"I have to wear this?"

Today was the first dress rehearsal for Toby's school talent show. Although I gave him a note last night so he could stay after school today for the rehearsal, he was surprised to discover from a friend at the bus stop this morning that it was today. He realized that since it was a dress rehearsal, he would be expected to wear the clothes he had on as his costume for the actual show. He seemed stunned, but not upset. No need for it to bother me, and if it doesn't bother him, there's no problem.

He has been very focused this week on cleaning up his school things in the afternoons. His seems very motivated to earn playdates as a privilege. The funny thing is that he was oblivious the past few weeks - until Dan took the kids out over the weekend with Toby's friend. Somehow they decided that since it wasn't a playdate at either child's house, it would be okay, just this once. I was annoyed about it, but it looks like it may have reminded Toby how much he likes to spend time with Kelly - and lit a fire under him to meet his responsibilities.

One down!

Today was the first of Toby's three field trips. I did not mention anything about the trip or lunch-making over the past few days. Last night he asked me for a paper bag to use for his lunch! When I saw him getting out the plastic containers he usually uses, I asked curiously, "Why do you think they wanted you to use a paper bag?" He said, "So we can throw everything away after lunch." Then he looked at what he was doing, put the containers away, and got out ziplock bags.

At bedtime I did say something about how he might try to find out in the morning if the teacher wanted him to put his name on the bag. He said he already did that. I said, "You really planned ahead!"

I think I accidentally discovered a strategy that might eventually help Toby get motivated to notice things he is supposed to do. Yesterday while I was taking a bath, he asked to use my phone for his game. I told him to go over his checklist and screentime P&R, then come back when everything was done. He did, and he set his timer and started playing. When I was out of the tub, I discovered a bunch of things that hadn't been done. I interrupted his game and told him I thought he had a few more things to take care of. As the timer ticked away, we went through a mildly excruciating "what do you think you were supposed to do?' and "let's go over your list, what does that mean?" and "hmm, I think I noticed some socks on the couch and some clothes on the bedroom floor, and oh, that washcloth you threw on the floor in the corner of the bathroom." Boy, did he hop to it! It's really the same as denying screen time until everything is done, but he feels it so much more as the minutes evaporate - the timer ticks audibly, that's critical. So this morning we went through basically the same thing, but it required me biting my tongue when he asked to use the computer, rather then giving him a list of things to do first. I am hoping this makes a lasting impression.

He used the computer to find and print dolphin photos for his diorama. It is done, basically a box with three dolphin pictures glued in. The instructions said you could make coral, seaweed, bubbles, etc - but he says dolphins swim in the middle of the ocean where there isn't any of that stuff. Smarty pants. So, about as basic as you can get, but done and totally on his own initiative.

Multiple small successes

There have been some cool things going on here, especially in the sibling dynamic. The kids are getting more automatic about clearing their dishes after meals before asking for dessert - and Toby often urges Hazel by offering to help her. Sometimes she asks him for help and he agrees. Now I am working on getting Toby to scrape his dishes and put them in the dishwasher - to go with Dad's static contribution of kitchen clean-up.

An exchange overheard in the bathtub last week:
H: I love you, and I want those. (some small sponge toys of Toby's)
T: If you love me, you will listen to me.
Somehow they worked it out.

They have also both come to me recently complaining that the other hurt them in some way (eye poke, threw something at, etc). I have responded with things like, "what are you going to do about that?" They usually just walk away, I never even get to the point of offering the problem list.

Tonight I tried Vicki's suggestion of asking Toby about his understanding of the tasks to be done (that haven't been getting done). He was pretty vague but things did get at least sort of done without it feeling like a yucky interaction. I am trying to remember to put the relationship first and not get so bogged down in the daily struggles.

I invited Toby to learn how to clean toilets, and he responded enthusiastically! He was so eager to do it that I could barely show him what to do. And when Dan asked Hazel to do laundry with him, she said, "sure!" Then she ran to me and said, "I did my job!"

Sadly, Toby seems to have bailed on the library thing. He returned books on time three times, got to check out toys and chose the ones he liked when he was four. He lost interest in them quickly, and now he is not motivated to get and return books. I thought reading so many new and varied books would itself entice him. I am disappointed but I know he loves to read, so he will probably come back to it eventually.

