Other people's children

I have been trying to pay more attention lately to getting back to PonT strategies. One that I have used pretty consistently is to get out of the car when the kids are screaming or fighting or pretend-crying. I let them know that it is not safe for me to drive with that going on in the car, and they should tap on the window when they are done and ready to go. It usually works pretty quickly to calm things down, or else they get a good vent without my having to listen to it. I can't remember a situation where I was so urgent to get somewhere that I couldn't follow through with this technique.

Hazel sometimes spends a good long time yelling by herself in the car. If I let her know that *now* is when we have to go if she doesn't want to miss her class or gymnastics or whatever, then she can stop right away. But she can be pretty stubborn.

On Wednesdays I bring Hazel to a friend's house in the morning, while I go to Zumba. The friend's grandma watches the girls, then I come back and we all have lunch, then I take the girls to gymnastics class. Today the girls decided they both wanted to sit in the carseat that has pockets on the sides. The friend sat in it and Hazel refused to get in the other one. There was some crying, and I offered to teach them scissors/paper/rock so they could figure out who gets to sit in that carseat first (I did declare that they would switch for the ride back). Hazel was not interested in that, so I said I would wait outside while they figured it out. I got out and shut the door. Then the grandma came out on her way to the store.

It must have looked odd. I explained that they both wanted to sit in the same seat, and I was letting them sort it out. Before she drove away, she asked me if her granddaughter was crying. No, she was fine, but Hazel was still sitting between the front seats. After a few more minutes, I stuck my head in and said it was time to go if they wanted to get to gymnastics on time. I said when I saw two girls in seats, I would buckle them and we could go. Hazel then got into a seat and, to their delight, I taught them the game, which they played during the whole car ride. Everyone happy! We were on time! Worked out beautifully and no one was upset (especially me).

I have never applied PonT to other people's children before. I know from experience that the grandma insists on her granddaughter wearing her raincoat and things like that. After the class, the girl refused to put her pants back on. Now, that would be fine with me - after all, we're only getting into and out of the car - but I knew the grandma wouldn't like it if I brought her back with naked legs in the chilly rain. I decided that I wouldn't let felt judgement push me into a conflict with this little girl over something silly. Luckily, a bit later, I just held out her pants and she got into them while she was paying attention to something else. Problem solved.

It felt like a big success to me to avoid two rabbit holes in the space of an hour - and when people from "the outside world" are involved, it is so much easier to fall in. I love handing the responsibility over to the children. I have experienced time and time again how virtually any involvement on my part just fuels the fire of whatever drama is going on. Gives me a little boost to do it again next time.