A snippet of daily life, PonT in action:
My kids love the haircut place with the video games and prizes, but they get crappy haircuts. I have been asking them to go to my hair stylist (who is also cheaper), and offering that they get to use my phone to play games and get some prize afterwards, but they want the kids' place. I was tormented by this, and started to think to myself, "I am the parent. I can just take them where I want to take them. Where else in my life am I willing to pay more for something of lower quality??" Then... I thought for a minute, how would PonT address this situation? And it came to me in a flash of brilliance. I asked the kids if their preference for the kids' place was worth enough to them to pay the difference. And it wasn't, so they willingly came to my hair salon and got gorgeous cuts - and had fun since they were the center of attention. No conflict or power struggle, no overruling their desires! Thank you!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Tantrum
Haven't posted in a long time. Dan and I just got back from a couples' workshop, so that's got me thinking about all kinds of issues. This was our first time away together without children, two nights. Here is what happened when we got home:
The children both greeted us enthusiastically and joyfully. Hazel wanted all my attention for the first hour or more. After dinner, we called Family Meeting. When she arrived, she wanted to be Chairperson, but this week was Toby's turn. She refused to take any of the other 3 jobs available and began screaming. The rest of us went into another room and shut the door. She continued to scream outside the door.
Here I will insert a little background information - a couple of weeks ago, she got some bug bites that were really bothering her. Over the next couple of days, we went through a variety of remedies to help her, including itch cream, ice packs, Ace bandages, popcorn (not to eat, but to apply to the bug bite!), bandaids. I guess she realized that her complaints got her a lot of attention, because she started shrieking about her leg pain (=itchy bites) any time she was not happy about something. I say no to ice cream for breakfast? Her legs suddenly hurt unbearably. Etcetera. I wanted to attend to her discomfort and express caring, but not to reinforce that behavior as a control strategy. It had gotten to the point that if she began shrieking immediately after being thwarted in some desire, I would just walk away.
So... the screaming outside the door of Family Meeting quickly became calls for Mommy to help her with her legs hurting. When she came into the meeting room, Dan went out and put one bandaid on her and told her she needed to wait until after the meeting, then we would help her more. She continued to howl but did not come into the room where we were. We were able to finish the meeting.
As soon as the meeting was over, Dan and I both went to her. She had stopped yelling and was in fact sneaking extra dessert. As soon as we came into the room, she started crying and thrashing around, kicking her legs and saying, "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch, ouch, ouch!!!" We sat quietly near her on the floor as she continued to have this kicking tantrum for around 45 minutes with no decrease in volume. We just sat there with her, and I occasionally put my hand on her back. Sometimes she accepted it and sometimes she squirmed away. She never asked us to do anything for her leg pain, and we didn't offer. Eventually, very gradually, she nudged into the crook of my arm so I could put my arm around her. Still screaming, crying, and kicking, she slowly squirmed onto my lap. She let me put my arms around her but continued in the same vein. Again, after a long time, she slowly began losing steam. One yell would be a little weaker, then a bunch of loud ones, then another weaker one. She soon began nodding off and then fell completely asleep.
While PonT wouldn't support our keeping vigil with her during her tantrum, I felt that this was good for her tonight. She needed to reconnect after our time away, was obviously exhausted and having a tough time coping. We gave her space to express her unhappiness and remained unconditionally accepting. I let her decide when and how to come to me, and received her lovingly even though she was still in her tantrum. Because this was all non-verbal and we maintained a neutral, passive attitude, I didn't feel like we were indulging her or reinforcing the behavior.
After a whole weekend of listening to adults talk about how what they didn't get from their parents has impacted how they can relate in their partner relationships, I am ever more mindful of trying to meet my children's needs. Not to satisfy their every whim, but to help them feel valued and heard, capable and respected. Tricky.
The children both greeted us enthusiastically and joyfully. Hazel wanted all my attention for the first hour or more. After dinner, we called Family Meeting. When she arrived, she wanted to be Chairperson, but this week was Toby's turn. She refused to take any of the other 3 jobs available and began screaming. The rest of us went into another room and shut the door. She continued to scream outside the door.
Here I will insert a little background information - a couple of weeks ago, she got some bug bites that were really bothering her. Over the next couple of days, we went through a variety of remedies to help her, including itch cream, ice packs, Ace bandages, popcorn (not to eat, but to apply to the bug bite!), bandaids. I guess she realized that her complaints got her a lot of attention, because she started shrieking about her leg pain (=itchy bites) any time she was not happy about something. I say no to ice cream for breakfast? Her legs suddenly hurt unbearably. Etcetera. I wanted to attend to her discomfort and express caring, but not to reinforce that behavior as a control strategy. It had gotten to the point that if she began shrieking immediately after being thwarted in some desire, I would just walk away.
