I needed to buy, and hers is for what she wants to buy. "That is why we gave you money in Family Meeting." We went back and forth about this for a minute and then I started to walk away. She found another toy she wanted and told me we were going to buy it. I repeated that she would not be able to pay for it since she hadn't brought her money, and kept walking. She carried it with us through the store until she got tired of that and asked me to carry it. I offered to put it up on a shelf for her, which she accepted, and we peacefully left the store. So a bit of debate but no tears or yelling, and Hazel got her first lessons about keeping track of money and remembering to bring it.

On the lying note...

She has also said her bedtime checklist is done when it clearly is not - we have not brushed her teeth yet, and she is not wearing a diaper, but when asked directly she says that yes, both those things are done. My question about Agreements is do we address it with our children when they don't fulfill them, or do we let them live the P without the R, and grow into feeling responsible to it? Of course a two-year-old needs some guidance here, but a six-year-old knows whether he's done his jobs or not. Do I check up on whether the Agreement has been fulfilled, or do I trust them when they say it has? More specifically, do I just make the observation that something hasn't been done yet, or do I actually say, "You can X as soon as Y..." I think the answer is: 1) you trust them when they say they did it, 2) let them do the P as though the R has been met, 3) make the observation that it wasn't, and 4) point out that they now need to earn back the P by fulfilling the R for some number of days, again.

Toby is back to zero for clean clothes. This is turning out to be harder for him than I thought.

Money news

2010-03-21T16:38:00.000-07:00

It's been a big money weekend here. First off, Hazel said yesterday, "I want money." Alrighty then, it's been brewing anyway! She said she wanted coins, not bills, so at the end of Family Meeting today she recieved two quarters (since she's two). She was grabbing at the quarters during the meeting and she got to hear that allowance is at the end, she will get her allowance then. Everybody applauded her first time receiving allowance, what a big girl! Afterwards, I asked her where she would like to keep her money, and she said in her hand. Later I found it on the floor, so I put it away to give back to her at next week's meeting. This evening she asked, "where's my money?" I asked her where her money was, and she said she didn't know. A perfect start!

There have been a couple of things recently that Toby said he wanted, and I told him I could take him shopping to buy those things for himself any time. We went this afternoon - he chose Target. He wanted bubble solution and Kids' Crest toothpaste (we have tons of toothpaste in the house so I'm not buying any anytime soon). We walked around the store and I showed him the big signs for each section, and the small signs for each aisle. I asked him what sections he thought those things might be in, and encouraged him to ask a store clerk for help finding them, which he did, reluctantly. When he found the bubbles, there were a lot of choices and different prices. Toby chose what he wanted and sat on the floor, counting out dollar bills into his shopping basket. We talked about tax and how to figure out how much money he would need. Then he got the toothpaste and counted out more money into the basket. Although he was looking at everything, the only other thing he decided to buy was a $1 bag of cotton candy. He picked a checkout lane and handed over his little wad of cash. Then he came home, left his money bag in the car, and spent 45 minutes playing with bubbles. This was a totally successful shopping adventure.

Another note on Family Meeting: Hazel gave separate Appreciations for each person, things we had each actually done with her this week! Toby was all prepared with the Appreciations Board. And Hazel chose three contributions for this week - taking out the compost, vacuuming after meals, and putting away books. No Problems. Quick, sweet, celebratory.

As for Toby's P&R of wearing clean clothes, the second day he wore the same pants (and underwear), so I chose on Wednesday. Thursday and Friday he carefully picked clean clothing, so now he's up to Day 3 out of 5 tomorrow.

Reset

2010-03-19T16:18:00.000-07:00

The other afternoon, Toby and Hazel got into a big screaming-crying something, over I don't remember what. Toby's friend was over at the time. At first I just removed myself from the area, but then I wondered if there was some way I could break the momentum of the situation (which was of course only escalating). Hazel has one of those plastic popcorn-popper push toys that make a lot of noise, which I happened to notice right near me as I was thinking about this. I grabbed it and ran through the house pushing it along, making a huge racket. I ran past the kids without looking at them, as they all shut up and watched me, startled. I ran back to my room - and got to enjoy their laughter and the forgetting of the conflict. It was like when a record is skipping (remember records?) and you just move the needle to another spot - RESET. And no yack-yack-yack from me about their fighting.

Oops

2010-03-17T19:09:00.000-07:00

This morning I arrived home from early yoga at just about 8 o'clock, when Toby is supposed to go outside for the bus. He's usually gone by the time I get back, or I just catch him at the end of the driveway for a quick kiss goodbye. When I came inside, everyone was hanging out in the kids' room. I said hello - Toby didn't clue in to my presence as a sign that it was time for the bus to come. I looked to Dan behind Toby, and he mouthed to me that Toby hadn't asked for the timer, so he hadn't set it. Oops! My fault, I guess I never really communicated to Dan that I had taken the remembering to set the timer off my list of ambitions for Toby for the time being. I took action: "hey, aren't you usually about to get on the bus when I get back from yoga?"
"Yes, what time is it?"
"Eight o'clock."
"Is it time to go out?"
"Yes."
"Now?"
"Yes."
Ensuing mad flurry and panic, but he made it. He hadn't hung his backpack on the doorknob like he usually does, so he ran outside without it, then back again running and nearly in tears. When I asked him later what happened, he said "I forgot to use the timer." So although remembering it himself has not been the expectation, he claimed it, didn't blame Dad for not setting it. Interesting.

Flockmother posted a pearl of wisdom from the weekend workshop with Vicki: the child you least want to hug is the one who needs it most (or something like that). That has stuck with me and reminded me, when furious and frustrated, to take a step back and reconsider how to handle the situation. That has been very helpful - it has helped me maintain an approach guided by love and respect, even when those are not my most prominent feelings *ahem*.

I have made some choices about how to continue through this process in a balanced way that I can follow longer-term than anything like DNSN. For now, I sometimes offer Toby a written list of the things I would like him to do - which he so far cheerfully accepts and fulfills. I use this when there are just too many things and it's making me nuts. If the children clean up any food or kitchen mess but not to my standards, I wait until they are somewhere else and then I do what I want to be done. I do not clean up after them anywhere else in the house, and I do not clean up food if they haven't put forth some effort already. It just feels better to me to build in some flexibility with the guidelines - to be able to be generous when they are really struggling with something, but without undermining their own success. It feels like softening some of the harsh edges just a little.

