Appreciations

I have been thinking about the idea of Appreciations as reinforcement for positive things I would like to see more of. I went back through our Family Meeting book and tried to find themes in the Appreciations that Dan and I have been giving to the children. Two big ones were Maturity/Growth (doing new things, handling things better, etc.) and Being Loving (through acts or words). Others were Generosity, Courage, Problem Solving, Fun, and Responsibility. For Toby, two areas I would really like to fertilize are Thoughtfulness and Responsibility. So I can use this perspective to inform which Appreciations I give, and even how to frame them. For instance, this morning Hazel asked Toby if she could hug him goodbye when he left for school. He hugged her back. It would be easy to present it as loving, but I will frame it as consideration for her feelings - to encourage more of that!

Affection between my kids has exploded in the past week. They are each saying "I love you" to the other, hugging a lot, and kissing sometimes. I am just beside myself with joy and keep trying to remember it's probably a phase. Is this a result of so many Appreciations for being loving?

Magic!

Well, I am just blown away. We were visiting grandparents this weekend, and it was Hazel's turn to pick our Family Fun activity for the weekend. We gave her a couple of choices and she chose the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. Toby was also excited for that, to see the flowers. But then it began to rain, so we needed to find an indoor idea. There is a tiny marionette theatre on the corner of my mother's block, and Hazel agreed that going to the puppet show could be our activity. Toby asked what he could do instead, and I explained that it was Haz's turn to choose something for us all to do together. He did not like that one bit. He started to cry and said it's not Family Fun if he hates puppet shows. I don't think he's ever seen one - we did try to go to this place with him years ago, and left because he was scared of the dark. I explained the system again, that each person gets a chance to choose, and everyone else has to do it even if they don't want to - in exchange for the same when it's their turn. I reminded him that he had had his turn a couple of weeks ago, and would again in two more weeks. Crying! Screaming! I could feel my mother's eyes burning into the back of me, watching how I handled it. Then he asked what we would do for him if he went to the show. What?? He said, "Either you do something special for me, or we're not going.". Oh, so fresh!! I said no, that was not the case - I managed to remain very calm and resist the urge to say Oh Really, Buster! I invited him to offer Hazel another indoor activity she might agree to instead. More crying and screaming. Then I said that it looked to me like our system of choosing a family activity was not working, did he agree? Yes. This is a problem, yes? Yes. So maybe what should happen is for him to put it on the Problem List when we get home, and at next Family Meeting we'll see if we can come up with a different way to do it. He agreed to that, and got calmer. I just waited to see what would come next. Then he said, "if, when we go out to get dessert, you get something separate for Hazel, then I'll go to the puppet show.". Deal! We shook on it, everyone was fine, they each got their own goddamn tootsie roll, we went to the puppet show and they both loved it. Hot damn. My mom was pretty impressed.

More analysis

This morning when Toby was leaving for school, Hazel said, "I kiss you, Toby? I kiss you?" Awwwwwwwww! He ignored her, but then she blew a few at him before he could escape.

Yesterday I walked in on Toby eating a candy bar in the afternoon, which he clearly knows violates family rules about sweets. We had a brief moment of eye contact, then I turned away and went about my business without comment. After dinner, he rushed to clear his dishes to get ready for dessert. He said something about what he wanted, and I neutrally said, "You had dessert already."
"What?"
"When you ate that chocolate bar this afternoon."
"Oh, yeah."
Now I am thinking about my feelings about sweets as a privilege, agreements, honesty, and trust.

First, sweets: the rules we have about sweets are to limit the amount, I don't really care when they are eaten. Ideally, I want him to be able to make his own decisions about what, how much, and when to eat - but I also want those decisions to reflect our family values about nutrition and healthy living. This is one of the most challenging areas for me in which to let go of control, to risk seeing what happens. What are the worst things that could happen (Belief)? Overweight, chronic illness, painful and expensive dental problems - and oh my - my classism glaring out about po' white trash and their pasty, greasy complexions from a steady intake of soda and junk food. And their correlated life problems. Consequence? Rules and their enforcement which send the message that I don't trust his judgement. Disputation? Both my children like lots of healthy foods, which are readily available in our home. Both are in excellent health. I eat plenty of desserts, and I am still fit and healthy. I have seen both my kids leave some treat unfinished because they felt sated - that's a key one. Encouragement: try giving some more freedom, and watch what happens. Go from there.

