Stay On the Couch
5 years ago
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Improvements
I have to admit, since I let go about clean clothes, bathing, picking up clothes off the floor, and bed-making, I am less of a crazy bitch. Toby has been great about our Monday evening bath agreement, no resistance at all and totally independent except for our tricky broken shower door. Lots of dirty clothes but I think he has worn 3 different shirts to school each week, so not horrible (underwear, um...). I have been scooping up his dirty clothes during the two times a week that he reliably takes them off - bath night Monday and swim lesson Thursday - so he is getting into the routine of not putting dirty clothes back on (he resisted this at first!). Soon I will gradually hand that over to him. Dessert has been a hot issue and very confusing, also playdates - so I need to back off of both of those too. Thinking a lot about appreciations for spouse...
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Before and After
I finally let go and allowed Hazel to make her own choice. Did you ever see such a glowing smile? DONE - with fighting and struggles over conditioner, brushing, combing, braiding, putting it up or back. She is so happy - with her hair, and that I listened to what she really wanted.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Money-money-money!
Right now I am sitting in the car with Hazel while she sleeps, and Toby is inside at a birthday party. Here is the story of the birthday present:
When Toby turned seven and his allowance went up, one new expense that he was told would now be his responsibility, was buying gifts. He has had a big wad of cash in his wallet for ages, and has traded in piles of $1 bills for fives and tens. So the idea that he might not have enough for a gift wasn't really a concern.
His school's book fair happened this week. The way they increase their revenue is by sending the kids in during school time, and having them create a wish list to bring home - for parents to use as a shopping list when we go in for Open House. When Toby showed me his list, I asked if he wanted any help figuring how much money he needed to bring to school, to buy what he wanted. I am thrilled that he wants books, and don't want to discourage it in any way - but library and used books are my preference for sure. I expect him to discover this himself after spending lots of money on new books over the years. Ultimately, he spent about $25 and has been totally absorbed in the books since then. Great experience! Except...
How much did he have left to buy the gift for this party? Complicating the situation is the fact that this friend is the child of a colleague of Dan's. Dan approached me early in the week, basically expressing that allowing Toby to go to the party without an appropriate or possibly any gift, was unacceptable to him. I see it as a personal prestige issue, he sees it as limits of acceptable social behavior, and as unfair to the birthday child and his family. I told Dan to handle it with Toby however he wanted.
Dan reminded him of the party and asked what he wanted to do about a gift. Toby chose a store to go to, and this morning we went. I really wanted to be the one to take him, because I was worried how Dan would handle it if Toby didn't have enough money, or chose something Dan felt wasn't good enough.
Toby did not know how much money he had, but he brought a bank full of change in addition to his wallet. He wanted to get some sort of Lego set. We looked at the various packages, which ranged in price from $8 to $50. The $8 toy really looked tiny. However, he chose that and decided he wanted to give it with something else. Most things he looked at were $15, $20, or more. His final choice was to get two smaller things instead of one larger. It would be a small gift but not ridiculously inappropriate. He made the purchase on his own (while I was in the bathroom!). The only input I gave was to point out the age recommendations on the packages - he likes toys meant for younger kids, and was buying for an older kid. To give him some frame of reference, I told him that most of the gifts he got at his party probably cost between $15 and $25. He replied, "Yeah, but none of those kids had to buy them themselves!"
After the party -
During present-opening, we heard Toby yell out, "I was gonna get that for you, but it was, like, fifteen dollars!" Dan was slightly mortified. This led to another conversation about how my using PonT methods as learning experiences for our children negatively impacts other people. The gift inequity ($5-$10?) he sees as unfair to the birthday child and as potential for our child to get a reputation as a bad gift-giver. I think gift-choosing and -buying is something everyone has to learn and like most things, actually has less impact on other people and our kids if done earlier rather than later in life. Having to part with his own money to give toys to his friends will help him better appreciate the gifts that he receives. And maybe we can use these experiences to instill the value of generous intention over tangible objects - "it's the thought that counts." To decrease materialism and consumerism. Too lofty, high and mighty? And not fair to other children whose parents bought more expensive gifts for ours? Really, I think all these kids have way more junk than is even good for them. Many of my friends encourage other parents to help their kids recycle a used toy into a gift for their own child. I guess the questions are (1) is it really so rude to give a cheaper gift to a kid in a family that does not share these values, and (2) do we as parents have to be involved in any of this?
My feeling was that the message that was being sent was: to be a good friend, or to be socially accepted, you have to give a gift that costs as much as the ones you have received. When I asked Dan if this is what he believes, his response was, "I don't want to be cheap." But it isn't him, it's Toby. That sounds like a personal prestige issue to me. Teaching our kids about the taboos around money in our culture is very complicated.
