Other people's children

I have been trying to pay more attention lately to getting back to PonT strategies. One that I have used pretty consistently is to get out of the car when the kids are screaming or fighting or pretend-crying. I let them know that it is not safe for me to drive with that going on in the car, and they should tap on the window when they are done and ready to go. It usually works pretty quickly to calm things down, or else they get a good vent without my having to listen to it. I can't remember a situation where I was so urgent to get somewhere that I couldn't follow through with this technique.

Hazel sometimes spends a good long time yelling by herself in the car. If I let her know that *now* is when we have to go if she doesn't want to miss her class or gymnastics or whatever, then she can stop right away. But she can be pretty stubborn.

On Wednesdays I bring Hazel to a friend's house in the morning, while I go to Zumba. The friend's grandma watches the girls, then I come back and we all have lunch, then I take the girls to gymnastics class. Today the girls decided they both wanted to sit in the carseat that has pockets on the sides. The friend sat in it and Hazel refused to get in the other one. There was some crying, and I offered to teach them scissors/paper/rock so they could figure out who gets to sit in that carseat first (I did declare that they would switch for the ride back). Hazel was not interested in that, so I said I would wait outside while they figured it out. I got out and shut the door. Then the grandma came out on her way to the store.

It must have looked odd. I explained that they both wanted to sit in the same seat, and I was letting them sort it out. Before she drove away, she asked me if her granddaughter was crying. No, she was fine, but Hazel was still sitting between the front seats. After a few more minutes, I stuck my head in and said it was time to go if they wanted to get to gymnastics on time. I said when I saw two girls in seats, I would buckle them and we could go. Hazel then got into a seat and, to their delight, I taught them the game, which they played during the whole car ride. Everyone happy! We were on time! Worked out beautifully and no one was upset (especially me).

I have never applied PonT to other people's children before. I know from experience that the grandma insists on her granddaughter wearing her raincoat and things like that. After the class, the girl refused to put her pants back on. Now, that would be fine with me - after all, we're only getting into and out of the car - but I knew the grandma wouldn't like it if I brought her back with naked legs in the chilly rain. I decided that I wouldn't let felt judgement push me into a conflict with this little girl over something silly. Luckily, a bit later, I just held out her pants and she got into them while she was paying attention to something else. Problem solved.

It felt like a big success to me to avoid two rabbit holes in the space of an hour - and when people from "the outside world" are involved, it is so much easier to fall in. I love handing the responsibility over to the children. I have experienced time and time again how virtually any involvement on my part just fuels the fire of whatever drama is going on. Gives me a little boost to do it again next time.

Problem Solving

Although my kids are very resistant to using the Problem List at Family Meeting, we have been able to use the Problem Solving method with success several times. Dan presented his problem at the meeting: "I have a problem when people run around the house naked, sticking their hands in their tushies and putting tushie germs on everything."

Here are the proposed solutions:
Dan - wear boxing gloves whenever naked to prevent tushie hands
me - kids are just not allowed to touch anything in the house
Hazel - hop on one foot for ten minutes (??)
Toby - no being naked unless you're changing your clothes or in the bathroom

Dan chose Toby's solution, everyone gave it a "five" (agreement) and we tried it for a week. At the next meeting, we asked how this solution had been working, and Hazel frowned and shook her head "no." With some questioning, she managed to explain that she missed some naked time especially when we play a chase-and-strip game (our most recent and successful solution to the problem of wearing dirty clothes for 5 days in a row). So she modified the previous solution to include an exception for the game, and everyone agreed to try this for a week and monitor tushie hands.

How awesome is it that a 3-year-old can critique and influence family policy successfully?

a new experience

While we were on vacation in Mexico, Toby lost his wallet. We had an annoying 3-bus trip back from a park to our hotel, and we think it was left on the second bus while he was distracted playing with our new camera. He had about $20 plus about $4 worth of pesos in it, and it had been made for him by a friend of ours. He tends to carry it in his hand instead of putting it in a pocket, and so he often puts it down.

We went together and asked the person at the tour desk to call the bus company, and gave whatever information we could remember. He held out hope for a couple of days that it would turn up. As the wallet's real loss dawned on him, Toby told me how much money he thought he'd had in it, and "so that's how much you should give me." I responded that when I have lost money, no one gave it back to me. He understood and got very upset for about an hour. We offered sympathy and when he was feeling better, we told stories of awful losses we have experienced (all our belongings packed into a car that got stolen, for example).

He handled it much better than I would have expected. Today he said, "Next time I won't bring my wallet to another country. I'll only bring it if I know I'm going to want to buy something." So he's taking in the experience and processing some learning from it. Amazingly, there was no whining or asking for things to be bought for him. It really seemed like after the initial reality sank in, he resigned himself to the situation and kept moving forward.

