Year-end assessment

Last night I re-read the whole blog. As I went, I made a list of each issue or skill that has improved over the past year. It's huge! So affirming to see it in print.

Toby:
waking up on time by himself
making lunch independently
doing homework and projects without reminders
brushing teeth without reminders
willing to be responsible for checking out library books
folding and putting away laundry
showering independently
saying "please" and "thank you" spontaneously
agreeing to requests, helping out
thinking of Appreciations
asking for timer to be set in the morning, out to bus on time
clearing dishes after dinner
stopped using pull-ups at night
no spitting
uses timer for computer time consistently, without reminders
table manners
rudeness/bossiness/shrieking/arguing much improved, now rare
Screamfests much less often


Hazel:
getting off big bed by herself
using the toilet
getting dressed and undressed by herself
putting on/taking off shoes and coat
using "please, thank you, you're welcome"
thinking of Appreciations
getting a drink of water
washing hands
sleeping much improved
nearly weaned
sleeps until 7 a.m.
cooperates with bedtime routine

How immensely gratifying, to see returns on the enormous energy investment I have made with all the PonT strategies. Big motivator to stick with it!

Giving thanks

Today I helped in Toby's classroom with a Thanksgiving project. Toby stepped away from his project several times to come kiss or hug me. I suppose it could just be his personality, or our family style - but it could also have something to do with Vicki's story about other mothers asking her how she and her children appeared to actually like each other. I didn't notice any other parents getting kisses in class. For this in my life I am thankful!

Make and serve him breakfast?

So - I had resigned from making or even suggesting breakfasts for Toby, some time ago. Sometimes he ate, sometimes not, I kept quiet. I found a microwave oatmeal he really liked and could make himself, and then he was eating breakfast very consistently for awhile. We had the opportunity to have a conversation about how he feels different in his body at school when he eats in the morning vs. not. But eventually the allure of the new oatmeal waned and he went back to once or twice a week having no breakfast at all. I was dealing with it okay.

Yesterday he had his annual doctor visit, and his weight is in the first percentile (99% of kids his age weigh more) and his height is in the 4th. The doctor was very disturbed about the breakfast thing and really insisted that he eat something before school, and that I make sure it happens. There are more details but I guess this is sliding into the "morally or physically dangerous" area in which we are supposed to intervene. Although we do know several other families in which the kids were tiny and the parents were tormented by the pediatricians - all children of physicians, and all kids who eat a variety of healthy foods. Anyway, I feel frustrated because I know Toby is perfectly capable of bringing a baggie of Cheerios to school to eat, vs. buying a box of Cheerios at school. He likes to use his allowance to buy breakfast at school, and as long as he has the money, he buys it and eats it. But I am not willing to finance this as it costs one TENTH to eat the same foods from home.

I am going to spend a couple of weeks preparing and serving him simple breakfasts, which he can eat at home or take with him. Then I am going to work on gradually having him take over the items one at a time, so he is still eating from home but he is taking care of it himself. Did I surrender that to him too early? The doctor said it is unusual for kids to not want to eat in the morning, when they aren't eating breakfast it is most often because there is no food in the house - but I know from other PonT blogs that plenty of these kids will leave the house without eating if left to their own devices. The difference is, I'm sure, are the kids being presented with something tasty and appealing in front of them, ready to eat with no effort on their part? I would eat every day if someone was doing that for me.

Finding the balance...

Quick update

Things have been running along fairly smoothly here. Screamfests seem to have (knock wood!) died down quite a bit. They are so much less frequent and they are brief. It is a miracle! I really don't know what did it - I spent months leaving the room and closing the door, weeks taking away dessert, and finally sort of decided to just back off?? Everything is just plugging along - we started a different Contributions organization a month or so ago and that's working pretty well. There are two piles of tongue depressor sticks, one with daily jobs and one with as-needed jobs, and we each pick two of each type. The sticks have magnets on the back and everything goes on a magnetic white board, four jobs under each person's name, displayed in the kitchen. The kids are not doing too much on their own initiative but they do a lot with "Yes, As Soon As." Dan has been pretty content with the new arrangement. There is opportunity for trading sticks in the meeting, one of each type. We have had one week of each child planning the dinners! Very entertaining - I prompt for multiple food groups and they pick items to round out the meals. During Toby's week we had pasta three nights out of four.

Lots of different specific situations have come up that seemed interesting enough for the blog, relevant enough in regards to PonT, but I didn't get to it. Here is today's:

We have been planning to cancel our TV service, which we started a month or so ago in connection with getting faster internet service (which was the real goal, but couldn't be accessed without also purchasing the TV). Now that the internet is established, we can cancel the TV and keep the fast internet. I was going to do it today, and before I got to it, Toby announced that there is going to be an AWESOME SpongeBob special on November 11th. The kids knew that our TV service was temporary and was going to be cancelled soon. I told him that I had been planning to do it today, but perhaps we could figure out a compromise. I offered to calculate how much the TV cost per day, then the total for keeping it 9 extra days, and split that evenly with him. If it was worth that amount of money to him to keep the TV long enough to watch this show, then I would be willing to pay half. I asked if that sounded fair, and he agreed. When he found out it would only cost him $5, he was thrilled and thought he got a great deal.

Groceries

I have been trying to figure out how to train Toby to grocery shop. Previously, when he picked that as his contribution, I would bring him with me and ask him questions about how to find things in the store as we went through. I always ended up feeling impatient, annoyed, rushed, and angry - and I'm sure he didn't get much out of it. So I realized that trying to bring him into the major weekly shop for the family is too pressured and overwhelming, for both of us. Today I did a big shop just with Hazel, and left about 10 items from the list. When Toby came home from school, we went to the store and I gave him the list. We had lots of time and my primary objective was to support his learning. I followed him around the store as he looked for the items on the list, and when he saw additional things he wanted, we decided whether he would buy them himself or if they would be part of the family purchase. I said I would be happy to pay for anything marginally healthy, that we don't already have a bunch of at home. We went halvsies on a chocolate cake (his idea). Things went well (although very, very slowly) until Hazel started crying about something - I think maybe Toby gave her a little shove. He lost it, as usual, so there we are in the store with a screamfest in progress. I told them we had to leave, and he started screaming that he needed to buy some more things. I managed to calm Hazel (who had not napped and got a very painful flu shot this morning) and then we were able to get our last two items. We celebrated a successful shop in the car on the way home. Later I explained that if an adult started screaming in the store, security would escort them out, and so if they do that, we also need to leave immediately - it is too disruptive to other shoppers. I think he got a lot more out of this trip than any other grocery shopping trip, the scaled-down goal was a big improvement. Today's experience taught me to limit his list to things I can do without, so if we have to abandon our groceries, it's fine with me. Create a situation in which success is achievable, and focus on the goal (the learning, not the ingredients!).

Improvements

I have to admit, since I let go about clean clothes, bathing, picking up clothes off the floor, and bed-making, I am less of a crazy bitch. Toby has been great about our Monday evening bath agreement, no resistance at all and totally independent except for our tricky broken shower door. Lots of dirty clothes but I think he has worn 3 different shirts to school each week, so not horrible (underwear, um...). I have been scooping up his dirty clothes during the two times a week that he reliably takes them off - bath night Monday and swim lesson Thursday - so he is getting into the routine of not putting dirty clothes back on (he resisted this at first!). Soon I will gradually hand that over to him. Dessert has been a hot issue and very confusing, also playdates - so I need to back off of both of those too. Thinking a lot about appreciations for spouse...

Before and After

I finally let go and allowed Hazel to make her own choice. Did you ever see such a glowing smile? DONE - with fighting and struggles over conditioner, brushing, combing, braiding, putting it up or back. She is so happy - with her hair, and that I listened to what she really wanted.

Money-money-money!

Right now I am sitting in the car with Hazel while she sleeps, and Toby is inside at a birthday party. Here is the story of the birthday present:

When Toby turned seven and his allowance went up, one new expense that he was told would now be his responsibility, was buying gifts. He has had a big wad of cash in his wallet for ages, and has traded in piles of $1 bills for fives and tens. So the idea that he might not have enough for a gift wasn't really a concern.

His school's book fair happened this week. The way they increase their revenue is by sending the kids in during school time, and having them create a wish list to bring home - for parents to use as a shopping list when we go in for Open House. When Toby showed me his list, I asked if he wanted any help figuring how much money he needed to bring to school, to buy what he wanted. I am thrilled that he wants books, and don't want to discourage it in any way - but library and used books are my preference for sure. I expect him to discover this himself after spending lots of money on new books over the years. Ultimately, he spent about $25 and has been totally absorbed in the books since then. Great experience! Except...

How much did he have left to buy the gift for this party? Complicating the situation is the fact that this friend is the child of a colleague of Dan's. Dan approached me early in the week, basically expressing that allowing Toby to go to the party without an appropriate or possibly any gift, was unacceptable to him. I see it as a personal prestige issue, he sees it as limits of acceptable social behavior, and as unfair to the birthday child and his family. I told Dan to handle it with Toby however he wanted.

Dan reminded him of the party and asked what he wanted to do about a gift. Toby chose a store to go to, and this morning we went. I really wanted to be the one to take him, because I was worried how Dan would handle it if Toby didn't have enough money, or chose something Dan felt wasn't good enough.