When Toby turned seven and his allowance went up, one new expense that he was told would now be his responsibility, was buying gifts. He has had a big wad of cash in his wallet for ages, and has traded in piles of $1 bills for fives and tens. So the idea that he might not have enough for a gift wasn't really a concern.
His school's book fair happened this week. The way they increase their revenue is by sending the kids in during school time, and having them create a wish list to bring home - for parents to use as a shopping list when we go in for Open House. When Toby showed me his list, I asked if he wanted any help figuring how much money he needed to bring to school, to buy what he wanted. I am thrilled that he wants books, and don't want to discourage it in any way - but library and used books are my preference for sure. I expect him to discover this himself after spending lots of money on new books over the years. Ultimately, he spent about $25 and has been totally absorbed in the books since then. Great experience! Except...
How much did he have left to buy the gift for this party? Complicating the situation is the fact that this friend is the child of a colleague of Dan's. Dan approached me early in the week, basically expressing that allowing Toby to go to the party without an appropriate or possibly any gift, was unacceptable to him. I see it as a personal prestige issue, he sees it as limits of acceptable social behavior, and as unfair to the birthday child and his family. I told Dan to handle it with Toby however he wanted.
Dan reminded him of the party and asked what he wanted to do about a gift. Toby chose a store to go to, and this morning we went. I really wanted to be the one to take him, because I was worried how Dan would handle it if Toby didn't have enough money, or chose something Dan felt wasn't good enough.
Toby did not know how much money he had, but he brought a bank full of change in addition to his wallet. He wanted to get some sort of Lego set. We looked at the various packages, which ranged in price from $8 to $50. The $8 toy really looked tiny. However, he chose that and decided he wanted to give it with something else. Most things he looked at were $15, $20, or more. His final choice was to get two smaller things instead of one larger. It would be a small gift but not ridiculously inappropriate. He made the purchase on his own (while I was in the bathroom!). The only input I gave was to point out the age recommendations on the packages - he likes toys meant for younger kids, and was buying for an older kid. To give him some frame of reference, I told him that most of the gifts he got at his party probably cost between $15 and $25. He replied, "Yeah, but none of those kids had to buy them themselves!"
After the party -
During present-opening, we heard Toby yell out, "I was gonna get that for you, but it was, like, fifteen dollars!" Dan was slightly mortified. This led to another conversation about how my using PonT methods as learning experiences for our children negatively impacts other people. The gift inequity ($5-$10?) he sees as unfair to the birthday child and as potential for our child to get a reputation as a bad gift-giver. I think gift-choosing and -buying is something everyone has to learn and like most things, actually has less impact on other people and our kids if done earlier rather than later in life. Having to part with his own money to give toys to his friends will help him better appreciate the gifts that he receives. And maybe we can use these experiences to instill the value of generous intention over tangible objects - "it's the thought that counts." To decrease materialism and consumerism. Too lofty, high and mighty? And not fair to other children whose parents bought more expensive gifts for ours? Really, I think all these kids have way more junk than is even good for them. Many of my friends encourage other parents to help their kids recycle a used toy into a gift for their own child. I guess the questions are (1) is it really so rude to give a cheaper gift to a kid in a family that does not share these values, and (2) do we as parents have to be involved in any of this?
My feeling was that the message that was being sent was: to be a good friend, or to be socially accepted, you have to give a gift that costs as much as the ones you have received. When I asked Dan if this is what he believes, his response was, "I don't want to be cheap." But it isn't him, it's Toby. That sounds like a personal prestige issue to me. Teaching our kids about the taboos around money in our culture is very complicated.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Dessert
In Family Meeting this week, Toby presented his problem about having two desserts every day. I asked a few questions to try to get more into the meat of the issue, and we reviewed the Responsibilities that earn dessert (with the avoidance of Screamfests included). We each proposed a solution, and Toby chose his own, which was that if he loses a dessert then he can have three the following day. Hm. Well, Dan agreed to try it and I didn't want to be the bad guy. I couldn't think it out quick enough to have a genuine-sounding reason to reject it, so I agreed also. After the meeting Dan asked me how this is going to work, he loses a dessert basically as a punishment but then just gets it later? My attitude is, first of all, this is a learning process, so let's see what happens. Maybe there won't be any screamfests. Maybe he'll forget the next day. Anyway, it's the same cumulative amount of junk food, it's not like he's getting extra. But I suspect that simply giving him control of the situation will diffuse so much of the strife. That since we agreed to his solution, he feels positive, and loses interest in festing. Hazel, pretty cute - her solution was for him to eat his dessert in a different room (the different room concept relates to the previous solution for coping with loud crying).
