He's right on board

My mother is visiting again. Hazel had spread some bits of change that she has, out all over the floor. My mother started picking it up for her, and Toby hollered "That"s Hazel's! She's in charge of it!"

No spitting in 3 days, that I have seen.

Spitting? Really?

Okay, so I'd been reluctant to blog about this because I found it so very distasteful: about a week ago, Toby seemed to have taken up spitting as a new habit. He was initially just doing it in the backyard, and it rapidly escalated to being fairly constant when outdoors. I was trying hard not to nourish it with attention, but I did think it was possible that he just might not know how gross people generally think this is. I said something mild after the first couple of days to the effect of "people usually don't like to see someone spitting.". I asked how he started with it, and he said he has too much saliva. I asked what he did in school to manage that, and I think he said he spits in the sink. It continued, and then I heard him do it in the house. Being carefully calm, I told him that I absolutely did not want any spitting in my house, it is disrespectful to the other people there, and if he needed to, then he could spit into the sink or a tissue. I asked if he understood and agreed, and he said yes. Yesterday he spit on Hazel. I was furious. She was upset. She got over it quickly but I certainly did not.

I gave Toby no reaction. I told Dan privately, and he said he thought a punishment was in order. I said no, we're not doing that any more, and I needed to think it over. A bit later he came to me suggesting we make Not Spitting a responsibility that goes with a privilege, like seeing friends. Yes, perfect, fits with my P&R plan exactly. Except Dan wanted to implement it immediately. I also felt a very urgent need for an immediate fix for this situation - but felt very unsettled about rushing headlong into something when we were upset, that we hadn't calmly planned out in a logical sequence. Dan had the kids himself yesterday afternoon, so he had a general conversation with T about the behaviors he considers the responsibilities of being with friends (which they were going to do). I don't know how he actually laid it out, but he said Toby did great and no spitting at all. Dan and I talked more about it last night, with the plan that I would introduce the formal P&R today. "Treating people respectfully" is one of the Rs of playing with friends.

This is what happened instead: we made plans to take Toby's friend out this afternoon, as part of her birthday gift. I asked Toby what he thought the Rs of this outing were. He said, "good behavior.". I asked what that meant and he responded, "no running, no spitting, no hurting?". That sounded great to me, so I specified no hurting of bodies or feelings, and gave him a thumbs-up. We had a great afternoon, he was perfect, and even used some of his money to buy his friend an extra snack and a souvenir.

Was he just testing out limits? I felt great that we dealt with this in a non-punitive way, thoughtfully instead of instantly with emotion. As anything, I'm sure it's not gone, but I think approaching Toby respectfully about it helped so much. I also felt that Dan and I worked together, we were each able to hear the other's needs in how we wanted to manage it.

All in under 20 minutes

Rockin' Family Meeting, once everyone finally arrived. After Appreciations where everyone said something for everyone else, Toby presented his Problem ("It feels like my ears are going to fall off when there is a loud noise, more times than you can count") and we each gave solutions:
Toby - he could leave the room
me - we could put duct tape on his ears so he doesn't have to worry about them falling off
Dan - we could all start making as much noise as possible, because when you are doing it yourself, it doesn't bother you

Toby initially chose the duct tape (!) but Dan gave it a fist because he thought taking the tape off would hurt, and the solution can't hurt anyone. So then Toby chose his own solution for the next 7 days, and I said I would also use it because when I hear loud noise I feel like my head is going to explode.

Also, I introduced the Contributions cards and we had a discussion about what each one meant in terms of actual jobs. These were all from the kids, we didn't give any suggestions:
Kitchen - wash dishes, wipe counters every evening
Dishwasher/compost - empty compost every day, empty dishwasher when clean
Dining room - set table, wipe table and vacuum under table after dinner
Laundry - either start a load or finish a load every day
Bathroom - wipe counters and floor
So interesting, some of these are way more than they have ever done. Then we picked out of a bag and Toby stuck them on the new velcro board. Can't wait to see how this goes.

Boys like fighting

Lately Hazel has been really into talking about who has a penis and who has a vulva. She was either making some jokes, or some mistakes, not totally clear. So this evening it led into a conversation with Toby about how you can tell who is a boy and who is a girl. He said hair length and clothing colors, and then we talked about people we know who contradict these stereotypes. I asked him if there were ways you could tell besides appearance, like behavior or the things a person likes to do. He responded, "boys like fighting." Now this is a kid who has zero interest in superheroes, knights, guns, war, or any of that stuff - a relatively gentle soul. I asked if he liked fighting and he said no. I asked if he knew any other boys who don't like it, and he named two boys that he plays with at recess most days. He also plays with the girls most days. This led us to talking about friendships based on common interests. It felt like a pretty substantive conversation for a 6-year-old, about sex-role stereotyping and about choosing the people one wants to spend time with. I mostly asked questions and paid very close attention to the answers. Connection plus teaching our values - felt great.

Our Family Fun activity for this weekend was chosen by Toby - the Gross-ology Festival at a nearby children's museum. We went for the festival this evening and there was plenty of interesting stuff for the children. Dan played a game on his phone a lot of the time the kids were involved in the exhibits. After we got home, I asked him how he would feel about, when the kids are older and into hand-held video games, them playing during our Family Fun time. He agreed with me that we would not want that, "and...?" He knew what was coming. I expressed that I think we need to model engagement and interest in what the kids are doing - certainly if we want them to be engaged with the family, we have to be as well. He seemed to think it's not important yet, that he could put his phone away when the kids get to that stage - I totally disagree. The point of the exercise is to connect as a family, not just go through the motions of an activity "together."

