Bait and switch

I was in the dining room with Hazel, and the guys were in the other part of the house. Hazel went to see them, and when she came back to me, I asked what they were doing. She said Toby was doing computer games, and Dan was on the treadmill downstairs. I immediately got all in a flurry, mad at both of them that Toby was doing computer before his checklist was done. I debated confronting the situation now vs. holding it until Family Meeting, an hour later. I fumed about how to talk about it. After deciding that I would hold myself in check and just read all the established Agreements at the meeting, I walked to the bedroom. Toby was not there. I assumed he had walked away from the computer for a minute, and looked at the screen. Black. Then my eyes drifted downward... I had totally forgotten that the computer tower was in the shop to get a new CD drive. Hazel had just made it up! And set me off on such an internal whirlwind. I did in fact review the Agreements at the meeting, mostly for Dan's benefit, but also got to have an interesting conversation with Hazel about what I saw compared to what she was saying.

Button: nose-pick-and-eat!!!!!!!!!!!!! Totally unbearable to observe. I find myself leaving the room often.

Discussion with Dan about whether he is participating in this effort. I really didn't know what his stance was, if he was sort of trying to cooperate, or just not at all interested. He said that he was willing to go along to the extent of not disrupting what I'm doing, but he doesn't want to review the whole course. I think he was getting ready for my criticisms or an attack. I told him that whatever he wants to do is fine with me, just that if he wants to be helping, I can give him a few quick pieces of how we are supposed to be interacting with the kids differently, to remind him. He agreed to that and seemed relieved that I wasn't mad about his lack of enthusiasm. So the main points for him:
1- ignore the behaviors that you don't want to happen
2- don't remind
3- invite, don't direct

I tried something with Toby today that worked well. It is not really in line with PonT, but maybe a good transition tool. I needed the house picked up in anticipation of the cleaning person, and Toby had belongings all over the house - due to my Not Interfering all week. At Family Meeting, I told everyone I needed help with this today. I asked Toby if he would like a list of what I want him to do, and he said yes. I wrote down everything of his that I saw in each room, and he worked steadily, crossing things off as he went. Afterwards, I asked him how this strategy worked for him, and he agreed that it was better than my telling him each item, which feels much more like nagging. We also made a date for a game of Othello after the clean-up, and got to have a little one-on-one time.

A success and updates

A success! This morning Dan was in charge, and I told him about trying to encourage Hazel to get down from the bed herself. There is a foam cushion on the side rail of the bed on one side, to protect from falling onto a hard edge. I heard after the fact: when she started asking to be carried down, he moved her over to the padded side, with lots of crying and protesting like yesterday. He walked to that side of the bed to assist/push her, while she moved back to the other side of the bed. Toby, meanwhile, had removed the padding and was trying to attach it to the side of the bed that Hazel wanted to use. During this activity, she sat on the edge of the bed and jumped down to a pillow on the floor! She created her own way of doing it, different from what we had been trying to teach her, and tried it out on her own terms. And my boy was trying to help her with her own goal. Rockin'!

I wanted mention a skill that Hazel has been doing regularly, that I was already encouraging gently without a lot of thought to PonT methods. She pees in her little potty usually twice a day, usually on her own initiative. She will run to the bathroom from another part of the house, take off her pants and diaper, pee, wipe, carry the potty to the toilet to dump it, and flush. She does pee in her diaper most of the time. After we get back from a vacation in February, I will try some more vigorous training - probably several days at home in just underpants.

I have been successful at Not Interfering with Toby waking up in the morning for school this week. There was that day I expected him to oversleep when he woke at 6:30, then a day where he woke up naturally at 7:15, a day off from school but he woke up to my alarm at 6:30, yesterday he woke up naturally at 7:05, and today he slept through the alarm for several minutes and woke up on his own around 6:50. So it seems that even if he forgets to set his alarm, or he sleeps through an alarm, he still gets up in time to get ready for school. Great information.

Toby's checklists have been getting done sporadically. In the mornings, he's still pretty regularly doing 6 of 8, and occasionally more. His bedmaking has improved dramatically. The quality of his breakfasts has plummetted, but at least he's putting something into his stomach (bunny crackers and limeade). In the evenings, he is very consistent with his school-related stuff and his bedtime routine, but practicing piano and doing his contribution are about 50%. There's a load of laundry that came out of the dryer 2 days ago, still not folded in the basket in the laundry room. In general, for very little specific incentive, I think he's doing a lot. The only P&R connected to the checklists is screen time, which he hasn't been using every day. It certainly seems to be true, what Vicki says, that there is much less mischief in the house when kids have a lot of jobs to do.

Something that I am coming to understand is that I get extremely frustrated and angry when Toby does not do house-related responsibilities that he knows are supposed to get done. Things like clearing dishes, putting food away, cleaning up after preparing food, throwing trash in the garbage pail, or wiping up spills. I was asking Dan for support in calming myself down last night, so that I could avoid expressing the anger to Toby - and he reminded me that what Toby is and isn't doing is fairly age-appropriate. That it is simply not realistic to expect him to clean up after himself all the time, to remember all this stuff. Regardless of where he is in relation to other kids, or to my desires, what I need to focus on are progress and improvement. I need to remember that his development trumps a clean house.

Kids on board

Hazel had her first-ever dentist appointment yesterday, and they gave her some stickers at the end. She fell asleep in the car on the way home. Hours later, after waking and being inside for a while, she asked where the stickers were. We decided to go look in the car. Only problem was, she was wearing just a shirt. I told her that when she had her diaper and pants on, we could go look for the stickers. She got the diaper on, then ran to the door and put on boots and said she was ready. I opened the door to the garage and a big gust of cold air came in, right on those chubby little naked legs. She immediately said, "Not ready!" I assumed she was going to get pants, but no - she said she needed pacifiers!

Some time ago Hazel had been wanting to change her own poopy diapers, which really confounded me. I went through some effort of trying to help her wipe her own bum without getting poop all over the place when I took the diaper off. Also had several episodes of her taking the poopy diaper off herself, and of course then there was poop all over the place. Now my approach is, "When you poop in your potty, you can wipe your own tush." So hilarious, this morning she threw some orange on the floor and then asked for some chocolate milk. Toby hollered, "As soon as you pick up the orange!"

Toby seems to think that his checklist is just for after dinner. Yesterday he spent hours playing, and then got too tired to do anything else, before he got around to folding his laundry - which Hazel had strewn all around the bedroom since he left the basket on the floor. With some help from dad, he at least got it all back in the basket before collapsing in bed. This morning he proudly came to me about 20 minutes before he had to go out for the bus, saying his checklist was done already. He started to read, and I did say, "oh, hey, now that you have some extra time, there is that basket of laundry in the bedroom that you ran out of time for last night..." He went off to deal with it. I had given him a folding lesson yesterday, while I took care of Hazel's clothes. He came to me to ask for a refresher on shirts, then folded all his own laundry and put it away! I asked him how it went and he said, "Great!" He also made his bed about the neatest ever. I commented that the lines on the comforter (horizontal and vertical seams) were the straightest I'd ever seen them.