Friday, September 10, 2010
Crisis of confidence
Fests have been very quiet, nearly but not quite absent. A huge improvement in my daily quality of life. A lost dessert prompted Toby to write "I need to have two desserts evry day!!!" on the Problem List. Looking forward to that discussion.
I have been feeling very stumped lately - he has been so fresh, provocative, argumentative, and angry. He seems to have migrated from a mostly Attention/some Power child to a full Power/some Revenge. I feel furious - that means we are in a power struggle (obviously), and to work on the dynamic I am supposed to promote his feelings of capability. I am trying to acknowledge lots of things I see him doing ("It's the end of the second week of school, and you have remembered to make and bring your lunch every single day!" etc.), but it also seems like he's doing less and less. A number of tasks he was doing pretty reliably last year have fallen by the wayside. We are having huge struggles over clothing, food, picking up after himself. Well, huge is relative - no yelling or punishments, just our mutual anger about differences in desires. We had an old agreement about clean clothes, he earns the privilege of choosing his own clothing to wear if he wears clean clothes to school. On the days I have picked out clothes for him, since he wore dirty ones the day before, he just got dressed in other clothes. My goal (clean clothes) was accomplished but he defied the agreement. I haven't done anything to enforce agreements, just restated that the way he earns the ability to choose is by demonstrating the responsibility. It seems to me the problem here (the practical problem, not the power conflict) is that he simply has no internal motivator to wear clean clothing. He has no concern about how he is seen by others in regards to his clothing, and he has not experienced any negative social feedback from this behavior. The status of his clothing seems to have taken on a life as a gauge of power dynamics between us. I tried to unravel my value about clean clothing, and unfortunately I think it boils down to personal prestige and nothing much else. Right now it is looking like the only truthful option is to completely let go of it, shut my eyes and mouth, and let him figure out for himself - on his own *gulp* timetable - whether this is of value to him in his own life. The kid could be in really dirty clothes (underpants 5 days old, people!) until he starts wanting to date. Really.
I also feel like food has taken on the same role. I have some real concerns about his nutritional status, but anything I do only amps up the fight. Again, it is looking like my best hope for deflating the power struggle is to stay quiet. He has been mostly respectful of our basic food agreements (you have to eat 3 different food groups to earn dessert, and only 2 sweet treats a day), so we're not fighting about eating candy for breakfast or anything like that. A drop of disputation: he eats way less junk than the average American kid does in the "nutritious" part of their meal. Deep breath - he'll be fine - and if he's not, his doctor can discuss it with him. He's tiny - 7 years old in 5T clothes - and I know a bit self-conscious about it. I did tell him that he needs good nutrition and at least some protein to grow well. Now I should stop talking and nagging, and give it some time. He has a check-up in November, maybe I can have a private conversation with the doctor beforehand.
I have asked him a few times what he thinks should happen if agreements aren't kept. I want to stay away from a punishment model, of removing privileges - but there are several that he is enjoying but not earning. One idea is to start from scratch - tell him he has no privileges until they are earned, and give him the list of responsibilities that we agreed on last year. I don't want to be a big meanie, I want to be positive and supportive and emotionally available! I am not feeling good about all this these days.
I have been feeling very stumped lately - he has been so fresh, provocative, argumentative, and angry. He seems to have migrated from a mostly Attention/some Power child to a full Power/some Revenge. I feel furious - that means we are in a power struggle (obviously), and to work on the dynamic I am supposed to promote his feelings of capability. I am trying to acknowledge lots of things I see him doing ("It's the end of the second week of school, and you have remembered to make and bring your lunch every single day!" etc.), but it also seems like he's doing less and less. A number of tasks he was doing pretty reliably last year have fallen by the wayside. We are having huge struggles over clothing, food, picking up after himself. Well, huge is relative - no yelling or punishments, just our mutual anger about differences in desires. We had an old agreement about clean clothes, he earns the privilege of choosing his own clothing to wear if he wears clean clothes to school. On the days I have picked out clothes for him, since he wore dirty ones the day before, he just got dressed in other clothes. My goal (clean clothes) was accomplished but he defied the agreement. I haven't done anything to enforce agreements, just restated that the way he earns the ability to choose is by demonstrating the responsibility. It seems to me the problem here (the practical problem, not the power conflict) is that he simply has no internal motivator to wear clean clothing. He has no concern about how he is seen by others in regards to his clothing, and he has not experienced any negative social feedback from this behavior. The status of his clothing seems to have taken on a life as a gauge of power dynamics between us. I tried to unravel my value about clean clothing, and unfortunately I think it boils down to personal prestige and nothing much else. Right now it is looking like the only truthful option is to completely let go of it, shut my eyes and mouth, and let him figure out for himself - on his own *gulp* timetable - whether this is of value to him in his own life. The kid could be in really dirty clothes (underpants 5 days old, people!) until he starts wanting to date. Really.
