I was in the dining room with Hazel, and the guys were in the other part of the house. Hazel went to see them, and when she came back to me, I asked what they were doing. She said Toby was doing computer games, and Dan was on the treadmill downstairs. I immediately got all in a flurry, mad at both of them that Toby was doing computer before his checklist was done. I debated confronting the situation now vs. holding it until Family Meeting, an hour later. I fumed about how to talk about it. After deciding that I would hold myself in check and just read all the established Agreements at the meeting, I walked to the bedroom. Toby was not there. I assumed he had walked away from the computer for a minute, and looked at the screen. Black. Then my eyes drifted downward... I had totally forgotten that the computer tower was in the shop to get a new CD drive. Hazel had just made it up! And set me off on such an internal whirlwind. I did in fact review the Agreements at the meeting, mostly for Dan's benefit, but also got to have an interesting conversation with Hazel about what I saw compared to what she was saying.
Button: nose-pick-and-eat!!!!!!!!!!!!! Totally unbearable to observe. I find myself leaving the room often.
Discussion with Dan about whether he is participating in this effort. I really didn't know what his stance was, if he was sort of trying to cooperate, or just not at all interested. He said that he was willing to go along to the extent of not disrupting what I'm doing, but he doesn't want to review the whole course. I think he was getting ready for my criticisms or an attack. I told him that whatever he wants to do is fine with me, just that if he wants to be helping, I can give him a few quick pieces of how we are supposed to be interacting with the kids differently, to remind him. He agreed to that and seemed relieved that I wasn't mad about his lack of enthusiasm. So the main points for him:
1- ignore the behaviors that you don't want to happen
2- don't remind
3- invite, don't direct
I tried something with Toby today that worked well. It is not really in line with PonT, but maybe a good transition tool. I needed the house picked up in anticipation of the cleaning person, and Toby had belongings all over the house - due to my Not Interfering all week. At Family Meeting, I told everyone I needed help with this today. I asked Toby if he would like a list of what I want him to do, and he said yes. I wrote down everything of his that I saw in each room, and he worked steadily, crossing things off as he went. Afterwards, I asked him how this strategy worked for him, and he agreed that it was better than my telling him each item, which feels much more like nagging. We also made a date for a game of Othello after the clean-up, and got to have a little one-on-one time.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
A success and updates
A success! This morning Dan was in charge, and I told him about trying to encourage Hazel to get down from the bed herself. There is a foam cushion on the side rail of the bed on one side, to protect from falling onto a hard edge. I heard after the fact: when she started asking to be carried down, he moved her over to the padded side, with lots of crying and protesting like yesterday. He walked to that side of the bed to assist/push her, while she moved back to the other side of the bed. Toby, meanwhile, had removed the padding and was trying to attach it to the side of the bed that Hazel wanted to use. During this activity, she sat on the edge of the bed and jumped down to a pillow on the floor! She created her own way of doing it, different from what we had been trying to teach her, and tried it out on her own terms. And my boy was trying to help her with her own goal. Rockin'!
I wanted mention a skill that Hazel has been doing regularly, that I was already encouraging gently without a lot of thought to PonT methods. She pees in her little potty usually twice a day, usually on her own initiative. She will run to the bathroom from another part of the house, take off her pants and diaper, pee, wipe, carry the potty to the toilet to dump it, and flush. She does pee in her diaper most of the time. After we get back from a vacation in February, I will try some more vigorous training - probably several days at home in just underpants.
I have been successful at Not Interfering with Toby waking up in the morning for school this week. There was that day I expected him to oversleep when he woke at 6:30, then a day where he woke up naturally at 7:15, a day off from school but he woke up to my alarm at 6:30, yesterday he woke up naturally at 7:05, and today he slept through the alarm for several minutes and woke up on his own around 6:50. So it seems that even if he forgets to set his alarm, or he sleeps through an alarm, he still gets up in time to get ready for school. Great information.
Toby's checklists have been getting done sporadically. In the mornings, he's still pretty regularly doing 6 of 8, and occasionally more. His bedmaking has improved dramatically. The quality of his breakfasts has plummetted, but at least he's putting something into his stomach (bunny crackers and limeade). In the evenings, he is very consistent with his school-related stuff and his bedtime routine, but practicing piano and doing his contribution are about 50%. There's a load of laundry that came out of the dryer 2 days ago, still not folded in the basket in the laundry room. In general, for very little specific incentive, I think he's doing a lot. The only P&R connected to the checklists is screen time, which he hasn't been using every day. It certainly seems to be true, what Vicki says, that there is much less mischief in the house when kids have a lot of jobs to do.