Money

2010-03-15T18:52:00.000-07:00

It is so frustrating that the feed for the show froze up. I have heard a lot of Vicki on the subject of allowance/money management learning before, so I will describe our experiences with this.

Toby started getting his $6 a week last October, when we started Family Meetings. I think it only took one or two weeks before he chose something to keep it in and immediately put it in there after every meeting. He doesn't spend much and he doesn't often show motivation to go shopping. There have been a few times when he remembered to bring it, when we've gone to a store. The main things he has purchased, 95% of his outflow, are sweet treats. For a while, he was bringing money to school every day to buy an ice cream or a chocolate cupcake after lunch. When we've been at the grocery store, he has bought these huge tubs of candy. This really bothers my husband, but I am fine with his sweets purchases as long as he continues to follow the family rules about when and how much he can eat. Toby has been exceedingly generous with his sweets, to the whole family and to guests as well. We spent some time together doing the math to figure out how many more desserts he could get for his money by bringing the tub candy to school instead of buying cupcakes - got Connection, taught some math, opened up some thinking about value. When Toby has had occasion to buy gifts for people, the way I decided to handle it for now is to give him a certain amount toward the purchase and let him decide whether to buy something that cost more by chipping in himself. He has paid library fines with his allowance and since decided that he's not ready to check books out again yet. Only a few times has he actually bought himself something that he wanted besides sweets. It doesn't seem like he has any consciousness about whether the purchase was worthwhile, if the item broke immediately vs. gave many hours of enjoyment. I see his awareness of prices and relative cost increasing ("wow, that's expensive!"). He basically has several weeks' worth of allowance piled up in his money bag, and no particular plans or desires for it.

Toby was given a doggie bank years ago, that you feed coins into. Dan developed a tradition with him, that when the dog's belly was getting full, they would open him up and put the coins into rolls. We would go together to the bank and deposit them in an account for him. We would take any loose leftover change to the counting machine in the grocery store, and Toby would choose one of the charities listed on the machine to donate that money to. It started when he was very little with Katrina relief, and he told his grandparents, "I gave money to help the people whose houses blew away." Now with allowance, that opportunity for learning about charitable giving has dwindled. He is not so interested in feeding the dog, Hazel seems to be taking that over.

We have not started allowance for Hazel yet, it just seemed like she would rip it up or flush it. But lately, after watching Toby get his at Family Meeting every week, she is definitely interested. I have said to her a few times, "yes, you can get that - as soon as you start getting allowance, you can buy that with your own money." We were planning to start when she turned three, but I don't think it can wait that long. If you had asked me one year ago if anyone in their right mind would give a two-year-old allowance, I would have laughed out loud.

Off-topic: this evening I heard Toby yelling from the other room, "Hazel, get out of that cabinet, RIGHT NOW! Stop! Put that bowl back! I am being nice to you!" ??

P&R Strategy

2010-03-12T09:22:00.000-08:00

I finally got serious about Privileges and Responsibilities. I took the lists that I posted a couple of weeks ago (here, and here), and marked for myself which R's Toby is already fulfilling, and which need to be implemented. For some of them, I chose how long each Privilege would take to be earned. Most importantly, I discovered that Toby is already fulfilling all the R's for deciding when to go to bed, having bedtime snuggling, and using my iPhone. Prepared with all this information, I initiated a conversation with him about the whole topic. His willingness to be involved in this discussion increased when I clearly stated that I was not about to give him more jobs to do (so he does have some idea what it's all about!).

To begin, I asked him what the words Privilege and Responsibility meant to him, did he understand what I meant by those words? No. "Is a privilege like a contribution? A responsibility is something someone tells you to do." I gave a bunch of examples, and asked him what he thought the R's of using the iPhone were. He immediately said "No throwing, sit on the floor," our requirements for Hazel to use it. Interestingly, he also said finishing his checklist. I offered handling it carefully and giving it back when asked, and then said it seemed like he had been doing all those things without any difficulty, that he had earned that privilege. He seemed pleased and proud, and also to relax a bit more, like he began to trust that this wasn't going to be a scolding. I asked him about the other P's that I feel he's already earned, and let him know what he's been doing to show me that he can handle them. It seemed like this conversation gave him a better understanding of the whole concept, as well as a good shot of Capable. He laughed when I gave an example of my using the computer all day to the point of not buying groceries, making dinner, doing the laundry, or taking him to piano lessons - what over-using a privilege without meeting my responsibilities would look like. And he completely understood when I asked if he knows how I get grumpy and grouchy sometimes when I haven't gotten enough sleep - not meeting my responsibility to set my own bedtime. Using humor and strokes really opened him up to be receptive to the conversation.

Then I brought up what happened with his clothes this week: he wore one shirt for 72 hours. Yes, folks, that's three school days in a row. So I pointed that out to him the other night and let him know that I would choose his clothes for yesterday and today. At this point in the P&R discussion, I asked him how many days in a row he thought he should wear clean clothes to school, to show me he can handle the privilege of picking his own. Together we settled on 5 days, starting next Monday, with the understanding that a dirty clothes day sets us back to Day 1. Demonstrating the R and using the P are the same thing in this scenario, so for any dirty clothes day I will pick his clothing for the next day. He doesn't have any clothes that he really hates, but there are some he does not want to wear and those are my picks. He changed into something else this morning, saying the shirt I picked didn't feel good. I didn't bully him into wearing it, just said, "I don't know how your clothes feel to you, that's why you might want to be able to choose yourself." I am hoping he is motivated to do this, that he doesn't see the loopholes, and that it's an easily achievable success for him to get under his belt. Then I will move on to the areas that are more challenging.

I also looked back to the lists I made during the Timeline for Training week, of skills our kids do independently, with prompting, and the skills they need to learn. If we can gradually move through the inventory of P&Rs, building on the skills in the Rs, then that will make a major left-shift on my lists, moving several things from List 2 to List 1. Some of the P's have overlapping R's (cleaning up, manners) so I am strategizing using them as stepping stones for each other. My feeling is that we just have to go slowly, one thing at a time - so he doesn't get overwhelmed and frustrated, and I don't get stressed and less-than-encouraging. Once all the R's for the pre-existing P's have become routine, the entire approach should be much simpler and more straightforward.

