Tantrum

Haven't posted in a long time. Dan and I just got back from a couples' workshop, so that's got me thinking about all kinds of issues. This was our first time away together without children, two nights. Here is what happened when we got home:

The children both greeted us enthusiastically and joyfully. Hazel wanted all my attention for the first hour or more. After dinner, we called Family Meeting. When she arrived, she wanted to be Chairperson, but this week was Toby's turn. She refused to take any of the other 3 jobs available and began screaming. The rest of us went into another room and shut the door. She continued to scream outside the door.

Here I will insert a little background information - a couple of weeks ago, she got some bug bites that were really bothering her. Over the next couple of days, we went through a variety of remedies to help her, including itch cream, ice packs, Ace bandages, popcorn (not to eat, but to apply to the bug bite!), bandaids. I guess she realized that her complaints got her a lot of attention, because she started shrieking about her leg pain (=itchy bites) any time she was not happy about something. I say no to ice cream for breakfast? Her legs suddenly hurt unbearably. Etcetera. I wanted to attend to her discomfort and express caring, but not to reinforce that behavior as a control strategy. It had gotten to the point that if she began shrieking immediately after being thwarted in some desire, I would just walk away.

So... the screaming outside the door of Family Meeting quickly became calls for Mommy to help her with her legs hurting. When she came into the meeting room, Dan went out and put one bandaid on her and told her she needed to wait until after the meeting, then we would help her more. She continued to howl but did not come into the room where we were. We were able to finish the meeting.

As soon as the meeting was over, Dan and I both went to her. She had stopped yelling and was in fact sneaking extra dessert. As soon as we came into the room, she started crying and thrashing around, kicking her legs and saying, "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch, ouch, ouch!!!" We sat quietly near her on the floor as she continued to have this kicking tantrum for around 45 minutes with no decrease in volume. We just sat there with her, and I occasionally put my hand on her back. Sometimes she accepted it and sometimes she squirmed away. She never asked us to do anything for her leg pain, and we didn't offer. Eventually, very gradually, she nudged into the crook of my arm so I could put my arm around her. Still screaming, crying, and kicking, she slowly squirmed onto my lap. She let me put my arms around her but continued in the same vein. Again, after a long time, she slowly began losing steam. One yell would be a little weaker, then a bunch of loud ones, then another weaker one. She soon began nodding off and then fell completely asleep.

While PonT wouldn't support our keeping vigil with her during her tantrum, I felt that this was good for her tonight. She needed to reconnect after our time away, was obviously exhausted and having a tough time coping. We gave her space to express her unhappiness and remained unconditionally accepting. I let her decide when and how to come to me, and received her lovingly even though she was still in her tantrum. Because this was all non-verbal and we maintained a neutral, passive attitude, I didn't feel like we were indulging her or reinforcing the behavior.

After a whole weekend of listening to adults talk about how what they didn't get from their parents has impacted how they can relate in their partner relationships, I am ever more mindful of trying to meet my children's needs. Not to satisfy their every whim, but to help them feel valued and heard, capable and respected. Tricky.

Homework

I wanted to make this a separate post because it's a totally different topic. Over the past 3 weeks, Toby has started to slack off on school work. One assignment was handed in late, the next one remained unfinished on the kitchen counter for a week past its due date and then disappeared. A project was never completed. Homework sheets were abandoned on the kitchen floor. I was starting to get really concerned but wasn't sure what to do, especially since we were smack in the middle of DNSN. But today I addressed it.

I asked Toby what had ever happened with the project. He said he wasn't sure, that he couldn't do it because I forgot to take him somewhere. I asked if that meant he had not handed anything in, and he admitted that he had not. I asked if he had discussed it with his teacher, and he said no. I said that I had noticed that there had been a few homework assignments that he hadn't done, and asked what he thought about it. Didn't know. I asked if there was anything going on at school that was making it hard for him to do his work, or anything bothering him, and he said he didn't think so. He was starting to get upset and teary. I told him that I wasn't angry and he wasn't in trouble, but rather that I was concerned about him not meeting his school responsibilities. I also told him that I wanted him to know that I try to stay out of his school business because I think it's important for him to learn how to manage his own responsibilities - but that doesn't mean that I'm ignoring it. I am paying attention and I care. I told him that his dad and I are always available to help him work out any problems he might be having, and if he doesn't want to talk to us, there are other adults at school he can turn to. And then I stopped talking.