I blabbed a little this morning about getting my have-to stuff done before any want-to stuff, so I can see how much time I have available for want-to stuff after my responsibilities are done. Like right now, for instance. Now to keep my trap closed.

I left Hazel on the big bed this morning when I went out to the kitchen for breakfast. She hollered and cried for me to come get her down. After a while, I went to her and said "I'm sure you can figure this out, I've seen you do it." I kissed her and left. More vigorous crying for several minutes. I came back and said, "I'm not going to carry you down, but I can teach you how to do it." Hollering and protesting. I climbed down from the bed myself, toddler-style, then invited her to try, of course crying and protesting. Then I physically turned her body and slid her down the edge of the bed on her belly, put her feet on the ledge, and then down to the floor. She continued to cry for a few more minutes from the trauma - but tomorrow I won't be so generous.

Feeling better!

I had nothing to do with any of this, I swear!

Exhausted

It is about 7 p.m. I have been having a tough time today. Toby's backpack is outside by the swingset, on the ground, and it's pitch black out. He didn't eat dinner. Laundry that he put in the washer last night hasn't made it to the dryer yet. He hasn't even looked at his checklist to jog his memory about any of those things.

Locking myself in the bathroom when Hazel is crying feels horrible. I suppose she has learned how much I respond to her crying - but it still feels like she's a baby who needs a response to develop a sense of security. Right now she's walking around naked with a stapler in her hand. She said she has to poop so I am afraid to put my attention anywhere else. Locking the kids out when they are hysterical feels like I am telling them to stuff the expression of their feelings, that I am not there for them unless they behave the way I want. It does not feel like being "emotionally available" which is supposed to be the whole point. Earlier today she came out to the car in a shirt and diaper - it is 35 degrees. She wanted her pants pretty quick. I found another big button - wasting time. We were in danger of missing a scheduled activity for her, but not one I have paid for, and it has little value for me - but I was crawling out of my skin trying to get her going out the door. I just couldn't stand futzing around for an hour and a half with nothing to show for it. Maybe I need to focus on using my own time in a way that feels worthwhile and let her time fall where it falls.

I made some initital lists of skills they do, they can do but don't, and that they can't yet do. The ones I picked to make progress on this week are: Toby - putting dishes in the dishwasher; Hazel - getting down from the big bed herself. They have each done these things before but love to insist they can't. To encourage without Interfering Strategies - I could ask Toby HOW he would like to get his dishes clean, or how we can get dinner cleaned up together. I think for Hazel I just have to leave the room and wait for her elsewhere, she'll climb down eventually.

I asked Toby how I should talk to him when there is something I want him to do - he said, "Not angry." Woah, that slaps me right in the face. I asked for more and he said, "just ask me to do it." So later I asked for his help with this, that when I am using an angry voice could he tell me I am doing it, so I can stop and think about it and decide how else to do it? He said he would. I told him I couldn't promise it would always help, but I think it will help a lot of the time. Then I proceeded to politely ask him to clean up about 10 things.

Off to encourage Hazel to get into pajamas.

Yank

Oh, dear. I just yanked a wooden stick out of Toby's hand and said "You should know better than that!" He was hitting Hazel on the head - but she did have a plastic container on as a helmet. I don't think I was concerned about her getting hurt, more just really not liking him acting violently toward her. He started to cry that I had hurt his hand. I took a deep breath, asked to see it, kissed it and apologized.

Then Hazel started to cry when I told her she needed to put on a diaper, after about an hour of naked time. So frustrated. I excused myself from both of them and came in here to wind down. Toby came in to read something to me and Hazel ran in to show me she had put on her diaper. Now Toby wants help with the V-slicer - was it really a good idea to introduce him to that thing?

A little more minutiae

My father and stepmother were visiting and I spent a lot of time talking about what I've been doing in terms of Parenting on Track. This morning, though, I couldn't help myself (button?) and asked Toby to put on a clean shirt for school - he'd been in that one for two days and nights. Let's see... Belief: people in dirty clothes are slobs, and kids in dirty clothes have neglectful parents. Consequence: no friends, ostracized, judged. Disputation: kids are in dirty clothes all the time, they can barely get through an activity or a meal and keep their clothes clean. All kids. Encouragement: instilling a sense of competence in my kids is more important than their clothing. He will develop an awareness of when clean clothes are a priority as he matures. He doesn't smell, and neither do I. He is an awesome kid, and interesting people sometimes pay less attention to superficial attributes. That's a good long list.

Last night there was serious dawdling with the lunch-making (although he did remember to do it himself) and he didn't get to bed until about ten o'clock! Since I had committed to not waking him in the morning, I predicted very late wake-up and maybe even missing the bus. But at 6:30 he came out of his room! Without an alarm. How did that happen?

Toby asked me to make him some hot chocolate milk this morning. I encouraged him to do it himself, since we had put everything he needed in easy reach. He said he couldn't open the microwave (not exactly true, but it is difficult for him) - so I said I would do that part if he did the rest. Which he did. Win/win. We also made a plan to keep a mug with the chocolate powder, within easy reach, that is his to use.

Next he asked for help making his bed, again. I said sure and talked him through it, with some resistance and complaining that I wasn't helping. When he got it basically done, he asked me if it was okay - I asked what he thought, and he said, "I think it's great!"

And he got out the door on time, teeth brushed, with a lunch - with grandparents visiting! That's a big step.

As soon as he got off the bus this afternoon, he asked if Kelly could come over. I answered, "Since you haven't talked to me about a plan for cleaning up snack and toys, the answer has to be no, for now." He began to protest that they wouldn't have a snack today, so I said, "Let's go inside and talk about a plan." He started to cry and asked if she could come over after that. I said, "Yes! As soon as you decide on a clean-up plan, she can come over." He calmed right down and as soon as we walked in the door, he proposed taping a note to the dining room doorframe. He got busy doing that and now they are happily playing together. I wrote the agreement in the Family Meeting book, and he said, "I knew you were going to do that!"

It looks like we'll be working on the minutiae for a little while, but I am seeing improvements every day. It feels great to hand over decision-making responsibility to him, and follow through with respecting his choices.

Dinner Party

Family Meeting today: Toby had his Appreciations for everyone ready on the board, Hazel was too tired to say anything, and Toby picked doing laundry on his own initiative for Contributions. Again, Problem List blank! I have been waiting for Toby to come to me with an issue so I could suggest writing it there, but that hasn't happened. Things have been going fairly smoothly.

Last night we had several people over for dinner and the kids were great. They both stayed at the table for the meal, made very little mess, and interacted with the adults. There was no asking for different food, no yelling, and no throwing. Both played with the visiting children (kids they didn't know) inclusively and generously. I was very pleased. When Hazel brought her dishes to the kitchen counter, and came into the dining room with the Dustbuster after dinner, with no adult prompting - our guests were quite impressed!