Underpants

2010-03-10T15:36:00.001-08:00

Oh my god, what a rich and hysterical half-hour we just had. So full of whirling sibling dynamics. I had to get it all down before I forget it. My internal comments are in italics.

During dinner, Toby asked me to grate some Parmesan cheese on his pasta. You can do that yourself just fine. I encouraged him to do it himself. While he was moaning about how he can't get enough on, Hazel took the cheese and grater and started doing her own. Way to shame him into it, girlfriend. Have to keep my mouth shut! I suggested that since Hazel was doing it, maybe he would ask her to help him. He did ask her to grate some cheese for him, but when she balked, he said, "well, then, what do you want to do for me instead? If you're not going to do the cheese, will you take out the compost for me?" (his contribution). She doesn't owe you anything, bud. Keep my mouth shut! But I do suggest a trade when he is resisting doing a task, guess that's where he got that idea. She said yes, and he was satisfied and grated his own cheese. That's all you had to do in the first place.

After dinner, Toby told Hazel it was time to take out the compost, and all she needed was to put on underwear, pants, and shoes. Little does he know that's a huge undertaking. Keep my mouth shut. He said, "here, I'll help you." Now this is the cutest, greatest thing EVER:

Unfortunately, by the time they got to pants, things deteriorated until they were both crying. Oh well. He yelled at her, "do you want to take out the compost? It's a yes or no question! Do you?" Don't yell at her, she was doing you a favor! "No." "Well, then, what are you going to do instead? Help me turn out the lights?" "Okay." Wow, they both stopped crying. They worked this whole thing out themselves. Toby took the compost out by himself, without complaint (first time doing this without a parent). Again, all you had to do to avoid a whole big drama.

Toby's being bossy and manipulative, but Hazel didn't seem too bothered by that part, and I am not at all worried about her being able to hold her own. I stayed out of it, they worked it out, were both happy at the end, he did both tasks for himself, and they had the most adorable sibling/helping interaction ever. Did I say I love this??

Effect of Appreciations

2010-03-09T11:22:00.000-08:00

Since we started Family Meetings with Appreciations about 6 months ago, I have noticed all of the following increasing in my childrens' interactions with each other:

1. generosity

2. helpfulness

3. kindness

4. playfulness and enjoyment with each other

Examples:

1. Toby has shared with Hazel treats he received at school, that he bought with his allowance, and toys that are his or that he purchased himself - many times. He has also allowed her to wear his clothes. Hazel has given Toby pieces of her food and let him play with her toys.

2. Toby either helped Hazel clear her dishes, or did it for her, for a week. He helped her wash her hands after peeing, while I was in the shower.

3. When Hazel has cried in the car, Toby finds and gives her a pacifier or her doll. He reads books to her. They blow kisses at each other!

4. They have chased each other around the house laughing hysterically, and played wrestling games. They have created water games in the tub together.

All of this just melts my heart. Previously, about the best I could hope for was indifference - Hazel loved Toby, of course, but he was not very interested in interacting with her. Sometimes he was mean, wouldn't let her use anything of his, pushed her, or screamed at her. All of that still happens sometimes, but so much less often, and it is really totally overshadowed by the positive stuff. Just love it.

Value: Family Fun

2010-03-08T19:17:00.000-08:00

We all agreed a while ago to create a list of all the fun things we could think of to do together as a family, and then that we would take turns each weekend choosing something. Well, the list got made. As we were trying to plan our day yesterday, things got less and less fun with all the bickering about who wanted to do what (complete with changing minds). Toby said, "it's not Family Fun if it's not fun for everybody." My response was that it isn't easy to find things that everyone likes all the time, so if we take turns choosing, everyone gets a chance to pick what they like best - and everyone has a turn at not getting to choose, a chance to learn about doing what's good for the family before what's good for ourselves. So I asked Toby how he thought we might get this plan rolling, how we could actually do it. He did not offer any ideas. Everyone agreed to a set rotation (which Toby says he will remember for us without writing it down anywhere), to begin next week. I'm hoping this will get Toby trying more activities, and help Dan feel less annoyed at spending a chunk of his weekend at a children's museum. I definitely think it will help me feel more justified in picking what I really want to do, instead of what I think would make the most people the happiest - stepping back from jobs of peacekeeper and cheerleader.

My stepmother

2010-03-06T07:51:00.000-08:00

My stepmother confided that she is having nightmares about Toby having more independence than he can handle, being lost in the mall or gettung hit by a car, and things like that. She definitely appreciates the value of pushing the kids to learn how to do all these things but it scares her. She said that when her brother was in college, their mother would bring him things that he had forgotten. The part that is most difficult for her to imagine doing is divorcing oneself from worry about the child experiencing natural consequences - for her college-student granddaughter, things like missing deadlines or sleeping through classes. So a related piece of homework for me: what skills did I lack upon entering adulthood, that I want to impart to my children before they leave home?

The Outfit

2010-03-05T11:24:00.000-08:00

A re-enactment, but the exact outfit:

Privilege: picking your own clothes

2010-03-03T16:32:00.000-08:00

Hazel brought her own dish into the kitchen after dinner the past two nights, without being asked. Toby had been doing it with her or for her for the past week or so.

About the bloody pants: I started out with some general questions about how Toby decides if something is dirty enough to put in the laundry, how he chooses what to wear each day, etc. Mostly "I don't know" responses, so I offered some information about how I make those decisions. Later I asked him if he liked choosing his own clothes each day, and he said he did. I asked how it would be if I picked what he had to wear, and he said, "bad." Then I told him that the way to avoid that is by wearing clean clothes to school each day, but that if he was wearing dirty clothing to school, then I would start picking for him. I asked if he thought that was reasonable and if he agreed to it, which he did. I framed these as the P and R of being mature enough to make one's own decisions. But I have to say, it does feel like a kind of manipulation or forcing - just like creating a barricade to any movement with "as soon as..." can also feel. I have been so pleasantly surprised lately, though, at how well he's been remembering to do certain things, like getting his piano books into the car Wednesday mornings, or setting his timer when he goes to use the computer.

