Heavy stuff

YES! Last night was even better, during the night at least. Very minimal noise when she woke up and came to the bedroom, and then she slept until about 5:30. When she did a fair bit of crying and hollering. A jarring way to start the day, but at least with a better night's sleep.

I was just thinking about what I imagine Vicki would suggest bedtime should look like, and how far we are from anything like that, and why - and I uncovered some big buttons. These feelings aren't new (I mentioned them in several previous posts), but recognizing them this way is. When I hear a certain tenor in my kids' crying, it is a particular sound, abandonment, rejection, and isolation are what I feel lurching in my gut - and the idea that I am causing, or simply not responding to those feelings in my kids is unbearable. It is the sound of a child wanting their mommy and no one answering, no one coming. Loneliness and judgement. Whew, huge ones. That is a pretty big ol' bag o' baggage to lay on a little kid, huh? I feel like I must respond, I must make sure they know I care. This leaves me unable to resist getting involved in their crisis - I'm not talking about any old crying, but rather situations that feel really emotionally charged and threatening to their sense of security and trust. Writing it out, it looks like, "of course I should be involved in situations of such enormous substance, it is my job to make them feel supported in their challenges." So it seems the problem may be in how I decide which situations apply. The problem may be in my reading way too much into the sounds they are making.

In reading back over posts from 6 weeks ago, I am reminded about separating myself from my children's experience of natural consequences, examining whose problem something is when I feel myself getting upset, and beginning to figure out where I can back off for Hazel. It feels like these three themes will lead me in the right direction with the bedtime thing. And maybe with the whole imagining-their-pain thing too. Let's try to ABCDE that Button -
A: situations that stir up my fears about my kids feeling abandoned, rejected, isolated - when they are in emotional pain I feel I need to prove my love
B: that they will bear the scars of these feelings, or continue to suffer these feelings, their whole lives
C: I am sucked in to managing our lives to prevent these experiences, gives them a lot of power in the family dynamics
D: I have worked hard to build in my kids a strong sense of security and unconditional love - they are probably much more resilient than I imagine - they live in a strong, stable family that provides love and support every single day
E: do the best I can, keep trying and keep learning, revel in the obvious, easy flow of loving behavior between family members every day, believe in them and their ability to face the world, consider that I might be mistaken about how they feel these experiences

Reading back over the blog from the beginning also helped me notice a list of eight areas with Toby that have undergone significant progress in these few weeks. Mostly things he didn't do, or didn't know how to do, that now just happen without my involvement. And a few where I learned to let go of control and discovered that he's handling them just fine on his own.