Money-money-money!

Right now I am sitting in the car with Hazel while she sleeps, and Toby is inside at a birthday party. Here is the story of the birthday present:

When Toby turned seven and his allowance went up, one new expense that he was told would now be his responsibility, was buying gifts. He has had a big wad of cash in his wallet for ages, and has traded in piles of $1 bills for fives and tens. So the idea that he might not have enough for a gift wasn't really a concern.

His school's book fair happened this week. The way they increase their revenue is by sending the kids in during school time, and having them create a wish list to bring home - for parents to use as a shopping list when we go in for Open House. When Toby showed me his list, I asked if he wanted any help figuring how much money he needed to bring to school, to buy what he wanted. I am thrilled that he wants books, and don't want to discourage it in any way - but library and used books are my preference for sure. I expect him to discover this himself after spending lots of money on new books over the years. Ultimately, he spent about $25 and has been totally absorbed in the books since then. Great experience! Except...

How much did he have left to buy the gift for this party? Complicating the situation is the fact that this friend is the child of a colleague of Dan's. Dan approached me early in the week, basically expressing that allowing Toby to go to the party without an appropriate or possibly any gift, was unacceptable to him. I see it as a personal prestige issue, he sees it as limits of acceptable social behavior, and as unfair to the birthday child and his family. I told Dan to handle it with Toby however he wanted.

Dan reminded him of the party and asked what he wanted to do about a gift. Toby chose a store to go to, and this morning we went. I really wanted to be the one to take him, because I was worried how Dan would handle it if Toby didn't have enough money, or chose something Dan felt wasn't good enough.

Toby did not know how much money he had, but he brought a bank full of change in addition to his wallet. He wanted to get some sort of Lego set. We looked at the various packages, which ranged in price from $8 to $50. The $8 toy really looked tiny. However, he chose that and decided he wanted to give it with something else. Most things he looked at were $15, $20, or more. His final choice was to get two smaller things instead of one larger. It would be a small gift but not ridiculously inappropriate. He made the purchase on his own (while I was in the bathroom!). The only input I gave was to point out the age recommendations on the packages - he likes toys meant for younger kids, and was buying for an older kid. To give him some frame of reference, I told him that most of the gifts he got at his party probably cost between $15 and $25. He replied, "Yeah, but none of those kids had to buy them themselves!"

After the party -
During present-opening, we heard Toby yell out, "I was gonna get that for you, but it was, like, fifteen dollars!" Dan was slightly mortified. This led to another conversation about how my using PonT methods as learning experiences for our children negatively impacts other people. The gift inequity ($5-$10?) he sees as unfair to the birthday child and as potential for our child to get a reputation as a bad gift-giver. I think gift-choosing and -buying is something everyone has to learn and like most things, actually has less impact on other people and our kids if done earlier rather than later in life. Having to part with his own money to give toys to his friends will help him better appreciate the gifts that he receives. And maybe we can use these experiences to instill the value of generous intention over tangible objects - "it's the thought that counts." To decrease materialism and consumerism. Too lofty, high and mighty? And not fair to other children whose parents bought more expensive gifts for ours? Really, I think all these kids have way more junk than is even good for them. Many of my friends encourage other parents to help their kids recycle a used toy into a gift for their own child. I guess the questions are (1) is it really so rude to give a cheaper gift to a kid in a family that does not share these values, and (2) do we as parents have to be involved in any of this?

My feeling was that the message that was being sent was: to be a good friend, or to be socially accepted, you have to give a gift that costs as much as the ones you have received. When I asked Dan if this is what he believes, his response was, "I don't want to be cheap." But it isn't him, it's Toby. That sounds like a personal prestige issue to me. Teaching our kids about the taboos around money in our culture is very complicated.