Reading Log

About a week ago, a paper came home from school addressed "Dear Parent". It informed me that my child would now be bringing home a Reading Log every night and asked that I make sure he reads at least 20 minutes a night, and records the book title and pages and minutes read on his log. And that I make sure he brings borrowed books back to school. I read the letter to Toby. Over the next few days, I asked him what he was reading each evening, and if he had completed his log. And I noticed an immediate change.

Toby is a huge reader, as I have mentioned before. He will often read a chapter book in one sitting, brings books to read in the car, etc. And as soon as I started meddling in his relationship with books, it changed. He became reluctant to read, would read for the prescribed 20 minutes only, and had to be pushed repeatedly to complete his log. It didn't take me long to decide that this was counter-productive.

I wrote an email to his teacher explaining that he normally reads at least as much as she wanted, if not more, and books that challenged him - but that as soon as the Reading Log began, his reading became a power struggle between us. I wrote, "I don't want to mess up something with my interference, that was working fine without it." I let her know that I would be leaving Toby's reading decisions up to him, that I felt comfortable with his ability and motivation to push himself, without my involvement. I asked her to address it with him, if the log did not meet her expectations.

She said that was fine with her.

Today he read for about an hour and a half.

A successful communication of confidence in my child, a clear demonstration of how our interference can undermine their efforts, and a constructive interaction with his teacher. Win!

A new year!

So Toby went to school without any pants.

And I didn't say a word.

Okay, he was wearing longjohns, so it wasn't like his white chicken legs were poking out of his snowboots - but it was definitely something I would never have even considered keeping quiet about in years past. Apparently, no harm came to him, no teasing, no calls to me from Children's Services, all was well, and I was able to let him live his own life. While sometimes it drives me crazy, there is a certain charm to his utter lack of concern about his appearance. Much like his dad.

I am finally getting my butt in gear with a reboot of PonT for the new year. Made a new and improved list of most prominent Useless Behaviors for each child, and my most glaring Interfering Strategies. Unfortunately the lists displayed some regression from past progress, I suppose that ebbs and flows. My new list of Enhancing Strategies was very satisfying, though. A lot of PonT stuff has become second nature, or I have found my own interpretation that unfolds naturally.

Do you think I could get away with stopping the Interfering Strategies without having to do a Do Nothing, Say Nothing week?

Then I made some headway with my lists of the skills the kids have and do spontaneously, have but don't do spontaneously, and skills they need to learn. Awesome progress on those since last year! Then I ran out of energy. Timeline for Training is on hold. My goal for this week is to make note of when I am upset with the children, notice what they are doing, how I feel, and what strategy I would normally use first. And try something different. Then look at my list and see who's after which Mistaken Goals of Behavior. Which leads me to the Four Cs and where to put my focus in nourishing the true displayed need.

So much to remind myself of. Good stuff. I can see and feel the lapses, I have lost some focus and the kids' behavior reflects that. Back on Track!

P.S. Hazel's outfit of choice these days is her kelly green Buzz Lightyear pajamas. She wears them at least 3 days a week, sometimes consecutively.

Year-end assessment

Last night I re-read the whole blog. As I went, I made a list of each issue or skill that has improved over the past year. It's huge! So affirming to see it in print.

Toby:
waking up on time by himself
making lunch independently
doing homework and projects without reminders
brushing teeth without reminders
willing to be responsible for checking out library books
folding and putting away laundry
showering independently
saying "please" and "thank you" spontaneously
agreeing to requests, helping out
thinking of Appreciations
asking for timer to be set in the morning, out to bus on time
clearing dishes after dinner
stopped using pull-ups at night
no spitting
uses timer for computer time consistently, without reminders
table manners
rudeness/bossiness/shrieking/arguing much improved, now rare
Screamfests much less often


Hazel:
getting off big bed by herself
using the toilet
getting dressed and undressed by herself
putting on/taking off shoes and coat
using "please, thank you, you're welcome"
thinking of Appreciations
getting a drink of water
washing hands
sleeping much improved
nearly weaned
sleeps until 7 a.m.
cooperates with bedtime routine

How immensely gratifying, to see returns on the enormous energy investment I have made with all the PonT strategies. Big motivator to stick with it!

Giving thanks

Today I helped in Toby's classroom with a Thanksgiving project. Toby stepped away from his project several times to come kiss or hug me. I suppose it could just be his personality, or our family style - but it could also have something to do with Vicki's story about other mothers asking her how she and her children appeared to actually like each other. I didn't notice any other parents getting kisses in class. For this in my life I am thankful!