Sunday, July 31, 2011

Tantrum

Haven't posted in a long time. Dan and I just got back from a couples' workshop, so that's got me thinking about all kinds of issues. This was our first time away together without children, two nights. Here is what happened when we got home:

The children both greeted us enthusiastically and joyfully. Hazel wanted all my attention for the first hour or more. After dinner, we called Family Meeting. When she arrived, she wanted to be Chairperson, but this week was Toby's turn. She refused to take any of the other 3 jobs available and began screaming. The rest of us went into another room and shut the door. She continued to scream outside the door.

Here I will insert a little background information - a couple of weeks ago, she got some bug bites that were really bothering her. Over the next couple of days, we went through a variety of remedies to help her, including itch cream, ice packs, Ace bandages, popcorn (not to eat, but to apply to the bug bite!), bandaids. I guess she realized that her complaints got her a lot of attention, because she started shrieking about her leg pain (=itchy bites) any time she was not happy about something. I say no to ice cream for breakfast? Her legs suddenly hurt unbearably. Etcetera. I wanted to attend to her discomfort and express caring, but not to reinforce that behavior as a control strategy. It had gotten to the point that if she began shrieking immediately after being thwarted in some desire, I would just walk away.

So... the screaming outside the door of Family Meeting quickly became calls for Mommy to help her with her legs hurting. When she came into the meeting room, Dan went out and put one bandaid on her and told her she needed to wait until after the meeting, then we would help her more. She continued to howl but did not come into the room where we were. We were able to finish the meeting.

As soon as the meeting was over, Dan and I both went to her. She had stopped yelling and was in fact sneaking extra dessert. As soon as we came into the room, she started crying and thrashing around, kicking her legs and saying, "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch, ouch, ouch!!!" We sat quietly near her on the floor as she continued to have this kicking tantrum for around 45 minutes with no decrease in volume. We just sat there with her, and I occasionally put my hand on her back. Sometimes she accepted it and sometimes she squirmed away. She never asked us to do anything for her leg pain, and we didn't offer. Eventually, very gradually, she nudged into the crook of my arm so I could put my arm around her. Still screaming, crying, and kicking, she slowly squirmed onto my lap. She let me put my arms around her but continued in the same vein. Again, after a long time, she slowly began losing steam. One yell would be a little weaker, then a bunch of loud ones, then another weaker one. She soon began nodding off and then fell completely asleep.

While PonT wouldn't support our keeping vigil with her during her tantrum, I felt that this was good for her tonight. She needed to reconnect after our time away, was obviously exhausted and having a tough time coping. We gave her space to express her unhappiness and remained unconditionally accepting. I let her decide when and how to come to me, and received her lovingly even though she was still in her tantrum. Because this was all non-verbal and we maintained a neutral, passive attitude, I didn't feel like we were indulging her or reinforcing the behavior.

After a whole weekend of listening to adults talk about how what they didn't get from their parents has impacted how they can relate in their partner relationships, I am ever more mindful of trying to meet my children's needs. Not to satisfy their every whim, but to help them feel valued and heard, capable and respected. Tricky.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Homework

I wanted to make this a separate post because it's a totally different topic. Over the past 3 weeks, Toby has started to slack off on school work. One assignment was handed in late, the next one remained unfinished on the kitchen counter for a week past its due date and then disappeared. A project was never completed. Homework sheets were abandoned on the kitchen floor. I was starting to get really concerned but wasn't sure what to do, especially since we were smack in the middle of DNSN. But today I addressed it.

I asked Toby what had ever happened with the project. He said he wasn't sure, that he couldn't do it because I forgot to take him somewhere. I asked if that meant he had not handed anything in, and he admitted that he had not. I asked if he had discussed it with his teacher, and he said no. I said that I had noticed that there had been a few homework assignments that he hadn't done, and asked what he thought about it. Didn't know. I asked if there was anything going on at school that was making it hard for him to do his work, or anything bothering him, and he said he didn't think so. He was starting to get upset and teary. I told him that I wasn't angry and he wasn't in trouble, but rather that I was concerned about him not meeting his school responsibilities. I also told him that I wanted him to know that I try to stay out of his school business because I think it's important for him to learn how to manage his own responsibilities - but that doesn't mean that I'm ignoring it. I am paying attention and I care. I told him that his dad and I are always available to help him work out any problems he might be having, and if he doesn't want to talk to us, there are other adults at school he can turn to. And then I stopped talking.