I also feel like food has taken on the same role. I have some real concerns about his nutritional status, but anything I do only amps up the fight. Again, it is looking like my best hope for deflating the power struggle is to stay quiet. He has been mostly respectful of our basic food agreements (you have to eat 3 different food groups to earn dessert, and only 2 sweet treats a day), so we're not fighting about eating candy for breakfast or anything like that. A drop of disputation: he eats way less junk than the average American kid does in the "nutritious" part of their meal. Deep breath - he'll be fine - and if he's not, his doctor can discuss it with him. He's tiny - 7 years old in 5T clothes - and I know a bit self-conscious about it. I did tell him that he needs good nutrition and at least some protein to grow well. Now I should stop talking and nagging, and give it some time. He has a check-up in November, maybe I can have a private conversation with the doctor beforehand.
I have asked him a few times what he thinks should happen if agreements aren't kept. I want to stay away from a punishment model, of removing privileges - but there are several that he is enjoying but not earning. One idea is to start from scratch - tell him he has no privileges until they are earned, and give him the list of responsibilities that we agreed on last year. I don't want to be a big meanie, I want to be positive and supportive and emotionally available! I am not feeling good about all this these days.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Differences
Yesterday we were very busy and occupied, all day until bedtime - but it is still amazing - NOT ONE fest. They had plenty of opportunity, considering the many moments of interaction over the course of the day. And it truly did not seem like they were just stifling them to hold onto dessert - it seemed like they forgot about reacting like that. Mostly it was normal occurrences that passed by uneventfully, as they should, but a few days ago would have produced screaming and crying - and a couple of minor conflicts that got different treatment, more constructive treatment. As I said to Dan the first night, my hope and expectation was just that this would bump them out of the rut of how they had been responding to each other, and they would sort of forget that this had been their routine for the past few weeks. Anyway, even if the fests resume, I had one blissful day of reprieve, and the first headache-free day in a whole week!
Toby also remembered his school project with no reminder or nudging, even with grandparents visiting. I did ask my dad to hold back from initiating any activity with Toby until after the project had happened, if it was going to. He tends to lunge in with ideas and discussions and things he wants to show and teach, which of course Toby loves, and they are engrossed in each other for hours. What I am seeing, and beginning to learn to trust, is that Toby is a last-minute guy. He leaves things until the last possible moment, using up all his time with want-to stuff while his have-to stuff lurks in the shadows. And he does a great job of switching focus just before time has run out, and taking care of whatever it is. This is my total opposite - I can't relax to enjoy anything else until my have-to stuff is done, and I get more and more anxious as a deadline closes in, unless the have-to is completed. So I used to badger him constantly and get so frustrated with him for not attending - but he has a different style that works for him. Now, with this new information, I need to rethink the things I want him to be doing, and how imposing my style undermines his success. I have a feeling reshaping might make all the difference.
Toby also remembered his school project with no reminder or nudging, even with grandparents visiting. I did ask my dad to hold back from initiating any activity with Toby until after the project had happened, if it was going to. He tends to lunge in with ideas and discussions and things he wants to show and teach, which of course Toby loves, and they are engrossed in each other for hours. What I am seeing, and beginning to learn to trust, is that Toby is a last-minute guy. He leaves things until the last possible moment, using up all his time with want-to stuff while his have-to stuff lurks in the shadows. And he does a great job of switching focus just before time has run out, and taking care of whatever it is. This is my total opposite - I can't relax to enjoy anything else until my have-to stuff is done, and I get more and more anxious as a deadline closes in, unless the have-to is completed. So I used to badger him constantly and get so frustrated with him for not attending - but he has a different style that works for him. Now, with this new information, I need to rethink the things I want him to be doing, and how imposing my style undermines his success. I have a feeling reshaping might make all the difference.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Instant gratification??
Whoa, in the past couple of hours since my declaration, they have been playing joyfully together and even created a "hot springs" in the bathroom sink with a sign, bubbles and food coloring. Two minor incidents that would normally have produced huge fests went over quickly and quietly, without grumbling or resentment. This just can't be true - not only are they NOT screaming, they are actually enjoying each other.