I have noticed several areas that used to be real sticking points for me, that I have been able to surrender control of - and now these things no longer concern me very much.
1 - how often and how thoroughly Toby bathes
2 - whether he brings his mittens to school
3 - what time he goes to bed
4 - how many sweet drinks he has (not including soda)
5 - if his clothes are backwards or inside-out
6 - if he wears the same thing to school the next day (as long as it's not too filthy)
I also listen to other mothers talking about how they struggle over so many things like this, and I feel like they are just torturing themselves.

What will it take for Hazel to lie down and stay in bed? I have no idea. Bedtime is a disaster, I can't even talk about it.

More P&Rs, and my fashion plate

2010-03-03T10:58:00.000-08:00

More thoughts on P&Rs:

6. bedtime snuggle
- be finished with teeth and PJs by 8:30
- lie down quietly in bed in the dark
[I like Flockmother's technique of being available during a specific timeslot, and if the kids aren't ready by then, they have lost their chance for the night - there is much noodling around here.]
7. use iPhone
- sit on the floor (H)
- give it back when asked
- handle it carefully
- no throwing of anything except balls (H)
8. extracurricular activities (gymnastics, piano, etc - classes)
- get ready to go on time
- be prepared with whatever is needed for class
- practice piano at least 5x/week

This morning I allowed Hazel to go out of the house in a bikini top, purple long john pants, red patent leather shoes, and rainbow mittens. I wish I had a picture. She refused any kind of shirt or coat - it is 35 degrees today. After internally debating really going to the store with her in this very exposed get-up, I did it. Got some curious looks but also many understanding smiles.

Eeeeeeewww!

2010-03-03T06:34:00.000-08:00

Aaaargh!!!!! Toby cut his finger in school yesterday and had some blood marks on his pants. He said a lot of it was marker also. He wore those disgusting things back to school today! I returned home from yoga just in time to kiss him goodbye at the bus stop. Dan asked if I would have said anything - I'm pretty sure I would have felt strongly compelled to ask some questions to draw his attention to how dirty his pants were, and maybe what he thought the teacher's reaction might be. Oh, gross. At least I forewarned her that he might be coming to school in dirty clothes and why. Huge "what kind of parent will people think I am?" on this one. Dan actually thinks the school might call me to pick him up for this, but I think there will be no natural consequence for him.

P: choose your own clothes
R: wear clean clothes to school?
I can frame lots of things this way but choosing his own clothes is also a responsibility, getting dressed himself is a job I want him to do. It's possible he might be perfectly happy to have me lay out his clothes. I'll ask him about it after school.

Privileges and Responsibilities

2010-03-02T10:26:00.000-08:00

These are the major privileges that Toby now enjoys and the responsibilities that I would like associated with each:

1. screen time (videos/computer)
- complete checklist (a.m. or p.m.)
- clean up any previous activity
- stick to agreed time limits, keep track and stop on own when time is up
- get out the door on time or to bed at a reasonable time, on his own(see #4)
2. eating in restaurants
- stay in seat on tush
- indoor voice
- table manners: utensils, no playing with food, no intentional messes, please/thank you, swallow before speaking, wait for everyone to finish before asking for dessert, order own food and eat it
3. dessert
- mostly the same as restaurant
- eat three food groups (crackers/cheese/banana, pasta/chickpeas/carrots, etc)
4. playdates (either house)
- clean up activities and snack
- conflict management (without screaming or throwing)
- manners (please/thank you/excuse me, no interrupting)
5. deciding when to go to bed
- wake up with enough time to complete checklist before leaving
- entertain self without disturbing others until going to sleep, no screen time after 8:30 p.m.
- maintain manners and reasonably cooperative, respectful behavior

He fulfills several of these responsibilities already, but #5 is the only one for which I would say he is on top of all the associated responsibilities. Clean-up and restaurant behavior are the really big areas for growth. With bedtime, I just stopped telling him when it was time to go to bed. I definitely direct Hazel, and he seems to take his cue from that. He also seems to naturally respond to his body's signals, if he was up later the previous night he'll go to bed earlier the next. Some of the above have already been instituted as agreements, others not yet introduced. Have to look at what the kids say about responsibilities for each.

Screen time and restaurants are privileges that Hazel currently enjoys with very few responsibilities required of her. I have been using "as soon as..." for screen time with things like getting dressed, brushing teeth, very basic morning checklist items.

The only privilege that is really attached to Toby completing his evening checklist is screen time, which he doesn't use every day. That means that there are days when he might not fulfill all the items, and have no repercussions. Perhaps another privilege that should be earned by completing the checklist consistently is freedom from policing, nagging, reminding - the privilege of being in charge of oneself. If you fulfill it for 7 days, I will trust that you are doing it on your own thereafter. If not, I will continue to monitor and interfere. The problem is that this doesn't project faith that he can and will do it - it requires him to prove it to me first. Opinions?

Negotiating between the two children presents some difficulties. The children sharing a room complicates each of their bedtime routines and times - Hazel doesn't want to go to bed if Toby isn't, he wants to read in the bedroom but it's time for her to have lights out, etc. We can't put on a video until Toby's checklist is done, and Hazel ends up waiting for an hour. I am looking at these situations as potential for sibling teamwork, eventually.

P.S. Hazel was in underpants out of the house for 3 hours this morning, with no accidents! She peed in public toilets twice during that time. Lots of Capable there!

another ABCDE

2010-02-28T16:52:00.000-08:00

Toby seems to have given up on "getting" Hazel to clear her dishes. Tonight he just cleared both of theirs without even asking her. That will be an interesting dynamic to watch over time.

I have also noticed a few situations when he had left some mess, and later he asked me to do something. When I responded with "as soon as you clean up X," he just went ahead and did the thing that he had asked me to do, instead. He is figuring out his least burdensome options.

Today both kids slept through my alarm. I got up and went about my day, and set Toby's timer by the bed. When he woke up naturally at 7:30 (an hour later), he asked me why it was running and I said it was a school day. He asked why I hadn't woken him up, and I said, "why would I? I never do, you get yourself up." I don't know what sort of impact this will have - over the past few weeks, since I let go of getting him up on time, he has woken early enough every day (mostly because of Hazel being noisy). He got out the door on time today too, but hopefully it will occur to him that he might want to do something to make sure he gets up early enough.