So... the screaming outside the door of Family Meeting quickly became calls for Mommy to help her with her legs hurting. When she came into the meeting room, Dan went out and put one bandaid on her and told her she needed to wait until after the meeting, then we would help her more. She continued to howl but did not come into the room where we were. We were able to finish the meeting.
As soon as the meeting was over, Dan and I both went to her. She had stopped yelling and was in fact sneaking extra dessert. As soon as we came into the room, she started crying and thrashing around, kicking her legs and saying, "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch, ouch, ouch!!!" We sat quietly near her on the floor as she continued to have this kicking tantrum for around 45 minutes with no decrease in volume. We just sat there with her, and I occasionally put my hand on her back. Sometimes she accepted it and sometimes she squirmed away. She never asked us to do anything for her leg pain, and we didn't offer. Eventually, very gradually, she nudged into the crook of my arm so I could put my arm around her. Still screaming, crying, and kicking, she slowly squirmed onto my lap. She let me put my arms around her but continued in the same vein. Again, after a long time, she slowly began losing steam. One yell would be a little weaker, then a bunch of loud ones, then another weaker one. She soon began nodding off and then fell completely asleep.
While PonT wouldn't support our keeping vigil with her during her tantrum, I felt that this was good for her tonight. She needed to reconnect after our time away, was obviously exhausted and having a tough time coping. We gave her space to express her unhappiness and remained unconditionally accepting. I let her decide when and how to come to me, and received her lovingly even though she was still in her tantrum. Because this was all non-verbal and we maintained a neutral, passive attitude, I didn't feel like we were indulging her or reinforcing the behavior.
After a whole weekend of listening to adults talk about how what they didn't get from their parents has impacted how they can relate in their partner relationships, I am ever more mindful of trying to meet my children's needs. Not to satisfy their every whim, but to help them feel valued and heard, capable and respected. Tricky.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Homework
I wanted to make this a separate post because it's a totally different topic. Over the past 3 weeks, Toby has started to slack off on school work. One assignment was handed in late, the next one remained unfinished on the kitchen counter for a week past its due date and then disappeared. A project was never completed. Homework sheets were abandoned on the kitchen floor. I was starting to get really concerned but wasn't sure what to do, especially since we were smack in the middle of DNSN. But today I addressed it.
I asked Toby what had ever happened with the project. He said he wasn't sure, that he couldn't do it because I forgot to take him somewhere. I asked if that meant he had not handed anything in, and he admitted that he had not. I asked if he had discussed it with his teacher, and he said no. I said that I had noticed that there had been a few homework assignments that he hadn't done, and asked what he thought about it. Didn't know. I asked if there was anything going on at school that was making it hard for him to do his work, or anything bothering him, and he said he didn't think so. He was starting to get upset and teary. I told him that I wasn't angry and he wasn't in trouble, but rather that I was concerned about him not meeting his school responsibilities. I also told him that I wanted him to know that I try to stay out of his school business because I think it's important for him to learn how to manage his own responsibilities - but that doesn't mean that I'm ignoring it. I am paying attention and I care. I told him that his dad and I are always available to help him work out any problems he might be having, and if he doesn't want to talk to us, there are other adults at school he can turn to. And then I stopped talking.
I did not make him do the old work. I did not make him talk to his teacher. I did not punish him or institute new rules about homework before privileges. What I did was to offer support and demonstrate concern and attention. I suggested that we address this situation the same way we are approaching nutrition - leave it up to him unless things seem to be getting out of control, at which time we could do some problem-solving together. He agreed to this and we were soon playing and laughing together. I felt pretty positive about the interaction and how I handled it, but now I want to see what he does. I wondered if this was a sort of test to see if anyone would notice. It was tough to hold myself back from all the things you think you're supposed to do in a situation like that, discipline, policing, etc. Now I watch my child and learn more about him.
I asked Toby what had ever happened with the project. He said he wasn't sure, that he couldn't do it because I forgot to take him somewhere. I asked if that meant he had not handed anything in, and he admitted that he had not. I asked if he had discussed it with his teacher, and he said no. I said that I had noticed that there had been a few homework assignments that he hadn't done, and asked what he thought about it. Didn't know. I asked if there was anything going on at school that was making it hard for him to do his work, or anything bothering him, and he said he didn't think so. He was starting to get upset and teary. I told him that I wasn't angry and he wasn't in trouble, but rather that I was concerned about him not meeting his school responsibilities. I also told him that I wanted him to know that I try to stay out of his school business because I think it's important for him to learn how to manage his own responsibilities - but that doesn't mean that I'm ignoring it. I am paying attention and I care. I told him that his dad and I are always available to help him work out any problems he might be having, and if he doesn't want to talk to us, there are other adults at school he can turn to. And then I stopped talking.