Toby did not know how much money he had, but he brought a bank full of change in addition to his wallet. He wanted to get some sort of Lego set. We looked at the various packages, which ranged in price from $8 to $50. The $8 toy really looked tiny. However, he chose that and decided he wanted to give it with something else. Most things he looked at were $15, $20, or more. His final choice was to get two smaller things instead of one larger. It would be a small gift but not ridiculously inappropriate. He made the purchase on his own (while I was in the bathroom!). The only input I gave was to point out the age recommendations on the packages - he likes toys meant for younger kids, and was buying for an older kid. To give him some frame of reference, I told him that most of the gifts he got at his party probably cost between $15 and $25. He replied, "Yeah, but none of those kids had to buy them themselves!"

After the party -
During present-opening, we heard Toby yell out, "I was gonna get that for you, but it was, like, fifteen dollars!" Dan was slightly mortified. This led to another conversation about how my using PonT methods as learning experiences for our children negatively impacts other people. The gift inequity ($5-$10?) he sees as unfair to the birthday child and as potential for our child to get a reputation as a bad gift-giver. I think gift-choosing and -buying is something everyone has to learn and like most things, actually has less impact on other people and our kids if done earlier rather than later in life. Having to part with his own money to give toys to his friends will help him better appreciate the gifts that he receives. And maybe we can use these experiences to instill the value of generous intention over tangible objects - "it's the thought that counts." To decrease materialism and consumerism. Too lofty, high and mighty? And not fair to other children whose parents bought more expensive gifts for ours? Really, I think all these kids have way more junk than is even good for them. Many of my friends encourage other parents to help their kids recycle a used toy into a gift for their own child. I guess the questions are (1) is it really so rude to give a cheaper gift to a kid in a family that does not share these values, and (2) do we as parents have to be involved in any of this?

My feeling was that the message that was being sent was: to be a good friend, or to be socially accepted, you have to give a gift that costs as much as the ones you have received. When I asked Dan if this is what he believes, his response was, "I don't want to be cheap." But it isn't him, it's Toby. That sounds like a personal prestige issue to me. Teaching our kids about the taboos around money in our culture is very complicated.

Dessert

In Family Meeting this week, Toby presented his problem about having two desserts every day. I asked a few questions to try to get more into the meat of the issue, and we reviewed the Responsibilities that earn dessert (with the avoidance of Screamfests included). We each proposed a solution, and Toby chose his own, which was that if he loses a dessert then he can have three the following day. Hm. Well, Dan agreed to try it and I didn't want to be the bad guy. I couldn't think it out quick enough to have a genuine-sounding reason to reject it, so I agreed also. After the meeting Dan asked me how this is going to work, he loses a dessert basically as a punishment but then just gets it later? My attitude is, first of all, this is a learning process, so let's see what happens. Maybe there won't be any screamfests. Maybe he'll forget the next day. Anyway, it's the same cumulative amount of junk food, it's not like he's getting extra. But I suspect that simply giving him control of the situation will diffuse so much of the strife. That since we agreed to his solution, he feels positive, and loses interest in festing. Hazel, pretty cute - her solution was for him to eat his dessert in a different room (the different room concept relates to the previous solution for coping with loud crying).

Crisis of confidence

Fests have been very quiet, nearly but not quite absent. A huge improvement in my daily quality of life. A lost dessert prompted Toby to write "I need to have two desserts evry day!!!" on the Problem List. Looking forward to that discussion.

I have been feeling very stumped lately - he has been so fresh, provocative, argumentative, and angry. He seems to have migrated from a mostly Attention/some Power child to a full Power/some Revenge. I feel furious - that means we are in a power struggle (obviously), and to work on the dynamic I am supposed to promote his feelings of capability. I am trying to acknowledge lots of things I see him doing ("It's the end of the second week of school, and you have remembered to make and bring your lunch every single day!" etc.), but it also seems like he's doing less and less. A number of tasks he was doing pretty reliably last year have fallen by the wayside. We are having huge struggles over clothing, food, picking up after himself. Well, huge is relative - no yelling or punishments, just our mutual anger about differences in desires. We had an old agreement about clean clothes, he earns the privilege of choosing his own clothing to wear if he wears clean clothes to school. On the days I have picked out clothes for him, since he wore dirty ones the day before, he just got dressed in other clothes. My goal (clean clothes) was accomplished but he defied the agreement. I haven't done anything to enforce agreements, just restated that the way he earns the ability to choose is by demonstrating the responsibility. It seems to me the problem here (the practical problem, not the power conflict) is that he simply has no internal motivator to wear clean clothing. He has no concern about how he is seen by others in regards to his clothing, and he has not experienced any negative social feedback from this behavior. The status of his clothing seems to have taken on a life as a gauge of power dynamics between us. I tried to unravel my value about clean clothing, and unfortunately I think it boils down to personal prestige and nothing much else. Right now it is looking like the only truthful option is to completely let go of it, shut my eyes and mouth, and let him figure out for himself - on his own *gulp* timetable - whether this is of value to him in his own life. The kid could be in really dirty clothes (underpants 5 days old, people!) until he starts wanting to date. Really.

I also feel like food has taken on the same role. I have some real concerns about his nutritional status, but anything I do only amps up the fight. Again, it is looking like my best hope for deflating the power struggle is to stay quiet. He has been mostly respectful of our basic food agreements (you have to eat 3 different food groups to earn dessert, and only 2 sweet treats a day), so we're not fighting about eating candy for breakfast or anything like that. A drop of disputation: he eats way less junk than the average American kid does in the "nutritious" part of their meal. Deep breath - he'll be fine - and if he's not, his doctor can discuss it with him. He's tiny - 7 years old in 5T clothes - and I know a bit self-conscious about it. I did tell him that he needs good nutrition and at least some protein to grow well. Now I should stop talking and nagging, and give it some time. He has a check-up in November, maybe I can have a private conversation with the doctor beforehand.

I have asked him a few times what he thinks should happen if agreements aren't kept. I want to stay away from a punishment model, of removing privileges - but there are several that he is enjoying but not earning. One idea is to start from scratch - tell him he has no privileges until they are earned, and give him the list of responsibilities that we agreed on last year. I don't want to be a big meanie, I want to be positive and supportive and emotionally available! I am not feeling good about all this these days.

Differences

Yesterday we were very busy and occupied, all day until bedtime - but it is still amazing - NOT ONE fest. They had plenty of opportunity, considering the many moments of interaction over the course of the day. And it truly did not seem like they were just stifling them to hold onto dessert - it seemed like they forgot about reacting like that. Mostly it was normal occurrences that passed by uneventfully, as they should, but a few days ago would have produced screaming and crying - and a couple of minor conflicts that got different treatment, more constructive treatment. As I said to Dan the first night, my hope and expectation was just that this would bump them out of the rut of how they had been responding to each other, and they would sort of forget that this had been their routine for the past few weeks. Anyway, even if the fests resume, I had one blissful day of reprieve, and the first headache-free day in a whole week!

Toby also remembered his school project with no reminder or nudging, even with grandparents visiting. I did ask my dad to hold back from initiating any activity with Toby until after the project had happened, if it was going to. He tends to lunge in with ideas and discussions and things he wants to show and teach, which of course Toby loves, and they are engrossed in each other for hours. What I am seeing, and beginning to learn to trust, is that Toby is a last-minute guy. He leaves things until the last possible moment, using up all his time with want-to stuff while his have-to stuff lurks in the shadows. And he does a great job of switching focus just before time has run out, and taking care of whatever it is. This is my total opposite - I can't relax to enjoy anything else until my have-to stuff is done, and I get more and more anxious as a deadline closes in, unless the have-to is completed. So I used to badger him constantly and get so frustrated with him for not attending - but he has a different style that works for him. Now, with this new information, I need to rethink the things I want him to be doing, and how imposing my style undermines his success. I have a feeling reshaping might make all the difference.

Instant gratification??

Whoa, in the past couple of hours since my declaration, they have been playing joyfully together and even created a "hot springs" in the bathroom sink with a sign, bubbles and food coloring. Two minor incidents that would normally have produced huge fests went over quickly and quietly, without grumbling or resentment. This just can't be true - not only are they NOT screaming, they are actually enjoying each other.

On one other note - Toby's first school project is due tomorrow and he mentioned it earlier but now seems to have forgotten about it. He hasn't blown anything so far but each time I get all worked up, waiting for him to take action. He can handle it - either he'll remember it, or he'll learn what his teacher does if he doesn't. Not my problem, not my problem...

Woe is me

Daily screamfest update: Toby asked for some couscous, got himself a spoon, and then Hazel wanted some too. She saw the spoon Toby had chosen and wanted it. He immediately started yelling at her and she started crying. I went downstairs as they escalated. I came back up with a mini ice cream sandwich for each of them, showed them to each of them as I asked them to come with me. They looked very confused but slowed their noise, came and sat on either side of me on the loveseat on the deck. As they ate their sandwiches, I put my arms around them and told them I don't want to live like this, and it seems like they are having a problem with each other that perhaps we can work on during Family Meeting. Toby ate his sandwich super fast and then sort of glared at me as I spoke. Hazel was completely cheered by the ice cream. I asked if they would agree to using Family Meeting for this, and Hazel said yes and Toby sort of nodded. I asked each of them how they would describe their problem that is causing them to cry and yell so loudly and often. He said "it hurts when it's too loud." Hazel said, "it hurts when it's too quiet." Ha ha ha - great. When we came inside, I asked Toby to write his problem on the Problem List and he said no. I asked Hazel to tell me her problem again and she said, "I have a problem when it's too loud or quiet." I wrote that on the list for her.

