Screamfests

This is a huge issue lately, over the past month or two. Whenever Hazel makes a small crying noise, Toby clamps his hands over his ears and either runs from the room, slamming a door behind him, or starts making a loud, awful, repetitive, beeping noise to drown her out. Sort of while crying loudly himself and yelling at her to stop. It sends me through the ceiling. I tried sooo hard to ignore him for a couple of weeks but it was so unbearably irritating, and not going away at all. Finally I told him I just could not tolerate that sound and if he needed to do it, he needed to go outside - and whenever he has done it since then I have opened the door for him or told him to go. Then he cries even louder because he feels punished for something that Hazel started. I try to be very matter-of-fact about it, not punitive. When he yells at her, of course she cries and yells louder too. It is the worst. And this happens several times a day, on average, once five times before 10 a.m.! They do this over a pen, whether one unwrapped the other's candy (even if they didn't eat or even touch the candy), just absolutely anything. She told him he isn't old enough to chew gum, and he lost it. Now that was obviously a joke, since he chews gum all the time! I feel enraged at Toby about it because he is old enough to deal more reasonably with all of this. I never say that and try as hard as I can to prevent my body language from projecting it. Whenever the dual screamfests begin, I calmly walk out of the room, lock the door behind me wherever I go, and wait. As soon as it is quiet, I come out, rejoin them, and move forward to some activity. At most, the only acknowledgement the fest gets is "everybody ready?" when I open the door, and that is rare. Yesterday they had one as soon as he got off the bus, at the bottom of the driveway, and I started walking back up to the house with the garbage cans. I had to keep looking over my shoulder as I got father away from Hazel near the road - but as soon as I felt safe about her distance from the road and her progress in my direction, I just came all the way up. Toby left his backpack down there (it's a long driveway and because it's downhill, you can't see the bottom from the house). A little later I invited them to come jump on the trampoline with me - connecting time with both together, positive interaction for them together, plus physical outlet, right? Another huge screamfest, I can't remember what started it, but Toby was yelling at her that she couldn't come on the trampoline until she was quiet, and she kept crying because he was yelling at her, and then full-force because I came back into the house. Toby was screaming at me from outside, "Come back! We're ready! Come back!" in such a furious tone of voice - I felt awful. The moment it was quiet, I rushed outside and jumped up and started playing a game with them, and we did get to enjoy each other for about 15 minutes.

What the fuck is going on???

I just remembered that I can refer back to how we "solved" the problem of Toby's ears hurting when Hazel cries, at Family Meeting. And encourage him to leave the room (no slamming doors!). I might want to bring this to Family Meeting as a problem for me, since they really did create a solution to the bedtime situation that I didn't expect. Hazel is clearly fully engaged in the battle, but there are times when she genuinely gets hurt and he responds like that and I want to strangle him. So I don't feel so angry at her during the fests, but I don't think she is being coddled too much as the innocent little one. They have been doing Appreciations for each other fairly enthusiastically, and they are always about an activity that they enjoyed together. I am very conscious of giving both of them my full attention when they are telling me something, giving both of them lots of affection, etc. I wonder if Toby is resentful of Hazel because I do things for her that I won't do for him, as he is capable as an older person.

Although I can't see how my actions are involved in the initiation of the fests, I think they must be since things quieted down during DNSN. Not really any headway on that. Also, I remember that mischief in the house greatly decreased when the kids were really busy with contributions - and they haven't been doing so much lately. Maybe refocusing Toby on his contributions will help diffuse some of this craziness. The start of school will be a big help, I think, as they are apart during the day and have other social outlets. I will update.

Observations

First day of school. I insisted that he bathe yesterday, after about a week - grumbling about not wanting to get wet. I offered to teach him how to do a sponge bath, but apparently that's still too wet. He waited until bedtime, but did remember to make his lunch with no reminders. He woke up early today, put on clean clothes, ate nothing, and we had time to read together before going out for the bus. He remembered to ask me to set his timer. Minor mishap: he put tonic water in his sports bottle and it flooded his lunchbox. I asked what he wanted to do, but didn't have the chutzpah to leave him all on his own with that one. He learned why the instructions say no carbonated drinks, for sure. So as far as returning to the school year routine, I stayed out of his way for the most part and he took care of what he needed.

Hazel was still asleep when we had to go out for the bus. When I came in, she was sitting in the coat closet in her pajamas, whimpering, trying to put on her shoes. She had looked all over the house for me and now was planning to come look outside. Very capable girl.

She chaired Family Meeting yesterday - she loves to hold the big wad of money before she gives Toby his allowance. When he picked his Contribution, she yelled out, "and I can help you!" It just amazes me, with all the crying that goes on, that they always insist there are no problems. They are in the habit of choosing something that they've done with each person that week and saying "I liked watching a movie with you" or "I liked swimming with you" as their appreciations, the same for each person. That is fine, but I'd like them to branch out a little. Outside of the meeting, I asked them to think about something they liked about each person, and gave some examples of things I like about each of them. Toby said, "that's too hard."

