Vacation

We are back from a great vacation someplace warm, with friends. I feel about 2 weeks behind in the program, since I didn't really follow through with my short-term roadmap plans, and missed the show last week. I did watch the replay yesterday, so I have the four C's concepts fresh in my mind. A lot of our PonT lifestyle was back-burnered on vacation - it was just too difficult away from home and with non-family members dependent on our timeliness. Our friends' daughter got a blistering, scabbing sunburn, so I just couldn't surrender sunblock application this time. Toby did do several new things with gusto, that a few months ago he would have been reluctant or frightened to attempt - forest zipline, vertical hike, riding on the front edge of a catamaran - and completely on his own, gave up pull-ups at night! We had a good interaction over that, where I think I sent the message that I notice and appreciate his ownership of that decision-making - and it doesn't matter if he sometimes pees in his underwear, he is still growing through his courage to give it a go.

Through talking about PonT with these friends, I was able to articulate some concepts more clearly to myself. Ignore the problem behavior, but without ignoring the child - refuse to engage in their negative dynamic but continue to invite them to engage with you in a positive way.

We had one startling moment over vacation - we had Family Meeting as usual, and Toby was having a tough time coming up with an Appreciation for Hazel. He asked me what he could appreciate about her and I said, "just love her." Not PonT I know, but whatever. So he says, "I love you, Hazel" (!) - which was shocking enough on its own - but then she SCREAMS "Nooooooooooooo!!!!!! No, no, no, nooooo!!!!!" Poor Toby started crying and she continued screaming while Dan and I looked at each other dumbfounded and stuck for a minute. Then I said, "well, I want to give my Appreciations," and went ahead and they both quieted down quickly. We each tried to ask her about it at later times but didn't get anywhere. I definitely noticed Toby behaving less nicely and less generously to her for a few days after that, no surprise.

Hazel's nighttime crying seems like it has been getting worse. I wanted to give her a few days back home to see if that would help her settle down but it hasn't. We are going to try a PonT-inspired plan but I guess I have to roadmap it -

where we are now: Hazel wakes crying almost every night and escalates to screaming, sometimes goes back to sleep when I snuggle her, sometimes not - sometimes screams if Dan goes to her and sometimes settles right down.
where we want to be: sleeps all night, or if she wakes, gets herself back to sleep on her own - if she did this five times within two weeks from now I would feel like we are making progress.
how we will get there: when she cries at night, anyone who is sleeping in the same room with her goes to the other bedroom, letting her know it is too loud in there to sleep when she is crying. She is welcome to sleep with us if she can be quiet. (she is screaming in my face as I type this, demanding attention and wanting to be picked up - stressful and not easy to continue - will have to return later as I am now going to run away)



Ugh, that was a really awful half-hour. Screaming, screaming about a whole list of things but all ultimately that she wanted more attention and wanted me to do things for her that she can do herself. Toby crying because he can't stand her noise. Got them both settled in bed and calm, cuddled with them for 10 minutes - and when I got up to leave all hell broke loose, again. She was screaming and Toby ran out of the room. I put her back in bed a couple of times, Dan tried to lie down with her but she wouldn't even have that. Toby got in our bed to escape. Finally she said she wanted to be in the big bed too, and I told her she could if she was quiet. She settled down and I put her in bed beside Toby. Then she was able to be in bed without an adult, quietly. Toby went back to his own bed and now she is quietly resting in our bed. This however is not what I want!

To pick up where I left off, I know Vicki would not agree with letting her sleep with us ("if you don't want to do it for the rest of your life, don't do it even once for a baby"). But we have been co-sleepers since Toby was born and gotten so much pleasure and closeness from it. Our co-sleeping desires and tolerances have evolved though, so now we do want some parent-only time in bed together, and do want to be sleeping in the same room most of the time. What was typical for a while and reasonably comfortable for all of us was this: one of the parents stayed in the kids' room with them until Hazel was asleep, then came out and the parents went to bed together in our room. Sometime during the night, Toby might wake up and come to the parents' bed, or not. Dan would usually move to Toby's bed at that point, to avoid being kicked. Hazel would wake around 5 a.m. and come to the parents' bed for morning nursing and doze on and off until 6:30 when everyone would get up. So we often have a lot of nighttime movement, and I certainly get woken up earlier than I would like, but that was pretty tolerable. We wanted to change the bedtime so we would not be captive until H fell asleep, especially since it seemed to be taking her longer and longer. And everything has gone to hell since then. We have trouble at bedtime and in the middle of the night and I am feeling desperate to fix things, but also like we just can't do everything at once. And guess what, she's potty training too.

My friend seems to be making great progress with bedtime with her daughter - maybe she can brainstorm ideas with me. I am feeling utterly uninsightful. But at least the potty training seems to be going great, mostly on Hazel's initiative (Hallelujah!). She is loving wearing underpants at home, has only peed on the floor once since we're back from vacation, and pooped in her potty yesterday and today. I am planning to stay home most of the week with her in her undies, and gradually remind her less and less often to use her potty, to let her develop her own sense of when she needs to go. When it seems like she's got everything at home down pretty well, we can venture out in undies for short trips. Instead of saying "good job" when she tells me she peed in her potty, I've been saying, "you knew when you needed to go" or "of course you did." I was expecting to let it go during vacation, but she didn't want to - she was on the toilet every day.

I'm also thinking about incorporating the four C's into daily interactions, how to do this more often. I try to give them my undivided attention and true listening to what they are talking about - but it seems like they have an endless appetite for this, it never satisfies them. I invariably end up having to say that I will look or listen as soon as I do X, and feeling like I am telling them they aren't as important to me as getting my tasks done. I have been trying to tell them the exact things I need to do, promise to be totally available after that, and follow through. Also trying to get them involved in what I have to do, ask them for help or if they want to learn how. I am acknowledging their capabilities, especially when they do something new. I am trying to comment on how things they do add to or create the family's experiences. And I frame their meeting new challenges as the courage to take risks or confront fears. The trick is doing all of this more regularly and naturally. (The Crucial Cs were developed by Drs. Betty Lou Bettner and Amy Lew. For additional information on this topic, please visit http://www.connexionspress.com/books.html)

I think it will take Toby a while to get back into the routine of being at home and remembering his agreements. I will try to keep my mouth shut and let that happen on its own. Have to get myself back in the mindset more as well!