I thought about Lizzie's comment, how to make it their problem, and what motivates them. I couldn't figure out a directly related sort of consequence, like unplugging the TV if they fight over what to watch. Soon after, another fest erupted because they were both trying to watch a video on the iPhone and Hazel couldn't see. I told them that I just can not live like this any more, and since the only thing I know really motivates them to do things differently is dessert, whenever there is a screamfest, there will be no more dessert for the rest of the day. I expected a big tantrum from Toby over that one, but instead they both seemed to take it in calmly. I suggested that they might be able to come up with other ways to work out their conflicts, with that motivation.

I am unhappy to use dessert and its witholding in this exchange but in the moment it was the best I could do.

Now, typing it out, I see that a directly related motivator is time or contact with me. I am the one who absolutely can't stand being around it. My solution to my problem (that is creating a problem for them to want to resolve) could be that I not only cut off contact for the duration of the screaming, but for some specified period of time. But that feels way too harsh for a toddler who is crying and doesn't really know what's going on with her brother and her mother. Maybe they are not allowed to be together for some period. They do like to play together much more often than not (I think) - it just feels so horrible because the fighting zooms my blood pressure and temper, and it is much harder for me to recover than for them. Now that I said the dessert thing, I will go with that for a little while and see what happens.

I think I will review some Program stuff and maybe try to go back and read some of Flockmother's posts from when her girls were fighting terribly.

Screamfests

This is a huge issue lately, over the past month or two. Whenever Hazel makes a small crying noise, Toby clamps his hands over his ears and either runs from the room, slamming a door behind him, or starts making a loud, awful, repetitive, beeping noise to drown her out. Sort of while crying loudly himself and yelling at her to stop. It sends me through the ceiling. I tried sooo hard to ignore him for a couple of weeks but it was so unbearably irritating, and not going away at all. Finally I told him I just could not tolerate that sound and if he needed to do it, he needed to go outside - and whenever he has done it since then I have opened the door for him or told him to go. Then he cries even louder because he feels punished for something that Hazel started. I try to be very matter-of-fact about it, not punitive. When he yells at her, of course she cries and yells louder too. It is the worst. And this happens several times a day, on average, once five times before 10 a.m.! They do this over a pen, whether one unwrapped the other's candy (even if they didn't eat or even touch the candy), just absolutely anything. She told him he isn't old enough to chew gum, and he lost it. Now that was obviously a joke, since he chews gum all the time! I feel enraged at Toby about it because he is old enough to deal more reasonably with all of this. I never say that and try as hard as I can to prevent my body language from projecting it. Whenever the dual screamfests begin, I calmly walk out of the room, lock the door behind me wherever I go, and wait. As soon as it is quiet, I come out, rejoin them, and move forward to some activity. At most, the only acknowledgement the fest gets is "everybody ready?" when I open the door, and that is rare. Yesterday they had one as soon as he got off the bus, at the bottom of the driveway, and I started walking back up to the house with the garbage cans. I had to keep looking over my shoulder as I got father away from Hazel near the road - but as soon as I felt safe about her distance from the road and her progress in my direction, I just came all the way up. Toby left his backpack down there (it's a long driveway and because it's downhill, you can't see the bottom from the house). A little later I invited them to come jump on the trampoline with me - connecting time with both together, positive interaction for them together, plus physical outlet, right? Another huge screamfest, I can't remember what started it, but Toby was yelling at her that she couldn't come on the trampoline until she was quiet, and she kept crying because he was yelling at her, and then full-force because I came back into the house. Toby was screaming at me from outside, "Come back! We're ready! Come back!" in such a furious tone of voice - I felt awful. The moment it was quiet, I rushed outside and jumped up and started playing a game with them, and we did get to enjoy each other for about 15 minutes.

What the fuck is going on???

I just remembered that I can refer back to how we "solved" the problem of Toby's ears hurting when Hazel cries, at Family Meeting. And encourage him to leave the room (no slamming doors!). I might want to bring this to Family Meeting as a problem for me, since they really did create a solution to the bedtime situation that I didn't expect. Hazel is clearly fully engaged in the battle, but there are times when she genuinely gets hurt and he responds like that and I want to strangle him. So I don't feel so angry at her during the fests, but I don't think she is being coddled too much as the innocent little one. They have been doing Appreciations for each other fairly enthusiastically, and they are always about an activity that they enjoyed together. I am very conscious of giving both of them my full attention when they are telling me something, giving both of them lots of affection, etc. I wonder if Toby is resentful of Hazel because I do things for her that I won't do for him, as he is capable as an older person.

Although I can't see how my actions are involved in the initiation of the fests, I think they must be since things quieted down during DNSN. Not really any headway on that. Also, I remember that mischief in the house greatly decreased when the kids were really busy with contributions - and they haven't been doing so much lately. Maybe refocusing Toby on his contributions will help diffuse some of this craziness. The start of school will be a big help, I think, as they are apart during the day and have other social outlets. I will update.

Observations

First day of school. I insisted that he bathe yesterday, after about a week - grumbling about not wanting to get wet. I offered to teach him how to do a sponge bath, but apparently that's still too wet. He waited until bedtime, but did remember to make his lunch with no reminders. He woke up early today, put on clean clothes, ate nothing, and we had time to read together before going out for the bus. He remembered to ask me to set his timer. Minor mishap: he put tonic water in his sports bottle and it flooded his lunchbox. I asked what he wanted to do, but didn't have the chutzpah to leave him all on his own with that one. He learned why the instructions say no carbonated drinks, for sure. So as far as returning to the school year routine, I stayed out of his way for the most part and he took care of what he needed.

Hazel was still asleep when we had to go out for the bus. When I came in, she was sitting in the coat closet in her pajamas, whimpering, trying to put on her shoes. She had looked all over the house for me and now was planning to come look outside. Very capable girl.

She chaired Family Meeting yesterday - she loves to hold the big wad of money before she gives Toby his allowance. When he picked his Contribution, she yelled out, "and I can help you!" It just amazes me, with all the crying that goes on, that they always insist there are no problems. They are in the habit of choosing something that they've done with each person that week and saying "I liked watching a movie with you" or "I liked swimming with you" as their appreciations, the same for each person. That is fine, but I'd like them to branch out a little. Outside of the meeting, I asked them to think about something they liked about each person, and gave some examples of things I like about each of them. Toby said, "that's too hard."

Dan is concerned about Toby being teased for crying a lot, being labelled a crybaby. He wanted to have a talk with him about it, to try to forewarn him for second grade, and prevent it. I said I didn't think he would alter his behavior because of anything Dan could say to him - he would have to have his own experience and choose from there. Dan did bring it up at Family Meeting - Toby looked suspicious to me. My feeling is that even mentioning it sends a message of disapproval and embarrassment, although Dan said, "this isn't a problem for me, I just wanted to give you the information," or something like that. It reeks of the personal prestige issue to me - both what's wrong with the parent of a kid who does this, as well as projecting his own pain about ever being called names. A definite button for me is provoking shame in our children, so I feel acutely aware of a child's potential emotional response to the comments made by a parent. My own projection, perhaps...

Going through a pile of papers, I found a bunch of old PonT notes I had made, sorting through ideas. Very useful stuff - partly to remind me what I want to do, and also to see how far we've come. While cleaning up after themselves is still a huge challenge, bedtime has become wonderful! The torturous nightmare that plagued me for months - and that came from Family Meeting. From inviting the kids to solve the problem. It still feels hard to believe.

I wrote that the screamfests decreased during DNSN, and they immediately returned when DNSN was over. I mentioned this observation to Toby and asked what he thought that was about. No response. Maybe they are taking their frustration at being nagged and venting it on each other? It seems clear to me that I play a role. That's a puzzle I want to focus on more thoughtfully.

Compromise?

Okay, on day five of these clothes, Toby finally took them off to go in a sprinkler park. Somehow I didn't anticipate the opportunity and hadn't brought clean ones for him to change into when he was done. I decided that I was not giving back the really filthy ones, and was able to scrounge a clean T-shirt, shorts, and underpants from a friend whose son is just a little bigger. Left to his own devices, who only knows how long that would have gone on. Needless to say, he has not bathed.

With still no progress on the playdate P&R, and pressure from Dan about summer vacation slipping away, I offered Toby an alternate way to earn one playdate - clean up all his birthday gift crap that has been carpeting my house for the past 5 days. He worked promptly and rapidly, and had about 80% of it done in twenty or thirty minutes. We decided he would use the playdate tomorrow when it could be longer, rather then this evening. He would finish the job in the morning. And then...

We were having dinner on our back porch when another friend from school arrived at our next-door neighbor's (Toby's best friend). He asked if he could go over to play if he finished his clean-up job now. I agreed to this, and while he was starting to pick things up, both girls appeared in our backyard! This of course made him frantic to get done and out there, and I was holding him back, showing him what needed to be done - not ideal at all. But he did get a lot of it done and then emphatically enjoyed running back and forth between the houses with his friends - and Hazel too. I felt like I lost control of everything when those girls showed up - I could have sent them back, but boy, would that make me the villain. Instead I tried to go with the flow and I think it was okay - I didn't cave on our agreement, and Toby was able to follow through with it (basically). So we got some positive results.

Hazel: "I'm thirsty. I'm thirsty. I'm thirsty. Mama, I'm thirsty."
Me: "Oh, you're thirsty?"
Toby: "So do something about it! You know how to get a drink of water. It's Do Nothing, Say Nothing week, remember?"

