PonT on the road

I spent the last four days at my mother's with the children, and began my efforts to be consistent with our at-home PonT routines during a summer of lots of travelling. Before we left home, I initiated a P&R discussion with Toby about each place we are visiting this summer - safety in crowded public attractions, continuing Contributions as applicable in each setting, extending the behavior Rs from home to grandparents' houses, etc.

Last week we went to a water/amusement park and everybody had a great time - Toby agreed to certain limitations ahead of time, which made it much easier for me to keep track of both kids myself and let Hazel play also. I also told them I would buy each child one treat at the park, and if they wanted anything else they could buy it themselves. Toby forgot his money and wanted to play a midway game. On his own, he decided to find out how much the game cost before getting his treat, and them chose to use that money just for the game - he won two prizes, got no ice cream, and was thrilled! Me too. All the planning ahead helped us have a great day.

Things got trickier at my mother's. She, like most adults I think, could barely restrain herself from picking up after the children, clearing their dishes, or folding their laundry. There was lots of extra commentary on what everyone was eating or not eating, wearing or not wearing, doing or not doing. One particularly stark moment was when we met an acquaintance of hers who suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder, on a walk. He immediately rattled off a list of concerns about Toby's condition (Your shoe is untied. Your shirt is inside out. Your backpack is unzipped.), none of which were problems for Toby.

The kids, at my mother's invitation, sorted through the games, books, and toys that she has for them. With a small amount of help from me, they were able to agree on a significant pile of stuff that they were both willing to discard. They loaded it up in a wagon, Toby decided on prices, we made signs, and they were off to have a sale. My mom and her friends swooped down on them and made some strong suggestions about price changes and specials for friends. They did make $6, and Toby offered a free item to any kid without money.

Sibling conflict was another situation that received more adult interference than at home. There was plenty of it, but all brief flare-ups. Toby, especially, increases in volume and duration if his fire is fed any attention. Before we went, we discussed how small Grandma's house is and how any screaming in the house affects everyone. There is a free-standing bedroom out behind the main house, and the children agreed that if anyone was screaming, they would go into the back house until they were done. Toby went out there himself a couple of times when he was upset, but there was one instance when Hazel started crying and my mother whisked her out to the back house by herself. That did not feel right to me, so I was challenged to try to explain to my mother how I envisioned the system working.

When I hear a cry or scream:
First, I decide if it sounds like pain or upset. If it sounds like serious pain, I go check it out. Otherwise, I wait a few minutes - most often it dies down. If anyone comes to me, I respond in a neutral/redirecting way, and it dies down. If the noise continues and sounds like for noise's sake, then I encourage the child to the back house to calm down/express themselves without bothering other people.

As I was going through this progression of responses, it was very clear that only a parent or full-time caregiver can identify these subtleties in the sounds. However, things went pretty well, the kids cooperated for the most part, and the adults avoided any major conflict!

iPhone

Had a self-success today - used my PonT perspective to avert a disaster ripping down the turnpike. Toby was playing games on my phone in the car and I needed to check my email for the address that we were driving to. He surrendered it willingly the first time, but... when I needed the phone again to call the person to come out to meet us, he got very freshy about my interrupting him again. He had started an irate tirade when I said, "Stop talking!" and got out of the car to talk on the phone. He started crying. I knew I had to breathe and start again. When I got back in the car, I asked him how he thought we could work this out so it was okay for both of us. Instead of giving a stern lecture about speaking respectfully, and withholding the phone. I said I couldn't remember the responsibilities of using the phone, did he? We pieced together a few of them, and I said I was pretty sure one of them was returning it when asked. He agreed. I handed the phone back to him. Show me.

Visit to school

I went to Toby's class last week for an event they were putting on for the parents. I got to see all the other reports and dioramas. There was one other diorama that looked like it had actually been made by a first-grader. The mother of the girl with the biggest, most elaborate one said to me, "I got a little carried away with this one. I love science projects!" So I have to remember that all the fancy projects looked as though they were even designed by a parent, as well as parent-assisted in construction - the children do not have ownership. It is good for my child for me to allow him to have one of the simplest projects in the class. It is good for him to look at the other projects and decide what he wants his future projects to be, on his own, not from my suggestions.

After the class jeopardy game and the class play, the teacher said she had a special treat for us. My child got up in the front of the room and danced his talent show solo for all the parents, while the rest of the class followed the teacher in a conga line around the room. Why does he never mention these things at home? It was thrilling for me, I was very proud of his self-assuredness. I tried really hard to keep my comments encouraging instead of praise. It's a really long song, but there are these adorable bursts of energy every once in a while.