Something that I am coming to understand is that I get extremely frustrated and angry when Toby does not do house-related responsibilities that he knows are supposed to get done. Things like clearing dishes, putting food away, cleaning up after preparing food, throwing trash in the garbage pail, or wiping up spills. I was asking Dan for support in calming myself down last night, so that I could avoid expressing the anger to Toby - and he reminded me that what Toby is and isn't doing is fairly age-appropriate. That it is simply not realistic to expect him to clean up after himself all the time, to remember all this stuff. Regardless of where he is in relation to other kids, or to my desires, what I need to focus on are progress and improvement. I need to remember that his development trumps a clean house.
I wanted mention a skill that Hazel has been doing regularly, that I was already encouraging gently without a lot of thought to PonT methods. She pees in her little potty usually twice a day, usually on her own initiative. She will run to the bathroom from another part of the house, take off her pants and diaper, pee, wipe, carry the potty to the toilet to dump it, and flush. She does pee in her diaper most of the time. After we get back from a vacation in February, I will try some more vigorous training - probably several days at home in just underpants.
I have been successful at Not Interfering with Toby waking up in the morning for school this week. There was that day I expected him to oversleep when he woke at 6:30, then a day where he woke up naturally at 7:15, a day off from school but he woke up to my alarm at 6:30, yesterday he woke up naturally at 7:05, and today he slept through the alarm for several minutes and woke up on his own around 6:50. So it seems that even if he forgets to set his alarm, or he sleeps through an alarm, he still gets up in time to get ready for school. Great information.
Toby's checklists have been getting done sporadically. In the mornings, he's still pretty regularly doing 6 of 8, and occasionally more. His bedmaking has improved dramatically. The quality of his breakfasts has plummetted, but at least he's putting something into his stomach (bunny crackers and limeade). In the evenings, he is very consistent with his school-related stuff and his bedtime routine, but practicing piano and doing his contribution are about 50%. There's a load of laundry that came out of the dryer 2 days ago, still not folded in the basket in the laundry room. In general, for very little specific incentive, I think he's doing a lot. The only P&R connected to the checklists is screen time, which he hasn't been using every day. It certainly seems to be true, what Vicki says, that there is much less mischief in the house when kids have a lot of jobs to do.
Something that I am coming to understand is that I get extremely frustrated and angry when Toby does not do house-related responsibilities that he knows are supposed to get done. Things like clearing dishes, putting food away, cleaning up after preparing food, throwing trash in the garbage pail, or wiping up spills. I was asking Dan for support in calming myself down last night, so that I could avoid expressing the anger to Toby - and he reminded me that what Toby is and isn't doing is fairly age-appropriate. That it is simply not realistic to expect him to clean up after himself all the time, to remember all this stuff. Regardless of where he is in relation to other kids, or to my desires, what I need to focus on are progress and improvement. I need to remember that his development trumps a clean house.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Kids on board
Hazel had her first-ever dentist appointment yesterday, and they gave her some stickers at the end. She fell asleep in the car on the way home. Hours later, after waking and being inside for a while, she asked where the stickers were. We decided to go look in the car. Only problem was, she was wearing just a shirt. I told her that when she had her diaper and pants on, we could go look for the stickers. She got the diaper on, then ran to the door and put on boots and said she was ready. I opened the door to the garage and a big gust of cold air came in, right on those chubby little naked legs. She immediately said, "Not ready!" I assumed she was going to get pants, but no - she said she needed pacifiers!
Some time ago Hazel had been wanting to change her own poopy diapers, which really confounded me. I went through some effort of trying to help her wipe her own bum without getting poop all over the place when I took the diaper off. Also had several episodes of her taking the poopy diaper off herself, and of course then there was poop all over the place. Now my approach is, "When you poop in your potty, you can wipe your own tush." So hilarious, this morning she threw some orange on the floor and then asked for some chocolate milk. Toby hollered, "As soon as you pick up the orange!"