He's on Day 4 of the same clothes, gettin' kinda crusty.

Vent/balance

Toby has been opening birthday present packages and spreading out all the little pieces (and packaging) all over the floor, from the front hallway through the kitchen and into the diningroom. He is still wearing the clothes he put on Sunday morning before his party. There is a basket of clean laundry in his room from several days ago that hasn't been touched. There are several pairs of scissors on the family room floor, along with a zillion tiny shards of rigid plastic packaging and bits of cardboard from one of the toys, that are migrating out into the rest of the house. A car snack choice of hummus and crackers on a plate ended up decorating the carseat. Some crazily button-pushing meanness to sister, two incidences of unintentional but unrepentant hurting.

On the other hand, two full days into it and there are only two dishes on the table - everything else got put into the dishwasher. Two empty cracker boxes on the table, but no perishables left out. Candy, gum, and tonic water have only exceeded their usual limits by a small amount. He did brush his teeth twice today. Several successful negotiations with sister, both happy with the results.

Hazel's dishes, leftovers, toys, clothes, and diapers are just left anywhere. She is dressing herself, getting in and out of the car on her own, and has not thrown anything today.

They are both in bed now. And only two dueling crying episodes today.

I am finding it much harder to stay quiet about the mess this time.

DNSN, #2

Here we go on another round of Do Nothing, Say Nothing. I felt like I was always reminding, reminding, nagging, reminding... so to get me to stop, we have a few days to devote to this before getting back into the school year routine. Today I refrained from about 70% of the interfering that I have been doing lately. An interesting observation: there have been sooo many dual screamfests lately - they set each other off - I think five times yesterday before 10 a.m. - and today only two, all day. It never seems as if I am playing any part in their initiation, but I think DNSN helped calm the undercurrent of volatility. I was disappointed to see how many of our daily routines do get dropped if I don't participate in some way (as soon as, check the P&R, etc). However, Toby did step up to do a few things on his own initiative, that he has been asking me to do all the time recently. I looked back over my old lists of things they do, won't do, and don't yet know how to do - a few items have progressed, although I would have hoped for more. It is challenging to gauge what to do and not do for Hazel - what are simply my assumptions about her limitations? She is still only two, for God's sake, but pretty damn capable when she's got good incentive. I walked in on her rinsing out the bowl of her potty chair after pouring her pee into the toilet - copying what she's seen me do for her.

I have been looking for ways to remain supportive and encouraging while refusing to do for, or to engage during useless behavior. Several times today when the children asked me to help them with something, if I just said okay and stood by, they finished the job themselves. Or I said show me what you can do, and what part you need help with, and they did it all themselves. So much more positive than a no, or really even "I have faith that you can do that" (which I also said a lot).

My hopes for the week: re-learn how to bite my tongue about messes, get a more accurate picture of what Toby's highest priority training needs are right now, remind him how much the family needs his participation to keep things running smoothly.

My reward for today: crazy outfit Hazel dressed herself in to go to the library (tank top, shorts, wool hat, one mitten, one bicycle glove, no shoes), and Toby's hysterical running commentary - "It's not cold out, you don't need a hat and mittens, it's summer, why don't you just put on long sleeves - oh, do what you want, I don't care!"

Playdates revisited

Some time ago, I posted about Toby's P&R for playdates. It just has not been working at all. We reviewed it at Family Meeting last week, and afterward Dan expressed his feeling that it was too demanding, too difficult to achieve. He does not like the idea of Toby missing playdates during the last weeks of summer vacation. At first I thought Toby really only needed to work on the clean-up part of it, the rest was fairly accomplished - but then we had days and days of screaming and poking and pushing. After considering all this information together, I asked the two of them what they thought about a change. Instead of a big P&R for playdates in general, we could start with a small goal that earned one playdate, and then gradually build on that. They both thought this was a good approach to try. We agreed on putting all of his dishes in the dishwasher within 15 minutes of being done with them, and no hurting, for 3 days. These are much, much smaller chunks of the original goals that I hope to progress toward over time. So far today, no hurting but dishes not done. I am holding onto faith that he will get this soon.

Trying new things

My father and stepmother had their 25th wedding anniversary in June. Their gift from us was a professional photography shoot for them with the grandchildren, which took place at our house this evening. The kids had been given lots of forewarning and requests for cooperation to contribute to Grandma and Grandpa's gift. The tension began as I was trying to get them out of the tub to get ready. Then into their clothes. Not eating. Not climbing on the swing set. Not lying on the ground. They did cooperate quite a bit, but it was very hot and humid, the end of a long, no-nap day. When Toby finally got to the point, after lots of coming and going, of refusing to participate in the photos any more, this is what I did, on the spur of the moment. I told him how much it cost us to pay the photographer for the amount of time she was spending with us. I told him how much money he would need to pay me back for the amount of that time he was wasting, when she could not get the shots she wanted because he was not cooperating. At first he just looked puzzled, but pretty quickly got back to the group and the photographer was able to finish up. It felt very manipulative, but I suppose still much better than yelling. He certainly reacted better to this approach.

Later in the evening, there got to be an episode of dual crying/screaming, I think over some apple slices? Or maybe it was bunny crackers. This and a few other provocative interactions, and I wanted to scream at them and shove them in their room and shut the door. But -- I was able to take a deep breath and comment how tough the photo shoot had been since it was so hot and everyone was so tired and impatient. It wasn't instant, but everything de-escalated and most importantly, I managed to avoid making things worse. To stop for a second, see where things were headed, and choose another path - any other path, really.

Camp

Today was Toby's first day of camp. He did a week at another camp in mid-July, so a similar routine is fairly recent, and he's been to this camp in previous years. What he needs to do is very much like school: pack his lunch and his backpack (towel and dry clothes for after swimming), get himself up, washed and dressed, get some breakfast, and ready to leave when the timer goes off - then after, clean out backpack and lunch bag. Since it is the beginning of a new routine and he is still only six, I did give a few nudges yesterday (what do you need to do to be ready for camp tomorrow?), and he made his lunch last night. This morning he packed his backpack but almost left for camp without it (do you have everything you need?). Tonight I have not offered any prods - and he is now asleep, his backpack in my car with today's wet stuff. No lunch made, no swimming stuff ready. I am feeling tense but keep trying to remind myself that the worst things that could happen are he misses the bus getting ready, or he goes without any of that stuff and is hungry and can't swim. Not the end of the world. If I can stay quiet tomorrow, I won't screw up the learning. Send duct tape vibes!

it's all relative

Mother to older daughter: "I want you to apologize to your sister."
Older daughter: "Okay, okay - sorry - wait, what is this for?"
Mother: "I don't know, there was something going on."

There's nothing like spending time with other families to make the contrast more glaring. Even if we have tense moments, hot issues, and snippy interactions, overall the whole tone of family dynamics is so different. Generally non-punitive, positive, suggesting rather than demanding, asking rather than telling. No name-calling or "you always..." or "you never..." The point I want to make is, even if we're only middling with PonT, we're still treating our children more respectfully and more constructively than a lot of parents out there. It makes me see our positive moments more, and focus on our negative moments less. Love my kids.

self-control

I watched some of a MomTV replay in which Vicki was talking about self-control. Controlling our own actions and reactions, both to get rid of the interfering negative behaviors we impose on our children - and to model for them how to intentionally behave positively toward others. It made a big impression on me - that all those times I say something snotty I am actually teaching my kids that it is okay to do that to people. Thinking about this has helped me stay calmer and a bit more on top of my responses, to avoid so many instances where I would normally say something hurtful or damaging to the relationship. I had a conversation with Toby about how I am practicing self-control to get better at it - to avoid being mean - and my hope is that being very up front with him about it will encourage him to follow. I'm not feeling so very thoughtful about everything in the swirl of summertime activities, but this is a recurring theme.

Vacation

The rest of our multi-grandparent trip unfolded very nicely. The first day at Hershey Park reminded me that we need to work out certain agreements beforehand - regarding snacks, treats, money, etc. I found myself feeling put upon by too many requests, and heard myself saying no and lecturing about why. So the next day, we set out all the expectations before we left the hotel room: adults will buy meals and drinks, children each get a daily chunk of cash to use for treats, games, souveniers, etc. They can use their own money in addition. On the day we went to the chocolate factory, they could eat whatever they wanted (either free or purchased by themselves) while we were there, then no more sweets for the rest of the day. This all worked out perfectly. After Toby had spent all his daily money plus some of his allowance on a big bag of chocolate, we were at the amusement park and he wanted to play a game. "Oh, too bad you don't have any money left," I say. "Yeah," says he. At Sesame Place, Hazel spent about 20 minutes in the gift shop, picking up rogressively smaller Elmos until she found one about 3 inches tall that she could afford. She carried him around for a while until she found some Silly Bands. She didn't have enough money for both, put Elmo back, bought the Silly Bands, and was completely content. ZERO begging, whining, or crying, from either of them. Amazing.

My dad got into some trouble when he fronted Toby money to play a game, which Toby said he would pay back at the hotel. It was one of those "Everyone's a Winner" games, so Toby got a stuffed plush pig - and of course Hazel wanted a pig too. My father did not want to lend Hazel the money for the game because he knew that she didn't have any in the hotel room to pay him back. I told him he had to - his knowledge about Toby's money in the room was too complex for Hazel to understand why she was getting different treatment. Then they had identical pigs - Toby solved that by taking the tag off his.