My main difficulty is maintaining control over my own behavior - NOT reminding, NOT nagging. When I see clothes on the floor, or things I know Toby is supposed to bring to school - it takes a lot of willpower to keep my mouth shut. The library books did finally make it back to the library - Dan invited Toby to go with him yesterday (and reminded him to bring his money for the late fine, arg). When they got home I asked Toby if he took out new books. He said no, that he needed to think about how he could remember to get them back on time! His late fines were $4.50, most of his allowance.

I have been having a hard time staying calm about the mess he makes when his friend comes over - this week she was over three times. They get themselves a snack and usually run off to play, leaving everything out on the table and food scattered across the floor. Several times I have had comversations with Toby (and sometimes his friend) about the responsibilities that go along with the privilege of having a friend over, a.k.a. cleaning up. The other day I sat down with him and asked how he would like to make sure that happens. He didn't have any suggestions, so I asked him to think about it and when he comes up with a solution to try, we could invite Kelly over and see how it works. So an evil, sly way of saying she can't come over until he proposes a strategy to clean up the mess. Was that bad? It does put the ball in his court, but maybe this is too much to ask without problem-solving training. We'll see.

We had a spectacular connection today over some kitchen science experiments. I saw a book at the library called "Science Experiments You Can Eat" and we tried one that used red cabbage water as an acid-base indicator. Gorgeous colors when you mix different things into the cabbage water. He loved it. He made predictions and a chart for his findings.

A simple goal for this week: let the morning wake-up play out without inteference.

Stuck Buttons

I've been feeling kind of stuck on Buttons - I get the buttons, oh boy, but I'm not convinced that the problem is my disproportionate worst-case-scenario beliefs about how these things will play out in my children's lives. I think I just freak out about messes because I can't stand living in a messy environment, it's my own compulsion to have things tidy - and believe me, I'm not even that neat. I tried to play it out and maybe I think a messy person will grow up to be a disorganized and therefore unsuccessful adult? Could be, but I still don't think that's why it gets such an emotional response out of me.

Activating Event, Belief, Consequence, Disputation, Encouragement
If I look at A-B-C-D-E and don't think the B and C are a big deal, then it's kind of like D already happened, and I can go ahead with E. Meaning, if I am aware of my Buttons, can I just step back and remind myself it's not a big deal, and choose to react less dramatically? Is this functionally the same? It saves my kids from my blow-outs, which is the point, yes?

Toby re-created his evening checklist yesterday and made it much longer, by adding things he does every night that weren't on there. He loves to print it in many bright colors. This week he has continued to do several things for himself that were new during DNSN, without comment. Yesterday he put all his laundry away without my saying anything about it. Some of the checklist items are getting skipped regularly though - I'm going to leave that for later, when we get up to Privileges & Responsibilities.

I have been experimenting with Hazel and refraining from telling her to do things. If I just say, "It's time to go," and head out to the car, she puts on her shoes and coat and follows - I usually do not have to tell her to, which had been automatic. She's mostly washing her own body in the bath, and she can get her diaper, pants, and socks on when she wants to. Now that things are calmer than last week, I'm looking for more ways to encourage her to be self-sufficient. Looking for more ways that I have been assuming she can't, when maybe she can.

Another thought on Buttons - part of my concern about people doing want-to stuff before have-to stuff is that the have-to stuff might not get done - and I might have to do it. I'll do some experimenting with those feelings too - if I know I am not going to pick up other people's pieces, then perhaps their choice of priorities won't fire me up as much.

Library books

After school yesterday, Toby asked a friend over. I gave them a 10-minute clean-up warning before it was time for her to go home. He opted not to use much of the 10 minutes for putting away toys, so he had a lot left to do after his friend was gone. He had his laundry to do, his checklist (homework, lunch, piano), and his contribution of cleaning the kitchen after dinner. There was much dawdling so he didn't get to bed until well past nine. Did not wake up to the alarm this morning. As I left for 7 o'clock yoga, Dan asked me if he should just let him sleep. I haven't really been able to let that one play all the way out yet. Hazel is everyone's alarm clock, Dan sent her in to Toby's room at some point.

Last night I asked Toby if he had come up with a solution to try for getting his piano books to class. He decided on his own that he would put them in my car before school. When I asked how he thought he would remember, he added it to his morning checklist. The glitch was that I had taken the car to yoga! I am bringing them today and am actually supposed to use Dan's car if he isn't (hybrid), so that shouldn't be a problem in the future.

Tuesday Toby forgot his school library book, so he didn't get to take out another one. He brought this up after school - I don't know if he took it to school today. I was at the public library yesterday and asked the childrens' librarian about chronic late-returners. She said they might have their borrowing privileges revoked. I told Toby about that later, but so far no movement toward getting those books back.

I think Toby and I are both starting to get used to "let me teach you" as my response whenever he asks me to do something for him. I have also been just doing the one piece of the task that is tough for him, and he does the rest. It feels like a bit of a rest from DNSN, and like a cooperative compromise.

I think it will take a long time of Not Reminding before he will do a lot of these things on his own. For 11 weeks, I can bear it, to see what changes can happen through the Program in that short period. Thinking of living in a mess for potentially years is brutal. Prioritizing long-term goals over short-term relief is tough.

Activating Events

Now I am trying to find a balance between doing and saying nothing, and having a livable household. I was keenly aware of how many times I reminded Toby to clean up after himself in the past couple of days. Choosing not to clean up after him was not as hard. He did come to me in his underwear this morning, distressed that he had no pants to wear. I asked him what he was going to do about that, and he said he didn't know. I offered a couple of options to consider (because this is brand-new to him): wear dirty pants or try to figure out if he had time to do laundry before he had to leave. Then we found a lone clean pair in the back of the closet, so his distress disappeared. I said, "what are you going to do tomorrow?" He asked me to do the laundry, and I said, "how about if we do it together after school?" He was agreeable to that (and I think relieved that he wasn't going to have to do it alone). Later, Dan asked me if he should put the kids' wash in, and when I told him Toby and I had a date to do it, he said not knowing what is okay to do means he won't be able to do as many chores...

Hazel threw a wipe-up cloth at me after her meal and I caught it - she said "good catch, Mom!" I thought that was kind of cute and told Dan about it, and he asked me what I did next. "Nothing." "So it's okay for her to throw if you catch it?" I responded no, that I am trying to ignore the behaviors that I do not want to see. It seems like he doesn't remember some of the basic stuff from watching the Home Program last year - and he's not so motivated to relearn it now. I think there are definitely Activating Events for him that he truly believes need an immediate, big response - that the possibility of rethinking the situation seems pointless, because of course this is the kind of response those behaviors need. I have been trying more and more, when I feel my tension building and my patience dwindling, to remove myself and take a breather - or to ask myself whose problem it is really going to be if the situation escalates (usually not mine). A big activating event for me is when everyone is asking me to do things for them, one after another, faster than I can fulfill the requests - if I don't lose it, I at least get pissed off and bitchy. Huge messes that are getting worse by the moment. Rudeness, especially to strangers. Doing "want-to" stuff before "have-to" stuff. Not saying and kissing hello and goodbye - this doesn't send me through the roof but it makes me feel like something is incomplete, makes me feel viscerally uncomfortable. Thoughtlessness about safety, especially Hazel's - huge one. This is the one that interferes with some training and allowing skill-building, I am just so fearful of the kids getting hurt (like last night when Toby was using the V-slicer without any adult helping or even aware, or when he climbed up on a chair that Hazel was already standing on, while he was holding a knife).