Summer begins

Tomorrow is the last day of school, and summer begins. I know our routines are going to be sorely challenged because we have several trips to different settings planned. What works at home is different from what works at grandma's house is different from in a hotel, etc. I did bring up the clean clothes issue with Toby - I asked him, since the goal had been to wear clean clothes to school, how he would like to handle this issue when there is no school. He said he didn't know (stock first answer), so I told him I thought if we let it go during the summer, it might be very hard to get back into the routine in September, and what did he think? He suggested we keep the same goal for weekdays. Love it! The same as during the school year, from his own mouth - way more than I expected.

I think Contributions will work the same way as during the rest of the year, when we are at home. P&Rs should work the same way. I haven't considered summer activities as Ps and what their Rs might be - great conversation to have with Toby this week, may open up some new Rs.

Since I last posted progress did occur. Toby remembered to ask for his timer to be set several days last week. Both children seem to have settled into our new bedtime routine, in their own ways. Usually I lie down with them for 10 minutes, then I leave and Hazel follows me. Dan goes in to Toby for a while. Hazel entertains herself quietly in the room with me either until she falls asleep on the floor, or I go to bed and she comes with me. A few times, she skipped her nap and fell asleep in her bed early. I was feeling like her falling asleep all over the place was crazy and needed fixing, but now I am willing to go with it for a while. The big accomplishment is that I can use my evenings for something now, besides putting children to sleep.

Another big change recently is that I stopped nursing Hazel first thing in the morning. I changed the first nursing of the day from wake-up to after breakfast. My hope was that without the incentive, she would sleep later in the morning. She has still been waking up consistently at 5 and coming to my bed, asking to nurse. I say after breakfast and she cries a little and goes back to sleep. The crying was, from the first day, much less than I expected. It has been getting less and less, and for the past 2 days, she has not asked to nurse when she comes in! She has sometimes forgotten about it by after breakfast, and she has missed a lot of naptime nursing either by falling asleep while we are driving or by skipping nap. The net effect is suddenly, much less nursing overall - which I am very pleased about. Hazel seems mostly untroubled by it, which is great.

Quickies

Quick updates on the last two posts:

remembering to set the timer for the bus -
Tuesday - Grandma was here, she reminded him
Wednesday - I was out at yoga, don't know what happened
Thursday - he asked me to set it, but couldn't find it, then he forgot about it - at very last minute, I told Hazel she needed to put on clothes if she didn't want to get left in the house when it was time - Toby jumped to get ready, and made it
Friday - he totally forgot - at the very last moment, Dan suddenly said, "how did it get so late?" - Toby jumped and made it

So not really any great effect from the day he missed it, yet. Next plan is allow him to be late for school.

bedtime -
Wednesday - Dan was on the phone when he was supposed to come in to the kids - I was going to stay with them until he got there, I fell asleep with them
Thursday - Hazel fell asleep pretty quickly, I stayed with Toby a few more minutes, then left and he stayed in bed

Maybe some progress there - Toby seems to understand how seriously I don't want to hang out in there all evening. Hazel is still totally unwilling to fall asleep without an adult.

Bedtime secret

At Family Meeting this week, the Problem List arrived with my problem: "I have a problem when I have to spend and hour or more every night helping children get to sleep." Toby started to protest, "It's not me..." but we quickly moved right on to solutions without discussion.

Dan: I should go down to the neighbor's house at 8 o'clock every night so the kids get used to going to sleep without me.
me: I will give both children sleeping pills every night so they fall asleep quickly.
Toby: I can go out of the room after ten minutes of snuggling and they will stay in bed.
Hazel did not have anything to say.

Dan expressed concern that sleeping pills aren't so safe for children - this was the one Toby wanted to try ;). I chose Toby's solution and we started fist-or-five for consensus to try it for a week. Hazel said no and put up two fists. We explained the system and the solution and she did the same thing. We asked her how she would change that solution to work better, and after a few times she actually said, "Daddy come in." So we asked her if she meant I snuggle with the kids for 10-15 minutes, then leave and Dan goes in - yes! And everyone agreed to try it for a week!

What happened the first three nights was one, both, or neither of them:
- came to bed when my chunk of snuggle time started.
- stayed in bed during the snuggle time.
- left the room when I did.
Toby ultimately went to bed in his room himself sometime before ten each night. Hazel consistently refused - once she stayed up with me until past ten when we went to bed together with Dan in our bed. One night they both sat quietly in the room where I was working until around ten, when Toby went to bed and Hazel stayed - eventually falling asleep on the couch. The next night she fell asleep on my bedroom floor. So if you look at the kids, this is a ridiculous, chaotic mess - but if you look at me, it's great! I hang out in their room from about 8:30-8:45, then leave and do whatever I want, for as long as I want! They lurk around but do not bother me. I do not engage with them or tell them to go to bed, I just go about my business. So the problem I posted really is solved - next I had to look at their crazy non-bedtime routine, and figure out what the real problem is and how to go about changing it.

