another ABCDE

Toby seems to have given up on "getting" Hazel to clear her dishes. Tonight he just cleared both of theirs without even asking her. That will be an interesting dynamic to watch over time.

I have also noticed a few situations when he had left some mess, and later he asked me to do something. When I responded with "as soon as you clean up X," he just went ahead and did the thing that he had asked me to do, instead. He is figuring out his least burdensome options.

Today both kids slept through my alarm. I got up and went about my day, and set Toby's timer by the bed. When he woke up naturally at 7:30 (an hour later), he asked me why it was running and I said it was a school day. He asked why I hadn't woken him up, and I said, "why would I? I never do, you get yourself up." I don't know what sort of impact this will have - over the past few weeks, since I let go of getting him up on time, he has woken early enough every day (mostly because of Hazel being noisy). He got out the door on time today too, but hopefully it will occur to him that he might want to do something to make sure he gets up early enough.

The next button to unravel is why I get so furious at everyone in the house when Hazel is screaming. The things I feel are:
a) why aren't you doing something to fix this? (Dan)
b) don't talk to me or ask me for anything, can't you see I am totally stressed out when she is screaming? (Toby)

A: behaviors of other family members when Hazel is upset
B: everyone should be helping me fix this, and if they aren't they don't care about me or they leave everything to me to manage
C: angry at the boys, snapping, snotty, make more trouble
D: Dan backs off because he feels like he can't help, that Hazel can only be comforted by me, and maybe also because he's trying to ignore her unwanted behavior. Toby still needs me regardless of what Hazel is doing.
E: deep breaths, be calm, try to engage her differently to diffuse the upset - ask for help - ask for patience

Follow up

The more I process it, the more I understand that this Activating Event is the single most pervasive factor shaping my parenting style. It has played a role in my choices about sleep, breastfeeding, priorities, discipline, and activities. In where to live and how often to see grandparents. Understanding that there are so many assumptions on my part, about how my children might be feeling in a certain situation, opens the door to consider:
a) is this really what they feel here, regardless of whether it is what I would feel?
b) is their identity threatened by these feelings in the way that I imagine?
c) in which situations do they really need my support?
d) if I dismantle this belief/emotional response, what will my parenting look like?
e) what resources can I use to help me dismantle it?

Heavy stuff

YES! Last night was even better, during the night at least. Very minimal noise when she woke up and came to the bedroom, and then she slept until about 5:30. When she did a fair bit of crying and hollering. A jarring way to start the day, but at least with a better night's sleep.

I was just thinking about what I imagine Vicki would suggest bedtime should look like, and how far we are from anything like that, and why - and I uncovered some big buttons. These feelings aren't new (I mentioned them in several previous posts), but recognizing them this way is. When I hear a certain tenor in my kids' crying, it is a particular sound, abandonment, rejection, and isolation are what I feel lurching in my gut - and the idea that I am causing, or simply not responding to those feelings in my kids is unbearable. It is the sound of a child wanting their mommy and no one answering, no one coming. Loneliness and judgement. Whew, huge ones. That is a pretty big ol' bag o' baggage to lay on a little kid, huh? I feel like I must respond, I must make sure they know I care. This leaves me unable to resist getting involved in their crisis - I'm not talking about any old crying, but rather situations that feel really emotionally charged and threatening to their sense of security and trust. Writing it out, it looks like, "of course I should be involved in situations of such enormous substance, it is my job to make them feel supported in their challenges." So it seems the problem may be in how I decide which situations apply. The problem may be in my reading way too much into the sounds they are making.

In reading back over posts from 6 weeks ago, I am reminded about separating myself from my children's experience of natural consequences, examining whose problem something is when I feel myself getting upset, and beginning to figure out where I can back off for Hazel. It feels like these three themes will lead me in the right direction with the bedtime thing. And maybe with the whole imagining-their-pain thing too. Let's try to ABCDE that Button -
A: situations that stir up my fears about my kids feeling abandoned, rejected, isolated - when they are in emotional pain I feel I need to prove my love
B: that they will bear the scars of these feelings, or continue to suffer these feelings, their whole lives
C: I am sucked in to managing our lives to prevent these experiences, gives them a lot of power in the family dynamics
D: I have worked hard to build in my kids a strong sense of security and unconditional love - they are probably much more resilient than I imagine - they live in a strong, stable family that provides love and support every single day
E: do the best I can, keep trying and keep learning, revel in the obvious, easy flow of loving behavior between family members every day, believe in them and their ability to face the world, consider that I might be mistaken about how they feel these experiences

Reading back over the blog from the beginning also helped me notice a list of eight areas with Toby that have undergone significant progress in these few weeks. Mostly things he didn't do, or didn't know how to do, that now just happen without my involvement. And a few where I learned to let go of control and discovered that he's handling them just fine on his own.

