Roadmaps

After last night's show on Roadmaps, I re-read my notes from the first time I watched the videos, and the beginning of this blog. My list of Toby's Useless Behaviors is definitely getting shorter. The main big issues these days are messiness (which has gotten worse, since I am not involved in it on a daily basis) and distractedness, losing focus that sidetracks him from completing tasks. With Hazel, crying/whining (which has not yet responded to being ignored), and BEDTIME. I still feel so flummoxed about the bedtime thing, I don't even feel like I can attempt a roadmap for it yet. But anyway, I re-read the list of values that Dan and I created that we want to use as the directions for our final destination. Here it is:

support
acceptance
fun
cooperation
kindness
social and environmental responsibility
personal responsibility
affection
respectful behavior
follow-through
manners
trust
listening

I was thinking that if I can't really visualize the small roadmaps for now, making tangible ones for some of these goals might be another way to create really positive change. Like, for fun, commit to a group family activity once a week - together, make a list of options to choose from - take turns choosing - do it with enthusiasm even if it wouldn't have been your choice (Dan!). We're pretty solid on affection, lots of spontaneity as well as daily rituals.

Cooperation: trade help with tasks, so we end up helping each other instead of all doing our jobs alone? Goal of trading help once each day, by one week from now - when asked for help, offer or ask for a trade. This has worked well other times I've tried it.

Support/listening/acceptance: non-judgemental, value-neutral responses to shared information about social relationships, work, personal feelings. Minimize adjectives! Goal of replacing value-judgement comments with supportive observations and true attention, three times a day by one week from now.

As for the messiness -
Now: Toby - clothes, books on floor, papers left lying around, dirty dishes/food prep left out
Me - frustrated, angry, exasperated; often asking him to clean up, harping on checklist
Goal: Toby - puts clothes in laundry basket three times a week without being asked, by two weeks from now
Me - use "as soon as"? Refer to agreement about checklist before screen time? This needs more focused thought.

Bedtime -
Now: Hazel - won't stay in bed unless an adult lies down with her, and even then sometimes gets up and leaves the room - noisy, active
Me - exasperated; give up, no ideas for change
Goal: Hazel - stays in bed after lights out ONE TIME without a parent this week
Me - leave the room after 10 minutes of bedtime snuggle/nursing, resist engagement when she comes out of her room

So there's something.