I did not make him do the old work. I did not make him talk to his teacher. I did not punish him or institute new rules about homework before privileges. What I did was to offer support and demonstrate concern and attention. I suggested that we address this situation the same way we are approaching nutrition - leave it up to him unless things seem to be getting out of control, at which time we could do some problem-solving together. He agreed to this and we were soon playing and laughing together. I felt pretty positive about the interaction and how I handled it, but now I want to see what he does. I wondered if this was a sort of test to see if anyone would notice. It was tough to hold myself back from all the things you think you're supposed to do in a situation like that, discipline, policing, etc. Now I watch my child and learn more about him.
Clean-up day
I wrote a nice, juicy post yesterday about the week as a whole and my final analysis, but the computer ate it. Here's the wrap-up, hopefully I'll recreate the analysis part afterwards.
Today the children wanted to go to the local amusement park. I told them we needed to do a big part of the clean-up first, then I would take them. I gave them each an empty laundry basket, and the first game was for each child to go through the house and collect all their own clothes that they found - whoever had fewer clothes in their basket at the end was the winner, but if I found any article of clothing left around the house, that person would be disqualified. They eagerly ran around, gathering their items. Hazel had fewer clothes in her basket, but neither won because they both had overlooked a few things. Then we carried the baskets to the laundry room together, and they put everything in the washer.
For the second game, each child got a plastic bag. They were sent to collect any pieces of food that they could find left out, and whoever had more in their bag at the end was the winner. Toby won that one with 8 1/2 ounces, compared to Hazel's six.
The third game brought back the laundry baskets. Each child was told to gather up any of their own possessions they found lying around the house, as well as any mess that they had made. Both baskets came back quite full! Both children were declared winners of round 3 - but to be eligible to receive their prize, every item in the baskets needed to be put away in its proper place.
We spent about 45 minutes and cleaned up about 90% of the mess. The prizes consisted of the trip to the amusement park and an increase in the amount of spending money they got for the day there. We also held hands and did a few victory jumps together. A positive grand finale for everyone.
The major points of learning from this week:
- Hazel is still too young to get much out of this exercise - very little sense of consequence
- Toby was nearly perfect with dental care on his own
- both children got themselves to bed at a reasonable time almost every night
- both children continued to eat a variety of healthy foods
- neither child ate sweets to excess (they barely seemed to eat any more than I would have allowed anyway)
- they both enjoyed more screen time than is normally allowed but also continued to participate in other activities like outside time and reading
- neither child performed ANY contributions the entire week
So we agreed as a family to suspend food and dessert rules and evaluate in one month. This is huge for me, as surrendering control over nutrition was unthinkable before. And I will stop interfering in Toby's oral hygeine. Screen time agreements are still in effect, but next time around I think I'll be ready to let go of that completely and see where it takes us.
I got a lot out of this week, I think it really moved us forward.
Today the children wanted to go to the local amusement park. I told them we needed to do a big part of the clean-up first, then I would take them. I gave them each an empty laundry basket, and the first game was for each child to go through the house and collect all their own clothes that they found - whoever had fewer clothes in their basket at the end was the winner, but if I found any article of clothing left around the house, that person would be disqualified. They eagerly ran around, gathering their items. Hazel had fewer clothes in her basket, but neither won because they both had overlooked a few things. Then we carried the baskets to the laundry room together, and they put everything in the washer.
For the second game, each child got a plastic bag. They were sent to collect any pieces of food that they could find left out, and whoever had more in their bag at the end was the winner. Toby won that one with 8 1/2 ounces, compared to Hazel's six.
The third game brought back the laundry baskets. Each child was told to gather up any of their own possessions they found lying around the house, as well as any mess that they had made. Both baskets came back quite full! Both children were declared winners of round 3 - but to be eligible to receive their prize, every item in the baskets needed to be put away in its proper place.
We spent about 45 minutes and cleaned up about 90% of the mess. The prizes consisted of the trip to the amusement park and an increase in the amount of spending money they got for the day there. We also held hands and did a few victory jumps together. A positive grand finale for everyone.
The major points of learning from this week:
- Hazel is still too young to get much out of this exercise - very little sense of consequence
- Toby was nearly perfect with dental care on his own
- both children got themselves to bed at a reasonable time almost every night
- both children continued to eat a variety of healthy foods
- neither child ate sweets to excess (they barely seemed to eat any more than I would have allowed anyway)
- they both enjoyed more screen time than is normally allowed but also continued to participate in other activities like outside time and reading
- neither child performed ANY contributions the entire week
So we agreed as a family to suspend food and dessert rules and evaluate in one month. This is huge for me, as surrendering control over nutrition was unthinkable before. And I will stop interfering in Toby's oral hygeine. Screen time agreements are still in effect, but next time around I think I'll be ready to let go of that completely and see where it takes us.