Bits

A few little quickies on these most recent topics of interest:

Really embarrassed to admit this, but both last night and tonight Hazel just totally refused to go to bed. Both nights she ended up falling asleep on the couch while watching the Olympics with Dan, around 10 o'clock. Last night she woke up and came in around 1, asked to nurse - I showed her the duckie lamp was off and she cried a little but did go back to sleep. This happened again around 4:30 but again much easier, faster willingness to go back to sleep. The least disruptive night we've had in about the past week, not counting bedtime.

Later in the day she asked me to turn on the duckie lamp. I asked her what it means when the lamp is on and she said, "Mee mee time!" Then I asked her what it means if she wakes up and the lamp is off: "More sleep." The girl is quick! So between this conversation and our much improved night last night, I am hoping for at least as easy a time tonight.

Tonight Toby helped Hazel clear her dishes by bringing them to the doorway of the kitchen himself, and then coaching her to carry them the rest of the way to the counter.

Zero potty accidents today, still at one pee on the floor in four days. She was naked a lot this evening, and at one point grabbed her crotch and said, "I pee!" as she looked at the floor. But she hadn't. She ran to the bathroom and filled her potty. I think this was her first time consciously holding it in until she got there, awesome progress!

Oh, also - my mother is visiting, for the first time since literally Day 1 of DNSN Week. She wants so much to be a help to me that she is constantly cleaning up after the kids, before they even have a chance to do it themselves. And telling them how great everything they're doing is, and how proud she is of them. Once you're entrenched in this, it all becomes glaring. I just started thinking about what it might look like to apply the 4 C's to her - I am not very generous with her at all and possibly it could really improve our relationship.

Siblings and homework

Some interesting sibling dynamics this evening. Hazel spilled her milk at dinner, and did nothing to respond to that. I kept quiet until they were asking for dessert, and I said, "As soon as the milk is cleaned up, we can have dessert." Hazel didn't make any movement toward cleaning up, and Toby tried to cajole her along. After a few minutes, he said, "I'll help you. You do half and I'll do half." As he was wiping it up, he then said, "Okay, I'll do it all for you, but you have to clean up my mess next time. Now we can have dessert!" Then I asked them to clear their dishes, and again Hazel had no interest in participating. Toby decided to "help" her, by carrying her dishes with her holding one hand beneath the pile as he brought them into the kitchen. Dessert is a huge motivator around here. He remained cheerful throughout all of this, instead of yelling at her as he sometimes does when she is interfering with something that he wants. Hopefully this approach will provoke teamwork rather than resentment. Toby also shared his school Valentines' candy with her, since he accidentally got two chocolate lollipops. He seems to be over the Family Meeting fiasco.

He came home with a backpack full of Valentines' candy (we had missed the last day before vacation when the kids exchanged cards), two homework sheets, and the description of a research project that is due next Monday. Of course the description was aimed at the parents. I asked him what he could tell me about the project, and he didn't know much. He asked me to read the paper and I said I was sure he would be able to read it himself. All those things, plus a mishmosh of papers from school today, are still in his backpack, unaddressed. I asked him what he thought would happen if someone didn't do their project, or if anyone had ever come without it. He didn't think that had happened. I am going to try very hard to stay out of this and see what happens - keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter if the teacher thinks I am a bad mother because he doesn't do his homework - try to keep faith that he will pull it together - SO HARD for me. But he did get his whole checklist done this morning and almost everythign done this evening, so I am going to do deep breathing and let that spread through my being.

