Tantrum

Haven't posted in a long time. Dan and I just got back from a couples' workshop, so that's got me thinking about all kinds of issues. This was our first time away together without children, two nights. Here is what happened when we got home:

The children both greeted us enthusiastically and joyfully. Hazel wanted all my attention for the first hour or more. After dinner, we called Family Meeting. When she arrived, she wanted to be Chairperson, but this week was Toby's turn. She refused to take any of the other 3 jobs available and began screaming. The rest of us went into another room and shut the door. She continued to scream outside the door.

Here I will insert a little background information - a couple of weeks ago, she got some bug bites that were really bothering her. Over the next couple of days, we went through a variety of remedies to help her, including itch cream, ice packs, Ace bandages, popcorn (not to eat, but to apply to the bug bite!), bandaids. I guess she realized that her complaints got her a lot of attention, because she started shrieking about her leg pain (=itchy bites) any time she was not happy about something. I say no to ice cream for breakfast? Her legs suddenly hurt unbearably. Etcetera. I wanted to attend to her discomfort and express caring, but not to reinforce that behavior as a control strategy. It had gotten to the point that if she began shrieking immediately after being thwarted in some desire, I would just walk away.

So... the screaming outside the door of Family Meeting quickly became calls for Mommy to help her with her legs hurting. When she came into the meeting room, Dan went out and put one bandaid on her and told her she needed to wait until after the meeting, then we would help her more. She continued to howl but did not come into the room where we were. We were able to finish the meeting.

As soon as the meeting was over, Dan and I both went to her. She had stopped yelling and was in fact sneaking extra dessert. As soon as we came into the room, she started crying and thrashing around, kicking her legs and saying, "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch, ouch, ouch!!!" We sat quietly near her on the floor as she continued to have this kicking tantrum for around 45 minutes with no decrease in volume. We just sat there with her, and I occasionally put my hand on her back. Sometimes she accepted it and sometimes she squirmed away. She never asked us to do anything for her leg pain, and we didn't offer. Eventually, very gradually, she nudged into the crook of my arm so I could put my arm around her. Still screaming, crying, and kicking, she slowly squirmed onto my lap. She let me put my arms around her but continued in the same vein. Again, after a long time, she slowly began losing steam. One yell would be a little weaker, then a bunch of loud ones, then another weaker one. She soon began nodding off and then fell completely asleep.

While PonT wouldn't support our keeping vigil with her during her tantrum, I felt that this was good for her tonight. She needed to reconnect after our time away, was obviously exhausted and having a tough time coping. We gave her space to express her unhappiness and remained unconditionally accepting. I let her decide when and how to come to me, and received her lovingly even though she was still in her tantrum. Because this was all non-verbal and we maintained a neutral, passive attitude, I didn't feel like we were indulging her or reinforcing the behavior.

After a whole weekend of listening to adults talk about how what they didn't get from their parents has impacted how they can relate in their partner relationships, I am ever more mindful of trying to meet my children's needs. Not to satisfy their every whim, but to help them feel valued and heard, capable and respected. Tricky.