Second, agreements, honesty, and trust: I want Toby to feel an obligation to comply with family rules, to honor agreements, whatever they are about. I want members of our family to be able to trust each other, to believe that each will honor our agreements without surveillance. For the default assumption to be that we all have internal motivators towards fulfilling the same values. Hmm, now how is that possible, if we're all different people? I guess the Button here is bigger than just about the sneaking - it is that I feel threatened when faced with the possibility that my kids may not live into my values (healthy living, respecting agreements, honesty, etc). I feel like in order to make sure that they are living our family values, I have to make sure that they are - by monitoring and directing.
Belief: if I don't enforce structure in our lives that ensures our values are part of everyday living, the kids will grow up eating crap, littering, being obnoxious, dropping out of school, and unable to sustain relationships.
Consequence: we shape their lives through our words and actions. I think this is necessary at younger ages, but I guess as they get older it should gradually morph into mostly modelling. The negative consequence is maintaining too much control, for too long. And maybe sending the message that if they end up with values that differ from mine, I don't approve?
Disputation: these are my kids. I do believe in them and that they hold our core values. There are many different ways to be good people and have good lives, so different values doesn't necessarily mean opposite or no values.
Encouragement: RELAX. These kids are awesome, bright, loving, expressive, funny, and Toby already displays his internalization of a lot of what I want. Keep sending messages of love and support. Begin to consider different life outcomes for them, from what I have always imagined or dreamed of, that would also be fine.

Just to clarify, I'm not so crazy that I think all those bad things would happen because the kid snuck a candy bar. It just helped push me along to unravel all the bigger feelings and beliefs about instilling values. It really is so interesting, if I just play out the exercise of ABCDE, it can really uncover stuff I never consciously thought about before.

Respecting autonomy, promoting respect

I saw today another way PonT has altered how I handle situations with my children. Toby decided that he doesn't want to take piano lessons anymore. Previously, I would have felt disappointed and annoyed, and tried to cajole him into continuing to the end of the school year. I might have talked about how much his grandfather wants him to play, so they could enjoy doing it together. It is possible I might have tried to negotiate a deal to bribe him into continuing. I would certainly have told the teacher, apologetically and sheepishly.

But no more! This time around (we did this last year as well) I asked Toby what brought him to his decision. We figured out together that he has followed this pattern before: he gets frustrated when he advances in an activity to the point that it becomes difficult for him, and he opts to stop. I respected his choice and told him we would find out about the withdrawal policy. I asked him if he had thought about how he was going to tell his teacher. Today at the lesson, he told her himself. We gave the required 30-days' notice, and he agreed to continue to attend his lessons until that time is up. Afterwards, I asked about how it felt to talk with the teacher about his decision (a little scared), and I shared a story of a time I felt nervous about telling someone something I thought they might not like. Needless to say, a completely different experience. I am still a little sad, but didn't take it out on him. Now it occurs to me that if he doesn't want to go to the lessons we have to pay for, he can pay us back for them.

Maybe this next topic falls into the Training category - at Parent-Teacher conference yesterday, Toby's teacher expressed some concern that he is critical of other students and insensitive to their feelings about his comments. I initiated some conversation with him about different ways to communicate, and people feeling hurt or embarrassed by criticism. It wasn't clear how much he got what I was talking about. This evening he said something to Hazel like, "You're not doing it right! Do it like this." I said, "Wait! Let's look at that, what you just said." I showed him how he was telling her she was wrong and telling her what to do. I asked him how he could help her or show her, without those components. He tried saying it another way, and I gave him some observations about what he said. Then I offered a couple of ideas about how to communicate how he thought it should be done, with leading questions or sharing his experience - actually, the Art of Encouragement! Chipping away at rudeness, encouraging respect and consideration, trying to provoke thoughtfulness about the topic instead of just telling him what to do or not do. I also recommended extra carefulness when correcting an adult (the teacher was a bit offended that he had corrected her, on occasion!).