Quick morning update

Last night Hazel let out a yell around 4, I think, and went back to sleep fairly quickly on her own. Then she woke up and started asking to nurse around 4:30. Five o'clock is my cut-off, so she started crying and yelling when I said it wasn't time yet. I would like to enforce a "when it's daytime out" plan but that's so much later than when she is allowed to nurse now, it would be too drastic a change. So we are going to put a small lamp on a timer to turn on early, and she can use that to know if she can nurse yet - if it's not on, she is supposed to go back to sleep. The only catch (same problem as with Toby's alarm clock) is that she is not always in the same room at that time of night. There was some moving around, leaving her and saying I would come back when she's quiet, which only escalated the crying. She started calling for Dan, and he went to her, and she quieted down. This does not feel like the right way to do this - she yells for me and I don't go, but she yells for him and he does? It is hard to resist when she quiets down but I think it's a quick-fix. Let's see what change a week of this yields.

This morning I struggled to stay quiet about Toby's clothes - he was still wearing the same shirt he put on Friday night when we flew into Newark. He actually got his entire checklist done without any involvement from me, including a clean shirt, boosting my mood and faith. I have decided that setting his timer for when to go out is reasonable - when I have tried waiting for him to ask me to set it, it doesn't work yet. When I hand him the set timer, it is the cue that gets him rolling on his morning routine. In a couple of months, we can move to that next step.

As he was getting ready, Hazel was not interested in putting on her clothes. I asked her if she wanted to come out to the bus with us and let her know that she would need to be dressed to do that. At one point she wanted to go outside naked, so I opened the door for her and of course she balked when she felt the cold air. I did remind her that if she was not dressed then she would need to stay inside by herself, and she still did not put anything on. So when the timer rang and Toby and I were getting our coats on, she ran over saying she wanted to come. I told her she couldn't because she hadn't put her clothes on and I would be back in a few minutes - it took a lot of guts to leave her alone in the house, upset and NAKED, for about 10 minutes. The entire time we were waiting for the bus, I was imagining her pooping on the livingroom rug and smearing it on the walls. Joyfully, nothing came out of her while I was outside and all was well. Pottying has gone perfectly so far today.

Vacation

We are back from a great vacation someplace warm, with friends. I feel about 2 weeks behind in the program, since I didn't really follow through with my short-term roadmap plans, and missed the show last week. I did watch the replay yesterday, so I have the four C's concepts fresh in my mind. A lot of our PonT lifestyle was back-burnered on vacation - it was just too difficult away from home and with non-family members dependent on our timeliness. Our friends' daughter got a blistering, scabbing sunburn, so I just couldn't surrender sunblock application this time. Toby did do several new things with gusto, that a few months ago he would have been reluctant or frightened to attempt - forest zipline, vertical hike, riding on the front edge of a catamaran - and completely on his own, gave up pull-ups at night! We had a good interaction over that, where I think I sent the message that I notice and appreciate his ownership of that decision-making - and it doesn't matter if he sometimes pees in his underwear, he is still growing through his courage to give it a go.

Through talking about PonT with these friends, I was able to articulate some concepts more clearly to myself. Ignore the problem behavior, but without ignoring the child - refuse to engage in their negative dynamic but continue to invite them to engage with you in a positive way.

We had one startling moment over vacation - we had Family Meeting as usual, and Toby was having a tough time coming up with an Appreciation for Hazel. He asked me what he could appreciate about her and I said, "just love her." Not PonT I know, but whatever. So he says, "I love you, Hazel" (!) - which was shocking enough on its own - but then she SCREAMS "Nooooooooooooo!!!!!! No, no, no, nooooo!!!!!" Poor Toby started crying and she continued screaming while Dan and I looked at each other dumbfounded and stuck for a minute. Then I said, "well, I want to give my Appreciations," and went ahead and they both quieted down quickly. We each tried to ask her about it at later times but didn't get anywhere. I definitely noticed Toby behaving less nicely and less generously to her for a few days after that, no surprise.