Advance planning and involving the kids in forming the agreements will now be a permanent part of my temptation-management arsenal!

Since then, we were home for a few days and now are visiting friends in another part of the country. Contributions have pretty much evaporated, we are following the structure of this household. One struggle right now is holding the kids to certain routines from home - fulfilling the Rs for dessert, screentime, etc. Very basic - brush your teeth and pick up the Legos before you plop in front of the TV for an hour. The hardest part is that things we consider privileges are, here, neither earned nor limited. I am being as flexible as I can bear, but we already had a week of more sweets than usual - I don't want this to be the new daily expectation. This is even a struggle with my husband - his flexibility for vacation takes the form of utter inconsistency - you have to drink water between cups of juice but here's a chocolate bar at 10 a.m. Of course I don't expect other families to change their routines for us, but some people intuitively compromise to help all parties stay closer to their principles - and others don't. I was actually teased this morning for giving our friend's kids Life cereal for breakfast, which they accepted and ate contentedly - instead of Reese's chocolate peanut-butter cereal. The adults are harder to deal with than the kids.

That said, I have found myself physically removing my children from the house several times, to cry or scream outside where it will be less bothersome to other people. Putting them outdoors makes them scream even more, at the humiliation of being overpowered. Under the circumstances, I do think this is the best compromise - the children know that screaming in the house bothers people and that I won't allow it in other people's homes, the expectation is clear. Dan is really struggling with Hazel's resistance to getting her teeth brushed or diaper changed - pretty much every time he is responsible for either of these tasks, he ends up physically overpowering her - with all the emotional consequences that entails. I have tried offering alternative strategies that work for me, as well as empathy and the assurance that I have these interactions with her also. I have to resign myself to the fact that he shapes his own relationship with them and I can't control it. Have to go now, the crowd is on the move - I'm sure there's more to come.

PonT on the road

I spent the last four days at my mother's with the children, and began my efforts to be consistent with our at-home PonT routines during a summer of lots of travelling. Before we left home, I initiated a P&R discussion with Toby about each place we are visiting this summer - safety in crowded public attractions, continuing Contributions as applicable in each setting, extending the behavior Rs from home to grandparents' houses, etc.

Last week we went to a water/amusement park and everybody had a great time - Toby agreed to certain limitations ahead of time, which made it much easier for me to keep track of both kids myself and let Hazel play also. I also told them I would buy each child one treat at the park, and if they wanted anything else they could buy it themselves. Toby forgot his money and wanted to play a midway game. On his own, he decided to find out how much the game cost before getting his treat, and them chose to use that money just for the game - he won two prizes, got no ice cream, and was thrilled! Me too. All the planning ahead helped us have a great day.

Things got trickier at my mother's. She, like most adults I think, could barely restrain herself from picking up after the children, clearing their dishes, or folding their laundry. There was lots of extra commentary on what everyone was eating or not eating, wearing or not wearing, doing or not doing. One particularly stark moment was when we met an acquaintance of hers who suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder, on a walk. He immediately rattled off a list of concerns about Toby's condition (Your shoe is untied. Your shirt is inside out. Your backpack is unzipped.), none of which were problems for Toby.

The kids, at my mother's invitation, sorted through the games, books, and toys that she has for them. With a small amount of help from me, they were able to agree on a significant pile of stuff that they were both willing to discard. They loaded it up in a wagon, Toby decided on prices, we made signs, and they were off to have a sale. My mom and her friends swooped down on them and made some strong suggestions about price changes and specials for friends. They did make $6, and Toby offered a free item to any kid without money.

Sibling conflict was another situation that received more adult interference than at home. There was plenty of it, but all brief flare-ups. Toby, especially, increases in volume and duration if his fire is fed any attention. Before we went, we discussed how small Grandma's house is and how any screaming in the house affects everyone. There is a free-standing bedroom out behind the main house, and the children agreed that if anyone was screaming, they would go into the back house until they were done. Toby went out there himself a couple of times when he was upset, but there was one instance when Hazel started crying and my mother whisked her out to the back house by herself. That did not feel right to me, so I was challenged to try to explain to my mother how I envisioned the system working.

When I hear a cry or scream:
First, I decide if it sounds like pain or upset. If it sounds like serious pain, I go check it out. Otherwise, I wait a few minutes - most often it dies down. If anyone comes to me, I respond in a neutral/redirecting way, and it dies down. If the noise continues and sounds like for noise's sake, then I encourage the child to the back house to calm down/express themselves without bothering other people.

As I was going through this progression of responses, it was very clear that only a parent or full-time caregiver can identify these subtleties in the sounds. However, things went pretty well, the kids cooperated for the most part, and the adults avoided any major conflict!

iPhone

Had a self-success today - used my PonT perspective to avert a disaster ripping down the turnpike. Toby was playing games on my phone in the car and I needed to check my email for the address that we were driving to. He surrendered it willingly the first time, but... when I needed the phone again to call the person to come out to meet us, he got very freshy about my interrupting him again. He had started an irate tirade when I said, "Stop talking!" and got out of the car to talk on the phone. He started crying. I knew I had to breathe and start again. When I got back in the car, I asked him how he thought we could work this out so it was okay for both of us. Instead of giving a stern lecture about speaking respectfully, and withholding the phone. I said I couldn't remember the responsibilities of using the phone, did he? We pieced together a few of them, and I said I was pretty sure one of them was returning it when asked. He agreed. I handed the phone back to him. Show me.

Visit to school

I went to Toby's class last week for an event they were putting on for the parents. I got to see all the other reports and dioramas. There was one other diorama that looked like it had actually been made by a first-grader. The mother of the girl with the biggest, most elaborate one said to me, "I got a little carried away with this one. I love science projects!" So I have to remember that all the fancy projects looked as though they were even designed by a parent, as well as parent-assisted in construction - the children do not have ownership. It is good for my child for me to allow him to have one of the simplest projects in the class. It is good for him to look at the other projects and decide what he wants his future projects to be, on his own, not from my suggestions.

After the class jeopardy game and the class play, the teacher said she had a special treat for us. My child got up in the front of the room and danced his talent show solo for all the parents, while the rest of the class followed the teacher in a conga line around the room. Why does he never mention these things at home? It was thrilling for me, I was very proud of his self-assuredness. I tried really hard to keep my comments encouraging instead of praise. It's a really long song, but there are these adorable bursts of energy every once in a while.

Summer begins

Tomorrow is the last day of school, and summer begins. I know our routines are going to be sorely challenged because we have several trips to different settings planned. What works at home is different from what works at grandma's house is different from in a hotel, etc. I did bring up the clean clothes issue with Toby - I asked him, since the goal had been to wear clean clothes to school, how he would like to handle this issue when there is no school. He said he didn't know (stock first answer), so I told him I thought if we let it go during the summer, it might be very hard to get back into the routine in September, and what did he think? He suggested we keep the same goal for weekdays. Love it! The same as during the school year, from his own mouth - way more than I expected.

I think Contributions will work the same way as during the rest of the year, when we are at home. P&Rs should work the same way. I haven't considered summer activities as Ps and what their Rs might be - great conversation to have with Toby this week, may open up some new Rs.

Since I last posted progress did occur. Toby remembered to ask for his timer to be set several days last week. Both children seem to have settled into our new bedtime routine, in their own ways. Usually I lie down with them for 10 minutes, then I leave and Hazel follows me. Dan goes in to Toby for a while. Hazel entertains herself quietly in the room with me either until she falls asleep on the floor, or I go to bed and she comes with me. A few times, she skipped her nap and fell asleep in her bed early. I was feeling like her falling asleep all over the place was crazy and needed fixing, but now I am willing to go with it for a while. The big accomplishment is that I can use my evenings for something now, besides putting children to sleep.

Another big change recently is that I stopped nursing Hazel first thing in the morning. I changed the first nursing of the day from wake-up to after breakfast. My hope was that without the incentive, she would sleep later in the morning. She has still been waking up consistently at 5 and coming to my bed, asking to nurse. I say after breakfast and she cries a little and goes back to sleep. The crying was, from the first day, much less than I expected. It has been getting less and less, and for the past 2 days, she has not asked to nurse when she comes in! She has sometimes forgotten about it by after breakfast, and she has missed a lot of naptime nursing either by falling asleep while we are driving or by skipping nap. The net effect is suddenly, much less nursing overall - which I am very pleased about. Hazel seems mostly untroubled by it, which is great.

Quickies

Quick updates on the last two posts:

remembering to set the timer for the bus -
Tuesday - Grandma was here, she reminded him
Wednesday - I was out at yoga, don't know what happened
Thursday - he asked me to set it, but couldn't find it, then he forgot about it - at very last minute, I told Hazel she needed to put on clothes if she didn't want to get left in the house when it was time - Toby jumped to get ready, and made it
Friday - he totally forgot - at the very last moment, Dan suddenly said, "how did it get so late?" - Toby jumped and made it

So not really any great effect from the day he missed it, yet. Next plan is allow him to be late for school.

bedtime -
Wednesday - Dan was on the phone when he was supposed to come in to the kids - I was going to stay with them until he got there, I fell asleep with them
Thursday - Hazel fell asleep pretty quickly, I stayed with Toby a few more minutes, then left and he stayed in bed

Maybe some progress there - Toby seems to understand how seriously I don't want to hang out in there all evening. Hazel is still totally unwilling to fall asleep without an adult.

