Woe is me

Daily screamfest update: Toby asked for some couscous, got himself a spoon, and then Hazel wanted some too. She saw the spoon Toby had chosen and wanted it. He immediately started yelling at her and she started crying. I went downstairs as they escalated. I came back up with a mini ice cream sandwich for each of them, showed them to each of them as I asked them to come with me. They looked very confused but slowed their noise, came and sat on either side of me on the loveseat on the deck. As they ate their sandwiches, I put my arms around them and told them I don't want to live like this, and it seems like they are having a problem with each other that perhaps we can work on during Family Meeting. Toby ate his sandwich super fast and then sort of glared at me as I spoke. Hazel was completely cheered by the ice cream. I asked if they would agree to using Family Meeting for this, and Hazel said yes and Toby sort of nodded. I asked each of them how they would describe their problem that is causing them to cry and yell so loudly and often. He said "it hurts when it's too loud." Hazel said, "it hurts when it's too quiet." Ha ha ha - great. When we came inside, I asked Toby to write his problem on the Problem List and he said no. I asked Hazel to tell me her problem again and she said, "I have a problem when it's too loud or quiet." I wrote that on the list for her.

I thought about Lizzie's comment, how to make it their problem, and what motivates them. I couldn't figure out a directly related sort of consequence, like unplugging the TV if they fight over what to watch. Soon after, another fest erupted because they were both trying to watch a video on the iPhone and Hazel couldn't see. I told them that I just can not live like this any more, and since the only thing I know really motivates them to do things differently is dessert, whenever there is a screamfest, there will be no more dessert for the rest of the day. I expected a big tantrum from Toby over that one, but instead they both seemed to take it in calmly. I suggested that they might be able to come up with other ways to work out their conflicts, with that motivation.

I am unhappy to use dessert and its witholding in this exchange but in the moment it was the best I could do.

Now, typing it out, I see that a directly related motivator is time or contact with me. I am the one who absolutely can't stand being around it. My solution to my problem (that is creating a problem for them to want to resolve) could be that I not only cut off contact for the duration of the screaming, but for some specified period of time. But that feels way too harsh for a toddler who is crying and doesn't really know what's going on with her brother and her mother. Maybe they are not allowed to be together for some period. They do like to play together much more often than not (I think) - it just feels so horrible because the fighting zooms my blood pressure and temper, and it is much harder for me to recover than for them. Now that I said the dessert thing, I will go with that for a little while and see what happens.

I think I will review some Program stuff and maybe try to go back and read some of Flockmother's posts from when her girls were fighting terribly.