I know I should't have

Of course I know this story is a perfect example of what we're not supposed to do anymore. And I also know I did it in a quest for Personal Prestige via my child. So we will see what repercussions unfold.

A couple of months ago, Toby and his friend were talking about the school talent showand how he was going to dance for it. At the time, they weren't even sure if it was open to first-graders. About two weeks ago, a paper came home with all the details and dates for signing up, permission slips, rehearsals, etc. Toby said no, he didn't want to be in it. I was disappointed since he is a wild, adorable dancer, but of course it was his choice, fine. I held onto the paperfor a few days, thinking he might change his mind, but eventually threw it away.

This morning at the bus stop, the friend's mother asked me if he was in the show, and I said no, he didn't want to. She responded, "that's funny, Kelly said he signed up with her." No mention of this to his parents! Permission slips were due yesterday, try-outs were today after school. For him to be able to do it, I would have to go to the school, sign a permission, write a note saying to keep him after school for try-outs, and then come back at 3o'clock with some music for him to use.

And I did it.

Yes, what should have happened was for me to do nothing, and been prepared to empathize with his disappointment at not being able to perform this year. I was driven by my own pride and desire to show him off. How much did he learn that I will save him if he drops the ball? We will see the next time this sort of situation comes up. I knew I shouldn't have, but dang, he's cute.

Boy, that grows fast!

You know those plants that seem like they've grown inches in a day? That is a weed I fertilized in my house. I said something, and literally minutes later there it was, in shining glory. So ridiculously obvious in its testing of my response. I spun around, walked in here, fuming - but as I looked at just how ridiculously obvious a ploy it was, I began to relax and loosen up. Now I am fine. The provocation got no outward response, and I end up sort of entertained by my child's spunk. Whew.

Family Meeting

Back here Toby stopped borrowing books from the library. I had a lot of feelings about that because he is a huge reader and we have been using the library vigorously for years. He's continued to read books we have at home and he brings a book home from school every day, but the potential to feed his learning both in terms of curiosity and his reading skills felt like a big loss. This weekend we went to a different library which lends toys. We had an old agreement that when he returned his books on time three times in a row, we would make a special trip to this library so he could check out toys. I suggested the idea to him that we set one day after school each week to be our standing library day, we'll go to the library that day every week. It gets him there regularly so he has several opportunities to return his books before they are due - he was enticed because I explained it would take a month or less to earn the trip to the toy library. It's still up to him to check books out and remember to bring them when we go, but this will move us back into that realm. I know there's tons of stuff there he would love to read.

The Problem Solving part of our meeting this week started with voting on the effectiveness of the two solutions for avoiding loud noise - everyone agreed that they seem to be working, so we marked that one solved. Next we addressed the computer use issue. Toby's problem was that he hasn't been allowed to use the computer this week. I said that happened because the responsibilities that we agreed on for computer use weren't being met, namely that the timer wasn't being followed. I asked if he agreed that was the real problem, and he said yes - but sitting backward in his chair with his back to me (exactly like Vicki said!). Then we each gave suggestions for how to solve that:

Dan - when the timer rings, unplug everything in the room
Toby - write a note to remind himself each time
me - start with ten minutes of computer time and each time he is successful at stopping with the timer, add five minutes

He chose his own solution and we all voted that we were willing to go along with it for the week. Then he was thrilled to get back to it! I actually don't think he wrote a note, but he did stop immediately when the timer rang, so that's fine with me.

My Appreciation for Dan this week was that he used PonT methods with Hazel the other night when she was having a tantrum, and so I felt supported by him in my efforts here.

Trying to keep everything moving

Since I eliminated computer time for the week, Toby has not had much opportunity to practice the list of screentime responsibilities we created. The couple of times he wanted to watch videos, I had to say Yes, as soon as, but he did it quickly with no grumbling. He has asked to use the computer twice, and when I responded that it was off-limits until Family Meeting, he accepted that. Without it, he has resorted to asking, "what can I do?" - a very annoying attention behavior that used to be a constant issue, but now maybe not since last fall. We just have to finish up the problem about his ears popping off, before we can delve into computer time.

This problem will require some discussion at the meeting. I will need to lay out that he couldn't use it because he was not meeting the responsibility of using the timer to limit computer time - and then ask maybe ask what the problem is with that, which we can all suggest solutions for.

I had some time this week of looking at him from an outsider's perspective. In the same pants for 3 days, God knows when last bathed, lunch bag sticky inside with spilled juice, having iced tea or one bite of a tomato for breakfast... Had some doubts, is this really right? Is he really going to come through this beautifully functional as Vicki describes? Will he eventually attune to all these things? Are people going to think we are total freaks?

