PonT on the road

I spent the last four days at my mother's with the children, and began my efforts to be consistent with our at-home PonT routines during a summer of lots of travelling. Before we left home, I initiated a P&R discussion with Toby about each place we are visiting this summer - safety in crowded public attractions, continuing Contributions as applicable in each setting, extending the behavior Rs from home to grandparents' houses, etc.

Last week we went to a water/amusement park and everybody had a great time - Toby agreed to certain limitations ahead of time, which made it much easier for me to keep track of both kids myself and let Hazel play also. I also told them I would buy each child one treat at the park, and if they wanted anything else they could buy it themselves. Toby forgot his money and wanted to play a midway game. On his own, he decided to find out how much the game cost before getting his treat, and them chose to use that money just for the game - he won two prizes, got no ice cream, and was thrilled! Me too. All the planning ahead helped us have a great day.

Things got trickier at my mother's. She, like most adults I think, could barely restrain herself from picking up after the children, clearing their dishes, or folding their laundry. There was lots of extra commentary on what everyone was eating or not eating, wearing or not wearing, doing or not doing. One particularly stark moment was when we met an acquaintance of hers who suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder, on a walk. He immediately rattled off a list of concerns about Toby's condition (Your shoe is untied. Your shirt is inside out. Your backpack is unzipped.), none of which were problems for Toby.

The kids, at my mother's invitation, sorted through the games, books, and toys that she has for them. With a small amount of help from me, they were able to agree on a significant pile of stuff that they were both willing to discard. They loaded it up in a wagon, Toby decided on prices, we made signs, and they were off to have a sale. My mom and her friends swooped down on them and made some strong suggestions about price changes and specials for friends. They did make $6, and Toby offered a free item to any kid without money.

Sibling conflict was another situation that received more adult interference than at home. There was plenty of it, but all brief flare-ups. Toby, especially, increases in volume and duration if his fire is fed any attention. Before we went, we discussed how small Grandma's house is and how any screaming in the house affects everyone. There is a free-standing bedroom out behind the main house, and the children agreed that if anyone was screaming, they would go into the back house until they were done. Toby went out there himself a couple of times when he was upset, but there was one instance when Hazel started crying and my mother whisked her out to the back house by herself. That did not feel right to me, so I was challenged to try to explain to my mother how I envisioned the system working.

When I hear a cry or scream:
First, I decide if it sounds like pain or upset. If it sounds like serious pain, I go check it out. Otherwise, I wait a few minutes - most often it dies down. If anyone comes to me, I respond in a neutral/redirecting way, and it dies down. If the noise continues and sounds like for noise's sake, then I encourage the child to the back house to calm down/express themselves without bothering other people.

As I was going through this progression of responses, it was very clear that only a parent or full-time caregiver can identify these subtleties in the sounds. However, things went pretty well, the kids cooperated for the most part, and the adults avoided any major conflict!