So...
What will it take for my kids to take care of their own needs, as able? (working on it)
What will it take for my kids to clean up after themselves?
To be polite?
To fulfill their responsibilities?
To be mindful of safety?
To consider other people's feelings?

We have been Appreciating these things in Family Meetings, as they occur. The way I decided to try to foster gratitude since the holidays is to be very intentional about thank-yous and you're welcomes - to look the child in the eye with attention each and every time either of us says those things, to really mean it every single time. Hazel has been spontaneous and generous with these (and please, excuse me, and sorry) on her own, but Toby rarely says these things without prompting. It seems like he has started using those more on his own over the past few weeks - I have high hopes for next December!

That's a tiny chip in the Big Picture. I think we're modelling all these things regularly, but somehow we have to hand over the control of when and how and whether those things happen, to them.

Normalizing?

Our ski trip got cancelled because the friends we were travelling with had a death in the family, and we had small-child and broken-toe issues that were going to be difficult to deal with anyway. That means that our DNSN week ended prematurely and we have two days at home before the next show. So we're trying out what it looks like to expect Toby to do what he can, and to share work.

He spontaneously took care of several things today that he previously always asked to be done for him, like getting drinks, his breakfast, and now he's changing the batteries in one of his toys. We divided the dinner clean-up jobs, and he actually got excited to wipe the counters with his spray bottle and microfiber cloth. He did ask me to help make his bed again, and I said "sure" and sat in his room, giving tips while he did it. He asked me if it was good, and I asked him what he thought - "It's great!" He said I wasn't helping, and my reply was that I was helping by teaching him how to do it without needing help. Overall, he did more things for himself, and was more receptive and cooperative when asked to do things. Breakfast dishes were still on the table at dinner though!

One persistent problem I haven't mentioned yet is Hazel at bedtime. I have no idea what to do about this. She won't go to bed until Toby does and usually is very loud and boisterous for a long time after lights out. She often jumps out of bed and runs out of the room. She had a fabulous nap and bedtime routine going for a long time, where we nursed and then I put her down awake but drowsy, and she fell asleep herself when I left the room. That all just suddenly evaporated when we moved her into a bed - new-found freedom! This was months ago, I don't remember when, and following her lead. And ever since, she has demanded an adult in bed with her to fall asleep - if we get up, she gets up. It's annoying and exhausting. I often fall asleep and miss my evening. I can't figure out what it could possibly take to get her to stay in bed.

Recital Day

It feels like it has been a huge day. We had our Family Meeting this morning, and an established rule for our meetings is Nothing on the Table. Anything has become a distraction, something to fight over, etc. But of course today the table was covered with dishes, food, and other random junk. So I told Toby that we had to clean the table before the meeting. He asked if I would help him, and I said I would put away Hazel's things and family things (about 3 items). He cleared his dishes and toys. When everything was off the table but it still had a lot of food on it, I said maybe we didn't need to wipe it, we just needed the space. He laughed and said, "Of course we need to wipe it." When I invited him to do it, he said he didn't want to, that he had cleared the dishes. My response was that they were all his dishes and this looked like all his food, as it was all around his place at the table. He started to cry and stormed away, yelling, "that's too much work for one person!" I called after him loudly, "I agree with you." He came back, looking at me curiously. I repeated that I agreed with him that it was too much work for one person, and asked him who he thought usually does it. When he didn't answer, I said that I usually did it and I thought it was too much for one person too - and that's why I need his help all the time. I said that was one part of why we were doing DNSN Week, so he could see what happens when I am not cleaning up after everyone all the time. Then I wiped the table, to show that we are in this together. He seemed to hear me, and got ready for Meeting. I could not have been more thrilled that it came out of his mouth first!

At our family meeting, I appreciated Toby for being an amazingly good sport about DNSN week. I acknowledged all the new things he's done and learned this week, and how little resistance he displayed. And I thanked him.

For our family Appreciations, Hazel (yes, she does them too) usually appreciates me for breastfeeding her, and Dan and Toby for watching videos with her. Today she said she had fun with me during her bath, and Had fun playing a game with Daddy. She didn't say anything for Toby and he couldn't think of anything for her. I offered that if they could come up with something together that they had done that they enjoyed, then they could each use it as their Appreciation for the other. After a little while, Toby decided that making pumpkin bread together was fun, and she agreed.

As there were no problems on the Problem List, we joked about what a perfect family we are (ha, ha).

Toby was looking for a plate and said, "there are no plates! There are no cups!" I told him that's because they were all piled up dirty on the counter. He asked why no one washed them and I said it's DNSN Week. He took a plate out of the dishwasher and said, "this looks pretty clean."

Later, I told him I needed to go to the library to return my books and asked if he wanted to come. His books are now over a week late. He said no. When it was time for me to leave, I asked again. He asked me why I was going, and I told him because I didn't want my books to be late, because I didn't want to pay a fine. He asked if I would return his books and I said, "if you come with me." He chose not to. When I got home I told him I had thought more about it, and since the fine is so small that is not really why I want to get them back in time. I want to get them back because that is the agreement I've made with the library and I want to keep my agreement. This conversation made me realize that motivators which seem self-evident to me may not be relevant to him.

Today was Toby's first-ever piano recital. We did read over the instruction sheet and he asked if his clothes looked sloppy. I pointed out some of his breakfast on his shirt. Before we left, he changed into a clean shirt with a collar ("like Daddy wears to work") - whew. He was the first performer at the recital and made a few mistakes - he hasn't practiced in a few days (despite some hopefully subtle encouragement). Again we had to overrule DNSN to stay through the whole show, to be respectful of the other musicians. I did tell him that if he couldn't be quiet, he would have to leave the room, although we were staying for the whole thing. Out in the public arena, DNSN is barely conceivable.

It was thrilling for me to see him up there. My mother had asked me how I was going to congratulate him if I couldn't praise. What I told her, and what I did, was ask lots of questions - what was it like up there in front of so many people? How did you feel like it went? Would you do it again? Would you do everything the same? I said I was so glad he enjoyed it. He was pleased and proud. It was so hard to keep the other stuff from coming out of my mouth!!

I have also been thinking about what Vicki said on the show last week about parents choosing to get down into a tantrum with their child. It connects to my ambivalence about when and how to respond to Hazel's crying. My intuitive response is to comfort, console, sometimes try to fix the problem, and at the very least keep a sort of vigil. Now that I have been consciously removing myself from tantrums and crying episodes, I see that my belief about it is: staying present with my child while they are having a rough time shows them I care about them, that I will not abandon them or push them away if I don't like their behavior. And this puts me in a delicate position of trying to gauge each episode for its authenticity, or its manipulative potential.

