Privileges and Responsibilities

These are the major privileges that Toby now enjoys and the responsibilities that I would like associated with each:

1. screen time (videos/computer)
- complete checklist (a.m. or p.m.)
- clean up any previous activity
- stick to agreed time limits, keep track and stop on own when time is up
- get out the door on time or to bed at a reasonable time, on his own(see #4)
2. eating in restaurants
- stay in seat on tush
- indoor voice
- table manners: utensils, no playing with food, no intentional messes, please/thank you, swallow before speaking, wait for everyone to finish before asking for dessert, order own food and eat it
3. dessert
- mostly the same as restaurant
- eat three food groups (crackers/cheese/banana, pasta/chickpeas/carrots, etc)
4. playdates (either house)
- clean up activities and snack
- conflict management (without screaming or throwing)
- manners (please/thank you/excuse me, no interrupting)
5. deciding when to go to bed
- wake up with enough time to complete checklist before leaving
- entertain self without disturbing others until going to sleep, no screen time after 8:30 p.m.
- maintain manners and reasonably cooperative, respectful behavior

He fulfills several of these responsibilities already, but #5 is the only one for which I would say he is on top of all the associated responsibilities. Clean-up and restaurant behavior are the really big areas for growth. With bedtime, I just stopped telling him when it was time to go to bed. I definitely direct Hazel, and he seems to take his cue from that. He also seems to naturally respond to his body's signals, if he was up later the previous night he'll go to bed earlier the next. Some of the above have already been instituted as agreements, others not yet introduced. Have to look at what the kids say about responsibilities for each.

Screen time and restaurants are privileges that Hazel currently enjoys with very few responsibilities required of her. I have been using "as soon as..." for screen time with things like getting dressed, brushing teeth, very basic morning checklist items.

The only privilege that is really attached to Toby completing his evening checklist is screen time, which he doesn't use every day. That means that there are days when he might not fulfill all the items, and have no repercussions. Perhaps another privilege that should be earned by completing the checklist consistently is freedom from policing, nagging, reminding - the privilege of being in charge of oneself. If you fulfill it for 7 days, I will trust that you are doing it on your own thereafter. If not, I will continue to monitor and interfere. The problem is that this doesn't project faith that he can and will do it - it requires him to prove it to me first. Opinions?

Negotiating between the two children presents some difficulties. The children sharing a room complicates each of their bedtime routines and times - Hazel doesn't want to go to bed if Toby isn't, he wants to read in the bedroom but it's time for her to have lights out, etc. We can't put on a video until Toby's checklist is done, and Hazel ends up waiting for an hour. I am looking at these situations as potential for sibling teamwork, eventually.

P.S. Hazel was in underpants out of the house for 3 hours this morning, with no accidents! She peed in public toilets twice during that time. Lots of Capable there!