Looking at differences

After the show Monday night, I told Dan a couple of concepts that were new to me regarding Contributions. He started looking very concerned, and this led to another conversation about his feeling like this all might be too much for our kids, too much work, too many expectations. These feelings were freshly underscored because Toby left everything to do until late last evening and ended up crying on the floor, tired and frustrated. He had been plugging along, getting things done, until the piece that pushed him over the edge: he had his own clean laundry to put away, but I had already gone to put Hazel to bed in their room, so I didn't want him to turn on the light. Being confronted with either putting his clothes away in the dark, or not getting it done, was just more than he could manage. He cried for a few minutes, put them away in the dark, and came to bed. Done. It seems to me that this is more of an issue for Dan than for Toby. I explained to Dan that this experience set the stage for a conversation about other ways Toby might plan his afternoon and evening to avoid being stuck like that again. I also drew a parallel between the small stakes/supported learning of allowance over the years, and the Contributions/Training process - that they learn about time and energy allocation, and responsibility, when there's nothing major riding on the mistakes they make as they go. As opposed to finding oneself at college with no idea how to do laundry, shop for groceries, cook, or make sure they have time to study for an exam before going to a movie. He seemed to understand but still somewhat suspicious. We need to have clearer discussion about how much household work we each think is reasonable to expect of children at different ages.

A few random updates:

Hazel has been wearing underwear most of the time during the day, and often refusing a pull-up for naps. She has an accident once every two or three days. I have felt confident to take her to her gymnastics class and the grocery store in underwear, offering the bathroom but respecting her choice if she says no. Naps are dry about half the time.

Nighttime sleep is still erratic but so much better. We have had several nights where Hazel slept through to 5 or 6 a.m., and some nights where she woke up but went back to sleep quickly. There are still occasional crying fits but much less reliably. I think the duck lamp made a big difference, but it could be just the phase of the moon.

Bedtime: um, well, uh... we have sort of given up on this for the time being, and one of us stays with her until she is asleep. When we were trying to move her beyond that, there was so much yelling and crying, and it was impacting Toby so much, that everyone was just miserable. For now, for peaceful evenings and energy leftover for other progress, we are sticking with our bedtime status quo.

Your money is where?

Hazel and I had an exchange in a store today that sounded a lot like some scenarios Vicki has played out, but with a little twist. Hazel saw a set of Elmo song books that looked quite appealing to her, and she picked it up and said, "we get this." Right on cue I asked if she had her money. "Yes." Oh, really? I asked her where, and she said it was in her pocket. She was not wearing any clothing with pockets. I asked her to show me, and she searched around on herself for pockets for a minute. Then she said, "I no have pocket." "So then you do not have your money?" "No." I told her that she could not buy the books if she did not have her money to use, and she could try again next time. Then she asked if I had money (ooh, she's quick), and I told her my money was for what I needed to buy, and hers is for what she wants to buy. "That is why we gave you money in Family Meeting." We went back and forth about this for a minute and then I started to walk away. She found another toy she wanted and told me we were going to buy it. I repeated that she would not be able to pay for it since she hadn't brought her money, and kept walking. She carried it with us through the store until she got tired of that and asked me to carry it. I offered to put it up on a shelf for her, which she accepted, and we peacefully left the store. So a bit of debate but no tears or yelling, and Hazel got her first lessons about keeping track of money and remembering to bring it.

On the lying note...

She has also said her bedtime checklist is done when it clearly is not - we have not brushed her teeth yet, and she is not wearing a diaper, but when asked directly she says that yes, both those things are done. My question about Agreements is do we address it with our children when they don't fulfill them, or do we let them live the P without the R, and grow into feeling responsible to it? Of course a two-year-old needs some guidance here, but a six-year-old knows whether he's done his jobs or not. Do I check up on whether the Agreement has been fulfilled, or do I trust them when they say it has? More specifically, do I just make the observation that something hasn't been done yet, or do I actually say, "You can X as soon as Y..." I think the answer is: 1) you trust them when they say they did it, 2) let them do the P as though the R has been met, 3) make the observation that it wasn't, and 4) point out that they now need to earn back the P by fulfilling the R for some number of days, again.

Toby is back to zero for clean clothes. This is turning out to be harder for him than I thought.

Money news

It's been a big money weekend here. First off, Hazel said yesterday, "I want money." Alrighty then, it's been brewing anyway! She said she wanted coins, not bills, so at the end of Family Meeting today she recieved two quarters (since she's two). She was grabbing at the quarters during the meeting and she got to hear that allowance is at the end, she will get her allowance then. Everybody applauded her first time receiving allowance, what a big girl! Afterwards, I asked her where she would like to keep her money, and she said in her hand. Later I found it on the floor, so I put it away to give back to her at next week's meeting. This evening she asked, "where's my money?" I asked her where her money was, and she said she didn't know. A perfect start!