And the main event of the day... CLEAN-UP!! Toby agreed to take on cleaning the kitchen as his contribution for this week, and he got a crash course this afternoon. I told him that we needed to clear everything off the counter and table surfaces so we could clean them, and each thing we take off belongs somewhere. Then he was in charge of deciding where things belonged (garbage, cabinet, dishwasher, playroom, etc.). We all worked on it together and it took a long time. I suddenly felt the whole week of suppressing my disgust and intolerance for mess, rearing back up at me - so I wasn't entirely jovial throughout the process, I got a little desperate to get everything accomplished. The kitchen and dining room were such big jobs that we decided no more cleaning for today. We all congratulated each other a a good, big job done and gave hugs. To wrap up the experience, we talked a bit about now that DNSN is over, what can we agree Toby will do for himself and what will we agree to help him with. It felt substantial and I have high hopes for some of it sticking with him.

Me Do It

During our visit with friends yesterday, I asked Toby to tell one of them about what's been going on at our house this week. This friend has two children, ages 9 and 11. Here's how the conversation went:

T: It's Do Nothing, Say Nothing week.
F: What does that mean?
T: It means Mom doesn't do anything for me, I have to do things myself.
Me: And it means I don't nag you, remind you of things, or tell you what to do.
F: So how has that been?
T: Good.
F: What have you been doing?
T: The other day, I forgot to make my lunch for school-
F (to me): He makes his own lunch?
Me: Yes.
T: -and I woke up in the middle of the night to make it and I couldn't go back to sleep.
F: What do you put in your lunch?
T: Apple, red pepper, Cheerios, cantaloupe-
F (to me): But it's all cut up already, right?
Me: No.
F: Wow, I have to find out more about this!

I told Dan that although we are cleaning up the house today, I am planning to continue DNSN for the whole week, until Monday night, however that can be accommodated in the context of our ski trip. He has a lot of concern about burdening other people with this endeavor - other people out in restaurants, for example, and especially the other family that we are travelling with. I don't know what DNSN might look like out of our own house, so I'll just play it by ear.

Hazel has been on a huge "me do it" kick, except for -of course- cleaning up. She has figured out how to bring her little red stepstool to reach:
the hot water faucet in the bathroom
all the bottles and tubes on the counter and in the drawer (which she thinks must be toothpaste, eyedrops, or hair spray)
knives on the kitchen counter
Sharpie permanent markers and sharp scissors in the desk drawer
the stove
the water dispenser on the refrigerator

When I was in the shower yesterday, I suddenly noticed that she was eating Toby's flouride toothpaste. Today she brought me a cloth diaper that she had dunked in the toilet. I found her washing a nightlight (right next to an inviting outlet). Child-proofing has suddenly taken on an urgent new face. I have to think about how to create a safe environment for her to develop her independence. For now we have put a child-proof doorknob cover on the bathroom.

Our kitchen just before clean-up:

Cantaloupe

Last night I noticed Dan picking up pieces of cantaloupe off the counter and putting them in the compost bowl. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was taking the compost out. I told him that I think it will take the mess getting worse before Toby feels its impact on his own life, enough to respond to it. But we have to clean up tomorrow, and I don't think things will get bad enough by then, so I guess there's no tangible effect. This is what's hard about not being totally on the same page in this endeavor.

Toby 5 out of 8 for the morning.

These are some of the training needs I've especially noticed this week:
- eating without making a big mess
- speaking politely to people out in the world
- cleaning up after himself
- dishwashing


I've also been thinking about what I can do to encourage Toby to dress appropriately for his recital tomorrow. I know Vicki is latching right on to the word "appropriately" and I admit this is my value, certainly not his. However, I feel like it's an expression of respect for the other performers, his teacher, and himself. The teacher sent home an information sheet with instructions for accompaniment, time and location, bringing sheet music, etc. and it says "Dress for the recital does not have to be formal, but please do not dress in immodest or sloppy clothing. The appearance of the performer is always an important part of the performance."

My plan is to ask him to go over the sheet with me and then maybe look at his clothes together. I already had a conversation with him a few days ago, in some other context, about how people wear different kinds of clothes in different situations, depending on what they want to project about themselves. Luckily, since I have not been doing his laundry all week, he only has a few choices left.

DNSN kind of went out the window this afternoon. I had the opportunity to see an old friend who lives out of the country, on the spur of the moment for a short visit - along with another old mutual friend who has a 3-week-old baby. Very high priority for me, and to make it happen I needed to do some directing. It worked out well and Toby was unusually patient and cooperative. Then we went out to dinner and I really felt like we had to control some behavior that was disruptive to the other diners. I already had table manners on my list of training needs for both kids and we have started a bit of it. Maybe we can't go out to eat for a while until we set it up as a more rigorous Privileges & Responsibilities item and make some progress. However, we will be away from home a few times in the coming weeks and restaurants will not be avoidable. A longer-term goal, then. For now, dessert is earned by staying in one's chair through the meal, not making any intentional messes, pleasant and polite behavior, and (specifically for Hazel) no throwing.

I'm tired.

Ice cream success and soup

This morning was again a 6 out of 8 for Toby's checklist, pajamas and clothes on the floor being the exceptions. I'm finding they bother me a lot less than usual, don't understand that. I looked over the lists from the first day, of their behaviors to ignore and mine to stop. We've all been doing pretty well - there actually haven't been a lot of those behaviors from them, other than completely outrageous food mess and a lot of asking things to be done for them. Definitely the reminding is the hardest thing for me to stop doing, that keeps peeking out, but mostly it's under control. This evening Toby did 5 out of 7 checklist items - piano and contribution not done, and I kept my agenda to myself.

Our kitchen is unbelievable. There may be about three square feet of counter space left that is not covered with packages, dishes, cutting boards, food mess, and papers. I can't believe how calm I have been able to stay when I go in there - I just sort of hold my head and turn away. I truly don't think Toby sees it, notices it, or thinks it has anything to do with him. My suspicion is that when he can't find any counter space to use to make his food, he might start a conversation that leads him to some sort of clean-up.

I'm finding that this is turning into a very productive week for training for Toby. Whenever he has been confronted with the need for a skill he doesn't have yet, he has asked me to teach him. Tonight he wanted me to cut up a cantaloupe. When I responded that I couldn't do it for him, he asked if I could hold his hands while he held the knife, like we tried for the pepper. We did that successfully with the big knife for cutting the melon in half, and then he worked on scooping out the seeds. He put a half flat side down and I talked him through cutting it into quarters. He was thrilled with doing that by himself. I offered a suggestion for avoiding anymore knife work, which he accepted - the melon baller, which he loves anyway. He scooped out a bowl full of melon balls and packed them up for his lunch. The other 3/4 of the melon are still out there on the counter, but it felt like a great interaction.