Today I have discovered the solution to all our problems!!! Tonight was perfect: Hazel went to bed at 8, fell asleep after 10 minutes of snuggling. Toby went to bed at 8:30, we snuggled 10 minutes, I left, he stayed in bed.

Here is the secret: NO NAP FOR HAZEL.

If no one is around to entertain him, Toby will stay in bed or read quietly. To eliminate the nap, I would have to keep her busy all day and not drive her anywhere after 10 a.m. This can be done, but will require a lot of advance planning. You would not believe the amount of stuff I have accomplished in the last four evenings. I know it's just one night but I am jubilant with even a clue where to go from here - this situation has been tormenting me for months.

Missed the bus

Today was a big test for me and I did it! I stayed quiet and let some natural consequences play out. Toby forgot all about his timer and getting out for the bus on time. He read books and played a little pinball game. He did brush his teeth and get his backpack ready, but is wearing dirty clothes from yesterday. The morning went along, I made breakfast for myself and Hazel, we ate, I cleaned up, started getting her out of her pajamas... He usually goes out for the bus a few minutes before 8 and it comes a few minutes after. At ten of, I resigned myself to the fact that he would not be on that bus, and let out all my tension with a deep breath. I literally bit my tongue to stop from saying anything to nudge him to notice. Finally, he brought me his timer and asked me to set it for him, at 8:05. I said, "Oh, it's five after, it would have gone off already." He said, "Let's go!" and we went out, leaving a mostly-undressed Hazel in the house. I figured the bus had already come and gone, but out we went, to see it driving down the street away from us. There was the option of running after it to the place where it comes out of a cul-de-sac, but he said, "maybe we should just drive."

Now - refusing to drive a 6-year-old to school the first time he misses the bus on his own, is way beyond what I can stomach. It is more than 2 miles away. If I really had some reason I couldn't do it promptly, I would have made him wait, but it was fine to take him this morning. I felt like just the impact of missing the bus is enough for him digest today.

When we got back into the house, he ran over to Hazel and started pulling her pants onto her. He kept telling us to hurry, hurry. I told him we had a little time since the bus has to stop at everyone's house on the way, so I got ready but not frantically (as I did when he missed the bus on the first day of school!). He was buckled in the car, waiting for us as Hazel and I put on our shoes. He told Hazel to get into her car seat "as fast as you can." When we got to school, he kept telling me to hurry, to park, to come - although there were hoards of other parents dropping off kids and he was clearly not late. I think this made a big impression on him. He said a few times on the way, "I will not forget my backpack, I will not forget my backpack." Can't wait to see how he remembers the timer from now on!

A tidbit

Just another example from the daily grind of PonT in action:

As we were getting into the car, Toby asked to use my phone. Then Hazel also wanted to use the phone. Toby suggested he use it on the way to our destination and she could use it on the way back. She didn't go for that and started whining. Then he said, "You can use it on the way there and I'll use it on the way back." Great! I thanked him and as I was buckling her into her seat, he said, "Actually, I want to use it on the way there." She started howling and then he started howling, so I said, "Let me know when you guys are ready to go," and shut the door. I took in the sunshine for a minute to two until he knocked on the car window. I opened the door and asked if they had come to a solution - he said, "I don't know" as he held his hand out for the phone. I asked if they needed me to make the decision. When Toby said yes, I told them my decision was that the phone stays in my pocket. He started crying loudly as I walked around to the driver's door, then pulled himself together and said, "She can use it on the way there." Again, I said, "Great! Thanks." As we were driving, I commented that they will probably usually like their own solutions better than mine, and Toby agreed. From start to finish, the whole drama was about 4 minutes, with I think no bad-feeling residue. He, if not she, got the message loud and clear that I will not mediate or get sucked into their disputes, and I am happy to take charge if they opt for that but it is to their advantage to work it out themselves.

"Toby took my money."

Yesterday Hazel happened to mention, "Toby took my money." I asked her about it and she said he put it in his money bag. This obviously wasn't this week, since she had her pickle outing, but I do remember last week wondering where her money had gone to. I asked her how she might prevent this from happening. She didn't have much to offer, so then I asked if she would like me to help her figure out how to put her money in a safe place. She found a little zipper change purse and declared that her new money bag.