I did not make him do the old work. I did not make him talk to his teacher. I did not punish him or institute new rules about homework before privileges. What I did was to offer support and demonstrate concern and attention. I suggested that we address this situation the same way we are approaching nutrition - leave it up to him unless things seem to be getting out of control, at which time we could do some problem-solving together. He agreed to this and we were soon playing and laughing together. I felt pretty positive about the interaction and how I handled it, but now I want to see what he does. I wondered if this was a sort of test to see if anyone would notice. It was tough to hold myself back from all the things you think you're supposed to do in a situation like that, discipline, policing, etc. Now I watch my child and learn more about him.

Clean-up day

I wrote a nice, juicy post yesterday about the week as a whole and my final analysis, but the computer ate it. Here's the wrap-up, hopefully I'll recreate the analysis part afterwards.

Today the children wanted to go to the local amusement park. I told them we needed to do a big part of the clean-up first, then I would take them. I gave them each an empty laundry basket, and the first game was for each child to go through the house and collect all their own clothes that they found - whoever had fewer clothes in their basket at the end was the winner, but if I found any article of clothing left around the house, that person would be disqualified. They eagerly ran around, gathering their items. Hazel had fewer clothes in her basket, but neither won because they both had overlooked a few things. Then we carried the baskets to the laundry room together, and they put everything in the washer.

For the second game, each child got a plastic bag. They were sent to collect any pieces of food that they could find left out, and whoever had more in their bag at the end was the winner. Toby won that one with 8 1/2 ounces, compared to Hazel's six.

The third game brought back the laundry baskets. Each child was told to gather up any of their own possessions they found lying around the house, as well as any mess that they had made. Both baskets came back quite full! Both children were declared winners of round 3 - but to be eligible to receive their prize, every item in the baskets needed to be put away in its proper place.

We spent about 45 minutes and cleaned up about 90% of the mess. The prizes consisted of the trip to the amusement park and an increase in the amount of spending money they got for the day there. We also held hands and did a few victory jumps together. A positive grand finale for everyone.

The major points of learning from this week:

- Hazel is still too young to get much out of this exercise - very little sense of consequence
- Toby was nearly perfect with dental care on his own
- both children got themselves to bed at a reasonable time almost every night
- both children continued to eat a variety of healthy foods
- neither child ate sweets to excess (they barely seemed to eat any more than I would have allowed anyway)
- they both enjoyed more screen time than is normally allowed but also continued to participate in other activities like outside time and reading
- neither child performed ANY contributions the entire week

So we agreed as a family to suspend food and dessert rules and evaluate in one month. This is huge for me, as surrendering control over nutrition was unthinkable before. And I will stop interfering in Toby's oral hygeine. Screen time agreements are still in effect, but next time around I think I'll be ready to let go of that completely and see where it takes us.

I got a lot out of this week, I think it really moved us forward.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Day 3

These are my biggest issues with DNSN this time around:

1. Toby's oral hygeine due to brand-new retainer
2. Hazel toileting independently
3. Hazel's pacifier access (usually they are put out of reach during the day)

Those are the areas where I am really struggling to balance DNSN with the survival of Toby's teeth and our furniture, and avoiding serious regression in the pacifier weaning. The house is starting to look really disastrous, stuff spread all over the floor in nearly every room, including bread crusts and spilled bags of cookies. We are running out of food because grocery shopping is Toby's contribution for the month, and he hasn't mentioned anything about us going.

Here are some of the things my children handled on their own with no parental interference:

TOBY (7)
- brushed his teeth 3 times in the past 24 hours
- wore his retainer whenever he wasn't eating or brushing
- got up on time and out to the bus on time
- packed and remembered his lunch and backpack
- spent time reading
- got ready for bed and went to sleep at the usual time

HAZEL (3)
- used the potty several times
- wiped herself for pee
- washed her hands afterwards
- closed the car door after getting out
- dressed herself once
- put on her shoes
- took off her shoes when entering the house

They are both enjoying the absence of parental restrictions on screentime and dessert, but neither are overindulging too outrageously. I am actually shocked at how little extra dessert they have had - good for me to see, that is an area where I have a lot of difficulty surrendering control. Both children have continued to eat fairly healthy diets.

This go-round may teach me more than anyone else.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Day 2

Neither child brushed their teeth this morning - Toby forgot and Hazel refused. I restrained myself from witholding dessert (brushing is a dessert responsibility) and left it up to them - Hazel camped out in front of the laptop with a bag of cookies. Toby announced, "I'm going to do computer. I'm not asking because it's Do Nothing, Say Nothing week." He did go to school and do his homework. They both brushed last night. They both ate dinner. Hazel nearly came to my La Leche League meeting in a pajama top and nothing else. She dumped some poopy pee water out of her little potty on her way to pour it into the toilet.