Another one of these situations played out when he was getting some ice cream after dinner. First he couldn't find the scoop, because it was still on the counter from when he used it last night and had since gotten buried under the remains of today's meal prep. He found another scoop in the drawer but was having trouble getting more than slivers of ice cream out of the container. He asked me to help him and we used the same trick of hands-on-hands so he could feel the twist of the wrist to scoop out a ball. When he plopped it into his bowl, he said, "hey, that looks professional!"

Wonderful - but again he left the ice cream out on the counter while he went to eat his bowlful. I struggled with what to do - that is my most favorite ice cream in the world - but using the same trick as last night seemed just too obvious. Instead I said, "oh, cool, come look at this -" and showed him how the melting ice cream was dribbling down over the hard ice cream in the container and isn't that interesting? Hmm, yes, and back to eating. A little later I tried again, inviting him to come see how it had changed over time. No nibbles, not interesting anymore. At that point I had to clench my jaw and accept that I was going to sacrifice the Ben & Jerry's to the greater good. Later this evening I whisked the half-full container of totally melted ice cream away from Hazel's reach just in the nick of time, before it was everywhere. But it is still sitting out there on the counter. I am hoping powerfully that it makes an impression on Toby.

About as distressing to me as the wasted ice cream is the fact that Hazel is scavenging all sorts of food mess that Toby has left. Some of it is now almost 3 days old. Some of it is on the floor. And the safety situation of her reaching all these knives that Toby is leaving lying around has demanded my intervention.

Overall, I feel like Toby and I are both doing great with DNSN, and Dan and Hazel are relatively uninvolved. Tonight begins Dan's long weekend - he works four long days and then is off for three - so things will be very different with both of us here throughout the day. Sure to be exciting!

Thursday

This morning Toby asked me several times to help him make his bed. Each time, I said I was busy with something (emptying the dishwasher, changing Hazel's diaper...) and finally I said I didn't have time, he should go ahead. Of course he knew I was not supposed to help. He started crying and said, "I don't know how! You don't want it to look terrible, do you??" Oh, yes! I left to get Hazel dressed to go out to the bus. When I came back to get her socks, he was sitting on the messily made bed, reading. How can I use this moment to the good?

I said, "Honey, if you're not happy with your bed-making skills, then after DNSN week is done, I can teach you more about how to do it." He looked up and responded, "Okay, yeah." I told him that anything he's not happy with his skills about this week, we can work on later. Positive connection.

Hazel has refused to get dressed a few times to go out for the bus and of course I used to get more and more anxious and eventually force her into her clothes, with much crying. The past few weeks, I have learned to tell her that if she wanted to come outside, then she needed to wear clothes because it is cold (15 degrees!). If she didn't want to come out to get Toby on the bus, she could stay inside by herself. She has chosen to stay inside alone (for about 3 minutes) twice - once intentionally and the other because she refused to get dressed until after we were walking out the door - she came after us in a shirt and diaper, waving her pants in the air. I told her she needed to be dressed before the timer goes off to be able to come outside, and she could try again tomorrow. She sadly said, "Okay..." but no crying!

The kitchen is killing me, but I am feeling kind of liberated from cleaning up after everyone all the time. I realized that our DNSN week will have to be cut short, since we are going to be away Sunday and Monday, and the cleaning person is coming Tuesday. So Saturday afternoon we'll hopefully all get the house back in some sort of order.

Now Hazel is eating the bits of food that Toby has left all over the counter, some since last night - how do I deal with this, Vicki?!?

lunch at 5 a.m.

I figured out that Toby got 6 of his 8 morning jobs done yesterday with no parental involvement at all. He also has an old afternoon checklist:
1. unpack backpack, lunch bag on counter (this means show me all the papers and put his lunch bag by the sink for me to clean out)
2. do homework
3. repack backpack (folder, homework, reading book)
4. practice piano
5. make lunch
6. clear dinner dishes and push in chair
7. weekly contribution

As I said earlier, he has been doing pretty well with this for the last couple of months. The ones that get done very consistently are 1, 2, 3, and 5. The contribution (chore) depends on what it is. And, like the morning, our agreement is that TV or computer time happens after the checklist is completed.

On the evening of Day 1, he asked me if he could use the computer, and I caved - "Is your checklist done?" "Um, yes." Me: "I haven't heard any piano tonight." "Oh, yeah! I forgot about piano." Again, like with the shoe thing and the upcoming snowboarding class, there is a circumstancial reason for my weakness. This Saturday is his first-ever piano recital. My plan for next time is to ask what he thinks, or just say I don't know.

Yesterday afternoon was piano lesson, and our previous routine relies on my getting his piano books into the car. I started the path toward changing that by asking Toby about how they do the date and day in school every morning, so he is aware of the day before piano lessons and the day of piano lessons. When he had confirmed that, I told him the way we've been doing things depends on MY remembering his piano books, and asked him how he thought we could manage it so he is the one in charge of that? He thought for a couple of minutes and said, "I don't want to take my piano books to school in my already-jam-packed backpack." I laughed and said, "It's jam-packed? Well, what's another way you could get your piano books to class, then?" He responded, "I don't know." So I said, "We have a whole week to think about it. Maybe by next class, you'll come up with an idea to try."

There were only a couple of moments of difficulty yesterday - a brief crying jag when I wouldn't buckle Toby's seatbelt for him, and a sibling moment. I heard Toby yelling at Hazel from the other room, and then suddenly she was crying hard. I don't know what happened but they both came running out to me, hollering. I looked at them for a moment, then decided this was the perfect time to bring that big box upstairs. When I came down, it seemed like everything was okay. We put up our first Problem List this week and so far it's empty. Toby mentioned to me last night that there's nothing on it, and his only problem is Hazel crying in the middle of the night. I asked, "is the problem that the noise wakes you up?" He thought and answered, "No. I guess it's not a problem for me."

Last night I made a special soup that both my kids love. Toby wrote on our Appreciations Board, "Mama made harira for us." He also wrote "Dad stayd with us" (when I went to yoga class). We usually eat early because the kids get so hungry, and it would take an hour to get the soup done, but Toby chose to wait since he wanted to have that for dinner. A nice glass of red wine during dinner prep helped me find my sense of humor and enjoy the kids' silliness during that time. Dinner went well, and Toby cleared some of his dishes to the counter. Until this week, that was the extent of his responsibility for getting dishes taken care of. Now they are piling up on the counter there. He has chosen loading the dishwasher as his contribution a couple of times, so he has some experience and training with that - but I guess it hasn't occurred to him yet.

Due to the soup not being premade, it was already a later evening than usual for us. I told Hazel I was running a tub for her, and Toby said he wanted to get in also (yay!). They played around in there for about a half hour, and when I took Hazel out, Toby asked me to add more hot water. "I think you know how to do that safely," was my response. He whined that he wanted me to do it, so I asked, "are you nervous about it?" He nodded, then said, "Wait! I have an idea!" He trned on the cold faucet, then added hot until it was the temperature he wanted, and stirred it around in the tub. Pleased with himself. Later he told me he was ready to get out (meaning, he wanted me to dry him), and I said, "Okay, go ahead. I already put your towel over there which is more than I'm supposed to do." A minute later he popped out of the bathroom in his pajamas.