The next button to unravel is why I get so furious at everyone in the house when Hazel is screaming. The things I feel are:
a) why aren't you doing something to fix this? (Dan)
b) don't talk to me or ask me for anything, can't you see I am totally stressed out when she is screaming? (Toby)

A: behaviors of other family members when Hazel is upset
B: everyone should be helping me fix this, and if they aren't they don't care about me or they leave everything to me to manage
C: angry at the boys, snapping, snotty, make more trouble
D: Dan backs off because he feels like he can't help, that Hazel can only be comforted by me, and maybe also because he's trying to ignore her unwanted behavior. Toby still needs me regardless of what Hazel is doing.
E: deep breaths, be calm, try to engage her differently to diffuse the upset - ask for help - ask for patience

Follow up

2010-02-25T09:11:00.000-08:00

The more I process it, the more I understand that this Activating Event is the single most pervasive factor shaping my parenting style. It has played a role in my choices about sleep, breastfeeding, priorities, discipline, and activities. In where to live and how often to see grandparents. Understanding that there are so many assumptions on my part, about how my children might be feeling in a certain situation, opens the door to consider:
a) is this really what they feel here, regardless of whether it is what I would feel?
b) is their identity threatened by these feelings in the way that I imagine?
c) in which situations do they really need my support?
d) if I dismantle this belief/emotional response, what will my parenting look like?
e) what resources can I use to help me dismantle it?

Heavy stuff

2010-02-24T10:48:00.000-08:00

YES! Last night was even better, during the night at least. Very minimal noise when she woke up and came to the bedroom, and then she slept until about 5:30. When she did a fair bit of crying and hollering. A jarring way to start the day, but at least with a better night's sleep.

I was just thinking about what I imagine Vicki would suggest bedtime should look like, and how far we are from anything like that, and why - and I uncovered some big buttons. These feelings aren't new (I mentioned them in several previous posts), but recognizing them this way is. When I hear a certain tenor in my kids' crying, it is a particular sound, abandonment, rejection, and isolation are what I feel lurching in my gut - and the idea that I am causing, or simply not responding to those feelings in my kids is unbearable. It is the sound of a child wanting their mommy and no one answering, no one coming. Loneliness and judgement. Whew, huge ones. That is a pretty big ol' bag o' baggage to lay on a little kid, huh? I feel like I must respond, I must make sure they know I care. This leaves me unable to resist getting involved in their crisis - I'm not talking about any old crying, but rather situations that feel really emotionally charged and threatening to their sense of security and trust. Writing it out, it looks like, "of course I should be involved in situations of such enormous substance, it is my job to make them feel supported in their challenges." So it seems the problem may be in how I decide which situations apply. The problem may be in my reading way too much into the sounds they are making.

In reading back over posts from 6 weeks ago, I am reminded about separating myself from my children's experience of natural consequences, examining whose problem something is when I feel myself getting upset, and beginning to figure out where I can back off for Hazel. It feels like these three themes will lead me in the right direction with the bedtime thing. And maybe with the whole imagining-their-pain thing too. Let's try to ABCDE that Button -
A: situations that stir up my fears about my kids feeling abandoned, rejected, isolated - when they are in emotional pain I feel I need to prove my love
B: that they will bear the scars of these feelings, or continue to suffer these feelings, their whole lives
C: I am sucked in to managing our lives to prevent these experiences, gives them a lot of power in the family dynamics
D: I have worked hard to build in my kids a strong sense of security and unconditional love - they are probably much more resilient than I imagine - they live in a strong, stable family that provides love and support every single day
E: do the best I can, keep trying and keep learning, revel in the obvious, easy flow of loving behavior between family members every day, believe in them and their ability to face the world, consider that I might be mistaken about how they feel these experiences

Reading back over the blog from the beginning also helped me notice a list of eight areas with Toby that have undergone significant progress in these few weeks. Mostly things he didn't do, or didn't know how to do, that now just happen without my involvement. And a few where I learned to let go of control and discovered that he's handling them just fine on his own.

Bits

2010-02-23T19:54:00.000-08:00

A few little quickies on these most recent topics of interest:

Really embarrassed to admit this, but both last night and tonight Hazel just totally refused to go to bed. Both nights she ended up falling asleep on the couch while watching the Olympics with Dan, around 10 o'clock. Last night she woke up and came in around 1, asked to nurse - I showed her the duckie lamp was off and she cried a little but did go back to sleep. This happened again around 4:30 but again much easier, faster willingness to go back to sleep. The least disruptive night we've had in about the past week, not counting bedtime.

Later in the day she asked me to turn on the duckie lamp. I asked her what it means when the lamp is on and she said, "Mee mee time!" Then I asked her what it means if she wakes up and the lamp is off: "More sleep." The girl is quick! So between this conversation and our much improved night last night, I am hoping for at least as easy a time tonight.

Tonight Toby helped Hazel clear her dishes by bringing them to the doorway of the kitchen himself, and then coaching her to carry them the rest of the way to the counter.

Zero potty accidents today, still at one pee on the floor in four days. She was naked a lot this evening, and at one point grabbed her crotch and said, "I pee!" as she looked at the floor. But she hadn't. She ran to the bathroom and filled her potty. I think this was her first time consciously holding it in until she got there, awesome progress!

Oh, also - my mother is visiting, for the first time since literally Day 1 of DNSN Week. She wants so much to be a help to me that she is constantly cleaning up after the kids, before they even have a chance to do it themselves. And telling them how great everything they're doing is, and how proud she is of them. Once you're entrenched in this, it all becomes glaring. I just started thinking about what it might look like to apply the 4 C's to her - I am not very generous with her at all and possibly it could really improve our relationship.