It's 9:30, we finished our bedtime routine with the kids about 45 minutes ago. They both said they weren't tired, and they have been coloring in the dining room together since then. They were told they could stay up but that parents are doing our own things now. There have been peals of laughter and no strife at all. Toby was "willing to" make sure she capped the markers and stayed at the table with them. Very nice.

Two technical changes:
- I laminated Toby's checklists so he can carry them through the house, and cross things off with dry-erase markers, as he completes the jobs. He seems psyched about it.
- I made picture cards for five Contributions (kitchen, dining room, bathroom, laundry, and dishwasher/compost). I invited the kids to help make a velcro board with each of our names where we will stick the cards we choose each week. They were both excited to do that.
So we will see how each of these systems work out over the next few weeks, if they have any impact on things actually getting done.

Ants!

First of all, I want to shout: HE DID IT!!! The report - which is due tomorrow, which he hasn't mentioned since Monday when he said he was going to start working on it, which this afternoon he didn't even know what it was supposed to include - is DONE. Fire ants:



If you can enlarge the photo, check out that super nasty hand infection on the far right. Anyway, apparently the teacher reminded the class today and he remembered after school. I tried to stay as uninvolved as possible until he asked me for some specific help with the computer. I had not mentioned anything about it all week, and the tension was really mounting today. I even started a blog post this morning about it being the last day he could do it, but figured I'd wait and see if it happened. I had all sorts of images in my mind of his major melodrama in school tomorrow when the teacher questioned him not having it, steeling myself against judgement from other parents at not making sure he was on top of it - anyway, this was a pretty big success for me. I'd say the amount I meddled was easily 10% of how much I would have been directing his work last year.

After this week's show on Problem Solving, I decided that I must not be sending the children to the Problem List often enough. There hasn't been anything on it for months. I resolved to use that strategy whenever things got hairy, and guess what? It worked! Three times in the past 2 days, when the kids were crying about something, I invited them to put their issue on the Problem List. Toby did actually write something and achieved No Name, No Blame: "My ears feel like they are going to fall off when there is a loud noise" (Hazel's crying). I offered Hazel magazines to cut out a picture of why she was upset, and they spent an hour peacefully clipping together. All three times, the crying and fighting immediately stopped. How many times can I do this before they catch on? There have been some whopping magazine-snip piles, but I guess that's pennies to pay for a more peaceful household.

Goal!

Toby did it: he wore clean clothes on five consecutive school days. This earns him the privilege of picking what he wants to wear. I am not convinced that we are finished with this, it was much harder for him than I had expected. Therefore five days is probably not enough to ingrain the habit. So we'll see - I am out of it for now. Gently moving on to the next thing...

Charity

Interesting, yesterday was the first time Toby said he didn't want to come to Family Meeting. On Saturday, he had gotten six gold dollar coins from his grandmother for Passover (each cousin got the number of their age), so on Sunday he said he already had six dollars and didn't need to come to the meeting. I made sure he understood that those were a different six dollars, and he would still get his allowance. We told him that no one had to come to the meeting, we would have it whether he came or not - but what would happen if we didn't have our timekeeper? Things could get all crazy. He responded that someone else could do it, but we told him each person had a job already and each person is important to the smooth running of the meeting. Eventually he decided that he would come, and he participated enthusiastically. I was surprised by his lack of interest solely based on money, since he's been so vigorous in his use of the Appreciations board, and that he felt so flush that he just wasn't interested in getting his allowance. I forgot to say that if he wasn't there, we would choose his Contributions for him. That's a big incentive.

Dan and I decided to do a Walk-Against-Hunger fundraiser, and we invited Toby to participate. He agreed, so I set up a web page for him on the organization's site, where people can make contributions to sponsor him and it keeps track of the money he's raised. Seeing it all set up got him motivated, and he was willing to write a personal email request for sponsorship that I sent out to our friends and family:

We are walking 3 miles to rase monny for hongry pepol. Can you pleese send some monny thank-you from:Toby

He also wrote a thank-you email which I have been sending out as the donations arrive:

Thanks for donating monny to walk-agenst-hunger [name]!
From:Toby

He's gotten over $400 in just a few days. So much positive reinforcement for his effort! People are very happy to support a child who is doing something for others. Three miles is a lot for him, so we're planning some "training" to build up his stamina - just like Dad getting ready for his 40-mile/day, week-long bike trip in May. I invited Toby to contribute some of his own money, and he said he had already raised a lot so he didn't need to do that. Then I invited him to sponsor me, since I don't have any sponsors yet, but no luck so far.

On the theme of charitable acts and contributions, I also tried talking with him about what causes might be important to him to support. His favorite animal is the turtle, so we decided to look into Save-the-Turtles organizations sometime.

One area where I am struggling is in trying to decide how much help is reasonable to give. For example, a paper came home from school, addressed to the parents, about a report that Toby has due this Friday. I asked him to read it to me, and asked how he thought he would go about doing it. "I don't know." Okay, I just let that sit - refrained from offering all sorts of suggestions. Days went by, the paper was getting buried on the counter, I knew he had forgotten all about it. I asked him again if he had thought about how he would like to do his report, or how he was going to remember when it was due. Nope. I suggested he give it some thought and said this was the last time I was going to mention it. Days later, still nothing. As I feel myself getting tense about it, I think, the kid's only six years old, he needs some parental involvement, a bit firmer nudging with open-ended questions or something. Then I think, the kid's only six, how bad can it be for him to show up without his report? Better for him to experience it now than in middle school or high school - maybe living the experience will teach him to pay attention to his assignments. I don't know.