Giving thanks

Today I helped in Toby's classroom with a Thanksgiving project. Toby stepped away from his project several times to come kiss or hug me. I suppose it could just be his personality, or our family style - but it could also have something to do with Vicki's story about other mothers asking her how she and her children appeared to actually like each other. I didn't notice any other parents getting kisses in class. For this in my life I am thankful!

Make and serve him breakfast?

So - I had resigned from making or even suggesting breakfasts for Toby, some time ago. Sometimes he ate, sometimes not, I kept quiet. I found a microwave oatmeal he really liked and could make himself, and then he was eating breakfast very consistently for awhile. We had the opportunity to have a conversation about how he feels different in his body at school when he eats in the morning vs. not. But eventually the allure of the new oatmeal waned and he went back to once or twice a week having no breakfast at all. I was dealing with it okay.

Yesterday he had his annual doctor visit, and his weight is in the first percentile (99% of kids his age weigh more) and his height is in the 4th. The doctor was very disturbed about the breakfast thing and really insisted that he eat something before school, and that I make sure it happens. There are more details but I guess this is sliding into the "morally or physically dangerous" area in which we are supposed to intervene. Although we do know several other families in which the kids were tiny and the parents were tormented by the pediatricians - all children of physicians, and all kids who eat a variety of healthy foods. Anyway, I feel frustrated because I know Toby is perfectly capable of bringing a baggie of Cheerios to school to eat, vs. buying a box of Cheerios at school. He likes to use his allowance to buy breakfast at school, and as long as he has the money, he buys it and eats it. But I am not willing to finance this as it costs one TENTH to eat the same foods from home.

I am going to spend a couple of weeks preparing and serving him simple breakfasts, which he can eat at home or take with him. Then I am going to work on gradually having him take over the items one at a time, so he is still eating from home but he is taking care of it himself. Did I surrender that to him too early? The doctor said it is unusual for kids to not want to eat in the morning, when they aren't eating breakfast it is most often because there is no food in the house - but I know from other PonT blogs that plenty of these kids will leave the house without eating if left to their own devices. The difference is, I'm sure, are the kids being presented with something tasty and appealing in front of them, ready to eat with no effort on their part? I would eat every day if someone was doing that for me.

Finding the balance...

Quick update

Things have been running along fairly smoothly here. Screamfests seem to have (knock wood!) died down quite a bit. They are so much less frequent and they are brief. It is a miracle! I really don't know what did it - I spent months leaving the room and closing the door, weeks taking away dessert, and finally sort of decided to just back off?? Everything is just plugging along - we started a different Contributions organization a month or so ago and that's working pretty well. There are two piles of tongue depressor sticks, one with daily jobs and one with as-needed jobs, and we each pick two of each type. The sticks have magnets on the back and everything goes on a magnetic white board, four jobs under each person's name, displayed in the kitchen. The kids are not doing too much on their own initiative but they do a lot with "Yes, As Soon As." Dan has been pretty content with the new arrangement. There is opportunity for trading sticks in the meeting, one of each type. We have had one week of each child planning the dinners! Very entertaining - I prompt for multiple food groups and they pick items to round out the meals. During Toby's week we had pasta three nights out of four.

Lots of different specific situations have come up that seemed interesting enough for the blog, relevant enough in regards to PonT, but I didn't get to it. Here is today's:

We have been planning to cancel our TV service, which we started a month or so ago in connection with getting faster internet service (which was the real goal, but couldn't be accessed without also purchasing the TV). Now that the internet is established, we can cancel the TV and keep the fast internet. I was going to do it today, and before I got to it, Toby announced that there is going to be an AWESOME SpongeBob special on November 11th. The kids knew that our TV service was temporary and was going to be cancelled soon. I told him that I had been planning to do it today, but perhaps we could figure out a compromise. I offered to calculate how much the TV cost per day, then the total for keeping it 9 extra days, and split that evenly with him. If it was worth that amount of money to him to keep the TV long enough to watch this show, then I would be willing to pay half. I asked if that sounded fair, and he agreed. When he found out it would only cost him $5, he was thrilled and thought he got a great deal.

Groceries

I have been trying to figure out how to train Toby to grocery shop. Previously, when he picked that as his contribution, I would bring him with me and ask him questions about how to find things in the store as we went through. I always ended up feeling impatient, annoyed, rushed, and angry - and I'm sure he didn't get much out of it. So I realized that trying to bring him into the major weekly shop for the family is too pressured and overwhelming, for both of us. Today I did a big shop just with Hazel, and left about 10 items from the list. When Toby came home from school, we went to the store and I gave him the list. We had lots of time and my primary objective was to support his learning. I followed him around the store as he looked for the items on the list, and when he saw additional things he wanted, we decided whether he would buy them himself or if they would be part of the family purchase. I said I would be happy to pay for anything marginally healthy, that we don't already have a bunch of at home. We went halvsies on a chocolate cake (his idea). Things went well (although very, very slowly) until Hazel started crying about something - I think maybe Toby gave her a little shove. He lost it, as usual, so there we are in the store with a screamfest in progress. I told them we had to leave, and he started screaming that he needed to buy some more things. I managed to calm Hazel (who had not napped and got a very painful flu shot this morning) and then we were able to get our last two items. We celebrated a successful shop in the car on the way home. Later I explained that if an adult started screaming in the store, security would escort them out, and so if they do that, we also need to leave immediately - it is too disruptive to other shoppers. I think he got a lot more out of this trip than any other grocery shopping trip, the scaled-down goal was a big improvement. Today's experience taught me to limit his list to things I can do without, so if we have to abandon our groceries, it's fine with me. Create a situation in which success is achievable, and focus on the goal (the learning, not the ingredients!).