Dan came home and we read some books. Around 8:30, again, Toby said, "I'm tired, let's brush teeth." Off to bed - but his backpack was on the floor by the front door, untouched since he brought it into the house. He had done his homework while waiting for the piano lesson, but yesterday's lunch was still in there. I held my tongue and he went to bed. During the bedtime snuggle, I asked him how he felt about DNSN week so far. "Good." I asked him if there was anything he had figured out how to do that he didn't think he could do, and he said no. Before I went to sleep, I thought about how I would deal with his losing it in the morning and trying to get the lunch made in a rush.

This morning around 5 o'clock (as most days), Hazel woke me to nurse. She has been on a huge "me do it" kick, especially about nursing. "No help me, Mama! Hazel do it" is her mantra as she yanks my shirt up. If I interfere with her at all, to direct which side or something, she starts howling - which she did this morning. Toby woke up and immediately said, "I forgot to make my lunch." I said, "Oh. Well, there's lots of time since it's still more than an hour before the regular alarm goes off." After a few minutes he got up and said he wanted to do it now. I stayed in bed (amazed and thrilled) as he padded off to the kitchen. Now he's back in bed, lunch made, asking for snuggles! Beautiful.

The big surprise for me so far is how many times Toby has just forged ahead when I tell him I can't do things for him - with no drama! He seems to be finding pride in his own competence and ability, and is taking it very matter-of-factly. I seem to not have the mental energy right now to try to apply these principles to Hazel, since she needs so much. That will come.

Red pepper rings

Our day yesterday was uneventful. I quickly understood that unless we have no need to leave the house, Hazel does require direction and help for lots of things. It will be interesting to see where I can back off for her.

Toby's breakfast dishes and some of his breakfast were left in the diningroom yesterday morning, in the flurry. I left them there, and Hazel later helped herself to the rest of the breakfast - thankfully, nonperishable. Toby spent the afternoon next door at his friend's house, and I served dinner when he got home. His dinner plate was crowded in between the breakfast dishes and cups. The meal was very pleasant and both kids behaved pretty well. After dinner Toby asked for ice cream and I said that was fine. It took him a while to figure out that I wasn't going to serve it to him, but he found it and the scoop and did it himself (leaving the scoop and the ice cream container on the counter). I couldn't bear Ben & Jerry's chocolate fudge brownie going to waste, so I asked, "what do you think is going on inside that container right now?" Toby leaped up from the table and exclaimed, "I forgot to put it away!" Then we had a funny conversation about ice cream soup. Saved!

A little later (with all of Toby's dinner dishes still on the table with his breakfast dishes, and food on the table, chair and floor) he said to me, "You forgot to do something on your checklist!" "What?" "Empty my lunch bag," he replied. I told him that wasn't on my checklist today, and he took that in and proceeded to do it himself, for the very first time. He did his version of washing the containers, and then started making his lunch for today. He has been making his own lunch for school for a few months and is working on his knife skills. Dan had earlier expressed concern to me about the safety of his technique, so I wanted to watch him and see what I thought about how he's doing these days. He did great with the apple and safety seemed adequate with the red pepper, but he hacked that thing up and there were seeds everywhere. Toby has recently gotten obsessed with pepper in rings and asked me to help him cut it that way. He was trying with a paring knife and not doing so well. I thought about it a little and we tried a couple of ways of my teaching him with the chef's knife, without doing it for him, but it wasn't working. The pepper had already been cut up enough to make it hard to get rings even by myself. When I told him this and said I couldn't do it for him, he fell apart and started crying loudly with his head on the counter. I left the room but felt nervous about him having the big knife that he hasn't learned how to use, and being upset on top of it. How could I turn this around?

I returned to the kitchen and said, "I think for you to learn how to make red pepper rings, we need to start with a whole pepper." He looked up at me with his red, wet face and said "yeah!" happily. I got an idea of how to avoid the big knife problem. We got a new pepper and I showed him how I core it to get rid of the seeds, then I got out the new V-slicer, a gadget for slicing that has a hand guard. I put the pepper on the guard and tried to slice it. Since it was hollow, it sort of bent under the pressure and the rings snapped into snakes. He was disappointed but content to take that for his lunch. Then I invited him to try the slicer, and he sliced the rest of the pepper. When we lifted up the gadget, there was a pile of beautiful pepper rings underneath! We both cheered and I congratulated him, he got the rings he wanted and we transformed a tantrum into a celebration. Instead of his being mad that I wouldn't do it for him and my being mad that he was being so rigid and melodramatic, we shared a triumph.

Later, unexpectedly, he got himself to bed at the usual time. During our bedtime snuggle, I have been trying to say something about the day to each child that incorporates one of the Crucial C's. I told Toby, "This morning, even with Grandma reading you that long book and Daddy showing you the shelf, and then everything with the shoe, you got out the door on time, with your backpack and lunch, and with your teeth brushed. That was an accomplishment." He looked pretty pleased and said, "I know."

Felt like a good first day.

This morning I went to 7 o'clock yoga, so Dan was in charge. I got home just after the bus left and I asked him how Toby's morning went. "I don't know, I wasn't watching." That's a good sign! It sounded like there was a little more shoe shenanigans - Toby wore the regular shoe down the driveway but changed to the cut-out shoe before the bus came. Whatever. I know Dan is nervous about the shoe thing because we have a ski trip planned for this weekend, and Toby is supposed to take his first-ever winter sports lesson - boarding. It's a big soft boot, so we're hoping he'll be able to do it.

Just for kicks, here are some pics from this morning:

The very beginning

Wow - I have so much to say already since the show last night. The Useless Behaviors that I wrote down have changed a bit since the last time I did this, several months ago. Which I guess means Toby's behavior is much more pleasant than it used to be. And now that Hazel is older, she has a few on there that I'm not just assuming have to be a part of how a 2-year-old lives. Here they are, for interest: Toby - melodramatic crying, rudeness/bossiness, messiness, being mean (trying to hurt, especially), dawdling/getting distracted. The rudeness is pretty minor, not obnoxious, just like saying "get me such-and-such" instead of asking for it politely. Being mean is also very minor, pushing sister or grabbing something from her - nothing really dangerous or malicious. The messiness is constant and in many different manifestations - clothes, school papers, food, toys. Things that have improved over the past few months are arguing, interrupting, shrieking (although that's still on there), and being physically and mentally all over the place during meals. For Hazel - whining, crying, throwing things.

There's been change in the Interfering Strategies list too, since a few months ago. Time outs are GONE. Yelling was mostly gone for a couple of months, but over the holidays everybody fell into old patterns. My current list: reminding, suggesting, doing things for, yelling, snapping/snotty voice/getting exasperated, giving food options (do you want this? this? how about this?), scolding, protecting/warnings (be careful of...), mediating between siblings.

So my goals for the week are IGNORE the things in the first paragraph, STOP the things in the second paragraph. I did ask about The Other Parent and Vicki said that each individual who uses (or doesn't use) the Program techniques shapes their own relationship with the child. I can see that (and that has been my attitude toward grandparents behavior) - but I think that if Dan doesn't follow through, the negative behaviors will still exist in my home, even if they are more directed at him because he gives a response. We'll see.

