Reading Log

About a week ago, a paper came home from school addressed "Dear Parent". It informed me that my child would now be bringing home a Reading Log every night and asked that I make sure he reads at least 20 minutes a night, and records the book title and pages and minutes read on his log. And that I make sure he brings borrowed books back to school. I read the letter to Toby. Over the next few days, I asked him what he was reading each evening, and if he had completed his log. And I noticed an immediate change.

Toby is a huge reader, as I have mentioned before. He will often read a chapter book in one sitting, brings books to read in the car, etc. And as soon as I started meddling in his relationship with books, it changed. He became reluctant to read, would read for the prescribed 20 minutes only, and had to be pushed repeatedly to complete his log. It didn't take me long to decide that this was counter-productive.

I wrote an email to his teacher explaining that he normally reads at least as much as she wanted, if not more, and books that challenged him - but that as soon as the Reading Log began, his reading became a power struggle between us. I wrote, "I don't want to mess up something with my interference, that was working fine without it." I let her know that I would be leaving Toby's reading decisions up to him, that I felt comfortable with his ability and motivation to push himself, without my involvement. I asked her to address it with him, if the log did not meet her expectations.

She said that was fine with her.

Today he read for about an hour and a half.

A successful communication of confidence in my child, a clear demonstration of how our interference can undermine their efforts, and a constructive interaction with his teacher. Win!

A new year!

So Toby went to school without any pants.

And I didn't say a word.

Okay, he was wearing longjohns, so it wasn't like his white chicken legs were poking out of his snowboots - but it was definitely something I would never have even considered keeping quiet about in years past. Apparently, no harm came to him, no teasing, no calls to me from Children's Services, all was well, and I was able to let him live his own life. While sometimes it drives me crazy, there is a certain charm to his utter lack of concern about his appearance. Much like his dad.

I am finally getting my butt in gear with a reboot of PonT for the new year. Made a new and improved list of most prominent Useless Behaviors for each child, and my most glaring Interfering Strategies. Unfortunately the lists displayed some regression from past progress, I suppose that ebbs and flows. My new list of Enhancing Strategies was very satisfying, though. A lot of PonT stuff has become second nature, or I have found my own interpretation that unfolds naturally.

Do you think I could get away with stopping the Interfering Strategies without having to do a Do Nothing, Say Nothing week?

Then I made some headway with my lists of the skills the kids have and do spontaneously, have but don't do spontaneously, and skills they need to learn. Awesome progress on those since last year! Then I ran out of energy. Timeline for Training is on hold. My goal for this week is to make note of when I am upset with the children, notice what they are doing, how I feel, and what strategy I would normally use first. And try something different. Then look at my list and see who's after which Mistaken Goals of Behavior. Which leads me to the Four Cs and where to put my focus in nourishing the true displayed need.

So much to remind myself of. Good stuff. I can see and feel the lapses, I have lost some focus and the kids' behavior reflects that. Back on Track!

P.S. Hazel's outfit of choice these days is her kelly green Buzz Lightyear pajamas. She wears them at least 3 days a week, sometimes consecutively.

Year-end assessment

Last night I re-read the whole blog. As I went, I made a list of each issue or skill that has improved over the past year. It's huge! So affirming to see it in print.

Toby:
waking up on time by himself
making lunch independently
doing homework and projects without reminders
brushing teeth without reminders
willing to be responsible for checking out library books
folding and putting away laundry
showering independently
saying "please" and "thank you" spontaneously
agreeing to requests, helping out
thinking of Appreciations
asking for timer to be set in the morning, out to bus on time
clearing dishes after dinner
stopped using pull-ups at night
no spitting
uses timer for computer time consistently, without reminders
table manners
rudeness/bossiness/shrieking/arguing much improved, now rare
Screamfests much less often


Hazel:
getting off big bed by herself
using the toilet
getting dressed and undressed by herself
putting on/taking off shoes and coat
using "please, thank you, you're welcome"
thinking of Appreciations
getting a drink of water
washing hands
sleeping much improved
nearly weaned
sleeps until 7 a.m.
cooperates with bedtime routine

How immensely gratifying, to see returns on the enormous energy investment I have made with all the PonT strategies. Big motivator to stick with it!

Giving thanks

Today I helped in Toby's classroom with a Thanksgiving project. Toby stepped away from his project several times to come kiss or hug me. I suppose it could just be his personality, or our family style - but it could also have something to do with Vicki's story about other mothers asking her how she and her children appeared to actually like each other. I didn't notice any other parents getting kisses in class. For this in my life I am thankful!

Make and serve him breakfast?

So - I had resigned from making or even suggesting breakfasts for Toby, some time ago. Sometimes he ate, sometimes not, I kept quiet. I found a microwave oatmeal he really liked and could make himself, and then he was eating breakfast very consistently for awhile. We had the opportunity to have a conversation about how he feels different in his body at school when he eats in the morning vs. not. But eventually the allure of the new oatmeal waned and he went back to once or twice a week having no breakfast at all. I was dealing with it okay.