Dan is concerned about Toby being teased for crying a lot, being labelled a crybaby. He wanted to have a talk with him about it, to try to forewarn him for second grade, and prevent it. I said I didn't think he would alter his behavior because of anything Dan could say to him - he would have to have his own experience and choose from there. Dan did bring it up at Family Meeting - Toby looked suspicious to me. My feeling is that even mentioning it sends a message of disapproval and embarrassment, although Dan said, "this isn't a problem for me, I just wanted to give you the information," or something like that. It reeks of the personal prestige issue to me - both what's wrong with the parent of a kid who does this, as well as projecting his own pain about ever being called names. A definite button for me is provoking shame in our children, so I feel acutely aware of a child's potential emotional response to the comments made by a parent. My own projection, perhaps...

Going through a pile of papers, I found a bunch of old PonT notes I had made, sorting through ideas. Very useful stuff - partly to remind me what I want to do, and also to see how far we've come. While cleaning up after themselves is still a huge challenge, bedtime has become wonderful! The torturous nightmare that plagued me for months - and that came from Family Meeting. From inviting the kids to solve the problem. It still feels hard to believe.

I wrote that the screamfests decreased during DNSN, and they immediately returned when DNSN was over. I mentioned this observation to Toby and asked what he thought that was about. No response. Maybe they are taking their frustration at being nagged and venting it on each other? It seems clear to me that I play a role. That's a puzzle I want to focus on more thoughtfully.

Compromise?

Okay, on day five of these clothes, Toby finally took them off to go in a sprinkler park. Somehow I didn't anticipate the opportunity and hadn't brought clean ones for him to change into when he was done. I decided that I was not giving back the really filthy ones, and was able to scrounge a clean T-shirt, shorts, and underpants from a friend whose son is just a little bigger. Left to his own devices, who only knows how long that would have gone on. Needless to say, he has not bathed.

With still no progress on the playdate P&R, and pressure from Dan about summer vacation slipping away, I offered Toby an alternate way to earn one playdate - clean up all his birthday gift crap that has been carpeting my house for the past 5 days. He worked promptly and rapidly, and had about 80% of it done in twenty or thirty minutes. We decided he would use the playdate tomorrow when it could be longer, rather then this evening. He would finish the job in the morning. And then...

We were having dinner on our back porch when another friend from school arrived at our next-door neighbor's (Toby's best friend). He asked if he could go over to play if he finished his clean-up job now. I agreed to this, and while he was starting to pick things up, both girls appeared in our backyard! This of course made him frantic to get done and out there, and I was holding him back, showing him what needed to be done - not ideal at all. But he did get a lot of it done and then emphatically enjoyed running back and forth between the houses with his friends - and Hazel too. I felt like I lost control of everything when those girls showed up - I could have sent them back, but boy, would that make me the villain. Instead I tried to go with the flow and I think it was okay - I didn't cave on our agreement, and Toby was able to follow through with it (basically). So we got some positive results.

Hazel: "I'm thirsty. I'm thirsty. I'm thirsty. Mama, I'm thirsty."
Me: "Oh, you're thirsty?"
Toby: "So do something about it! You know how to get a drink of water. It's Do Nothing, Say Nothing week, remember?"

He's on Day 4 of the same clothes, gettin' kinda crusty.

Vent/balance

Toby has been opening birthday present packages and spreading out all the little pieces (and packaging) all over the floor, from the front hallway through the kitchen and into the diningroom. He is still wearing the clothes he put on Sunday morning before his party. There is a basket of clean laundry in his room from several days ago that hasn't been touched. There are several pairs of scissors on the family room floor, along with a zillion tiny shards of rigid plastic packaging and bits of cardboard from one of the toys, that are migrating out into the rest of the house. A car snack choice of hummus and crackers on a plate ended up decorating the carseat. Some crazily button-pushing meanness to sister, two incidences of unintentional but unrepentant hurting.

On the other hand, two full days into it and there are only two dishes on the table - everything else got put into the dishwasher. Two empty cracker boxes on the table, but no perishables left out. Candy, gum, and tonic water have only exceeded their usual limits by a small amount. He did brush his teeth twice today. Several successful negotiations with sister, both happy with the results.

Hazel's dishes, leftovers, toys, clothes, and diapers are just left anywhere. She is dressing herself, getting in and out of the car on her own, and has not thrown anything today.

They are both in bed now. And only two dueling crying episodes today.

I am finding it much harder to stay quiet about the mess this time.