There have been a couple of things recently that Toby said he wanted, and I told him I could take him shopping to buy those things for himself any time. We went this afternoon - he chose Target. He wanted bubble solution and Kids' Crest toothpaste (we have tons of toothpaste in the house so I'm not buying any anytime soon). We walked around the store and I showed him the big signs for each section, and the small signs for each aisle. I asked him what sections he thought those things might be in, and encouraged him to ask a store clerk for help finding them, which he did, reluctantly. When he found the bubbles, there were a lot of choices and different prices. Toby chose what he wanted and sat on the floor, counting out dollar bills into his shopping basket. We talked about tax and how to figure out how much money he would need. Then he got the toothpaste and counted out more money into the basket. Although he was looking at everything, the only other thing he decided to buy was a $1 bag of cotton candy. He picked a checkout lane and handed over his little wad of cash. Then he came home, left his money bag in the car, and spent 45 minutes playing with bubbles. This was a totally successful shopping adventure.

Another note on Family Meeting: Hazel gave separate Appreciations for each person, things we had each actually done with her this week! Toby was all prepared with the Appreciations Board. And Hazel chose three contributions for this week - taking out the compost, vacuuming after meals, and putting away books. No Problems. Quick, sweet, celebratory.

As for Toby's P&R of wearing clean clothes, the second day he wore the same pants (and underwear), so I chose on Wednesday. Thursday and Friday he carefully picked clean clothing, so now he's up to Day 3 out of 5 tomorrow.

Reset

The other afternoon, Toby and Hazel got into a big screaming-crying something, over I don't remember what. Toby's friend was over at the time. At first I just removed myself from the area, but then I wondered if there was some way I could break the momentum of the situation (which was of course only escalating). Hazel has one of those plastic popcorn-popper push toys that make a lot of noise, which I happened to notice right near me as I was thinking about this. I grabbed it and ran through the house pushing it along, making a huge racket. I ran past the kids without looking at them, as they all shut up and watched me, startled. I ran back to my room - and got to enjoy their laughter and the forgetting of the conflict. It was like when a record is skipping (remember records?) and you just move the needle to another spot - RESET. And no yack-yack-yack from me about their fighting.

Oops

This morning I arrived home from early yoga at just about 8 o'clock, when Toby is supposed to go outside for the bus. He's usually gone by the time I get back, or I just catch him at the end of the driveway for a quick kiss goodbye. When I came inside, everyone was hanging out in the kids' room. I said hello - Toby didn't clue in to my presence as a sign that it was time for the bus to come. I looked to Dan behind Toby, and he mouthed to me that Toby hadn't asked for the timer, so he hadn't set it. Oops! My fault, I guess I never really communicated to Dan that I had taken the remembering to set the timer off my list of ambitions for Toby for the time being. I took action: "hey, aren't you usually about to get on the bus when I get back from yoga?"
"Yes, what time is it?"
"Eight o'clock."
"Is it time to go out?"
"Yes."
"Now?"
"Yes."
Ensuing mad flurry and panic, but he made it. He hadn't hung his backpack on the doorknob like he usually does, so he ran outside without it, then back again running and nearly in tears. When I asked him later what happened, he said "I forgot to use the timer." So although remembering it himself has not been the expectation, he claimed it, didn't blame Dad for not setting it. Interesting.

Flockmother posted a pearl of wisdom from the weekend workshop with Vicki: the child you least want to hug is the one who needs it most (or something like that). That has stuck with me and reminded me, when furious and frustrated, to take a step back and reconsider how to handle the situation. That has been very helpful - it has helped me maintain an approach guided by love and respect, even when those are not my most prominent feelings *ahem*.

I have made some choices about how to continue through this process in a balanced way that I can follow longer-term than anything like DNSN. For now, I sometimes offer Toby a written list of the things I would like him to do - which he so far cheerfully accepts and fulfills. I use this when there are just too many things and it's making me nuts. If the children clean up any food or kitchen mess but not to my standards, I wait until they are somewhere else and then I do what I want to be done. I do not clean up after them anywhere else in the house, and I do not clean up food if they haven't put forth some effort already. It just feels better to me to build in some flexibility with the guidelines - to be able to be generous when they are really struggling with something, but without undermining their own success. It feels like softening some of the harsh edges just a little.