Toby seems to think that his checklist is just for after dinner. Yesterday he spent hours playing, and then got too tired to do anything else, before he got around to folding his laundry - which Hazel had strewn all around the bedroom since he left the basket on the floor. With some help from dad, he at least got it all back in the basket before collapsing in bed. This morning he proudly came to me about 20 minutes before he had to go out for the bus, saying his checklist was done already. He started to read, and I did say, "oh, hey, now that you have some extra time, there is that basket of laundry in the bedroom that you ran out of time for last night..." He went off to deal with it. I had given him a folding lesson yesterday, while I took care of Hazel's clothes. He came to me to ask for a refresher on shirts, then folded all his own laundry and put it away! I asked him how it went and he said, "Great!" He also made his bed about the neatest ever. I commented that the lines on the comforter (horizontal and vertical seams) were the straightest I'd ever seen them.
I blabbed a little this morning about getting my have-to stuff done before any want-to stuff, so I can see how much time I have available for want-to stuff after my responsibilities are done. Like right now, for instance. Now to keep my trap closed.
I left Hazel on the big bed this morning when I went out to the kitchen for breakfast. She hollered and cried for me to come get her down. After a while, I went to her and said "I'm sure you can figure this out, I've seen you do it." I kissed her and left. More vigorous crying for several minutes. I came back and said, "I'm not going to carry you down, but I can teach you how to do it." Hollering and protesting. I climbed down from the bed myself, toddler-style, then invited her to try, of course crying and protesting. Then I physically turned her body and slid her down the edge of the bed on her belly, put her feet on the ledge, and then down to the floor. She continued to cry for a few more minutes from the trauma - but tomorrow I won't be so generous.
Some time ago Hazel had been wanting to change her own poopy diapers, which really confounded me. I went through some effort of trying to help her wipe her own bum without getting poop all over the place when I took the diaper off. Also had several episodes of her taking the poopy diaper off herself, and of course then there was poop all over the place. Now my approach is, "When you poop in your potty, you can wipe your own tush." So hilarious, this morning she threw some orange on the floor and then asked for some chocolate milk. Toby hollered, "As soon as you pick up the orange!"
Toby seems to think that his checklist is just for after dinner. Yesterday he spent hours playing, and then got too tired to do anything else, before he got around to folding his laundry - which Hazel had strewn all around the bedroom since he left the basket on the floor. With some help from dad, he at least got it all back in the basket before collapsing in bed. This morning he proudly came to me about 20 minutes before he had to go out for the bus, saying his checklist was done already. He started to read, and I did say, "oh, hey, now that you have some extra time, there is that basket of laundry in the bedroom that you ran out of time for last night..." He went off to deal with it. I had given him a folding lesson yesterday, while I took care of Hazel's clothes. He came to me to ask for a refresher on shirts, then folded all his own laundry and put it away! I asked him how it went and he said, "Great!" He also made his bed about the neatest ever. I commented that the lines on the comforter (horizontal and vertical seams) were the straightest I'd ever seen them.
I blabbed a little this morning about getting my have-to stuff done before any want-to stuff, so I can see how much time I have available for want-to stuff after my responsibilities are done. Like right now, for instance. Now to keep my trap closed.
I left Hazel on the big bed this morning when I went out to the kitchen for breakfast. She hollered and cried for me to come get her down. After a while, I went to her and said "I'm sure you can figure this out, I've seen you do it." I kissed her and left. More vigorous crying for several minutes. I came back and said, "I'm not going to carry you down, but I can teach you how to do it." Hollering and protesting. I climbed down from the bed myself, toddler-style, then invited her to try, of course crying and protesting. Then I physically turned her body and slid her down the edge of the bed on her belly, put her feet on the ledge, and then down to the floor. She continued to cry for a few more minutes from the trauma - but tomorrow I won't be so generous.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Exhausted
It is about 7 p.m. I have been having a tough time today. Toby's backpack is outside by the swingset, on the ground, and it's pitch black out. He didn't eat dinner. Laundry that he put in the washer last night hasn't made it to the dryer yet. He hasn't even looked at his checklist to jog his memory about any of those things.