Staying out of micro-managing Toby's life: I have the awareness of that diorama project brewing in the back of my mind, but I am determined to stay out of it and see what happens. Toby also has three field trips coming up in the next few weeks, for which he needs to pack lunches that can all be thrown away. I have to restrain myself from reminding him - when I realized that the worst thing that could happen is he has to carry his lunch bag around all day, it became much easier to let go of. And then there's the talent show. No music, no practice, no outfit. I asked him how he might remember which days he needs to wear his "costume" for the dress rehearsals (of course he hasn't chosen any clothes yet), and he put an "X" on those days on his calendar. He said he will remember what the X means. Yeah. I have my fantasy of him wow-ing everyone at school with his dazzling performance, but really it's about his having fun, so who cares what he wears or if he's danced to this music more than once ever before? I just cringe a little inside when a bunch of other mothers talk about choreographing and making costumes for their kids who are all doing an act together - both at how flighty Toby's act is going to be, but also at how these mothers are doing exactly the opposite of what I am trying to do - let the kids run things themselves.

Just for the record, at Hazel's gymnastics class last week I counted the teachers saying "Good job" over twenty times in one half hour. Our children can't escape it!

Changing contributions

Our weekly contributions system has not been working well for Dan. He is often out of the house from 6 in the morning until 7:30 in the evening, Monday through Thursday, and I leave dinner out for him for when he gets home. This means that he typically puts away any leftovers and washes the pots and serving dishes, while I am putting the children to bed. He felt overburdened with additional jobs on those days, so we started thinking about how else we could structure it. I invited Toby into the conversation as well. Ultimately everyone agreed that Dan could have an unchanging contribution of cleaning up dinner (after everyone else has put their own dishes in the dishwasher), taking out the compost, and taking out garbage and recycling on Sundays. And on the three days that he is home, he will do additional stuff as needed.

In the course of this discussion, I asked the children which jobs they like to do and don't like to do. Toby likes emptying the dishwasher and taking out the compost. Hazel likes doing laundry. It got me thinking that letting them do the things they like to do, instead of rotating, might work better for our family. The problem then is that they don't learn to do the other things. I am going to spend some time thinking about this - maybe moving towards a monthly rotation, or doing a job you like all the time, and another job on a rotating basis? This changes the whole structure I created a few weeks ago - but onward and upward! Ideas welcome.

Today's money activity: Toby accepted a birthday party invitation, so I asked him if he would like me to take him shopping for a gift. Our arrangement is that I contribute $10 and he adds in any difference for the gift he wants to buy (and when he turns 7 and his allowance goes up, he is on his own). He chose the store, he said he wanted to look in the toy section, and we browsed for a little while. He chose a $12 pool toy that looked pretty fun (I had been little worried because he has a history of choosing things that he would like rather then the recipient, and choosing things meant for a much younger child). He also picked for himself a DVD on sale for $5, and his favorite toothpaste. He counted out his cash and made the purchase on his own. Also, when we went out to lunch, he bought himself a pretzel, and cookies for himself and his sister. I think he's doing great, gathering little bits of experience here and there.

I looked back over my Timeline for Training lists, and we have made a little progress in some areas, and regressed a little in some other areas. That's another chunk of thinking for me to do this week - and make some plans.

Here we go again...

...another school project, due in June. And with a diorama (which apparently the teacher did not even describe to the kids). Like last time, I asked Toby how he thought he might keep track of when the project is due? "I don't know." I asked if he remembered last time, that he wanted a big piece of paper but we didn't have any - and if he had any ideas of what he wanted for this one, so he could make sure we get the supplies in time. No, no ideas. His plan seems to be to print everything off the Internet, which I suppose is feasible. There was an event at school the other night, and there was a display of boats "made" by the kindergartners - clearly only one or two were actually made by children. There seems to be no inhibition on the part of parents to totally take over their kids' homework projects, to not only do it for them but to make it as elaborate as possible - not even any pretending that their child did it! How can a child ever hope to compare?