Siblings and homework

2010-02-22T15:52:00.000-08:00

Some interesting sibling dynamics this evening. Hazel spilled her milk at dinner, and did nothing to respond to that. I kept quiet until they were asking for dessert, and I said, "As soon as the milk is cleaned up, we can have dessert." Hazel didn't make any movement toward cleaning up, and Toby tried to cajole her along. After a few minutes, he said, "I'll help you. You do half and I'll do half." As he was wiping it up, he then said, "Okay, I'll do it all for you, but you have to clean up my mess next time. Now we can have dessert!" Then I asked them to clear their dishes, and again Hazel had no interest in participating. Toby decided to "help" her, by carrying her dishes with her holding one hand beneath the pile as he brought them into the kitchen. Dessert is a huge motivator around here. He remained cheerful throughout all of this, instead of yelling at her as he sometimes does when she is interfering with something that he wants. Hopefully this approach will provoke teamwork rather than resentment. Toby also shared his school Valentines' candy with her, since he accidentally got two chocolate lollipops. He seems to be over the Family Meeting fiasco.

He came home with a backpack full of Valentines' candy (we had missed the last day before vacation when the kids exchanged cards), two homework sheets, and the description of a research project that is due next Monday. Of course the description was aimed at the parents. I asked him what he could tell me about the project, and he didn't know much. He asked me to read the paper and I said I was sure he would be able to read it himself. All those things, plus a mishmosh of papers from school today, are still in his backpack, unaddressed. I asked him what he thought would happen if someone didn't do their project, or if anyone had ever come without it. He didn't think that had happened. I am going to try very hard to stay out of this and see what happens - keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter if the teacher thinks I am a bad mother because he doesn't do his homework - try to keep faith that he will pull it together - SO HARD for me. But he did get his whole checklist done this morning and almost everythign done this evening, so I am going to do deep breathing and let that spread through my being.

Quick morning update

2010-02-22T10:24:00.000-08:00

Last night Hazel let out a yell around 4, I think, and went back to sleep fairly quickly on her own. Then she woke up and started asking to nurse around 4:30. Five o'clock is my cut-off, so she started crying and yelling when I said it wasn't time yet. I would like to enforce a "when it's daytime out" plan but that's so much later than when she is allowed to nurse now, it would be too drastic a change. So we are going to put a small lamp on a timer to turn on early, and she can use that to know if she can nurse yet - if it's not on, she is supposed to go back to sleep. The only catch (same problem as with Toby's alarm clock) is that she is not always in the same room at that time of night. There was some moving around, leaving her and saying I would come back when she's quiet, which only escalated the crying. She started calling for Dan, and he went to her, and she quieted down. This does not feel like the right way to do this - she yells for me and I don't go, but she yells for him and he does? It is hard to resist when she quiets down but I think it's a quick-fix. Let's see what change a week of this yields.

This morning I struggled to stay quiet about Toby's clothes - he was still wearing the same shirt he put on Friday night when we flew into Newark. He actually got his entire checklist done without any involvement from me, including a clean shirt, boosting my mood and faith. I have decided that setting his timer for when to go out is reasonable - when I have tried waiting for him to ask me to set it, it doesn't work yet. When I hand him the set timer, it is the cue that gets him rolling on his morning routine. In a couple of months, we can move to that next step.

As he was getting ready, Hazel was not interested in putting on her clothes. I asked her if she wanted to come out to the bus with us and let her know that she would need to be dressed to do that. At one point she wanted to go outside naked, so I opened the door for her and of course she balked when she felt the cold air. I did remind her that if she was not dressed then she would need to stay inside by herself, and she still did not put anything on. So when the timer rang and Toby and I were getting our coats on, she ran over saying she wanted to come. I told her she couldn't because she hadn't put her clothes on and I would be back in a few minutes - it took a lot of guts to leave her alone in the house, upset and NAKED, for about 10 minutes. The entire time we were waiting for the bus, I was imagining her pooping on the livingroom rug and smearing it on the walls. Joyfully, nothing came out of her while I was outside and all was well. Pottying has gone perfectly so far today.

Vacation

2010-02-21T16:56:00.000-08:00

We are back from a great vacation someplace warm, with friends. I feel about 2 weeks behind in the program, since I didn't really follow through with my short-term roadmap plans, and missed the show last week. I did watch the replay yesterday, so I have the four C's concepts fresh in my mind. A lot of our PonT lifestyle was back-burnered on vacation - it was just too difficult away from home and with non-family members dependent on our timeliness. Our friends' daughter got a blistering, scabbing sunburn, so I just couldn't surrender sunblock application this time. Toby did do several new things with gusto, that a few months ago he would have been reluctant or frightened to attempt - forest zipline, vertical hike, riding on the front edge of a catamaran - and completely on his own, gave up pull-ups at night! We had a good interaction over that, where I think I sent the message that I notice and appreciate his ownership of that decision-making - and it doesn't matter if he sometimes pees in his underwear, he is still growing through his courage to give it a go.

Through talking about PonT with these friends, I was able to articulate some concepts more clearly to myself. Ignore the problem behavior, but without ignoring the child - refuse to engage in their negative dynamic but continue to invite them to engage with you in a positive way.

We had one startling moment over vacation - we had Family Meeting as usual, and Toby was having a tough time coming up with an Appreciation for Hazel. He asked me what he could appreciate about her and I said, "just love her." Not PonT I know, but whatever. So he says, "I love you, Hazel" (!) - which was shocking enough on its own - but then she SCREAMS "Nooooooooooooo!!!!!! No, no, no, nooooo!!!!!" Poor Toby started crying and she continued screaming while Dan and I looked at each other dumbfounded and stuck for a minute. Then I said, "well, I want to give my Appreciations," and went ahead and they both quieted down quickly. We each tried to ask her about it at later times but didn't get anywhere. I definitely noticed Toby behaving less nicely and less generously to her for a few days after that, no surprise.