Locking myself in the bathroom when Hazel is crying feels horrible. I suppose she has learned how much I respond to her crying - but it still feels like she's a baby who needs a response to develop a sense of security. Right now she's walking around naked with a stapler in her hand. She said she has to poop so I am afraid to put my attention anywhere else. Locking the kids out when they are hysterical feels like I am telling them to stuff the expression of their feelings, that I am not there for them unless they behave the way I want. It does not feel like being "emotionally available" which is supposed to be the whole point. Earlier today she came out to the car in a shirt and diaper - it is 35 degrees. She wanted her pants pretty quick. I found another big button - wasting time. We were in danger of missing a scheduled activity for her, but not one I have paid for, and it has little value for me - but I was crawling out of my skin trying to get her going out the door. I just couldn't stand futzing around for an hour and a half with nothing to show for it. Maybe I need to focus on using my own time in a way that feels worthwhile and let her time fall where it falls.
I made some initital lists of skills they do, they can do but don't, and that they can't yet do. The ones I picked to make progress on this week are: Toby - putting dishes in the dishwasher; Hazel - getting down from the big bed herself. They have each done these things before but love to insist they can't. To encourage without Interfering Strategies - I could ask Toby HOW he would like to get his dishes clean, or how we can get dinner cleaned up together. I think for Hazel I just have to leave the room and wait for her elsewhere, she'll climb down eventually.
I asked Toby how I should talk to him when there is something I want him to do - he said, "Not angry." Woah, that slaps me right in the face. I asked for more and he said, "just ask me to do it." So later I asked for his help with this, that when I am using an angry voice could he tell me I am doing it, so I can stop and think about it and decide how else to do it? He said he would. I told him I couldn't promise it would always help, but I think it will help a lot of the time. Then I proceeded to politely ask him to clean up about 10 things.
Off to encourage Hazel to get into pajamas.
Locking myself in the bathroom when Hazel is crying feels horrible. I suppose she has learned how much I respond to her crying - but it still feels like she's a baby who needs a response to develop a sense of security. Right now she's walking around naked with a stapler in her hand. She said she has to poop so I am afraid to put my attention anywhere else. Locking the kids out when they are hysterical feels like I am telling them to stuff the expression of their feelings, that I am not there for them unless they behave the way I want. It does not feel like being "emotionally available" which is supposed to be the whole point. Earlier today she came out to the car in a shirt and diaper - it is 35 degrees. She wanted her pants pretty quick. I found another big button - wasting time. We were in danger of missing a scheduled activity for her, but not one I have paid for, and it has little value for me - but I was crawling out of my skin trying to get her going out the door. I just couldn't stand futzing around for an hour and a half with nothing to show for it. Maybe I need to focus on using my own time in a way that feels worthwhile and let her time fall where it falls.
I made some initital lists of skills they do, they can do but don't, and that they can't yet do. The ones I picked to make progress on this week are: Toby - putting dishes in the dishwasher; Hazel - getting down from the big bed herself. They have each done these things before but love to insist they can't. To encourage without Interfering Strategies - I could ask Toby HOW he would like to get his dishes clean, or how we can get dinner cleaned up together. I think for Hazel I just have to leave the room and wait for her elsewhere, she'll climb down eventually.
I asked Toby how I should talk to him when there is something I want him to do - he said, "Not angry." Woah, that slaps me right in the face. I asked for more and he said, "just ask me to do it." So later I asked for his help with this, that when I am using an angry voice could he tell me I am doing it, so I can stop and think about it and decide how else to do it? He said he would. I told him I couldn't promise it would always help, but I think it will help a lot of the time. Then I proceeded to politely ask him to clean up about 10 things.
Off to encourage Hazel to get into pajamas.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Yank
Oh, dear. I just yanked a wooden stick out of Toby's hand and said "You should know better than that!" He was hitting Hazel on the head - but she did have a plastic container on as a helmet. I don't think I was concerned about her getting hurt, more just really not liking him acting violently toward her. He started to cry that I had hurt his hand. I took a deep breath, asked to see it, kissed it and apologized.
Then Hazel started to cry when I told her she needed to put on a diaper, after about an hour of naked time. So frustrated. I excused myself from both of them and came in here to wind down. Toby came in to read something to me and Hazel ran in to show me she had put on her diaper. Now Toby wants help with the V-slicer - was it really a good idea to introduce him to that thing?
Then Hazel started to cry when I told her she needed to put on a diaper, after about an hour of naked time. So frustrated. I excused myself from both of them and came in here to wind down. Toby came in to read something to me and Hazel ran in to show me she had put on her diaper. Now Toby wants help with the V-slicer - was it really a good idea to introduce him to that thing?