Yesterday he had his annual doctor visit, and his weight is in the first percentile (99% of kids his age weigh more) and his height is in the 4th. The doctor was very disturbed about the breakfast thing and really insisted that he eat something before school, and that I make sure it happens. There are more details but I guess this is sliding into the "morally or physically dangerous" area in which we are supposed to intervene. Although we do know several other families in which the kids were tiny and the parents were tormented by the pediatricians - all children of physicians, and all kids who eat a variety of healthy foods. Anyway, I feel frustrated because I know Toby is perfectly capable of bringing a baggie of Cheerios to school to eat, vs. buying a box of Cheerios at school. He likes to use his allowance to buy breakfast at school, and as long as he has the money, he buys it and eats it. But I am not willing to finance this as it costs one TENTH to eat the same foods from home.

I am going to spend a couple of weeks preparing and serving him simple breakfasts, which he can eat at home or take with him. Then I am going to work on gradually having him take over the items one at a time, so he is still eating from home but he is taking care of it himself. Did I surrender that to him too early? The doctor said it is unusual for kids to not want to eat in the morning, when they aren't eating breakfast it is most often because there is no food in the house - but I know from other PonT blogs that plenty of these kids will leave the house without eating if left to their own devices. The difference is, I'm sure, are the kids being presented with something tasty and appealing in front of them, ready to eat with no effort on their part? I would eat every day if someone was doing that for me.

Finding the balance...

Quick update

Things have been running along fairly smoothly here. Screamfests seem to have (knock wood!) died down quite a bit. They are so much less frequent and they are brief. It is a miracle! I really don't know what did it - I spent months leaving the room and closing the door, weeks taking away dessert, and finally sort of decided to just back off?? Everything is just plugging along - we started a different Contributions organization a month or so ago and that's working pretty well. There are two piles of tongue depressor sticks, one with daily jobs and one with as-needed jobs, and we each pick two of each type. The sticks have magnets on the back and everything goes on a magnetic white board, four jobs under each person's name, displayed in the kitchen. The kids are not doing too much on their own initiative but they do a lot with "Yes, As Soon As." Dan has been pretty content with the new arrangement. There is opportunity for trading sticks in the meeting, one of each type. We have had one week of each child planning the dinners! Very entertaining - I prompt for multiple food groups and they pick items to round out the meals. During Toby's week we had pasta three nights out of four.

Lots of different specific situations have come up that seemed interesting enough for the blog, relevant enough in regards to PonT, but I didn't get to it. Here is today's:

We have been planning to cancel our TV service, which we started a month or so ago in connection with getting faster internet service (which was the real goal, but couldn't be accessed without also purchasing the TV). Now that the internet is established, we can cancel the TV and keep the fast internet. I was going to do it today, and before I got to it, Toby announced that there is going to be an AWESOME SpongeBob special on November 11th. The kids knew that our TV service was temporary and was going to be cancelled soon. I told him that I had been planning to do it today, but perhaps we could figure out a compromise. I offered to calculate how much the TV cost per day, then the total for keeping it 9 extra days, and split that evenly with him. If it was worth that amount of money to him to keep the TV long enough to watch this show, then I would be willing to pay half. I asked if that sounded fair, and he agreed. When he found out it would only cost him $5, he was thrilled and thought he got a great deal.

Groceries

I have been trying to figure out how to train Toby to grocery shop. Previously, when he picked that as his contribution, I would bring him with me and ask him questions about how to find things in the store as we went through. I always ended up feeling impatient, annoyed, rushed, and angry - and I'm sure he didn't get much out of it. So I realized that trying to bring him into the major weekly shop for the family is too pressured and overwhelming, for both of us. Today I did a big shop just with Hazel, and left about 10 items from the list. When Toby came home from school, we went to the store and I gave him the list. We had lots of time and my primary objective was to support his learning. I followed him around the store as he looked for the items on the list, and when he saw additional things he wanted, we decided whether he would buy them himself or if they would be part of the family purchase. I said I would be happy to pay for anything marginally healthy, that we don't already have a bunch of at home. We went halvsies on a chocolate cake (his idea). Things went well (although very, very slowly) until Hazel started crying about something - I think maybe Toby gave her a little shove. He lost it, as usual, so there we are in the store with a screamfest in progress. I told them we had to leave, and he started screaming that he needed to buy some more things. I managed to calm Hazel (who had not napped and got a very painful flu shot this morning) and then we were able to get our last two items. We celebrated a successful shop in the car on the way home. Later I explained that if an adult started screaming in the store, security would escort them out, and so if they do that, we also need to leave immediately - it is too disruptive to other shoppers. I think he got a lot more out of this trip than any other grocery shopping trip, the scaled-down goal was a big improvement. Today's experience taught me to limit his list to things I can do without, so if we have to abandon our groceries, it's fine with me. Create a situation in which success is achievable, and focus on the goal (the learning, not the ingredients!).