Hazel's nighttime crying seems like it has been getting worse. I wanted to give her a few days back home to see if that would help her settle down but it hasn't. We are going to try a PonT-inspired plan but I guess I have to roadmap it -

where we are now: Hazel wakes crying almost every night and escalates to screaming, sometimes goes back to sleep when I snuggle her, sometimes not - sometimes screams if Dan goes to her and sometimes settles right down.
where we want to be: sleeps all night, or if she wakes, gets herself back to sleep on her own - if she did this five times within two weeks from now I would feel like we are making progress.
how we will get there: when she cries at night, anyone who is sleeping in the same room with her goes to the other bedroom, letting her know it is too loud in there to sleep when she is crying. She is welcome to sleep with us if she can be quiet. (she is screaming in my face as I type this, demanding attention and wanting to be picked up - stressful and not easy to continue - will have to return later as I am now going to run away)



Ugh, that was a really awful half-hour. Screaming, screaming about a whole list of things but all ultimately that she wanted more attention and wanted me to do things for her that she can do herself. Toby crying because he can't stand her noise. Got them both settled in bed and calm, cuddled with them for 10 minutes - and when I got up to leave all hell broke loose, again. She was screaming and Toby ran out of the room. I put her back in bed a couple of times, Dan tried to lie down with her but she wouldn't even have that. Toby got in our bed to escape. Finally she said she wanted to be in the big bed too, and I told her she could if she was quiet. She settled down and I put her in bed beside Toby. Then she was able to be in bed without an adult, quietly. Toby went back to his own bed and now she is quietly resting in our bed. This however is not what I want!

To pick up where I left off, I know Vicki would not agree with letting her sleep with us ("if you don't want to do it for the rest of your life, don't do it even once for a baby"). But we have been co-sleepers since Toby was born and gotten so much pleasure and closeness from it. Our co-sleeping desires and tolerances have evolved though, so now we do want some parent-only time in bed together, and do want to be sleeping in the same room most of the time. What was typical for a while and reasonably comfortable for all of us was this: one of the parents stayed in the kids' room with them until Hazel was asleep, then came out and the parents went to bed together in our room. Sometime during the night, Toby might wake up and come to the parents' bed, or not. Dan would usually move to Toby's bed at that point, to avoid being kicked. Hazel would wake around 5 a.m. and come to the parents' bed for morning nursing and doze on and off until 6:30 when everyone would get up. So we often have a lot of nighttime movement, and I certainly get woken up earlier than I would like, but that was pretty tolerable. We wanted to change the bedtime so we would not be captive until H fell asleep, especially since it seemed to be taking her longer and longer. And everything has gone to hell since then. We have trouble at bedtime and in the middle of the night and I am feeling desperate to fix things, but also like we just can't do everything at once. And guess what, she's potty training too.

My friend seems to be making great progress with bedtime with her daughter - maybe she can brainstorm ideas with me. I am feeling utterly uninsightful. But at least the potty training seems to be going great, mostly on Hazel's initiative (Hallelujah!). She is loving wearing underpants at home, has only peed on the floor once since we're back from vacation, and pooped in her potty yesterday and today. I am planning to stay home most of the week with her in her undies, and gradually remind her less and less often to use her potty, to let her develop her own sense of when she needs to go. When it seems like she's got everything at home down pretty well, we can venture out in undies for short trips. Instead of saying "good job" when she tells me she peed in her potty, I've been saying, "you knew when you needed to go" or "of course you did." I was expecting to let it go during vacation, but she didn't want to - she was on the toilet every day.

I'm also thinking about incorporating the four C's into daily interactions, how to do this more often. I try to give them my undivided attention and true listening to what they are talking about - but it seems like they have an endless appetite for this, it never satisfies them. I invariably end up having to say that I will look or listen as soon as I do X, and feeling like I am telling them they aren't as important to me as getting my tasks done. I have been trying to tell them the exact things I need to do, promise to be totally available after that, and follow through. Also trying to get them involved in what I have to do, ask them for help or if they want to learn how. I am acknowledging their capabilities, especially when they do something new. I am trying to comment on how things they do add to or create the family's experiences. And I frame their meeting new challenges as the courage to take risks or confront fears. The trick is doing all of this more regularly and naturally. (The Crucial Cs were developed by Drs. Betty Lou Bettner and Amy Lew. For additional information on this topic, please visit http://www.connexionspress.com/books.html)

I think it will take Toby a while to get back into the routine of being at home and remembering his agreements. I will try to keep my mouth shut and let that happen on its own. Have to get myself back in the mindset more as well!