We are struggling a bit with the checklists. He always says they're done but they aren't. He seems to truly think he did everything but he doesn't look at the list to remind himself or check himself. Even when he does, he'll walk right by clothes on the floor without noticing them. I have been feeling like a cop, nagging and reminding, and feel the need for some DNSN. But - when he asks me for anything, I respond with Yes, as soon as, and then we get into it over whether it's done or not. I want to be firmer about encouraging him to make the determinations of whether things have been done, but I fear he'll just say (and believe) yes when they're not - so how does progress come from that?

I have been using Keep Moving Forward a lot this week, either distraction or just continuing with my business and trying to engage the kids away from their drama. It's always drama around here that's the issue, crying, ultimatums, door slamming. I even tried once to Stop-Apologize-eat ice cream, but Toby was so assertive about giving me the silent treatment that he wouldn't let me offer him the ice cream (he ran away to his tree house). But then everybody kind of moved on within ten minutes anyway. I guess I am learning to just wait a lot of things out.

Problem Solving

Follow-up on Problem Solving: at the next Family Meeting, we asked Toby how the week of leaving the room when there is loud noise has been working for him. He said he was still having a problem outdoors, where he couldn't put a wall between himself and the noise (Hazel crying). We went around again and each gave solutions, and again Toby came up with a very reasonable suggestion which we then all agreed to try for the coming week. At first he asked if he had to give an idea - I said no, but then he would only have the ones from me and Dad to pick from (both stupid). So all in all, he did participate in the process. Since I am also using "leave the room when there is loud noise," I have a ready-made excuse to walk out on him when he is crying and yelling.

A few days ago I asked Toby to help me create a P&R for screen time (computer and TV). He listed checklist and set timer. I said I feel it is important to finish screen time by 8:30 p.m. - he can stay up later if he likes but with quiet activities. He was willing to add that to the list. Then I introduced the big R that needs development - cleaning up any previous activity. He agreed to that as well. He wrote everything on a white board that is in our kitchen. When I asked him how many days he thought he should demonstrate these Rs to me to earn his screen time, he said, "why not do it each day?" I told him I was willing to try that and see how it went. The next couple of days were fine.

I am trying out another Vicki suggestion - if I have a problem, make it their problem, to get it on the meeting agenda. Last night, the kids were using the computer, and then the timer went off (at just about 8:30). They were in the middle of a little video and of course he wanted to watch it to the end. I said no, when the timer goes off that means it is time to turn off the computer. He started crying and yelled at me that I had to promise that this same episode of the video would be on tomorrow, so he could definitely see the rest of it. I told him I had no control over that and it was time to shut it off, which I then did. More yelling and crying, then I said I did not want things to be like this, and they don't need to have computer time if it is going to lead to screaming fights. Oh, the reaction! I said no more computer time for the children, and if that is a problem for you, go put it on the Problem List and we can discuss it at Family Meeting. Boom! Off he went and wrote "I have a problem when I can never use the computer." Crisis averted. I am actually looking forward to whatever solution he is going to come up with to solve this, because it has been a long-standing recurrent problem. And more discussion of the Rs of this P.

Since that P&R discussion about spitting, I have not seen ANY. LOVE THAT. Now how can I work this around nose-picking??.....

He's right on board

My mother is visiting again. Hazel had spread some bits of change that she has, out all over the floor. My mother started picking it up for her, and Toby hollered "That"s Hazel's! She's in charge of it!"

No spitting in 3 days, that I have seen.

Spitting? Really?

Okay, so I'd been reluctant to blog about this because I found it so very distasteful: about a week ago, Toby seemed to have taken up spitting as a new habit. He was initially just doing it in the backyard, and it rapidly escalated to being fairly constant when outdoors. I was trying hard not to nourish it with attention, but I did think it was possible that he just might not know how gross people generally think this is. I said something mild after the first couple of days to the effect of "people usually don't like to see someone spitting.". I asked how he started with it, and he said he has too much saliva. I asked what he did in school to manage that, and I think he said he spits in the sink. It continued, and then I heard him do it in the house. Being carefully calm, I told him that I absolutely did not want any spitting in my house, it is disrespectful to the other people there, and if he needed to, then he could spit into the sink or a tissue. I asked if he understood and agreed, and he said yes. Yesterday he spit on Hazel. I was furious. She was upset. She got over it quickly but I certainly did not.

I gave Toby no reaction. I told Dan privately, and he said he thought a punishment was in order. I said no, we're not doing that any more, and I needed to think it over. A bit later he came to me suggesting we make Not Spitting a responsibility that goes with a privilege, like seeing friends. Yes, perfect, fits with my P&R plan exactly. Except Dan wanted to implement it immediately. I also felt a very urgent need for an immediate fix for this situation - but felt very unsettled about rushing headlong into something when we were upset, that we hadn't calmly planned out in a logical sequence. Dan had the kids himself yesterday afternoon, so he had a general conversation with T about the behaviors he considers the responsibilities of being with friends (which they were going to do). I don't know how he actually laid it out, but he said Toby did great and no spitting at all. Dan and I talked more about it last night, with the plan that I would introduce the formal P&R today. "Treating people respectfully" is one of the Rs of playing with friends.