Money

It is so frustrating that the feed for the show froze up. I have heard a lot of Vicki on the subject of allowance/money management learning before, so I will describe our experiences with this.

Toby started getting his $6 a week last October, when we started Family Meetings. I think it only took one or two weeks before he chose something to keep it in and immediately put it in there after every meeting. He doesn't spend much and he doesn't often show motivation to go shopping. There have been a few times when he remembered to bring it, when we've gone to a store. The main things he has purchased, 95% of his outflow, are sweet treats. For a while, he was bringing money to school every day to buy an ice cream or a chocolate cupcake after lunch. When we've been at the grocery store, he has bought these huge tubs of candy. This really bothers my husband, but I am fine with his sweets purchases as long as he continues to follow the family rules about when and how much he can eat. Toby has been exceedingly generous with his sweets, to the whole family and to guests as well. We spent some time together doing the math to figure out how many more desserts he could get for his money by bringing the tub candy to school instead of buying cupcakes - got Connection, taught some math, opened up some thinking about value. When Toby has had occasion to buy gifts for people, the way I decided to handle it for now is to give him a certain amount toward the purchase and let him decide whether to buy something that cost more by chipping in himself. He has paid library fines with his allowance and since decided that he's not ready to check books out again yet. Only a few times has he actually bought himself something that he wanted besides sweets. It doesn't seem like he has any consciousness about whether the purchase was worthwhile, if the item broke immediately vs. gave many hours of enjoyment. I see his awareness of prices and relative cost increasing ("wow, that's expensive!"). He basically has several weeks' worth of allowance piled up in his money bag, and no particular plans or desires for it.

Toby was given a doggie bank years ago, that you feed coins into. Dan developed a tradition with him, that when the dog's belly was getting full, they would open him up and put the coins into rolls. We would go together to the bank and deposit them in an account for him. We would take any loose leftover change to the counting machine in the grocery store, and Toby would choose one of the charities listed on the machine to donate that money to. It started when he was very little with Katrina relief, and he told his grandparents, "I gave money to help the people whose houses blew away." Now with allowance, that opportunity for learning about charitable giving has dwindled. He is not so interested in feeding the dog, Hazel seems to be taking that over.

We have not started allowance for Hazel yet, it just seemed like she would rip it up or flush it. But lately, after watching Toby get his at Family Meeting every week, she is definitely interested. I have said to her a few times, "yes, you can get that - as soon as you start getting allowance, you can buy that with your own money." We were planning to start when she turned three, but I don't think it can wait that long. If you had asked me one year ago if anyone in their right mind would give a two-year-old allowance, I would have laughed out loud.

Off-topic: this evening I heard Toby yelling from the other room, "Hazel, get out of that cabinet, RIGHT NOW! Stop! Put that bowl back! I am being nice to you!" ??

P&R Strategy

I finally got serious about Privileges and Responsibilities. I took the lists that I posted a couple of weeks ago (here, and here), and marked for myself which R's Toby is already fulfilling, and which need to be implemented. For some of them, I chose how long each Privilege would take to be earned. Most importantly, I discovered that Toby is already fulfilling all the R's for deciding when to go to bed, having bedtime snuggling, and using my iPhone. Prepared with all this information, I initiated a conversation with him about the whole topic. His willingness to be involved in this discussion increased when I clearly stated that I was not about to give him more jobs to do (so he does have some idea what it's all about!).

To begin, I asked him what the words Privilege and Responsibility meant to him, did he understand what I meant by those words? No. "Is a privilege like a contribution? A responsibility is something someone tells you to do." I gave a bunch of examples, and asked him what he thought the R's of using the iPhone were. He immediately said "No throwing, sit on the floor," our requirements for Hazel to use it. Interestingly, he also said finishing his checklist. I offered handling it carefully and giving it back when asked, and then said it seemed like he had been doing all those things without any difficulty, that he had earned that privilege. He seemed pleased and proud, and also to relax a bit more, like he began to trust that this wasn't going to be a scolding. I asked him about the other P's that I feel he's already earned, and let him know what he's been doing to show me that he can handle them. It seemed like this conversation gave him a better understanding of the whole concept, as well as a good shot of Capable. He laughed when I gave an example of my using the computer all day to the point of not buying groceries, making dinner, doing the laundry, or taking him to piano lessons - what over-using a privilege without meeting my responsibilities would look like. And he completely understood when I asked if he knows how I get grumpy and grouchy sometimes when I haven't gotten enough sleep - not meeting my responsibility to set my own bedtime. Using humor and strokes really opened him up to be receptive to the conversation.