I don't believe it

Well for God's sake - she tried to run out of the room, I put her back in bed, and she stayed. I left, and she called out for me a couple of times, Toby told her to leave. I said no, she had to stay. He told her, "well, if you're going to be in here, you have to be quiet." And she was! They both stayed in bed quietly and went to sleep. Amazing. ...beginner's luck...

Roadmaps

After last night's show on Roadmaps, I re-read my notes from the first time I watched the videos, and the beginning of this blog. My list of Toby's Useless Behaviors is definitely getting shorter. The main big issues these days are messiness (which has gotten worse, since I am not involved in it on a daily basis) and distractedness, losing focus that sidetracks him from completing tasks. With Hazel, crying/whining (which has not yet responded to being ignored), and BEDTIME. I still feel so flummoxed about the bedtime thing, I don't even feel like I can attempt a roadmap for it yet. But anyway, I re-read the list of values that Dan and I created that we want to use as the directions for our final destination. Here it is:

support
acceptance
fun
cooperation
kindness
social and environmental responsibility
personal responsibility
affection
respectful behavior
follow-through
manners
trust
listening

I was thinking that if I can't really visualize the small roadmaps for now, making tangible ones for some of these goals might be another way to create really positive change. Like, for fun, commit to a group family activity once a week - together, make a list of options to choose from - take turns choosing - do it with enthusiasm even if it wouldn't have been your choice (Dan!). We're pretty solid on affection, lots of spontaneity as well as daily rituals.

Cooperation: trade help with tasks, so we end up helping each other instead of all doing our jobs alone? Goal of trading help once each day, by one week from now - when asked for help, offer or ask for a trade. This has worked well other times I've tried it.

Support/listening/acceptance: non-judgemental, value-neutral responses to shared information about social relationships, work, personal feelings. Minimize adjectives! Goal of replacing value-judgement comments with supportive observations and true attention, three times a day by one week from now.

As for the messiness -
Now: Toby - clothes, books on floor, papers left lying around, dirty dishes/food prep left out
Me - frustrated, angry, exasperated; often asking him to clean up, harping on checklist
Goal: Toby - puts clothes in laundry basket three times a week without being asked, by two weeks from now
Me - use "as soon as"? Refer to agreement about checklist before screen time? This needs more focused thought.

Bedtime -
Now: Hazel - won't stay in bed unless an adult lies down with her, and even then sometimes gets up and leaves the room - noisy, active
Me - exasperated; give up, no ideas for change
Goal: Hazel - stays in bed after lights out ONE TIME without a parent this week
Me - leave the room after 10 minutes of bedtime snuggle/nursing, resist engagement when she comes out of her room

So there's something.

Chocolate!

In Family Meeting yesterday, we brought the Problem List out for the first time. "H wont lisen." Is this still a problem? No. Done. (I had my non-solution all ready to offer, too, dang it.)

We went to a Chocolate Festival this weekend, and Toby brought his money. He spent nearly twenty dollars on two packages of brownies and a soap pens bath set. He just kept counting out those dollar bills. He has no awareness of how much money he has or how much of his money he is spending, as long as there is still some green in his little bag. That's fine for me, for now. Dan was really bothered by the whole episode, though. He was not able to really articulate what his issues were, but he did NOT like seeing Toby buy all those sweets, or spend so much all at once with so little thought. I think he didn't like not being able to comment and offer guidance in wise choices. My perspective is that if we interfere with his experience-gathering with money, he will only get annoyed with us and still not learn whatever we are trying to teach about value. These are lessons he is going to gather very slowly, over years. Dan agrees with this, in principle - but in action, maybe not as convinced. One lovely outcome, though - Toby shared all his dessert with friends who were over last night, and very generously with his sister as well.

This past week we were supposed to note what feelings we experienced when our children acted out, as cues to their Mistaken Goals of Behavior. There just was very little mischief. They each scored some Attentions and some Powers. But mostly my uncomfortable feelings seemed to be mine, originating from my own Mistaken Goals (don't spill things, finish this before you start that, etc) rather than from any provocative behavior on their part. My control issues. Shockingly, Dan's Appreciation for me this week was that I have been more patient with everyone lately! I do think so much of this program is working to change ourselves, and then our kids just naturally follow.