But all is well. The only time I have raised my voice was in alarm when Hazel almost whacked a baby in the head with a doll stroller, by accident. So far, so good. House getting progressively messier, but still no perishable food left out to spoil. Love my kids!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

DNSN Again!

Urged on by the amount of yelling I was doing, today we started another Do Nothing, Say Nothing week, the first since a few days last summer. My immediate feeling after discussing it at Family Meeting was - freedom! I don't want to do anything, for anybody. But I will try to keep in mind that the purpose is not for me to have a vacation, but to see what the kids can or will do for themselves if we're not doing it for them - and how they will manage themselves if we're not doing that for them. So far today Toby skipped toothbrushing, asked permission for dessert and computer, and asked for help making his lunch. Hazel has been naked for the past 7 hours - except after she fell asleep I put a diaper on her because I just wasn't up to the whole inevitable laundry or sleep-in-pee quandry that would follow. We have a few little messes around but nothing perishable so far. My hope for this week is for the children to discover new things they can do themselves, amd for me to regain some tolerance for less control and more chaos.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Other people's children

I have been trying to pay more attention lately to getting back to PonT strategies. One that I have used pretty consistently is to get out of the car when the kids are screaming or fighting or pretend-crying. I let them know that it is not safe for me to drive with that going on in the car, and they should tap on the window when they are done and ready to go. It usually works pretty quickly to calm things down, or else they get a good vent without my having to listen to it. I can't remember a situation where I was so urgent to get somewhere that I couldn't follow through with this technique.

Hazel sometimes spends a good long time yelling by herself in the car. If I let her know that *now* is when we have to go if she doesn't want to miss her class or gymnastics or whatever, then she can stop right away. But she can be pretty stubborn.

On Wednesdays I bring Hazel to a friend's house in the morning, while I go to Zumba. The friend's grandma watches the girls, then I come back and we all have lunch, then I take the girls to gymnastics class. Today the girls decided they both wanted to sit in the carseat that has pockets on the sides. The friend sat in it and Hazel refused to get in the other one. There was some crying, and I offered to teach them scissors/paper/rock so they could figure out who gets to sit in that carseat first (I did declare that they would switch for the ride back). Hazel was not interested in that, so I said I would wait outside while they figured it out. I got out and shut the door. Then the grandma came out on her way to the store.

It must have looked odd. I explained that they both wanted to sit in the same seat, and I was letting them sort it out. Before she drove away, she asked me if her granddaughter was crying. No, she was fine, but Hazel was still sitting between the front seats. After a few more minutes, I stuck my head in and said it was time to go if they wanted to get to gymnastics on time. I said when I saw two girls in seats, I would buckle them and we could go. Hazel then got into a seat and, to their delight, I taught them the game, which they played during the whole car ride. Everyone happy! We were on time! Worked out beautifully and no one was upset (especially me).

I have never applied PonT to other people's children before. I know from experience that the grandma insists on her granddaughter wearing her raincoat and things like that. After the class, the girl refused to put her pants back on. Now, that would be fine with me - after all, we're only getting into and out of the car - but I knew the grandma wouldn't like it if I brought her back with naked legs in the chilly rain. I decided that I wouldn't let felt judgement push me into a conflict with this little girl over something silly. Luckily, a bit later, I just held out her pants and she got into them while she was paying attention to something else. Problem solved.

It felt like a big success to me to avoid two rabbit holes in the space of an hour - and when people from "the outside world" are involved, it is so much easier to fall in. I love handing the responsibility over to the children. I have experienced time and time again how virtually any involvement on my part just fuels the fire of whatever drama is going on. Gives me a little boost to do it again next time.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Problem Solving

Although my kids are very resistant to using the Problem List at Family Meeting, we have been able to use the Problem Solving method with success several times. Dan presented his problem at the meeting: "I have a problem when people run around the house naked, sticking their hands in their tushies and putting tushie germs on everything."

Here are the proposed solutions:
Dan - wear boxing gloves whenever naked to prevent tushie hands
me - kids are just not allowed to touch anything in the house
Hazel - hop on one foot for ten minutes (??)
Toby - no being naked unless you're changing your clothes or in the bathroom

Dan chose Toby's solution, everyone gave it a "five" (agreement) and we tried it for a week. At the next meeting, we asked how this solution had been working, and Hazel frowned and shook her head "no." With some questioning, she managed to explain that she missed some naked time especially when we play a chase-and-strip game (our most recent and successful solution to the problem of wearing dirty clothes for 5 days in a row). So she modified the previous solution to include an exception for the game, and everyone agreed to try this for a week and monitor tushie hands.