So this morning was very interesting. Toby has a list of 8 things that he has agreed he will do each school morning, and he's been doing very well with it over the past couple of months with some reminding but not a lot. Here it is:
1. put away pajamas
2. get dressed
3. eat breakfast
4. clear dishes and push in chair
5. check for clothes on the floor, into laundry basket
6. brush teeth
7. make bed
8. pack backpack

The ones that he does very reliably are 2, 3, 6, 7, and 8. This morning my mother was visiting - terrible timing, I know, but unavoidable. Toby also has an evening list like this, which he is also mostly on top of. Both of these go totally to hell when anyone is visiting us, because of course they are so much more interesting than routine. Our agreement for the morning is that if he has extra time left after his checklist is completed, he can use that time however he wants - for TV or computer, or whatever. So this is what happened today... It is a little complicated by the fact that he broke his toe last week, but he's been doing everything and taking Tylenol just a couple of times a day.

We usually wake up as a family, we sleep in two rooms right next to each other. So Toby got up on time, got himself dressed, went to the dining room. I was busy making my breakfast and some for Hazel. He said, "I'm hungry." I said, "Me too." And he just sat there (I have been making his breakfast until now but he knows not this week). Later he said, "I'm hungry" again, and I asked him what he was going to eat. He asked me what he should eat, so I said, "Go look and find something that you want." He decided he wanted peanut-butter honey strips. He asked me to make it and I told him I am not supposed to do things for him this week. He fell to the floor and literally dragged himself, belly down, across the kitchen, saying his toe hurt too much to walk to get the bread. He hopped on his good foot to get it off the counter and to get it onto a plate on the counter. By the time he got the PB and honey, he had given up the drama and just made the food, very successfully, brought it to the table and ate it. Then Hazel wanted to do the same. I asked her to get a slice of bread and a plate, which she brought to the counter. I gave her a knife with PB on it and she smeared it around. She spread the honey and used the scissors to cut the strips, with help. She did not eat any of it.

Toby also got himself a drink. Then, while I was getting dressed, my mother started reading him a book in the dining room - alarm, alarm!! That is not supposed to happen until the checklist is done! But she doesn't know that and I was not going to say anything to him. He has a timer that I set so he knows how much time he has left before he has to go out to the bus, and when it alarms, we go out. I tried to trust that he would be able to use his timer like he always does to manage his morning. But having a Grandma around really throws a wrench into the system.

Time went by - it was a long book. When he had 10 minutes left and had only done #2 and #3, I couldn't help myself, I went in and said, "Gee, that's a long book." He seemed to snap to attention, checked his timer, and ran off leaving my mom in mid-sentence, yelling "I have to get ready!" Now two more things happened where adult behavior interfered with his being successful. Dan was trying to fix a broken sliding shelf, and invited Toby to come see what he was doing. I was getting more and more tense, and said, "it's five to eight, I don't think it's the best time for that." But they went ahead with it. Then Toby quickly brushed his teeth and ran to pack his lunch into his backpack. While he was doing that, Dan asked him if he was going to try to wear his regular shoe today, instead of the one with the cut-out toe that he has been wearing since he broke his toe. Then Dan said to me that he was going to do one piece of reminding, and told Toby that he should bring the cut-out shoe to school in case his foot starts to hurt. I said that he hadn't even decided which he was going to wear yet. Then Dan said, "I'm going to pack this in your backpack for you," and he tied it up in a plastic bag. It's like a classic Vicki example. And it gets better. So then the timer goes off and Toby is frantically trying to get his socks on and looking for his shoes. Dan asked him about the regular shoe, and he said, "I don't have time to decide! I want the cut-out shoe! Why is it all tied up in this bag?" So he got it out and got it on and they went out to the bus and he made it, with his coat, backpack, and lunch. Whew.

My heart was racing and I was all worked up. So aggravated that the poor kid was trying so hard and obstacles were thrown in his way. Of his 8-item list, he usually does 6-8, and today he got 4 of them done. Not too bad, considering. So bravo for him. Any lesson there for Dan? I don't know.

As I calmed myself down, I realized (again) that I get all stressed out and anxious about things that are not my problem. The worst thing that could have happened was he missed the bus. I was driving downtown this morning anyway, for Hazel's music class at 9:30. If I drove him into school when we were ready, he would be late, but I wouldn't have to make the decision whether or not I was going to drive him. Really not a big deal. I had already learned this and for a while was doing really well at separating myself from my children having to experience negative consequences of their choices. I guess just too much pressure this morning and I got distracted from the real goals by all the static of the other adults in the house! Goal: when I feel myself getting tense, stressed, frustrated, angry - STOP and re-examine why - whose problem will it really be?

Way too much for one morning before 8 o'clock!

Gearing up

Tomorrow night starts the program. In anticipation, I am trying to get the house mostly in order and get all the laundry done. My biggest question is, how well can this work if The Other Parent is only semi-participating? Makes my job harder, and makes me the Enforcer. Toby broke his toe the other day, so we've been doing lots more for him than usual, and he is milking it! It's going to be a rude shock on Tuesday when all that goes away. What we have decided we will do for him this coming week is (a) set his timer so he knows when he has to go out for the bus, (b) brush his teeth in the evening, and (c) make family dinners. I am trying to plan meals that he'll particularly want to eat, so there's less pressure to make his own food without assistance. I know the mess of the house is going to be really hard for me - I will try to keep breathing and pretend my eyes are closed. A less obvious question is about how much to do for Hazel. She obviously needs food prepared, diapers changed, some help getting dressed. I'll play that by ear, and maybe ask Vicki about it during the show tomorrow night.

Good notes: Toby used the Appreciations Board for the first time this week, and had appreciations ready for everyone. We introduced Problem Solving and put up a Problem List. He hasn't written anything on it yet - he said his biggest problem is when Hazel cries at night. Can't wait to hear his solution for that!

Toby's library books are due tomorrow. I know he has no idea. He did put his school library book into his backpack, so that's great (and new). I don't know how long I can keep silent about the library books, as the fine grows. He has tons of allowance hoarded up though, so maybe he won't really care.

Introducing the participants

Hello! The plan is for this blog to be used to document our family's journey through the 12 weeks of Parenting on Track, Vicki Hoefle's parenting program. We are kind of cheating though, since we have already watched her home program and have been using some of the program strategies over the past few months. We have experienced a lot of positive changes - in the behavior of both parents and children, in some aspects of the sibling relationship, and in our children's self-sufficiency and independence. So I am convinced that this is an approach that works, to improve family relationships as well as to foster confidence and competence in our kids. Now we're going to follow along as Vicki presents her entire program week by week on MomTV, really delve in, and see where it takes us. You'll be hearing about my husband Dan, our son Toby (6), our daughter Hazel (2), and plenty from me as the instigator of the whole thing. Thanks for reading - I'll get going next week when the program begins.