I did not make him do the old work. I did not make him talk to his teacher. I did not punish him or institute new rules about homework before privileges. What I did was to offer support and demonstrate concern and attention. I suggested that we address this situation the same way we are approaching nutrition - leave it up to him unless things seem to be getting out of control, at which time we could do some problem-solving together. He agreed to this and we were soon playing and laughing together. I felt pretty positive about the interaction and how I handled it, but now I want to see what he does. I wondered if this was a sort of test to see if anyone would notice. It was tough to hold myself back from all the things you think you're supposed to do in a situation like that, discipline, policing, etc. Now I watch my child and learn more about him.

Clean-up day

I wrote a nice, juicy post yesterday about the week as a whole and my final analysis, but the computer ate it. Here's the wrap-up, hopefully I'll recreate the analysis part afterwards.

Today the children wanted to go to the local amusement park. I told them we needed to do a big part of the clean-up first, then I would take them. I gave them each an empty laundry basket, and the first game was for each child to go through the house and collect all their own clothes that they found - whoever had fewer clothes in their basket at the end was the winner, but if I found any article of clothing left around the house, that person would be disqualified. They eagerly ran around, gathering their items. Hazel had fewer clothes in her basket, but neither won because they both had overlooked a few things. Then we carried the baskets to the laundry room together, and they put everything in the washer.

For the second game, each child got a plastic bag. They were sent to collect any pieces of food that they could find left out, and whoever had more in their bag at the end was the winner. Toby won that one with 8 1/2 ounces, compared to Hazel's six.

The third game brought back the laundry baskets. Each child was told to gather up any of their own possessions they found lying around the house, as well as any mess that they had made. Both baskets came back quite full! Both children were declared winners of round 3 - but to be eligible to receive their prize, every item in the baskets needed to be put away in its proper place.

We spent about 45 minutes and cleaned up about 90% of the mess. The prizes consisted of the trip to the amusement park and an increase in the amount of spending money they got for the day there. We also held hands and did a few victory jumps together. A positive grand finale for everyone.

The major points of learning from this week:

- Hazel is still too young to get much out of this exercise - very little sense of consequence
- Toby was nearly perfect with dental care on his own
- both children got themselves to bed at a reasonable time almost every night
- both children continued to eat a variety of healthy foods
- neither child ate sweets to excess (they barely seemed to eat any more than I would have allowed anyway)
- they both enjoyed more screen time than is normally allowed but also continued to participate in other activities like outside time and reading
- neither child performed ANY contributions the entire week

So we agreed as a family to suspend food and dessert rules and evaluate in one month. This is huge for me, as surrendering control over nutrition was unthinkable before. And I will stop interfering in Toby's oral hygeine. Screen time agreements are still in effect, but next time around I think I'll be ready to let go of that completely and see where it takes us.

I got a lot out of this week, I think it really moved us forward.

Day 3

These are my biggest issues with DNSN this time around:

1. Toby's oral hygeine due to brand-new retainer
2. Hazel toileting independently
3. Hazel's pacifier access (usually they are put out of reach during the day)

Those are the areas where I am really struggling to balance DNSN with the survival of Toby's teeth and our furniture, and avoiding serious regression in the pacifier weaning. The house is starting to look really disastrous, stuff spread all over the floor in nearly every room, including bread crusts and spilled bags of cookies. We are running out of food because grocery shopping is Toby's contribution for the month, and he hasn't mentioned anything about us going.

Here are some of the things my children handled on their own with no parental interference:

TOBY (7)
- brushed his teeth 3 times in the past 24 hours
- wore his retainer whenever he wasn't eating or brushing
- got up on time and out to the bus on time
- packed and remembered his lunch and backpack
- spent time reading
- got ready for bed and went to sleep at the usual time

HAZEL (3)
- used the potty several times
- wiped herself for pee
- washed her hands afterwards
- closed the car door after getting out
- dressed herself once
- put on her shoes
- took off her shoes when entering the house

They are both enjoying the absence of parental restrictions on screentime and dessert, but neither are overindulging too outrageously. I am actually shocked at how little extra dessert they have had - good for me to see, that is an area where I have a lot of difficulty surrendering control. Both children have continued to eat fairly healthy diets.