Improvements

I have to admit, since I let go about clean clothes, bathing, picking up clothes off the floor, and bed-making, I am less of a crazy bitch. Toby has been great about our Monday evening bath agreement, no resistance at all and totally independent except for our tricky broken shower door. Lots of dirty clothes but I think he has worn 3 different shirts to school each week, so not horrible (underwear, um...). I have been scooping up his dirty clothes during the two times a week that he reliably takes them off - bath night Monday and swim lesson Thursday - so he is getting into the routine of not putting dirty clothes back on (he resisted this at first!). Soon I will gradually hand that over to him. Dessert has been a hot issue and very confusing, also playdates - so I need to back off of both of those too. Thinking a lot about appreciations for spouse...

Before and After

I finally let go and allowed Hazel to make her own choice. Did you ever see such a glowing smile? DONE - with fighting and struggles over conditioner, brushing, combing, braiding, putting it up or back. She is so happy - with her hair, and that I listened to what she really wanted.

Money-money-money!

Right now I am sitting in the car with Hazel while she sleeps, and Toby is inside at a birthday party. Here is the story of the birthday present:

When Toby turned seven and his allowance went up, one new expense that he was told would now be his responsibility, was buying gifts. He has had a big wad of cash in his wallet for ages, and has traded in piles of $1 bills for fives and tens. So the idea that he might not have enough for a gift wasn't really a concern.

His school's book fair happened this week. The way they increase their revenue is by sending the kids in during school time, and having them create a wish list to bring home - for parents to use as a shopping list when we go in for Open House. When Toby showed me his list, I asked if he wanted any help figuring how much money he needed to bring to school, to buy what he wanted. I am thrilled that he wants books, and don't want to discourage it in any way - but library and used books are my preference for sure. I expect him to discover this himself after spending lots of money on new books over the years. Ultimately, he spent about $25 and has been totally absorbed in the books since then. Great experience! Except...

How much did he have left to buy the gift for this party? Complicating the situation is the fact that this friend is the child of a colleague of Dan's. Dan approached me early in the week, basically expressing that allowing Toby to go to the party without an appropriate or possibly any gift, was unacceptable to him. I see it as a personal prestige issue, he sees it as limits of acceptable social behavior, and as unfair to the birthday child and his family. I told Dan to handle it with Toby however he wanted.

Dan reminded him of the party and asked what he wanted to do about a gift. Toby chose a store to go to, and this morning we went. I really wanted to be the one to take him, because I was worried how Dan would handle it if Toby didn't have enough money, or chose something Dan felt wasn't good enough.

Toby did not know how much money he had, but he brought a bank full of change in addition to his wallet. He wanted to get some sort of Lego set. We looked at the various packages, which ranged in price from $8 to $50. The $8 toy really looked tiny. However, he chose that and decided he wanted to give it with something else. Most things he looked at were $15, $20, or more. His final choice was to get two smaller things instead of one larger. It would be a small gift but not ridiculously inappropriate. He made the purchase on his own (while I was in the bathroom!). The only input I gave was to point out the age recommendations on the packages - he likes toys meant for younger kids, and was buying for an older kid. To give him some frame of reference, I told him that most of the gifts he got at his party probably cost between $15 and $25. He replied, "Yeah, but none of those kids had to buy them themselves!"

After the party -
During present-opening, we heard Toby yell out, "I was gonna get that for you, but it was, like, fifteen dollars!" Dan was slightly mortified. This led to another conversation about how my using PonT methods as learning experiences for our children negatively impacts other people. The gift inequity ($5-$10?) he sees as unfair to the birthday child and as potential for our child to get a reputation as a bad gift-giver. I think gift-choosing and -buying is something everyone has to learn and like most things, actually has less impact on other people and our kids if done earlier rather than later in life. Having to part with his own money to give toys to his friends will help him better appreciate the gifts that he receives. And maybe we can use these experiences to instill the value of generous intention over tangible objects - "it's the thought that counts." To decrease materialism and consumerism. Too lofty, high and mighty? And not fair to other children whose parents bought more expensive gifts for ours? Really, I think all these kids have way more junk than is even good for them. Many of my friends encourage other parents to help their kids recycle a used toy into a gift for their own child. I guess the questions are (1) is it really so rude to give a cheaper gift to a kid in a family that does not share these values, and (2) do we as parents have to be involved in any of this?

My feeling was that the message that was being sent was: to be a good friend, or to be socially accepted, you have to give a gift that costs as much as the ones you have received. When I asked Dan if this is what he believes, his response was, "I don't want to be cheap." But it isn't him, it's Toby. That sounds like a personal prestige issue to me. Teaching our kids about the taboos around money in our culture is very complicated.