A little more minutiae
My father and stepmother were visiting and I spent a lot of time talking about what I've been doing in terms of Parenting on Track. This morning, though, I couldn't help myself (button?) and asked Toby to put on a clean shirt for school - he'd been in that one for two days and nights. Let's see... Belief: people in dirty clothes are slobs, and kids in dirty clothes have neglectful parents. Consequence: no friends, ostracized, judged. Disputation: kids are in dirty clothes all the time, they can barely get through an activity or a meal and keep their clothes clean. All kids. Encouragement: instilling a sense of competence in my kids is more important than their clothing. He will develop an awareness of when clean clothes are a priority as he matures. He doesn't smell, and neither do I. He is an awesome kid, and interesting people sometimes pay less attention to superficial attributes. That's a good long list.
Last night there was serious dawdling with the lunch-making (although he did remember to do it himself) and he didn't get to bed until about ten o'clock! Since I had committed to not waking him in the morning, I predicted very late wake-up and maybe even missing the bus. But at 6:30 he came out of his room! Without an alarm. How did that happen?
Toby asked me to make him some hot chocolate milk this morning. I encouraged him to do it himself, since we had put everything he needed in easy reach. He said he couldn't open the microwave (not exactly true, but it is difficult for him) - so I said I would do that part if he did the rest. Which he did. Win/win. We also made a plan to keep a mug with the chocolate powder, within easy reach, that is his to use.
Next he asked for help making his bed, again. I said sure and talked him through it, with some resistance and complaining that I wasn't helping. When he got it basically done, he asked me if it was okay - I asked what he thought, and he said, "I think it's great!"
And he got out the door on time, teeth brushed, with a lunch - with grandparents visiting! That's a big step.
As soon as he got off the bus this afternoon, he asked if Kelly could come over. I answered, "Since you haven't talked to me about a plan for cleaning up snack and toys, the answer has to be no, for now." He began to protest that they wouldn't have a snack today, so I said, "Let's go inside and talk about a plan." He started to cry and asked if she could come over after that. I said, "Yes! As soon as you decide on a clean-up plan, she can come over." He calmed right down and as soon as we walked in the door, he proposed taping a note to the dining room doorframe. He got busy doing that and now they are happily playing together. I wrote the agreement in the Family Meeting book, and he said, "I knew you were going to do that!"
It looks like we'll be working on the minutiae for a little while, but I am seeing improvements every day. It feels great to hand over decision-making responsibility to him, and follow through with respecting his choices.
Last night there was serious dawdling with the lunch-making (although he did remember to do it himself) and he didn't get to bed until about ten o'clock! Since I had committed to not waking him in the morning, I predicted very late wake-up and maybe even missing the bus. But at 6:30 he came out of his room! Without an alarm. How did that happen?
Toby asked me to make him some hot chocolate milk this morning. I encouraged him to do it himself, since we had put everything he needed in easy reach. He said he couldn't open the microwave (not exactly true, but it is difficult for him) - so I said I would do that part if he did the rest. Which he did. Win/win. We also made a plan to keep a mug with the chocolate powder, within easy reach, that is his to use.
Next he asked for help making his bed, again. I said sure and talked him through it, with some resistance and complaining that I wasn't helping. When he got it basically done, he asked me if it was okay - I asked what he thought, and he said, "I think it's great!"
And he got out the door on time, teeth brushed, with a lunch - with grandparents visiting! That's a big step.
As soon as he got off the bus this afternoon, he asked if Kelly could come over. I answered, "Since you haven't talked to me about a plan for cleaning up snack and toys, the answer has to be no, for now." He began to protest that they wouldn't have a snack today, so I said, "Let's go inside and talk about a plan." He started to cry and asked if she could come over after that. I said, "Yes! As soon as you decide on a clean-up plan, she can come over." He calmed right down and as soon as we walked in the door, he proposed taping a note to the dining room doorframe. He got busy doing that and now they are happily playing together. I wrote the agreement in the Family Meeting book, and he said, "I knew you were going to do that!"
It looks like we'll be working on the minutiae for a little while, but I am seeing improvements every day. It feels great to hand over decision-making responsibility to him, and follow through with respecting his choices.
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