This go-round may teach me more than anyone else.

Day 2

Neither child brushed their teeth this morning - Toby forgot and Hazel refused. I restrained myself from witholding dessert (brushing is a dessert responsibility) and left it up to them - Hazel camped out in front of the laptop with a bag of cookies. Toby announced, "I'm going to do computer. I'm not asking because it's Do Nothing, Say Nothing week." He did go to school and do his homework. They both brushed last night. They both ate dinner. Hazel nearly came to my La Leche League meeting in a pajama top and nothing else. She dumped some poopy pee water out of her little potty on her way to pour it into the toilet.

But all is well. The only time I have raised my voice was in alarm when Hazel almost whacked a baby in the head with a doll stroller, by accident. So far, so good. House getting progressively messier, but still no perishable food left out to spoil. Love my kids!

DNSN Again!

Urged on by the amount of yelling I was doing, today we started another Do Nothing, Say Nothing week, the first since a few days last summer. My immediate feeling after discussing it at Family Meeting was - freedom! I don't want to do anything, for anybody. But I will try to keep in mind that the purpose is not for me to have a vacation, but to see what the kids can or will do for themselves if we're not doing it for them - and how they will manage themselves if we're not doing that for them. So far today Toby skipped toothbrushing, asked permission for dessert and computer, and asked for help making his lunch. Hazel has been naked for the past 7 hours - except after she fell asleep I put a diaper on her because I just wasn't up to the whole inevitable laundry or sleep-in-pee quandry that would follow. We have a few little messes around but nothing perishable so far. My hope for this week is for the children to discover new things they can do themselves, amd for me to regain some tolerance for less control and more chaos.

Other people's children

I have been trying to pay more attention lately to getting back to PonT strategies. One that I have used pretty consistently is to get out of the car when the kids are screaming or fighting or pretend-crying. I let them know that it is not safe for me to drive with that going on in the car, and they should tap on the window when they are done and ready to go. It usually works pretty quickly to calm things down, or else they get a good vent without my having to listen to it. I can't remember a situation where I was so urgent to get somewhere that I couldn't follow through with this technique.

Hazel sometimes spends a good long time yelling by herself in the car. If I let her know that *now* is when we have to go if she doesn't want to miss her class or gymnastics or whatever, then she can stop right away. But she can be pretty stubborn.

On Wednesdays I bring Hazel to a friend's house in the morning, while I go to Zumba. The friend's grandma watches the girls, then I come back and we all have lunch, then I take the girls to gymnastics class. Today the girls decided they both wanted to sit in the carseat that has pockets on the sides. The friend sat in it and Hazel refused to get in the other one. There was some crying, and I offered to teach them scissors/paper/rock so they could figure out who gets to sit in that carseat first (I did declare that they would switch for the ride back). Hazel was not interested in that, so I said I would wait outside while they figured it out. I got out and shut the door. Then the grandma came out on her way to the store.

It must have looked odd. I explained that they both wanted to sit in the same seat, and I was letting them sort it out. Before she drove away, she asked me if her granddaughter was crying. No, she was fine, but Hazel was still sitting between the front seats. After a few more minutes, I stuck my head in and said it was time to go if they wanted to get to gymnastics on time. I said when I saw two girls in seats, I would buckle them and we could go. Hazel then got into a seat and, to their delight, I taught them the game, which they played during the whole car ride. Everyone happy! We were on time! Worked out beautifully and no one was upset (especially me).

I have never applied PonT to other people's children before. I know from experience that the grandma insists on her granddaughter wearing her raincoat and things like that. After the class, the girl refused to put her pants back on. Now, that would be fine with me - after all, we're only getting into and out of the car - but I knew the grandma wouldn't like it if I brought her back with naked legs in the chilly rain. I decided that I wouldn't let felt judgement push me into a conflict with this little girl over something silly. Luckily, a bit later, I just held out her pants and she got into them while she was paying attention to something else. Problem solved.

It felt like a big success to me to avoid two rabbit holes in the space of an hour - and when people from "the outside world" are involved, it is so much easier to fall in. I love handing the responsibility over to the children. I have experienced time and time again how virtually any involvement on my part just fuels the fire of whatever drama is going on. Gives me a little boost to do it again next time.