Today she said, with Toby present, "I put my money in my purple money bag so Toby no take it." I asked him if he had taken her money, and he said, "well, it was just lying on the floor." We all talked about how if there is money lying around, anyone might pick it up. I suggested Hazel watch what Toby does as soon as he gets his money, which is to immediately put it in his bag. I asked her what she's going to do with her allowance tomorrow, and she parroted, "Put it in a safe place." Where? "In my purple money bag." So she is starting to learn about this - the best part was Toby's honesty.

At breakfast today, Toby kept asking me to get or do things for him. He wanted me to cut the edge off his waffle (he hates the crusty bit). When I said he could do this himself, he grumbled until I asked if he remembered the conversation we had about him learning how to do things as well as he would like to. I said, "Come on, I'll help you, I'll teach you." I showed him a tiny bit of how I do it and encouraged him to cut the rest, which he did just fine. He was less resistant than I expected. I have been trying to acknowledge capabilities he demonstrates when he's internally motivated - for example, when he's getting himself dessert, he has no difficulty bringing a step stool over and unlocking the cabinet. I mentioned how quick and easy that seemed to be for him, then said I expected him to always be able to do that for himself.

After spending a frustrating hour last night getting the kids to bed, I ranted to Dan that I wanted to implement something new - they have to be in bed, lights out, teeth brushed, by 8:30 to get 15 minutes of snuggle time and then I'm outta there, door shut! But of course that's such a radical departure from how things go now, it would inevitably lead to lots of crying and screaming and door-slamming. Dan suggested I put it on the Problem List - tongue in cheek? But it actually sounded like a decent idea - present the problem to the kids and see what they come up with. I know parents aren't supposed to put problems on the list, but it seemed like a better idea than mine. Tomorrow is our meeting, send good vibes! My solution suggestion is going to be sleeping pills for both children, every night.

Power

Toby has been pissing me off. He wouldn't try the food I made for dinner last night; he wanted me to make his sandwich instead; when he made it he left the bread crusts on the kitchen floor; he wanted me to bring him a washcloth to wipe up his spill; he left the washcloths on the floor; then after I asked him to put them in the laundry, he threw them near but not in the laundry basket. He's been mean to his sister. Then at bedtime he wants to snuggle and doesn't want me to leave until he's asleep. I have managed, I think, fairly well at containing my temper and asking questions instead of yelling to deal with these situations. The thing to remember here is that he's seeking power, trying to taunt me into a power struggle - and the remedy is to support his movement toward greater capability. Since he was sick a couple of weeks ago, he has been asking me to do all sorts of things for him that he'd been doing reasonably independently before. I need to gently back out again and encourage him to keep trying. Here is my new approach - instead of saying, "I'm confident you can figure this out." He wants me to grate the cheese for his pasta and to spread the peanut butter on his sandwich, because he doesn't do it as well. I asked him if he would like to be able to do these things the way I do, and he said yes. So I responded, "Okay, then that's something for us to work on together." Just his body language seemed more receptive to that, than to just saying I knew he could do it himself.

Big kids

Toby did his dolphin report about 98% independently the other day - he only asked me for a little help searching around a website for the specific information he was missing. He typed it all up and made a very accurate illustration. He brought the report and the diorama to school today, two weeks ahead of the due date! A "science award" paper came home with him, which he taped to his closet door for display. Proud of himself!

He's also taken the Talent Show dress rehearsal thing to heart. Today was the last one and tomorrow is the show. He was looking all over last night for the same shirt he wore, randomly, for the first dress rehearsal. It was in the bottom of the dirty laundry basket - but he wore it today, refusing to wash it last night. Stinky! But this is his version of responsibility, following the instructions that he has to wear the same thing for both rehearsals and the show. I did encourage him to hand it over for washing this evening.

This weekend was Hazel's first experience of buying something with her own money! We were visiting my mother, where there is a small general grocery a couple of blocks from her house. Right after Family Meeting, she said, "I want to go to the store and buy something with my two monies!" ($2). We walked over there and she looked at lots of things, and decided on a big fat pickle from the old-fashioned pickle barrel. They sell by the pound and miraculously it was exactly two dollars. She was so happy! She did drop it on the ground on the walk home, but a little rinsing and good as new. I had to remind my mother that Hazel was not obligated to share it, even if she didn't want to eat it - it was hers to do with as she liked. Toby forgot his peppermint patty when we were packing up to leave, and my mother did ask me if she should give it to him (no). He hasn't mentioned it. I don't know if she is going to save it for him, or have herself a little treat...