Hazel's nighttime crying seems like it has been getting worse. I wanted to give her a few days back home to see if that would help her settle down but it hasn't. We are going to try a PonT-inspired plan but I guess I have to roadmap it -

where we are now: Hazel wakes crying almost every night and escalates to screaming, sometimes goes back to sleep when I snuggle her, sometimes not - sometimes screams if Dan goes to her and sometimes settles right down.
where we want to be: sleeps all night, or if she wakes, gets herself back to sleep on her own - if she did this five times within two weeks from now I would feel like we are making progress.
how we will get there: when she cries at night, anyone who is sleeping in the same room with her goes to the other bedroom, letting her know it is too loud in there to sleep when she is crying. She is welcome to sleep with us if she can be quiet. (she is screaming in my face as I type this, demanding attention and wanting to be picked up - stressful and not easy to continue - will have to return later as I am now going to run away)

Ugh, that was a really awful half-hour. Screaming, screaming about a whole list of things but all ultimately that she wanted more attention and wanted me to do things for her that she can do herself. Toby crying because he can't stand her noise. Got them both settled in bed and calm, cuddled with them for 10 minutes - and when I got up to leave all hell broke loose, again. She was screaming and Toby ran out of the room. I put her back in bed a couple of times, Dan tried to lie down with her but she wouldn't even have that. Toby got in our bed to escape. Finally she said she wanted to be in the big bed too, and I told her she could if she was quiet. She settled down and I put her in bed beside Toby. Then she was able to be in bed without an adult, quietly. Toby went back to his own bed and now she is quietly resting in our bed. This however is not what I want!

To pick up where I left off, I know Vicki would not agree with letting her sleep with us ("if you don't want to do it for the rest of your life, don't do it even once for a baby"). But we have been co-sleepers since Toby was born and gotten so much pleasure and closeness from it. Our co-sleeping desires and tolerances have evolved though, so now we do want some parent-only time in bed together, and do want to be sleeping in the same room most of the time. What was typical for a while and reasonably comfortable for all of us was this: one of the parents stayed in the kids' room with them until Hazel was asleep, then came out and the parents went to bed together in our room. Sometime during the night, Toby might wake up and come to the parents' bed, or not. Dan would usually move to Toby's bed at that point, to avoid being kicked. Hazel would wake around 5 a.m. and come to the parents' bed for morning nursing and doze on and off until 6:30 when everyone would get up. So we often have a lot of nighttime movement, and I certainly get woken up earlier than I would like, but that was pretty tolerable. We wanted to change the bedtime so we would not be captive until H fell asleep, especially since it seemed to be taking her longer and longer. And everything has gone to hell since then. We have trouble at bedtime and in the middle of the night and I am feeling desperate to fix things, but also like we just can't do everything at once. And guess what, she's potty training too.

My friend seems to be making great progress with bedtime with her daughter - maybe she can brainstorm ideas with me. I am feeling utterly uninsightful. But at least the potty training seems to be going great, mostly on Hazel's initiative (Hallelujah!). She is loving wearing underpants at home, has only peed on the floor once since we're back from vacation, and pooped in her potty yesterday and today. I am planning to stay home most of the week with her in her undies, and gradually remind her less and less often to use her potty, to let her develop her own sense of when she needs to go. When it seems like she's got everything at home down pretty well, we can venture out in undies for short trips. Instead of saying "good job" when she tells me she peed in her potty, I've been saying, "you knew when you needed to go" or "of course you did." I was expecting to let it go during vacation, but she didn't want to - she was on the toilet every day.

I'm also thinking about incorporating the four C's into daily interactions, how to do this more often. I try to give them my undivided attention and true listening to what they are talking about - but it seems like they have an endless appetite for this, it never satisfies them. I invariably end up having to say that I will look or listen as soon as I do X, and feeling like I am telling them they aren't as important to me as getting my tasks done. I have been trying to tell them the exact things I need to do, promise to be totally available after that, and follow through. Also trying to get them involved in what I have to do, ask them for help or if they want to learn how. I am acknowledging their capabilities, especially when they do something new. I am trying to comment on how things they do add to or create the family's experiences. And I frame their meeting new challenges as the courage to take risks or confront fears. The trick is doing all of this more regularly and naturally. (The Crucial Cs were developed by Drs. Betty Lou Bettner and Amy Lew. For additional information on this topic, please visit http://www.connexionspress.com/books.html)

I think it will take Toby a while to get back into the routine of being at home and remembering his agreements. I will try to keep my mouth shut and let that happen on its own. Have to get myself back in the mindset more as well!

I don't believe it

2010-02-09T19:04:00.000-08:00

Well for God's sake - she tried to run out of the room, I put her back in bed, and she stayed. I left, and she called out for me a couple of times, Toby told her to leave. I said no, she had to stay. He told her, "well, if you're going to be in here, you have to be quiet." And she was! They both stayed in bed quietly and went to sleep. Amazing. ...beginner's luck...

Roadmaps

2010-02-09T11:00:00.000-08:00

After last night's show on Roadmaps, I re-read my notes from the first time I watched the videos, and the beginning of this blog. My list of Toby's Useless Behaviors is definitely getting shorter. The main big issues these days are messiness (which has gotten worse, since I am not involved in it on a daily basis) and distractedness, losing focus that sidetracks him from completing tasks. With Hazel, crying/whining (which has not yet responded to being ignored), and BEDTIME. I still feel so flummoxed about the bedtime thing, I don't even feel like I can attempt a roadmap for it yet. But anyway, I re-read the list of values that Dan and I created that we want to use as the directions for our final destination. Here it is:

support
acceptance
fun
cooperation
kindness
social and environmental responsibility
personal responsibility
affection
respectful behavior
follow-through
manners
trust
listening

I was thinking that if I can't really visualize the small roadmaps for now, making tangible ones for some of these goals might be another way to create really positive change. Like, for fun, commit to a group family activity once a week - together, make a list of options to choose from - take turns choosing - do it with enthusiasm even if it wouldn't have been your choice (Dan!). We're pretty solid on affection, lots of spontaneity as well as daily rituals.

Cooperation: trade help with tasks, so we end up helping each other instead of all doing our jobs alone? Goal of trading help once each day, by one week from now - when asked for help, offer or ask for a trade. This has worked well other times I've tried it.

Support/listening/acceptance: non-judgemental, value-neutral responses to shared information about social relationships, work, personal feelings. Minimize adjectives! Goal of replacing value-judgement comments with supportive observations and true attention, three times a day by one week from now.

As for the messiness -
Now: Toby - clothes, books on floor, papers left lying around, dirty dishes/food prep left out
Me - frustrated, angry, exasperated; often asking him to clean up, harping on checklist
Goal: Toby - puts clothes in laundry basket three times a week without being asked, by two weeks from now
Me - use "as soon as"? Refer to agreement about checklist before screen time? This needs more focused thought.