This is what happened instead: we made plans to take Toby's friend out this afternoon, as part of her birthday gift. I asked Toby what he thought the Rs of this outing were. He said, "good behavior.". I asked what that meant and he responded, "no running, no spitting, no hurting?". That sounded great to me, so I specified no hurting of bodies or feelings, and gave him a thumbs-up. We had a great afternoon, he was perfect, and even used some of his money to buy his friend an extra snack and a souvenir.

Was he just testing out limits? I felt great that we dealt with this in a non-punitive way, thoughtfully instead of instantly with emotion. As anything, I'm sure it's not gone, but I think approaching Toby respectfully about it helped so much. I also felt that Dan and I worked together, we were each able to hear the other's needs in how we wanted to manage it.

All in under 20 minutes

Rockin' Family Meeting, once everyone finally arrived. After Appreciations where everyone said something for everyone else, Toby presented his Problem ("It feels like my ears are going to fall off when there is a loud noise, more times than you can count") and we each gave solutions:
Toby - he could leave the room
me - we could put duct tape on his ears so he doesn't have to worry about them falling off
Dan - we could all start making as much noise as possible, because when you are doing it yourself, it doesn't bother you

Toby initially chose the duct tape (!) but Dan gave it a fist because he thought taking the tape off would hurt, and the solution can't hurt anyone. So then Toby chose his own solution for the next 7 days, and I said I would also use it because when I hear loud noise I feel like my head is going to explode.

Also, I introduced the Contributions cards and we had a discussion about what each one meant in terms of actual jobs. These were all from the kids, we didn't give any suggestions:
Kitchen - wash dishes, wipe counters every evening
Dishwasher/compost - empty compost every day, empty dishwasher when clean
Dining room - set table, wipe table and vacuum under table after dinner
Laundry - either start a load or finish a load every day
Bathroom - wipe counters and floor
So interesting, some of these are way more than they have ever done. Then we picked out of a bag and Toby stuck them on the new velcro board. Can't wait to see how this goes.

Boys like fighting

Lately Hazel has been really into talking about who has a penis and who has a vulva. She was either making some jokes, or some mistakes, not totally clear. So this evening it led into a conversation with Toby about how you can tell who is a boy and who is a girl. He said hair length and clothing colors, and then we talked about people we know who contradict these stereotypes. I asked him if there were ways you could tell besides appearance, like behavior or the things a person likes to do. He responded, "boys like fighting." Now this is a kid who has zero interest in superheroes, knights, guns, war, or any of that stuff - a relatively gentle soul. I asked if he liked fighting and he said no. I asked if he knew any other boys who don't like it, and he named two boys that he plays with at recess most days. He also plays with the girls most days. This led us to talking about friendships based on common interests. It felt like a pretty substantive conversation for a 6-year-old, about sex-role stereotyping and about choosing the people one wants to spend time with. I mostly asked questions and paid very close attention to the answers. Connection plus teaching our values - felt great.

Our Family Fun activity for this weekend was chosen by Toby - the Gross-ology Festival at a nearby children's museum. We went for the festival this evening and there was plenty of interesting stuff for the children. Dan played a game on his phone a lot of the time the kids were involved in the exhibits. After we got home, I asked him how he would feel about, when the kids are older and into hand-held video games, them playing during our Family Fun time. He agreed with me that we would not want that, "and...?" He knew what was coming. I expressed that I think we need to model engagement and interest in what the kids are doing - certainly if we want them to be engaged with the family, we have to be as well. He seemed to think it's not important yet, that he could put his phone away when the kids get to that stage - I totally disagree. The point of the exercise is to connect as a family, not just go through the motions of an activity "together."

It's 9:30, we finished our bedtime routine with the kids about 45 minutes ago. They both said they weren't tired, and they have been coloring in the dining room together since then. They were told they could stay up but that parents are doing our own things now. There have been peals of laughter and no strife at all. Toby was "willing to" make sure she capped the markers and stayed at the table with them. Very nice.

Two technical changes:
- I laminated Toby's checklists so he can carry them through the house, and cross things off with dry-erase markers, as he completes the jobs. He seems psyched about it.
- I made picture cards for five Contributions (kitchen, dining room, bathroom, laundry, and dishwasher/compost). I invited the kids to help make a velcro board with each of our names where we will stick the cards we choose each week. They were both excited to do that.
So we will see how each of these systems work out over the next few weeks, if they have any impact on things actually getting done.

Ants!

