Multiple small successes

There have been some cool things going on here, especially in the sibling dynamic. The kids are getting more automatic about clearing their dishes after meals before asking for dessert - and Toby often urges Hazel by offering to help her. Sometimes she asks him for help and he agrees. Now I am working on getting Toby to scrape his dishes and put them in the dishwasher - to go with Dad's static contribution of kitchen clean-up.

An exchange overheard in the bathtub last week:
H: I love you, and I want those. (some small sponge toys of Toby's)
T: If you love me, you will listen to me.
Somehow they worked it out.

They have also both come to me recently complaining that the other hurt them in some way (eye poke, threw something at, etc). I have responded with things like, "what are you going to do about that?" They usually just walk away, I never even get to the point of offering the problem list.

Tonight I tried Vicki's suggestion of asking Toby about his understanding of the tasks to be done (that haven't been getting done). He was pretty vague but things did get at least sort of done without it feeling like a yucky interaction. I am trying to remember to put the relationship first and not get so bogged down in the daily struggles.

I invited Toby to learn how to clean toilets, and he responded enthusiastically! He was so eager to do it that I could barely show him what to do. And when Dan asked Hazel to do laundry with him, she said, "sure!" Then she ran to me and said, "I did my job!"

Sadly, Toby seems to have bailed on the library thing. He returned books on time three times, got to check out toys and chose the ones he liked when he was four. He lost interest in them quickly, and now he is not motivated to get and return books. I thought reading so many new and varied books would itself entice him. I am disappointed but I know he loves to read, so he will probably come back to it eventually.

Staying out of micro-managing Toby's life: I have the awareness of that diorama project brewing in the back of my mind, but I am determined to stay out of it and see what happens. Toby also has three field trips coming up in the next few weeks, for which he needs to pack lunches that can all be thrown away. I have to restrain myself from reminding him - when I realized that the worst thing that could happen is he has to carry his lunch bag around all day, it became much easier to let go of. And then there's the talent show. No music, no practice, no outfit. I asked him how he might remember which days he needs to wear his "costume" for the dress rehearsals (of course he hasn't chosen any clothes yet), and he put an "X" on those days on his calendar. He said he will remember what the X means. Yeah. I have my fantasy of him wow-ing everyone at school with his dazzling performance, but really it's about his having fun, so who cares what he wears or if he's danced to this music more than once ever before? I just cringe a little inside when a bunch of other mothers talk about choreographing and making costumes for their kids who are all doing an act together - both at how flighty Toby's act is going to be, but also at how these mothers are doing exactly the opposite of what I am trying to do - let the kids run things themselves.

Just for the record, at Hazel's gymnastics class last week I counted the teachers saying "Good job" over twenty times in one half hour. Our children can't escape it!