Then I brought up what happened with his clothes this week: he wore one shirt for 72 hours. Yes, folks, that's three school days in a row. So I pointed that out to him the other night and let him know that I would choose his clothes for yesterday and today. At this point in the P&R discussion, I asked him how many days in a row he thought he should wear clean clothes to school, to show me he can handle the privilege of picking his own. Together we settled on 5 days, starting next Monday, with the understanding that a dirty clothes day sets us back to Day 1. Demonstrating the R and using the P are the same thing in this scenario, so for any dirty clothes day I will pick his clothing for the next day. He doesn't have any clothes that he really hates, but there are some he does not want to wear and those are my picks. He changed into something else this morning, saying the shirt I picked didn't feel good. I didn't bully him into wearing it, just said, "I don't know how your clothes feel to you, that's why you might want to be able to choose yourself." I am hoping he is motivated to do this, that he doesn't see the loopholes, and that it's an easily achievable success for him to get under his belt. Then I will move on to the areas that are more challenging.

I also looked back to the lists I made during the Timeline for Training week, of skills our kids do independently, with prompting, and the skills they need to learn. If we can gradually move through the inventory of P&Rs, building on the skills in the Rs, then that will make a major left-shift on my lists, moving several things from List 2 to List 1. Some of the P's have overlapping R's (cleaning up, manners) so I am strategizing using them as stepping stones for each other. My feeling is that we just have to go slowly, one thing at a time - so he doesn't get overwhelmed and frustrated, and I don't get stressed and less-than-encouraging. Once all the R's for the pre-existing P's have become routine, the entire approach should be much simpler and more straightforward.

Underpants

Oh my god, what a rich and hysterical half-hour we just had. So full of whirling sibling dynamics. I had to get it all down before I forget it. My internal comments are in italics.

During dinner, Toby asked me to grate some Parmesan cheese on his pasta. You can do that yourself just fine. I encouraged him to do it himself. While he was moaning about how he can't get enough on, Hazel took the cheese and grater and started doing her own. Way to shame him into it, girlfriend. Have to keep my mouth shut! I suggested that since Hazel was doing it, maybe he would ask her to help him. He did ask her to grate some cheese for him, but when she balked, he said, "well, then, what do you want to do for me instead? If you're not going to do the cheese, will you take out the compost for me?" (his contribution). She doesn't owe you anything, bud. Keep my mouth shut! But I do suggest a trade when he is resisting doing a task, guess that's where he got that idea. She said yes, and he was satisfied and grated his own cheese. That's all you had to do in the first place.

After dinner, Toby told Hazel it was time to take out the compost, and all she needed was to put on underwear, pants, and shoes. Little does he know that's a huge undertaking. Keep my mouth shut. He said, "here, I'll help you." Now this is the cutest, greatest thing EVER:





Unfortunately, by the time they got to pants, things deteriorated until they were both crying. Oh well. He yelled at her, "do you want to take out the compost? It's a yes or no question! Do you?" Don't yell at her, she was doing you a favor! "No." "Well, then, what are you going to do instead? Help me turn out the lights?" "Okay." Wow, they both stopped crying. They worked this whole thing out themselves. Toby took the compost out by himself, without complaint (first time doing this without a parent). Again, all you had to do to avoid a whole big drama.

Toby's being bossy and manipulative, but Hazel didn't seem too bothered by that part, and I am not at all worried about her being able to hold her own. I stayed out of it, they worked it out, were both happy at the end, he did both tasks for himself, and they had the most adorable sibling/helping interaction ever. Did I say I love this??

Effect of Appreciations

Since we started Family Meetings with Appreciations about 6 months ago, I have noticed all of the following increasing in my childrens' interactions with each other:

1. generosity

2. helpfulness

3. kindness

4. playfulness and enjoyment with each other

Examples:

1. Toby has shared with Hazel treats he received at school, that he bought with his allowance, and toys that are his or that he purchased himself - many times. He has also allowed her to wear his clothes. Hazel has given Toby pieces of her food and let him play with her toys.