Bedtime -
Now: Hazel - won't stay in bed unless an adult lies down with her, and even then sometimes gets up and leaves the room - noisy, active
Me - exasperated; give up, no ideas for change
Goal: Hazel - stays in bed after lights out ONE TIME without a parent this week
Me - leave the room after 10 minutes of bedtime snuggle/nursing, resist engagement when she comes out of her room

So there's something.

Chocolate!

2010-02-08T11:14:00.000-08:00

In Family Meeting yesterday, we brought the Problem List out for the first time. "H wont lisen." Is this still a problem? No. Done. (I had my non-solution all ready to offer, too, dang it.)

We went to a Chocolate Festival this weekend, and Toby brought his money. He spent nearly twenty dollars on two packages of brownies and a soap pens bath set. He just kept counting out those dollar bills. He has no awareness of how much money he has or how much of his money he is spending, as long as there is still some green in his little bag. That's fine for me, for now. Dan was really bothered by the whole episode, though. He was not able to really articulate what his issues were, but he did NOT like seeing Toby buy all those sweets, or spend so much all at once with so little thought. I think he didn't like not being able to comment and offer guidance in wise choices. My perspective is that if we interfere with his experience-gathering with money, he will only get annoyed with us and still not learn whatever we are trying to teach about value. These are lessons he is going to gather very slowly, over years. Dan agrees with this, in principle - but in action, maybe not as convinced. One lovely outcome, though - Toby shared all his dessert with friends who were over last night, and very generously with his sister as well.

This past week we were supposed to note what feelings we experienced when our children acted out, as cues to their Mistaken Goals of Behavior. There just was very little mischief. They each scored some Attentions and some Powers. But mostly my uncomfortable feelings seemed to be mine, originating from my own Mistaken Goals (don't spill things, finish this before you start that, etc) rather than from any provocative behavior on their part. My control issues. Shockingly, Dan's Appreciation for me this week was that I have been more patient with everyone lately! I do think so much of this program is working to change ourselves, and then our kids just naturally follow.

Too much, too quickly?

2010-02-02T18:13:00.001-08:00

We were all talking about things we like, foods, activities, etc., and Toby said, "You know what else I like?" I asked, "Hazel?" sort of joking. And much to my surprise and delight, he said, "Of course I like Hazel!" I didn't know there was any "of course" about it. What a wonderful feeling, that my child feels it is a given that he likes his sister.

Another interesting conversation with Dan about this whole process. He thinks Toby is overwhelmed with so much family work to do, and is not able to do the things he wants to do (like computer time, for example). That he is having trouble focusing and completing tasks because there are so many of them. Dan seems skeptical that this is a positive process for Toby, it feels to me like he thinks I am pushing him out of his childhood prematurely. During DNSN week, I asked Toby how he felt about it, and he was positive. He hasn't complained to me about having too much work to do, or about running out of time for play activities. There have been nights where he gets too tired to do anything, before everything is done. And there have been times when he ran out of time for play. But - all of these situations were caused by his using literally hours for play and entertainment, both before and after dinner, before attending to his responsibilities. I just realized that Toby usually finally gets around to his checklist at about 7:30, just when Dan is getting home from work. So that is all Dan sees, from his perspective the whole evening is spent doing one job after another. I have had a couple of conversations with Toby about managing his time so he isn't working for an hour or two straight every evening, rushing to get to bed. He did say that he planned to do some of his checklist before dinner a couple of days ago, but that hasn't happened. Time management is the underlying skill he needs to develop to make everything else fall into place.

After writing this all out, my crisis of faith has calmed. I agree that Toby has been given a lot of new expectations over the past month or two, and he is having a hard time keeping up with them. I don't think I'm asking him to do any particular thing that is too much for him, but maybe cumulatively it was too much too quickly. I don't want to backtrack on any of these expectations because I do think they are realistic overall. Dan and I agreed that I won't introduce any new responsibilities for Toby until he seems to be getting a good handle on his current list.

Also, permission from Vicki to clean up as I feel necessary makes everything much less pressured! In that case, I can wait months for Toby to internalize putting his dishes in the dishwasher. As long as we're moving forward toward goals, however slowly.

On-off-on-off

2010-02-01T15:06:00.001-08:00

I'm so excited - it happened. The opportunity arrived for me to invite Toby to write something on the Problem List. Hazel was standing in his way and wouldn't move, as he asked her over and over again, eventually yelling at her and then for me to intervene. I asked what he thought might solve the problem, and he said, "I don't know." I suggested he could put it on the problem list for next Family Meeting. Things immediately got quiet in the other room, and later I saw he had written "H wont lisen." We are moving right along...

I have had several frustrating evenings of Toby not getting started on his list until well after dinner, and getting sidetracked or distracted, and having to work until practically too tired to get ready for bed. Tonight he asked me for help making his lunch. I said yes and set myself up in the kitchen to keep him company while he did it. I said, "oh, look, it's 8:30 - I have exactly a half-hour to be available to you until my parenting lesson comes on." In that 30 minutes, he got two items into his lunch bag. Two. Each time he played with his plastic monkey head, or jumped on the couch, I kept feeling my blood pressure creeping up, but reminded myself it's not my problem. I had noticed how worked up I have been getting over this, and decided to stop asking him to clean up one little thing, or to wheedle a prompt in there undercover. I don't really understand it, but if I decide that I am just NOT going to say ANYTHING about things not getting done - the dirty dishes, the coat on the floor, whatever - then they just don't bother me as much. It's like I am able to divorce myself from the whole situation, but only after I choose not to engage. It doesn't seem like a really sustainable strategy, but for now I'll go with it.

As for keeping moving forward with Hazel, I found myself getting very impatient and frustrated with her in this scenario:
she put on her mittens
she took off her mittens
she put on her boots
she put on her mittens
she took off her mittens
she started to put on her coat
stopped to take off her boots

Here is where I was about to totally lose it - instead I told her I was going outside and she could just come out when she was ready. I brought up the recycling buckets from down the driveway and came back to see how she was doing. She had her coat on and was crying a little. She asked for help with her boots and mittens, and we were on our way. So I averted speaking to her angrily and physically stuffing her into her things against her will. Remember to focus on what I want to be doing, rather than how she is obstructing it.