I got a lot out of this week, I think it really moved us forward.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Day 3
These are my biggest issues with DNSN this time around:
1. Toby's oral hygeine due to brand-new retainer
2. Hazel toileting independently
3. Hazel's pacifier access (usually they are put out of reach during the day)
Those are the areas where I am really struggling to balance DNSN with the survival of Toby's teeth and our furniture, and avoiding serious regression in the pacifier weaning. The house is starting to look really disastrous, stuff spread all over the floor in nearly every room, including bread crusts and spilled bags of cookies. We are running out of food because grocery shopping is Toby's contribution for the month, and he hasn't mentioned anything about us going.
Here are some of the things my children handled on their own with no parental interference:
TOBY (7)
- brushed his teeth 3 times in the past 24 hours
- wore his retainer whenever he wasn't eating or brushing
- got up on time and out to the bus on time
- packed and remembered his lunch and backpack
- spent time reading
- got ready for bed and went to sleep at the usual time
HAZEL (3)
- used the potty several times
- wiped herself for pee
- washed her hands afterwards
- closed the car door after getting out
- dressed herself once
- put on her shoes
- took off her shoes when entering the house
They are both enjoying the absence of parental restrictions on screentime and dessert, but neither are overindulging too outrageously. I am actually shocked at how little extra dessert they have had - good for me to see, that is an area where I have a lot of difficulty surrendering control. Both children have continued to eat fairly healthy diets.
This go-round may teach me more than anyone else.
1. Toby's oral hygeine due to brand-new retainer
2. Hazel toileting independently
3. Hazel's pacifier access (usually they are put out of reach during the day)
Those are the areas where I am really struggling to balance DNSN with the survival of Toby's teeth and our furniture, and avoiding serious regression in the pacifier weaning. The house is starting to look really disastrous, stuff spread all over the floor in nearly every room, including bread crusts and spilled bags of cookies. We are running out of food because grocery shopping is Toby's contribution for the month, and he hasn't mentioned anything about us going.
Here are some of the things my children handled on their own with no parental interference:
TOBY (7)
- brushed his teeth 3 times in the past 24 hours
- wore his retainer whenever he wasn't eating or brushing
- got up on time and out to the bus on time
- packed and remembered his lunch and backpack
- spent time reading
- got ready for bed and went to sleep at the usual time
HAZEL (3)
- used the potty several times
- wiped herself for pee
- washed her hands afterwards
- closed the car door after getting out
- dressed herself once
- put on her shoes
- took off her shoes when entering the house
They are both enjoying the absence of parental restrictions on screentime and dessert, but neither are overindulging too outrageously. I am actually shocked at how little extra dessert they have had - good for me to see, that is an area where I have a lot of difficulty surrendering control. Both children have continued to eat fairly healthy diets.
This go-round may teach me more than anyone else.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Day 2
Neither child brushed their teeth this morning - Toby forgot and Hazel refused. I restrained myself from witholding dessert (brushing is a dessert responsibility) and left it up to them - Hazel camped out in front of the laptop with a bag of cookies. Toby announced, "I'm going to do computer. I'm not asking because it's Do Nothing, Say Nothing week." He did go to school and do his homework. They both brushed last night. They both ate dinner. Hazel nearly came to my La Leche League meeting in a pajama top and nothing else. She dumped some poopy pee water out of her little potty on her way to pour it into the toilet.
But all is well. The only time I have raised my voice was in alarm when Hazel almost whacked a baby in the head with a doll stroller, by accident. So far, so good. House getting progressively messier, but still no perishable food left out to spoil. Love my kids!
But all is well. The only time I have raised my voice was in alarm when Hazel almost whacked a baby in the head with a doll stroller, by accident. So far, so good. House getting progressively messier, but still no perishable food left out to spoil. Love my kids!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
DNSN Again!
Urged on by the amount of yelling I was doing, today we started another Do Nothing, Say Nothing week, the first since a few days last summer. My immediate feeling after discussing it at Family Meeting was - freedom! I don't want to do anything, for anybody. But I will try to keep in mind that the purpose is not for me to have a vacation, but to see what the kids can or will do for themselves if we're not doing it for them - and how they will manage themselves if we're not doing that for them. So far today Toby skipped toothbrushing, asked permission for dessert and computer, and asked for help making his lunch. Hazel has been naked for the past 7 hours - except after she fell asleep I put a diaper on her because I just wasn't up to the whole inevitable laundry or sleep-in-pee quandry that would follow. We have a few little messes around but nothing perishable so far. My hope for this week is for the children to discover new things they can do themselves, amd for me to regain some tolerance for less control and more chaos.
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