Toby has been sick with a fever for the past few days. I have been doing a lot for him since he feels so crummy, and not expecting him to keep up with his family responsibilities very much. When I'm sick, I don't do the laundry or make my bed either. The problem is that getting back to the normal routine is a struggle, just like when we come home from vacation. I tried to talk to him about expectations for the summer, to keep us on track, but he was completely vague. There will be three weeks of summer camp which will mimic the school routine - bedtime, wake up, lunch-making, backpack, catching the bus. I think household responsibilities will not be too hard to maintain (clearing dishes, putting away clothes, etc), but sleep will be all over the place. We will be away from home a lot and that always makes jobs confusing. Also, spending time with lots of other people will make following our family plan more complicated. It will be interesting to see how we make our way through each phase.

Plugging along

At Family Meeting this week, Dan was still away on his trip, so Toby chose to be the chairperson. He ran the meeting very smoothly and remembered all the parts. The kids chose a contribution for Dan since he wasn't there, and when he got home, Hazel asked him to trade with her.

Toby and I worked out a new P&R for playdates.
Rs: - making sure checklist gets done (not necessarily before playdate occurs but that day)
- cleaning up
- solving conflicts without yelling or hurting
- polite behavior
He is supposed to demonstrate these skills for 5 days before playdates can resume. The cleaning up is definitely going to be the hardest part for him. He seems to have no awareness of even when he makes a mess. Today I asked him to clean up a couple of things and mentioned that today couldn't count as Day 1 since I had needed to ask. He has a new game on my phone which he loves, and that has been motivating him to do some clean-up on his own, but the habit is only in its infancy. He also is going to have to make a big shift to solve conflicts with his sister without screaming.

The plan we made to go to the library every Monday has been working beautifully - today was the third time in a row that Toby returned books on time, and we went to the library that checks out toys. He got out two that he loved when he was little and he says they are just as fun as he remembered. In the meantime, he has checked out and repeatedly read about 25 books. Positive all around.

Tired out

My week of single parenting is coming to a close - Dan comes home tomorrow. This afternoon was the first sense of getting a chance to sit down and relax, all week. I don't think Toby has used the computer at all since Dan left. Of the contribution choices, Toby had bathroom this week, which is very minimal - and Hazel had kitchen, which for her means helping put dishes in the dishwasher. So I have been doing basically everything and struggling to keep up. It seems like the kids were doing and learning more about contributions before I changed the structure to specific rooms rather than specific chores. This gives the few jobs potential to grow but right now they are on the smaller side, since the kids defined them. I am tired.

Things were rocky this morning, several episodes of dueling crying. I started out ignoring it, but it kept going and escalating to shrieking. I went to them, told Toby to climb on my back, and I picked up Hazel in front, wrapping each of their legs around my waist and each others' legs. As I clomped along, laden with children, they both started laughing and Toby asked where I was taking them. I said, "Away from being upset." That worked for a while. The next time, he was howling and holding his ears - when I reminded him that we had already solved the problem of too much noise, he shrieked that my talking hurt his ears too. I picked him up and put him outside, saying he could rest his ears until they felt better and then come back in. The next time, I went into my bedroom and locked the door. No one came banging on the door, it just eventually died down and I came out.

The compulsion to intervene in sibling conflict feels universal - like the expectation of other adults is that a parent will stop the conflict or do something in the moment to teach them how to resolve it. I am fairly comfortable staying out of it if there are no witnesses - when other adults are in earshot, it feels like their judgement is that I am neglectful or uncaring. I heard my mother with the kids, raising her voice more and more as she tried to mediate between them (over them), and their crying escalating in response. I was actually surprised today at the number of times there was mutual hysteria without either child coming to involve me.

Guess what? They are both crying right now. Toby just ran into his room and slammed the door. Hazel is crying for me to help her climb down from the big bed, which I have told her I won't do because I don't want her out of the bed - she can get out herself if she wants to. She hasn't asked me to come into bed with her. When is Dan coming home again??

A pearl

Here's a little quickie: I have discovered the incredible value of developing my ability to ignore behavior I don't like - with people other than my children!