Bedtime secret

At Family Meeting this week, the Problem List arrived with my problem: "I have a problem when I have to spend and hour or more every night helping children get to sleep." Toby started to protest, "It's not me..." but we quickly moved right on to solutions without discussion.

Dan: I should go down to the neighbor's house at 8 o'clock every night so the kids get used to going to sleep without me.
me: I will give both children sleeping pills every night so they fall asleep quickly.
Toby: I can go out of the room after ten minutes of snuggling and they will stay in bed.
Hazel did not have anything to say.

Dan expressed concern that sleeping pills aren't so safe for children - this was the one Toby wanted to try ;). I chose Toby's solution and we started fist-or-five for consensus to try it for a week. Hazel said no and put up two fists. We explained the system and the solution and she did the same thing. We asked her how she would change that solution to work better, and after a few times she actually said, "Daddy come in." So we asked her if she meant I snuggle with the kids for 10-15 minutes, then leave and Dan goes in - yes! And everyone agreed to try it for a week!

What happened the first three nights was one, both, or neither of them:
- came to bed when my chunk of snuggle time started.
- stayed in bed during the snuggle time.
- left the room when I did.
Toby ultimately went to bed in his room himself sometime before ten each night. Hazel consistently refused - once she stayed up with me until past ten when we went to bed together with Dan in our bed. One night they both sat quietly in the room where I was working until around ten, when Toby went to bed and Hazel stayed - eventually falling asleep on the couch. The next night she fell asleep on my bedroom floor. So if you look at the kids, this is a ridiculous, chaotic mess - but if you look at me, it's great! I hang out in their room from about 8:30-8:45, then leave and do whatever I want, for as long as I want! They lurk around but do not bother me. I do not engage with them or tell them to go to bed, I just go about my business. So the problem I posted really is solved - next I had to look at their crazy non-bedtime routine, and figure out what the real problem is and how to go about changing it.

Today I have discovered the solution to all our problems!!! Tonight was perfect: Hazel went to bed at 8, fell asleep after 10 minutes of snuggling. Toby went to bed at 8:30, we snuggled 10 minutes, I left, he stayed in bed.

Here is the secret: NO NAP FOR HAZEL.

If no one is around to entertain him, Toby will stay in bed or read quietly. To eliminate the nap, I would have to keep her busy all day and not drive her anywhere after 10 a.m. This can be done, but will require a lot of advance planning. You would not believe the amount of stuff I have accomplished in the last four evenings. I know it's just one night but I am jubilant with even a clue where to go from here - this situation has been tormenting me for months.

Missed the bus

Today was a big test for me and I did it! I stayed quiet and let some natural consequences play out. Toby forgot all about his timer and getting out for the bus on time. He read books and played a little pinball game. He did brush his teeth and get his backpack ready, but is wearing dirty clothes from yesterday. The morning went along, I made breakfast for myself and Hazel, we ate, I cleaned up, started getting her out of her pajamas... He usually goes out for the bus a few minutes before 8 and it comes a few minutes after. At ten of, I resigned myself to the fact that he would not be on that bus, and let out all my tension with a deep breath. I literally bit my tongue to stop from saying anything to nudge him to notice. Finally, he brought me his timer and asked me to set it for him, at 8:05. I said, "Oh, it's five after, it would have gone off already." He said, "Let's go!" and we went out, leaving a mostly-undressed Hazel in the house. I figured the bus had already come and gone, but out we went, to see it driving down the street away from us. There was the option of running after it to the place where it comes out of a cul-de-sac, but he said, "maybe we should just drive."

Now - refusing to drive a 6-year-old to school the first time he misses the bus on his own, is way beyond what I can stomach. It is more than 2 miles away. If I really had some reason I couldn't do it promptly, I would have made him wait, but it was fine to take him this morning. I felt like just the impact of missing the bus is enough for him digest today.

When we got back into the house, he ran over to Hazel and started pulling her pants onto her. He kept telling us to hurry, hurry. I told him we had a little time since the bus has to stop at everyone's house on the way, so I got ready but not frantically (as I did when he missed the bus on the first day of school!). He was buckled in the car, waiting for us as Hazel and I put on our shoes. He told Hazel to get into her car seat "as fast as you can." When we got to school, he kept telling me to hurry, to park, to come - although there were hoards of other parents dropping off kids and he was clearly not late. I think this made a big impression on him. He said a few times on the way, "I will not forget my backpack, I will not forget my backpack." Can't wait to see how he remembers the timer from now on!

A tidbit

Just another example from the daily grind of PonT in action:

As we were getting into the car, Toby asked to use my phone. Then Hazel also wanted to use the phone. Toby suggested he use it on the way to our destination and she could use it on the way back. She didn't go for that and started whining. Then he said, "You can use it on the way there and I'll use it on the way back." Great! I thanked him and as I was buckling her into her seat, he said, "Actually, I want to use it on the way there." She started howling and then he started howling, so I said, "Let me know when you guys are ready to go," and shut the door. I took in the sunshine for a minute to two until he knocked on the car window. I opened the door and asked if they had come to a solution - he said, "I don't know" as he held his hand out for the phone. I asked if they needed me to make the decision. When Toby said yes, I told them my decision was that the phone stays in my pocket. He started crying loudly as I walked around to the driver's door, then pulled himself together and said, "She can use it on the way there." Again, I said, "Great! Thanks." As we were driving, I commented that they will probably usually like their own solutions better than mine, and Toby agreed. From start to finish, the whole drama was about 4 minutes, with I think no bad-feeling residue. He, if not she, got the message loud and clear that I will not mediate or get sucked into their disputes, and I am happy to take charge if they opt for that but it is to their advantage to work it out themselves.

"Toby took my money."

Yesterday Hazel happened to mention, "Toby took my money." I asked her about it and she said he put it in his money bag. This obviously wasn't this week, since she had her pickle outing, but I do remember last week wondering where her money had gone to. I asked her how she might prevent this from happening. She didn't have much to offer, so then I asked if she would like me to help her figure out how to put her money in a safe place. She found a little zipper change purse and declared that her new money bag.

Today she said, with Toby present, "I put my money in my purple money bag so Toby no take it." I asked him if he had taken her money, and he said, "well, it was just lying on the floor." We all talked about how if there is money lying around, anyone might pick it up. I suggested Hazel watch what Toby does as soon as he gets his money, which is to immediately put it in his bag. I asked her what she's going to do with her allowance tomorrow, and she parroted, "Put it in a safe place." Where? "In my purple money bag." So she is starting to learn about this - the best part was Toby's honesty.

At breakfast today, Toby kept asking me to get or do things for him. He wanted me to cut the edge off his waffle (he hates the crusty bit). When I said he could do this himself, he grumbled until I asked if he remembered the conversation we had about him learning how to do things as well as he would like to. I said, "Come on, I'll help you, I'll teach you." I showed him a tiny bit of how I do it and encouraged him to cut the rest, which he did just fine. He was less resistant than I expected. I have been trying to acknowledge capabilities he demonstrates when he's internally motivated - for example, when he's getting himself dessert, he has no difficulty bringing a step stool over and unlocking the cabinet. I mentioned how quick and easy that seemed to be for him, then said I expected him to always be able to do that for himself.

After spending a frustrating hour last night getting the kids to bed, I ranted to Dan that I wanted to implement something new - they have to be in bed, lights out, teeth brushed, by 8:30 to get 15 minutes of snuggle time and then I'm outta there, door shut! But of course that's such a radical departure from how things go now, it would inevitably lead to lots of crying and screaming and door-slamming. Dan suggested I put it on the Problem List - tongue in cheek? But it actually sounded like a decent idea - present the problem to the kids and see what they come up with. I know parents aren't supposed to put problems on the list, but it seemed like a better idea than mine. Tomorrow is our meeting, send good vibes! My solution suggestion is going to be sleeping pills for both children, every night.

Power

Toby has been pissing me off. He wouldn't try the food I made for dinner last night; he wanted me to make his sandwich instead; when he made it he left the bread crusts on the kitchen floor; he wanted me to bring him a washcloth to wipe up his spill; he left the washcloths on the floor; then after I asked him to put them in the laundry, he threw them near but not in the laundry basket. He's been mean to his sister. Then at bedtime he wants to snuggle and doesn't want me to leave until he's asleep. I have managed, I think, fairly well at containing my temper and asking questions instead of yelling to deal with these situations. The thing to remember here is that he's seeking power, trying to taunt me into a power struggle - and the remedy is to support his movement toward greater capability. Since he was sick a couple of weeks ago, he has been asking me to do all sorts of things for him that he'd been doing reasonably independently before. I need to gently back out again and encourage him to keep trying. Here is my new approach - instead of saying, "I'm confident you can figure this out." He wants me to grate the cheese for his pasta and to spread the peanut butter on his sandwich, because he doesn't do it as well. I asked him if he would like to be able to do these things the way I do, and he said yes. So I responded, "Okay, then that's something for us to work on together." Just his body language seemed more receptive to that, than to just saying I knew he could do it himself.

Big kids

Toby did his dolphin report about 98% independently the other day - he only asked me for a little help searching around a website for the specific information he was missing. He typed it all up and made a very accurate illustration. He brought the report and the diorama to school today, two weeks ahead of the due date! A "science award" paper came home with him, which he taped to his closet door for display. Proud of himself!