On one other note - Toby's first school project is due tomorrow and he mentioned it earlier but now seems to have forgotten about it. He hasn't blown anything so far but each time I get all worked up, waiting for him to take action. He can handle it - either he'll remember it, or he'll learn what his teacher does if he doesn't. Not my problem, not my problem...
On one other note - Toby's first school project is due tomorrow and he mentioned it earlier but now seems to have forgotten about it. He hasn't blown anything so far but each time I get all worked up, waiting for him to take action. He can handle it - either he'll remember it, or he'll learn what his teacher does if he doesn't. Not my problem, not my problem...
Woe is me
Daily screamfest update: Toby asked for some couscous, got himself a spoon, and then Hazel wanted some too. She saw the spoon Toby had chosen and wanted it. He immediately started yelling at her and she started crying. I went downstairs as they escalated. I came back up with a mini ice cream sandwich for each of them, showed them to each of them as I asked them to come with me. They looked very confused but slowed their noise, came and sat on either side of me on the loveseat on the deck. As they ate their sandwiches, I put my arms around them and told them I don't want to live like this, and it seems like they are having a problem with each other that perhaps we can work on during Family Meeting. Toby ate his sandwich super fast and then sort of glared at me as I spoke. Hazel was completely cheered by the ice cream. I asked if they would agree to using Family Meeting for this, and Hazel said yes and Toby sort of nodded. I asked each of them how they would describe their problem that is causing them to cry and yell so loudly and often. He said "it hurts when it's too loud." Hazel said, "it hurts when it's too quiet." Ha ha ha - great. When we came inside, I asked Toby to write his problem on the Problem List and he said no. I asked Hazel to tell me her problem again and she said, "I have a problem when it's too loud or quiet." I wrote that on the list for her.
I thought about Lizzie's comment, how to make it their problem, and what motivates them. I couldn't figure out a directly related sort of consequence, like unplugging the TV if they fight over what to watch. Soon after, another fest erupted because they were both trying to watch a video on the iPhone and Hazel couldn't see. I told them that I just can not live like this any more, and since the only thing I know really motivates them to do things differently is dessert, whenever there is a screamfest, there will be no more dessert for the rest of the day. I expected a big tantrum from Toby over that one, but instead they both seemed to take it in calmly. I suggested that they might be able to come up with other ways to work out their conflicts, with that motivation.
I am unhappy to use dessert and its witholding in this exchange but in the moment it was the best I could do.
Now, typing it out, I see that a directly related motivator is time or contact with me. I am the one who absolutely can't stand being around it. My solution to my problem (that is creating a problem for them to want to resolve) could be that I not only cut off contact for the duration of the screaming, but for some specified period of time. But that feels way too harsh for a toddler who is crying and doesn't really know what's going on with her brother and her mother. Maybe they are not allowed to be together for some period. They do like to play together much more often than not (I think) - it just feels so horrible because the fighting zooms my blood pressure and temper, and it is much harder for me to recover than for them. Now that I said the dessert thing, I will go with that for a little while and see what happens.
I think I will review some Program stuff and maybe try to go back and read some of Flockmother's posts from when her girls were fighting terribly.
I thought about Lizzie's comment, how to make it their problem, and what motivates them. I couldn't figure out a directly related sort of consequence, like unplugging the TV if they fight over what to watch. Soon after, another fest erupted because they were both trying to watch a video on the iPhone and Hazel couldn't see. I told them that I just can not live like this any more, and since the only thing I know really motivates them to do things differently is dessert, whenever there is a screamfest, there will be no more dessert for the rest of the day. I expected a big tantrum from Toby over that one, but instead they both seemed to take it in calmly. I suggested that they might be able to come up with other ways to work out their conflicts, with that motivation.
I am unhappy to use dessert and its witholding in this exchange but in the moment it was the best I could do.
Now, typing it out, I see that a directly related motivator is time or contact with me. I am the one who absolutely can't stand being around it. My solution to my problem (that is creating a problem for them to want to resolve) could be that I not only cut off contact for the duration of the screaming, but for some specified period of time. But that feels way too harsh for a toddler who is crying and doesn't really know what's going on with her brother and her mother. Maybe they are not allowed to be together for some period. They do like to play together much more often than not (I think) - it just feels so horrible because the fighting zooms my blood pressure and temper, and it is much harder for me to recover than for them. Now that I said the dessert thing, I will go with that for a little while and see what happens.
I think I will review some Program stuff and maybe try to go back and read some of Flockmother's posts from when her girls were fighting terribly.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