Too much, too quickly?

We were all talking about things we like, foods, activities, etc., and Toby said, "You know what else I like?" I asked, "Hazel?" sort of joking. And much to my surprise and delight, he said, "Of course I like Hazel!" I didn't know there was any "of course" about it. What a wonderful feeling, that my child feels it is a given that he likes his sister.

Another interesting conversation with Dan about this whole process. He thinks Toby is overwhelmed with so much family work to do, and is not able to do the things he wants to do (like computer time, for example). That he is having trouble focusing and completing tasks because there are so many of them. Dan seems skeptical that this is a positive process for Toby, it feels to me like he thinks I am pushing him out of his childhood prematurely. During DNSN week, I asked Toby how he felt about it, and he was positive. He hasn't complained to me about having too much work to do, or about running out of time for play activities. There have been nights where he gets too tired to do anything, before everything is done. And there have been times when he ran out of time for play. But - all of these situations were caused by his using literally hours for play and entertainment, both before and after dinner, before attending to his responsibilities. I just realized that Toby usually finally gets around to his checklist at about 7:30, just when Dan is getting home from work. So that is all Dan sees, from his perspective the whole evening is spent doing one job after another. I have had a couple of conversations with Toby about managing his time so he isn't working for an hour or two straight every evening, rushing to get to bed. He did say that he planned to do some of his checklist before dinner a couple of days ago, but that hasn't happened. Time management is the underlying skill he needs to develop to make everything else fall into place.

After writing this all out, my crisis of faith has calmed. I agree that Toby has been given a lot of new expectations over the past month or two, and he is having a hard time keeping up with them. I don't think I'm asking him to do any particular thing that is too much for him, but maybe cumulatively it was too much too quickly. I don't want to backtrack on any of these expectations because I do think they are realistic overall. Dan and I agreed that I won't introduce any new responsibilities for Toby until he seems to be getting a good handle on his current list.

Also, permission from Vicki to clean up as I feel necessary makes everything much less pressured! In that case, I can wait months for Toby to internalize putting his dishes in the dishwasher. As long as we're moving forward toward goals, however slowly.

On-off-on-off

I'm so excited - it happened. The opportunity arrived for me to invite Toby to write something on the Problem List. Hazel was standing in his way and wouldn't move, as he asked her over and over again, eventually yelling at her and then for me to intervene. I asked what he thought might solve the problem, and he said, "I don't know." I suggested he could put it on the problem list for next Family Meeting. Things immediately got quiet in the other room, and later I saw he had written "H wont lisen." We are moving right along...

I have had several frustrating evenings of Toby not getting started on his list until well after dinner, and getting sidetracked or distracted, and having to work until practically too tired to get ready for bed. Tonight he asked me for help making his lunch. I said yes and set myself up in the kitchen to keep him company while he did it. I said, "oh, look, it's 8:30 - I have exactly a half-hour to be available to you until my parenting lesson comes on." In that 30 minutes, he got two items into his lunch bag. Two. Each time he played with his plastic monkey head, or jumped on the couch, I kept feeling my blood pressure creeping up, but reminded myself it's not my problem. I had noticed how worked up I have been getting over this, and decided to stop asking him to clean up one little thing, or to wheedle a prompt in there undercover. I don't really understand it, but if I decide that I am just NOT going to say ANYTHING about things not getting done - the dirty dishes, the coat on the floor, whatever - then they just don't bother me as much. It's like I am able to divorce myself from the whole situation, but only after I choose not to engage. It doesn't seem like a really sustainable strategy, but for now I'll go with it.

As for keeping moving forward with Hazel, I found myself getting very impatient and frustrated with her in this scenario:
she put on her mittens
she took off her mittens
she put on her boots
she put on her mittens
she took off her mittens
she started to put on her coat
stopped to take off her boots

Here is where I was about to totally lose it - instead I told her I was going outside and she could just come out when she was ready. I brought up the recycling buckets from down the driveway and came back to see how she was doing. She had her coat on and was crying a little. She asked for help with her boots and mittens, and we were on our way. So I averted speaking to her angrily and physically stuffing her into her things against her will. Remember to focus on what I want to be doing, rather than how she is obstructing it.