He's also taken the Talent Show dress rehearsal thing to heart. Today was the last one and tomorrow is the show. He was looking all over last night for the same shirt he wore, randomly, for the first dress rehearsal. It was in the bottom of the dirty laundry basket - but he wore it today, refusing to wash it last night. Stinky! But this is his version of responsibility, following the instructions that he has to wear the same thing for both rehearsals and the show. I did encourage him to hand it over for washing this evening.

This weekend was Hazel's first experience of buying something with her own money! We were visiting my mother, where there is a small general grocery a couple of blocks from her house. Right after Family Meeting, she said, "I want to go to the store and buy something with my two monies!" ($2). We walked over there and she looked at lots of things, and decided on a big fat pickle from the old-fashioned pickle barrel. They sell by the pound and miraculously it was exactly two dollars. She was so happy! She did drop it on the ground on the walk home, but a little rinsing and good as new. I had to remind my mother that Hazel was not obligated to share it, even if she didn't want to eat it - it was hers to do with as she liked. Toby forgot his peppermint patty when we were packing up to leave, and my mother did ask me if she should give it to him (no). He hasn't mentioned it. I don't know if she is going to save it for him, or have herself a little treat...

"I have to wear this?"

Today was the first dress rehearsal for Toby's school talent show. Although I gave him a note last night so he could stay after school today for the rehearsal, he was surprised to discover from a friend at the bus stop this morning that it was today. He realized that since it was a dress rehearsal, he would be expected to wear the clothes he had on as his costume for the actual show. He seemed stunned, but not upset. No need for it to bother me, and if it doesn't bother him, there's no problem.

He has been very focused this week on cleaning up his school things in the afternoons. His seems very motivated to earn playdates as a privilege. The funny thing is that he was oblivious the past few weeks - until Dan took the kids out over the weekend with Toby's friend. Somehow they decided that since it wasn't a playdate at either child's house, it would be okay, just this once. I was annoyed about it, but it looks like it may have reminded Toby how much he likes to spend time with Kelly - and lit a fire under him to meet his responsibilities.

One down!

Today was the first of Toby's three field trips. I did not mention anything about the trip or lunch-making over the past few days. Last night he asked me for a paper bag to use for his lunch! When I saw him getting out the plastic containers he usually uses, I asked curiously, "Why do you think they wanted you to use a paper bag?" He said, "So we can throw everything away after lunch." Then he looked at what he was doing, put the containers away, and got out ziplock bags.

At bedtime I did say something about how he might try to find out in the morning if the teacher wanted him to put his name on the bag. He said he already did that. I said, "You really planned ahead!"

I think I accidentally discovered a strategy that might eventually help Toby get motivated to notice things he is supposed to do. Yesterday while I was taking a bath, he asked to use my phone for his game. I told him to go over his checklist and screentime P&R, then come back when everything was done. He did, and he set his timer and started playing. When I was out of the tub, I discovered a bunch of things that hadn't been done. I interrupted his game and told him I thought he had a few more things to take care of. As the timer ticked away, we went through a mildly excruciating "what do you think you were supposed to do?' and "let's go over your list, what does that mean?" and "hmm, I think I noticed some socks on the couch and some clothes on the bedroom floor, and oh, that washcloth you threw on the floor in the corner of the bathroom." Boy, did he hop to it! It's really the same as denying screen time until everything is done, but he feels it so much more as the minutes evaporate - the timer ticks audibly, that's critical. So this morning we went through basically the same thing, but it required me biting my tongue when he asked to use the computer, rather then giving him a list of things to do first. I am hoping this makes a lasting impression.

He used the computer to find and print dolphin photos for his diorama. It is done, basically a box with three dolphin pictures glued in. The instructions said you could make coral, seaweed, bubbles, etc - but he says dolphins swim in the middle of the ocean where there isn't any of that stuff. Smarty pants. So, about as basic as you can get, but done and totally on his own initiative.

Multiple small successes

There have been some cool things going on here, especially in the sibling dynamic. The kids are getting more automatic about clearing their dishes after meals before asking for dessert - and Toby often urges Hazel by offering to help her. Sometimes she asks him for help and he agrees. Now I am working on getting Toby to scrape his dishes and put them in the dishwasher - to go with Dad's static contribution of kitchen clean-up.

An exchange overheard in the bathtub last week:
H: I love you, and I want those. (some small sponge toys of Toby's)
T: If you love me, you will listen to me.
Somehow they worked it out.

They have also both come to me recently complaining that the other hurt them in some way (eye poke, threw something at, etc). I have responded with things like, "what are you going to do about that?" They usually just walk away, I never even get to the point of offering the problem list.

Tonight I tried Vicki's suggestion of asking Toby about his understanding of the tasks to be done (that haven't been getting done). He was pretty vague but things did get at least sort of done without it feeling like a yucky interaction. I am trying to remember to put the relationship first and not get so bogged down in the daily struggles.

I invited Toby to learn how to clean toilets, and he responded enthusiastically! He was so eager to do it that I could barely show him what to do. And when Dan asked Hazel to do laundry with him, she said, "sure!" Then she ran to me and said, "I did my job!"

Sadly, Toby seems to have bailed on the library thing. He returned books on time three times, got to check out toys and chose the ones he liked when he was four. He lost interest in them quickly, and now he is not motivated to get and return books. I thought reading so many new and varied books would itself entice him. I am disappointed but I know he loves to read, so he will probably come back to it eventually.

Staying out of micro-managing Toby's life: I have the awareness of that diorama project brewing in the back of my mind, but I am determined to stay out of it and see what happens. Toby also has three field trips coming up in the next few weeks, for which he needs to pack lunches that can all be thrown away. I have to restrain myself from reminding him - when I realized that the worst thing that could happen is he has to carry his lunch bag around all day, it became much easier to let go of. And then there's the talent show. No music, no practice, no outfit. I asked him how he might remember which days he needs to wear his "costume" for the dress rehearsals (of course he hasn't chosen any clothes yet), and he put an "X" on those days on his calendar. He said he will remember what the X means. Yeah. I have my fantasy of him wow-ing everyone at school with his dazzling performance, but really it's about his having fun, so who cares what he wears or if he's danced to this music more than once ever before? I just cringe a little inside when a bunch of other mothers talk about choreographing and making costumes for their kids who are all doing an act together - both at how flighty Toby's act is going to be, but also at how these mothers are doing exactly the opposite of what I am trying to do - let the kids run things themselves.

Just for the record, at Hazel's gymnastics class last week I counted the teachers saying "Good job" over twenty times in one half hour. Our children can't escape it!

Changing contributions

Our weekly contributions system has not been working well for Dan. He is often out of the house from 6 in the morning until 7:30 in the evening, Monday through Thursday, and I leave dinner out for him for when he gets home. This means that he typically puts away any leftovers and washes the pots and serving dishes, while I am putting the children to bed. He felt overburdened with additional jobs on those days, so we started thinking about how else we could structure it. I invited Toby into the conversation as well. Ultimately everyone agreed that Dan could have an unchanging contribution of cleaning up dinner (after everyone else has put their own dishes in the dishwasher), taking out the compost, and taking out garbage and recycling on Sundays. And on the three days that he is home, he will do additional stuff as needed.

In the course of this discussion, I asked the children which jobs they like to do and don't like to do. Toby likes emptying the dishwasher and taking out the compost. Hazel likes doing laundry. It got me thinking that letting them do the things they like to do, instead of rotating, might work better for our family. The problem then is that they don't learn to do the other things. I am going to spend some time thinking about this - maybe moving towards a monthly rotation, or doing a job you like all the time, and another job on a rotating basis? This changes the whole structure I created a few weeks ago - but onward and upward! Ideas welcome.

Today's money activity: Toby accepted a birthday party invitation, so I asked him if he would like me to take him shopping for a gift. Our arrangement is that I contribute $10 and he adds in any difference for the gift he wants to buy (and when he turns 7 and his allowance goes up, he is on his own). He chose the store, he said he wanted to look in the toy section, and we browsed for a little while. He chose a $12 pool toy that looked pretty fun (I had been little worried because he has a history of choosing things that he would like rather then the recipient, and choosing things meant for a much younger child). He also picked for himself a DVD on sale for $5, and his favorite toothpaste. He counted out his cash and made the purchase on his own. Also, when we went out to lunch, he bought himself a pretzel, and cookies for himself and his sister. I think he's doing great, gathering little bits of experience here and there.

I looked back over my Timeline for Training lists, and we have made a little progress in some areas, and regressed a little in some other areas. That's another chunk of thinking for me to do this week - and make some plans.

Here we go again...

...another school project, due in June. And with a diorama (which apparently the teacher did not even describe to the kids). Like last time, I asked Toby how he thought he might keep track of when the project is due? "I don't know." I asked if he remembered last time, that he wanted a big piece of paper but we didn't have any - and if he had any ideas of what he wanted for this one, so he could make sure we get the supplies in time. No, no ideas. His plan seems to be to print everything off the Internet, which I suppose is feasible. There was an event at school the other night, and there was a display of boats "made" by the kindergartners - clearly only one or two were actually made by children. There seems to be no inhibition on the part of parents to totally take over their kids' homework projects, to not only do it for them but to make it as elaborate as possible - not even any pretending that their child did it! How can a child ever hope to compare?