First of all, I want to shout: HE DID IT!!! The report - which is due tomorrow, which he hasn't mentioned since Monday when he said he was going to start working on it, which this afternoon he didn't even know what it was supposed to include - is DONE. Fire ants:



If you can enlarge the photo, check out that super nasty hand infection on the far right. Anyway, apparently the teacher reminded the class today and he remembered after school. I tried to stay as uninvolved as possible until he asked me for some specific help with the computer. I had not mentioned anything about it all week, and the tension was really mounting today. I even started a blog post this morning about it being the last day he could do it, but figured I'd wait and see if it happened. I had all sorts of images in my mind of his major melodrama in school tomorrow when the teacher questioned him not having it, steeling myself against judgement from other parents at not making sure he was on top of it - anyway, this was a pretty big success for me. I'd say the amount I meddled was easily 10% of how much I would have been directing his work last year.

After this week's show on Problem Solving, I decided that I must not be sending the children to the Problem List often enough. There hasn't been anything on it for months. I resolved to use that strategy whenever things got hairy, and guess what? It worked! Three times in the past 2 days, when the kids were crying about something, I invited them to put their issue on the Problem List. Toby did actually write something and achieved No Name, No Blame: "My ears feel like they are going to fall off when there is a loud noise" (Hazel's crying). I offered Hazel magazines to cut out a picture of why she was upset, and they spent an hour peacefully clipping together. All three times, the crying and fighting immediately stopped. How many times can I do this before they catch on? There have been some whopping magazine-snip piles, but I guess that's pennies to pay for a more peaceful household.

Goal!

Toby did it: he wore clean clothes on five consecutive school days. This earns him the privilege of picking what he wants to wear. I am not convinced that we are finished with this, it was much harder for him than I had expected. Therefore five days is probably not enough to ingrain the habit. So we'll see - I am out of it for now. Gently moving on to the next thing...

Charity

Interesting, yesterday was the first time Toby said he didn't want to come to Family Meeting. On Saturday, he had gotten six gold dollar coins from his grandmother for Passover (each cousin got the number of their age), so on Sunday he said he already had six dollars and didn't need to come to the meeting. I made sure he understood that those were a different six dollars, and he would still get his allowance. We told him that no one had to come to the meeting, we would have it whether he came or not - but what would happen if we didn't have our timekeeper? Things could get all crazy. He responded that someone else could do it, but we told him each person had a job already and each person is important to the smooth running of the meeting. Eventually he decided that he would come, and he participated enthusiastically. I was surprised by his lack of interest solely based on money, since he's been so vigorous in his use of the Appreciations board, and that he felt so flush that he just wasn't interested in getting his allowance. I forgot to say that if he wasn't there, we would choose his Contributions for him. That's a big incentive.

Dan and I decided to do a Walk-Against-Hunger fundraiser, and we invited Toby to participate. He agreed, so I set up a web page for him on the organization's site, where people can make contributions to sponsor him and it keeps track of the money he's raised. Seeing it all set up got him motivated, and he was willing to write a personal email request for sponsorship that I sent out to our friends and family:

We are walking 3 miles to rase monny for hongry pepol. Can you pleese send some monny thank-you from:Toby

He also wrote a thank-you email which I have been sending out as the donations arrive:

Thanks for donating monny to walk-agenst-hunger [name]!
From:Toby

He's gotten over $400 in just a few days. So much positive reinforcement for his effort! People are very happy to support a child who is doing something for others. Three miles is a lot for him, so we're planning some "training" to build up his stamina - just like Dad getting ready for his 40-mile/day, week-long bike trip in May. I invited Toby to contribute some of his own money, and he said he had already raised a lot so he didn't need to do that. Then I invited him to sponsor me, since I don't have any sponsors yet, but no luck so far.

On the theme of charitable acts and contributions, I also tried talking with him about what causes might be important to him to support. His favorite animal is the turtle, so we decided to look into Save-the-Turtles organizations sometime.

One area where I am struggling is in trying to decide how much help is reasonable to give. For example, a paper came home from school, addressed to the parents, about a report that Toby has due this Friday. I asked him to read it to me, and asked how he thought he would go about doing it. "I don't know." Okay, I just let that sit - refrained from offering all sorts of suggestions. Days went by, the paper was getting buried on the counter, I knew he had forgotten all about it. I asked him again if he had thought about how he would like to do his report, or how he was going to remember when it was due. Nope. I suggested he give it some thought and said this was the last time I was going to mention it. Days later, still nothing. As I feel myself getting tense about it, I think, the kid's only six years old, he needs some parental involvement, a bit firmer nudging with open-ended questions or something. Then I think, the kid's only six, how bad can it be for him to show up without his report? Better for him to experience it now than in middle school or high school - maybe living the experience will teach him to pay attention to his assignments. I don't know.