2. Toby either helped Hazel clear her dishes, or did it for her, for a week. He helped her wash her hands after peeing, while I was in the shower.

3. When Hazel has cried in the car, Toby finds and gives her a pacifier or her doll. He reads books to her. They blow kisses at each other!

4. They have chased each other around the house laughing hysterically, and played wrestling games. They have created water games in the tub together.

All of this just melts my heart. Previously, about the best I could hope for was indifference - Hazel loved Toby, of course, but he was not very interested in interacting with her. Sometimes he was mean, wouldn't let her use anything of his, pushed her, or screamed at her. All of that still happens sometimes, but so much less often, and it is really totally overshadowed by the positive stuff. Just love it.

Value: Family Fun

We all agreed a while ago to create a list of all the fun things we could think of to do together as a family, and then that we would take turns each weekend choosing something. Well, the list got made. As we were trying to plan our day yesterday, things got less and less fun with all the bickering about who wanted to do what (complete with changing minds). Toby said, "it's not Family Fun if it's not fun for everybody." My response was that it isn't easy to find things that everyone likes all the time, so if we take turns choosing, everyone gets a chance to pick what they like best - and everyone has a turn at not getting to choose, a chance to learn about doing what's good for the family before what's good for ourselves. So I asked Toby how he thought we might get this plan rolling, how we could actually do it. He did not offer any ideas. Everyone agreed to a set rotation (which Toby says he will remember for us without writing it down anywhere), to begin next week. I'm hoping this will get Toby trying more activities, and help Dan feel less annoyed at spending a chunk of his weekend at a children's museum. I definitely think it will help me feel more justified in picking what I really want to do, instead of what I think would make the most people the happiest - stepping back from jobs of peacekeeper and cheerleader.

My stepmother

My stepmother confided that she is having nightmares about Toby having more independence than he can handle, being lost in the mall or gettung hit by a car, and things like that. She definitely appreciates the value of pushing the kids to learn how to do all these things but it scares her. She said that when her brother was in college, their mother would bring him things that he had forgotten. The part that is most difficult for her to imagine doing is divorcing oneself from worry about the child experiencing natural consequences - for her college-student granddaughter, things like missing deadlines or sleeping through classes. So a related piece of homework for me: what skills did I lack upon entering adulthood, that I want to impart to my children before they leave home?

The Outfit

A re-enactment, but the exact outfit:

Privilege: picking your own clothes

Hazel brought her own dish into the kitchen after dinner the past two nights, without being asked. Toby had been doing it with her or for her for the past week or so.

About the bloody pants: I started out with some general questions about how Toby decides if something is dirty enough to put in the laundry, how he chooses what to wear each day, etc. Mostly "I don't know" responses, so I offered some information about how I make those decisions. Later I asked him if he liked choosing his own clothes each day, and he said he did. I asked how it would be if I picked what he had to wear, and he said, "bad." Then I told him that the way to avoid that is by wearing clean clothes to school each day, but that if he was wearing dirty clothing to school, then I would start picking for him. I asked if he thought that was reasonable and if he agreed to it, which he did. I framed these as the P and R of being mature enough to make one's own decisions. But I have to say, it does feel like a kind of manipulation or forcing - just like creating a barricade to any movement with "as soon as..." can also feel. I have been so pleasantly surprised lately, though, at how well he's been remembering to do certain things, like getting his piano books into the car Wednesday mornings, or setting his timer when he goes to use the computer.

I have noticed several areas that used to be real sticking points for me, that I have been able to surrender control of - and now these things no longer concern me very much.
1 - how often and how thoroughly Toby bathes
2 - whether he brings his mittens to school
3 - what time he goes to bed
4 - how many sweet drinks he has (not including soda)
5 - if his clothes are backwards or inside-out
6 - if he wears the same thing to school the next day (as long as it's not too filthy)
I also listen to other mothers talking about how they struggle over so many things like this, and I feel like they are just torturing themselves.

What will it take for Hazel to lie down and stay in bed? I have no idea. Bedtime is a disaster, I can't even talk about it.