How awesome is it that a 3-year-old can critique and influence family policy successfully?

Monday, February 28, 2011

a new experience

While we were on vacation in Mexico, Toby lost his wallet. We had an annoying 3-bus trip back from a park to our hotel, and we think it was left on the second bus while he was distracted playing with our new camera. He had about $20 plus about $4 worth of pesos in it, and it had been made for him by a friend of ours. He tends to carry it in his hand instead of putting it in a pocket, and so he often puts it down.

We went together and asked the person at the tour desk to call the bus company, and gave whatever information we could remember. He held out hope for a couple of days that it would turn up. As the wallet's real loss dawned on him, Toby told me how much money he thought he'd had in it, and "so that's how much you should give me." I responded that when I have lost money, no one gave it back to me. He understood and got very upset for about an hour. We offered sympathy and when he was feeling better, we told stories of awful losses we have experienced (all our belongings packed into a car that got stolen, for example).

He handled it much better than I would have expected. Today he said, "Next time I won't bring my wallet to another country. I'll only bring it if I know I'm going to want to buy something." So he's taking in the experience and processing some learning from it. Amazingly, there was no whining or asking for things to be bought for him. It really seemed like after the initial reality sank in, he resigned himself to the situation and kept moving forward.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Reading Log

About a week ago, a paper came home from school addressed "Dear Parent". It informed me that my child would now be bringing home a Reading Log every night and asked that I make sure he reads at least 20 minutes a night, and records the book title and pages and minutes read on his log. And that I make sure he brings borrowed books back to school. I read the letter to Toby. Over the next few days, I asked him what he was reading each evening, and if he had completed his log. And I noticed an immediate change.

Toby is a huge reader, as I have mentioned before. He will often read a chapter book in one sitting, brings books to read in the car, etc. And as soon as I started meddling in his relationship with books, it changed. He became reluctant to read, would read for the prescribed 20 minutes only, and had to be pushed repeatedly to complete his log. It didn't take me long to decide that this was counter-productive.

I wrote an email to his teacher explaining that he normally reads at least as much as she wanted, if not more, and books that challenged him - but that as soon as the Reading Log began, his reading became a power struggle between us. I wrote, "I don't want to mess up something with my interference, that was working fine without it." I let her know that I would be leaving Toby's reading decisions up to him, that I felt comfortable with his ability and motivation to push himself, without my involvement. I asked her to address it with him, if the log did not meet her expectations.

She said that was fine with her.

Today he read for about an hour and a half.

A successful communication of confidence in my child, a clear demonstration of how our interference can undermine their efforts, and a constructive interaction with his teacher. Win!

Monday, January 31, 2011

A new year!

So Toby went to school without any pants.

And I didn't say a word.

Okay, he was wearing longjohns, so it wasn't like his white chicken legs were poking out of his snowboots - but it was definitely something I would never have even considered keeping quiet about in years past. Apparently, no harm came to him, no teasing, no calls to me from Children's Services, all was well, and I was able to let him live his own life. While sometimes it drives me crazy, there is a certain charm to his utter lack of concern about his appearance. Much like his dad.

I am finally getting my butt in gear with a reboot of PonT for the new year. Made a new and improved list of most prominent Useless Behaviors for each child, and my most glaring Interfering Strategies. Unfortunately the lists displayed some regression from past progress, I suppose that ebbs and flows. My new list of Enhancing Strategies was very satisfying, though. A lot of PonT stuff has become second nature, or I have found my own interpretation that unfolds naturally.

Do you think I could get away with stopping the Interfering Strategies without having to do a Do Nothing, Say Nothing week?

Then I made some headway with my lists of the skills the kids have and do spontaneously, have but don't do spontaneously, and skills they need to learn. Awesome progress on those since last year! Then I ran out of energy. Timeline for Training is on hold. My goal for this week is to make note of when I am upset with the children, notice what they are doing, how I feel, and what strategy I would normally use first. And try something different. Then look at my list and see who's after which Mistaken Goals of Behavior. Which leads me to the Four Cs and where to put my focus in nourishing the true displayed need.

So much to remind myself of. Good stuff. I can see and feel the lapses, I have lost some focus and the kids' behavior reflects that. Back on Track!

P.S. Hazel's outfit of choice these days is her kelly green Buzz Lightyear pajamas. She wears them at least 3 days a week, sometimes consecutively.