DNSN, #2

Here we go on another round of Do Nothing, Say Nothing. I felt like I was always reminding, reminding, nagging, reminding... so to get me to stop, we have a few days to devote to this before getting back into the school year routine. Today I refrained from about 70% of the interfering that I have been doing lately. An interesting observation: there have been sooo many dual screamfests lately - they set each other off - I think five times yesterday before 10 a.m. - and today only two, all day. It never seems as if I am playing any part in their initiation, but I think DNSN helped calm the undercurrent of volatility. I was disappointed to see how many of our daily routines do get dropped if I don't participate in some way (as soon as, check the P&R, etc). However, Toby did step up to do a few things on his own initiative, that he has been asking me to do all the time recently. I looked back over my old lists of things they do, won't do, and don't yet know how to do - a few items have progressed, although I would have hoped for more. It is challenging to gauge what to do and not do for Hazel - what are simply my assumptions about her limitations? She is still only two, for God's sake, but pretty damn capable when she's got good incentive. I walked in on her rinsing out the bowl of her potty chair after pouring her pee into the toilet - copying what she's seen me do for her.

I have been looking for ways to remain supportive and encouraging while refusing to do for, or to engage during useless behavior. Several times today when the children asked me to help them with something, if I just said okay and stood by, they finished the job themselves. Or I said show me what you can do, and what part you need help with, and they did it all themselves. So much more positive than a no, or really even "I have faith that you can do that" (which I also said a lot).

My hopes for the week: re-learn how to bite my tongue about messes, get a more accurate picture of what Toby's highest priority training needs are right now, remind him how much the family needs his participation to keep things running smoothly.

My reward for today: crazy outfit Hazel dressed herself in to go to the library (tank top, shorts, wool hat, one mitten, one bicycle glove, no shoes), and Toby's hysterical running commentary - "It's not cold out, you don't need a hat and mittens, it's summer, why don't you just put on long sleeves - oh, do what you want, I don't care!"

Playdates revisited

Some time ago, I posted about Toby's P&R for playdates. It just has not been working at all. We reviewed it at Family Meeting last week, and afterward Dan expressed his feeling that it was too demanding, too difficult to achieve. He does not like the idea of Toby missing playdates during the last weeks of summer vacation. At first I thought Toby really only needed to work on the clean-up part of it, the rest was fairly accomplished - but then we had days and days of screaming and poking and pushing. After considering all this information together, I asked the two of them what they thought about a change. Instead of a big P&R for playdates in general, we could start with a small goal that earned one playdate, and then gradually build on that. They both thought this was a good approach to try. We agreed on putting all of his dishes in the dishwasher within 15 minutes of being done with them, and no hurting, for 3 days. These are much, much smaller chunks of the original goals that I hope to progress toward over time. So far today, no hurting but dishes not done. I am holding onto faith that he will get this soon.

Trying new things

My father and stepmother had their 25th wedding anniversary in June. Their gift from us was a professional photography shoot for them with the grandchildren, which took place at our house this evening. The kids had been given lots of forewarning and requests for cooperation to contribute to Grandma and Grandpa's gift. The tension began as I was trying to get them out of the tub to get ready. Then into their clothes. Not eating. Not climbing on the swing set. Not lying on the ground. They did cooperate quite a bit, but it was very hot and humid, the end of a long, no-nap day. When Toby finally got to the point, after lots of coming and going, of refusing to participate in the photos any more, this is what I did, on the spur of the moment. I told him how much it cost us to pay the photographer for the amount of time she was spending with us. I told him how much money he would need to pay me back for the amount of that time he was wasting, when she could not get the shots she wanted because he was not cooperating. At first he just looked puzzled, but pretty quickly got back to the group and the photographer was able to finish up. It felt very manipulative, but I suppose still much better than yelling. He certainly reacted better to this approach.

Later in the evening, there got to be an episode of dual crying/screaming, I think over some apple slices? Or maybe it was bunny crackers. This and a few other provocative interactions, and I wanted to scream at them and shove them in their room and shut the door. But -- I was able to take a deep breath and comment how tough the photo shoot had been since it was so hot and everyone was so tired and impatient. It wasn't instant, but everything de-escalated and most importantly, I managed to avoid making things worse. To stop for a second, see where things were headed, and choose another path - any other path, really.

Camp

Today was Toby's first day of camp. He did a week at another camp in mid-July, so a similar routine is fairly recent, and he's been to this camp in previous years. What he needs to do is very much like school: pack his lunch and his backpack (towel and dry clothes for after swimming), get himself up, washed and dressed, get some breakfast, and ready to leave when the timer goes off - then after, clean out backpack and lunch bag. Since it is the beginning of a new routine and he is still only six, I did give a few nudges yesterday (what do you need to do to be ready for camp tomorrow?), and he made his lunch last night. This morning he packed his backpack but almost left for camp without it (do you have everything you need?). Tonight I have not offered any prods - and he is now asleep, his backpack in my car with today's wet stuff. No lunch made, no swimming stuff ready. I am feeling tense but keep trying to remind myself that the worst things that could happen are he misses the bus getting ready, or he goes without any of that stuff and is hungry and can't swim. Not the end of the world. If I can stay quiet tomorrow, I won't screw up the learning. Send duct tape vibes!