More P&Rs, and my fashion plate

More thoughts on P&Rs:

6. bedtime snuggle
- be finished with teeth and PJs by 8:30
- lie down quietly in bed in the dark
[I like Flockmother's technique of being available during a specific timeslot, and if the kids aren't ready by then, they have lost their chance for the night - there is much noodling around here.]
7. use iPhone
- sit on the floor (H)
- give it back when asked
- handle it carefully
- no throwing of anything except balls (H)
8. extracurricular activities (gymnastics, piano, etc - classes)
- get ready to go on time
- be prepared with whatever is needed for class
- practice piano at least 5x/week

This morning I allowed Hazel to go out of the house in a bikini top, purple long john pants, red patent leather shoes, and rainbow mittens. I wish I had a picture. She refused any kind of shirt or coat - it is 35 degrees today. After internally debating really going to the store with her in this very exposed get-up, I did it. Got some curious looks but also many understanding smiles.

Eeeeeeewww!

Aaaargh!!!!! Toby cut his finger in school yesterday and had some blood marks on his pants. He said a lot of it was marker also. He wore those disgusting things back to school today! I returned home from yoga just in time to kiss him goodbye at the bus stop. Dan asked if I would have said anything - I'm pretty sure I would have felt strongly compelled to ask some questions to draw his attention to how dirty his pants were, and maybe what he thought the teacher's reaction might be. Oh, gross. At least I forewarned her that he might be coming to school in dirty clothes and why. Huge "what kind of parent will people think I am?" on this one. Dan actually thinks the school might call me to pick him up for this, but I think there will be no natural consequence for him.

P: choose your own clothes
R: wear clean clothes to school?
I can frame lots of things this way but choosing his own clothes is also a responsibility, getting dressed himself is a job I want him to do. It's possible he might be perfectly happy to have me lay out his clothes. I'll ask him about it after school.

Privileges and Responsibilities

These are the major privileges that Toby now enjoys and the responsibilities that I would like associated with each:

1. screen time (videos/computer)
- complete checklist (a.m. or p.m.)
- clean up any previous activity
- stick to agreed time limits, keep track and stop on own when time is up
- get out the door on time or to bed at a reasonable time, on his own(see #4)
2. eating in restaurants
- stay in seat on tush
- indoor voice
- table manners: utensils, no playing with food, no intentional messes, please/thank you, swallow before speaking, wait for everyone to finish before asking for dessert, order own food and eat it
3. dessert
- mostly the same as restaurant
- eat three food groups (crackers/cheese/banana, pasta/chickpeas/carrots, etc)
4. playdates (either house)
- clean up activities and snack
- conflict management (without screaming or throwing)
- manners (please/thank you/excuse me, no interrupting)
5. deciding when to go to bed
- wake up with enough time to complete checklist before leaving
- entertain self without disturbing others until going to sleep, no screen time after 8:30 p.m.
- maintain manners and reasonably cooperative, respectful behavior

He fulfills several of these responsibilities already, but #5 is the only one for which I would say he is on top of all the associated responsibilities. Clean-up and restaurant behavior are the really big areas for growth. With bedtime, I just stopped telling him when it was time to go to bed. I definitely direct Hazel, and he seems to take his cue from that. He also seems to naturally respond to his body's signals, if he was up later the previous night he'll go to bed earlier the next. Some of the above have already been instituted as agreements, others not yet introduced. Have to look at what the kids say about responsibilities for each.

Screen time and restaurants are privileges that Hazel currently enjoys with very few responsibilities required of her. I have been using "as soon as..." for screen time with things like getting dressed, brushing teeth, very basic morning checklist items.

The only privilege that is really attached to Toby completing his evening checklist is screen time, which he doesn't use every day. That means that there are days when he might not fulfill all the items, and have no repercussions. Perhaps another privilege that should be earned by completing the checklist consistently is freedom from policing, nagging, reminding - the privilege of being in charge of oneself. If you fulfill it for 7 days, I will trust that you are doing it on your own thereafter. If not, I will continue to monitor and interfere. The problem is that this doesn't project faith that he can and will do it - it requires him to prove it to me first. Opinions?

Negotiating between the two children presents some difficulties. The children sharing a room complicates each of their bedtime routines and times - Hazel doesn't want to go to bed if Toby isn't, he wants to read in the bedroom but it's time for her to have lights out, etc. We can't put on a video until Toby's checklist is done, and Hazel ends up waiting for an hour. I am looking at these situations as potential for sibling teamwork, eventually.

P.S. Hazel was in underpants out of the house for 3 hours this morning, with no accidents! She peed in public toilets twice during that time. Lots of Capable there!