Toby has been sick with a fever for the past few days. I have been doing a lot for him since he feels so crummy, and not expecting him to keep up with his family responsibilities very much. When I'm sick, I don't do the laundry or make my bed either. The problem is that getting back to the normal routine is a struggle, just like when we come home from vacation. I tried to talk to him about expectations for the summer, to keep us on track, but he was completely vague. There will be three weeks of summer camp which will mimic the school routine - bedtime, wake up, lunch-making, backpack, catching the bus. I think household responsibilities will not be too hard to maintain (clearing dishes, putting away clothes, etc), but sleep will be all over the place. We will be away from home a lot and that always makes jobs confusing. Also, spending time with lots of other people will make following our family plan more complicated. It will be interesting to see how we make our way through each phase.

Plugging along

At Family Meeting this week, Dan was still away on his trip, so Toby chose to be the chairperson. He ran the meeting very smoothly and remembered all the parts. The kids chose a contribution for Dan since he wasn't there, and when he got home, Hazel asked him to trade with her.

Toby and I worked out a new P&R for playdates.
Rs: - making sure checklist gets done (not necessarily before playdate occurs but that day)
- cleaning up
- solving conflicts without yelling or hurting
- polite behavior
He is supposed to demonstrate these skills for 5 days before playdates can resume. The cleaning up is definitely going to be the hardest part for him. He seems to have no awareness of even when he makes a mess. Today I asked him to clean up a couple of things and mentioned that today couldn't count as Day 1 since I had needed to ask. He has a new game on my phone which he loves, and that has been motivating him to do some clean-up on his own, but the habit is only in its infancy. He also is going to have to make a big shift to solve conflicts with his sister without screaming.

The plan we made to go to the library every Monday has been working beautifully - today was the third time in a row that Toby returned books on time, and we went to the library that checks out toys. He got out two that he loved when he was little and he says they are just as fun as he remembered. In the meantime, he has checked out and repeatedly read about 25 books. Positive all around.

Tired out

My week of single parenting is coming to a close - Dan comes home tomorrow. This afternoon was the first sense of getting a chance to sit down and relax, all week. I don't think Toby has used the computer at all since Dan left. Of the contribution choices, Toby had bathroom this week, which is very minimal - and Hazel had kitchen, which for her means helping put dishes in the dishwasher. So I have been doing basically everything and struggling to keep up. It seems like the kids were doing and learning more about contributions before I changed the structure to specific rooms rather than specific chores. This gives the few jobs potential to grow but right now they are on the smaller side, since the kids defined them. I am tired.

Things were rocky this morning, several episodes of dueling crying. I started out ignoring it, but it kept going and escalating to shrieking. I went to them, told Toby to climb on my back, and I picked up Hazel in front, wrapping each of their legs around my waist and each others' legs. As I clomped along, laden with children, they both started laughing and Toby asked where I was taking them. I said, "Away from being upset." That worked for a while. The next time, he was howling and holding his ears - when I reminded him that we had already solved the problem of too much noise, he shrieked that my talking hurt his ears too. I picked him up and put him outside, saying he could rest his ears until they felt better and then come back in. The next time, I went into my bedroom and locked the door. No one came banging on the door, it just eventually died down and I came out.

The compulsion to intervene in sibling conflict feels universal - like the expectation of other adults is that a parent will stop the conflict or do something in the moment to teach them how to resolve it. I am fairly comfortable staying out of it if there are no witnesses - when other adults are in earshot, it feels like their judgement is that I am neglectful or uncaring. I heard my mother with the kids, raising her voice more and more as she tried to mediate between them (over them), and their crying escalating in response. I was actually surprised today at the number of times there was mutual hysteria without either child coming to involve me.

Guess what? They are both crying right now. Toby just ran into his room and slammed the door. Hazel is crying for me to help her climb down from the big bed, which I have told her I won't do because I don't want her out of the bed - she can get out herself if she wants to. She hasn't asked me to come into bed with her. When is Dan coming home again??

A pearl

Here's a little quickie: I have discovered the incredible value of developing my ability to ignore behavior I don't like - with people other than my children!

I know I should't have

Of course I know this story is a perfect example of what we're not supposed to do anymore. And I also know I did it in a quest for Personal Prestige via my child. So we will see what repercussions unfold.

A couple of months ago, Toby and his friend were talking about the school talent showand how he was going to dance for it. At the time, they weren't even sure if it was open to first-graders. About two weeks ago, a paper came home with all the details and dates for signing up, permission slips, rehearsals, etc. Toby said no, he didn't want to be in it. I was disappointed since he is a wild, adorable dancer, but of course it was his choice, fine. I held onto the paperfor a few days, thinking he might change his mind, but eventually threw it away.

This morning at the bus stop, the friend's mother asked me if he was in the show, and I said no, he didn't want to. She responded, "that's funny, Kelly said he signed up with her." No mention of this to his parents! Permission slips were due yesterday, try-outs were today after school. For him to be able to do it, I would have to go to the school, sign a permission, write a note saying to keep him after school for try-outs, and then come back at 3o'clock with some music for him to use.

And I did it.

Yes, what should have happened was for me to do nothing, and been prepared to empathize with his disappointment at not being able to perform this year. I was driven by my own pride and desire to show him off. How much did he learn that I will save him if he drops the ball? We will see the next time this sort of situation comes up. I knew I shouldn't have, but dang, he's cute.

Boy, that grows fast!

You know those plants that seem like they've grown inches in a day? That is a weed I fertilized in my house. I said something, and literally minutes later there it was, in shining glory. So ridiculously obvious in its testing of my response. I spun around, walked in here, fuming - but as I looked at just how ridiculously obvious a ploy it was, I began to relax and loosen up. Now I am fine. The provocation got no outward response, and I end up sort of entertained by my child's spunk. Whew.

Family Meeting

Back here Toby stopped borrowing books from the library. I had a lot of feelings about that because he is a huge reader and we have been using the library vigorously for years. He's continued to read books we have at home and he brings a book home from school every day, but the potential to feed his learning both in terms of curiosity and his reading skills felt like a big loss. This weekend we went to a different library which lends toys. We had an old agreement that when he returned his books on time three times in a row, we would make a special trip to this library so he could check out toys. I suggested the idea to him that we set one day after school each week to be our standing library day, we'll go to the library that day every week. It gets him there regularly so he has several opportunities to return his books before they are due - he was enticed because I explained it would take a month or less to earn the trip to the toy library. It's still up to him to check books out and remember to bring them when we go, but this will move us back into that realm. I know there's tons of stuff there he would love to read.

The Problem Solving part of our meeting this week started with voting on the effectiveness of the two solutions for avoiding loud noise - everyone agreed that they seem to be working, so we marked that one solved. Next we addressed the computer use issue. Toby's problem was that he hasn't been allowed to use the computer this week. I said that happened because the responsibilities that we agreed on for computer use weren't being met, namely that the timer wasn't being followed. I asked if he agreed that was the real problem, and he said yes - but sitting backward in his chair with his back to me (exactly like Vicki said!). Then we each gave suggestions for how to solve that:

Dan - when the timer rings, unplug everything in the room
Toby - write a note to remind himself each time
me - start with ten minutes of computer time and each time he is successful at stopping with the timer, add five minutes

He chose his own solution and we all voted that we were willing to go along with it for the week. Then he was thrilled to get back to it! I actually don't think he wrote a note, but he did stop immediately when the timer rang, so that's fine with me.

My Appreciation for Dan this week was that he used PonT methods with Hazel the other night when she was having a tantrum, and so I felt supported by him in my efforts here.

Trying to keep everything moving

Since I eliminated computer time for the week, Toby has not had much opportunity to practice the list of screentime responsibilities we created. The couple of times he wanted to watch videos, I had to say Yes, as soon as, but he did it quickly with no grumbling. He has asked to use the computer twice, and when I responded that it was off-limits until Family Meeting, he accepted that. Without it, he has resorted to asking, "what can I do?" - a very annoying attention behavior that used to be a constant issue, but now maybe not since last fall. We just have to finish up the problem about his ears popping off, before we can delve into computer time.

This problem will require some discussion at the meeting. I will need to lay out that he couldn't use it because he was not meeting the responsibility of using the timer to limit computer time - and then ask maybe ask what the problem is with that, which we can all suggest solutions for.

I had some time this week of looking at him from an outsider's perspective. In the same pants for 3 days, God knows when last bathed, lunch bag sticky inside with spilled juice, having iced tea or one bite of a tomato for breakfast... Had some doubts, is this really right? Is he really going to come through this beautifully functional as Vicki describes? Will he eventually attune to all these things? Are people going to think we are total freaks?

We are struggling a bit with the checklists. He always says they're done but they aren't. He seems to truly think he did everything but he doesn't look at the list to remind himself or check himself. Even when he does, he'll walk right by clothes on the floor without noticing them. I have been feeling like a cop, nagging and reminding, and feel the need for some DNSN. But - when he asks me for anything, I respond with Yes, as soon as, and then we get into it over whether it's done or not. I want to be firmer about encouraging him to make the determinations of whether things have been done, but I fear he'll just say (and believe) yes when they're not - so how does progress come from that?

I have been using Keep Moving Forward a lot this week, either distraction or just continuing with my business and trying to engage the kids away from their drama. It's always drama around here that's the issue, crying, ultimatums, door slamming. I even tried once to Stop-Apologize-eat ice cream, but Toby was so assertive about giving me the silent treatment that he wouldn't let me offer him the ice cream (he ran away to his tree house). But then everybody kind of moved on within ten minutes anyway. I guess I am learning to just wait a lot of things out.