Crisis of confidence

Fests have been very quiet, nearly but not quite absent. A huge improvement in my daily quality of life. A lost dessert prompted Toby to write "I need to have two desserts evry day!!!" on the Problem List. Looking forward to that discussion.

I have been feeling very stumped lately - he has been so fresh, provocative, argumentative, and angry. He seems to have migrated from a mostly Attention/some Power child to a full Power/some Revenge. I feel furious - that means we are in a power struggle (obviously), and to work on the dynamic I am supposed to promote his feelings of capability. I am trying to acknowledge lots of things I see him doing ("It's the end of the second week of school, and you have remembered to make and bring your lunch every single day!" etc.), but it also seems like he's doing less and less. A number of tasks he was doing pretty reliably last year have fallen by the wayside. We are having huge struggles over clothing, food, picking up after himself. Well, huge is relative - no yelling or punishments, just our mutual anger about differences in desires. We had an old agreement about clean clothes, he earns the privilege of choosing his own clothing to wear if he wears clean clothes to school. On the days I have picked out clothes for him, since he wore dirty ones the day before, he just got dressed in other clothes. My goal (clean clothes) was accomplished but he defied the agreement. I haven't done anything to enforce agreements, just restated that the way he earns the ability to choose is by demonstrating the responsibility. It seems to me the problem here (the practical problem, not the power conflict) is that he simply has no internal motivator to wear clean clothing. He has no concern about how he is seen by others in regards to his clothing, and he has not experienced any negative social feedback from this behavior. The status of his clothing seems to have taken on a life as a gauge of power dynamics between us. I tried to unravel my value about clean clothing, and unfortunately I think it boils down to personal prestige and nothing much else. Right now it is looking like the only truthful option is to completely let go of it, shut my eyes and mouth, and let him figure out for himself - on his own *gulp* timetable - whether this is of value to him in his own life. The kid could be in really dirty clothes (underpants 5 days old, people!) until he starts wanting to date. Really.

I also feel like food has taken on the same role. I have some real concerns about his nutritional status, but anything I do only amps up the fight. Again, it is looking like my best hope for deflating the power struggle is to stay quiet. He has been mostly respectful of our basic food agreements (you have to eat 3 different food groups to earn dessert, and only 2 sweet treats a day), so we're not fighting about eating candy for breakfast or anything like that. A drop of disputation: he eats way less junk than the average American kid does in the "nutritious" part of their meal. Deep breath - he'll be fine - and if he's not, his doctor can discuss it with him. He's tiny - 7 years old in 5T clothes - and I know a bit self-conscious about it. I did tell him that he needs good nutrition and at least some protein to grow well. Now I should stop talking and nagging, and give it some time. He has a check-up in November, maybe I can have a private conversation with the doctor beforehand.

I have asked him a few times what he thinks should happen if agreements aren't kept. I want to stay away from a punishment model, of removing privileges - but there are several that he is enjoying but not earning. One idea is to start from scratch - tell him he has no privileges until they are earned, and give him the list of responsibilities that we agreed on last year. I don't want to be a big meanie, I want to be positive and supportive and emotionally available! I am not feeling good about all this these days.