Bedtime secret

At Family Meeting this week, the Problem List arrived with my problem: "I have a problem when I have to spend and hour or more every night helping children get to sleep." Toby started to protest, "It's not me..." but we quickly moved right on to solutions without discussion.

Dan: I should go down to the neighbor's house at 8 o'clock every night so the kids get used to going to sleep without me.
me: I will give both children sleeping pills every night so they fall asleep quickly.
Toby: I can go out of the room after ten minutes of snuggling and they will stay in bed.
Hazel did not have anything to say.

Dan expressed concern that sleeping pills aren't so safe for children - this was the one Toby wanted to try ;). I chose Toby's solution and we started fist-or-five for consensus to try it for a week. Hazel said no and put up two fists. We explained the system and the solution and she did the same thing. We asked her how she would change that solution to work better, and after a few times she actually said, "Daddy come in." So we asked her if she meant I snuggle with the kids for 10-15 minutes, then leave and Dan goes in - yes! And everyone agreed to try it for a week!

What happened the first three nights was one, both, or neither of them:
- came to bed when my chunk of snuggle time started.
- stayed in bed during the snuggle time.
- left the room when I did.
Toby ultimately went to bed in his room himself sometime before ten each night. Hazel consistently refused - once she stayed up with me until past ten when we went to bed together with Dan in our bed. One night they both sat quietly in the room where I was working until around ten, when Toby went to bed and Hazel stayed - eventually falling asleep on the couch. The next night she fell asleep on my bedroom floor. So if you look at the kids, this is a ridiculous, chaotic mess - but if you look at me, it's great! I hang out in their room from about 8:30-8:45, then leave and do whatever I want, for as long as I want! They lurk around but do not bother me. I do not engage with them or tell them to go to bed, I just go about my business. So the problem I posted really is solved - next I had to look at their crazy non-bedtime routine, and figure out what the real problem is and how to go about changing it.

Today I have discovered the solution to all our problems!!! Tonight was perfect: Hazel went to bed at 8, fell asleep after 10 minutes of snuggling. Toby went to bed at 8:30, we snuggled 10 minutes, I left, he stayed in bed.

Here is the secret: NO NAP FOR HAZEL.

If no one is around to entertain him, Toby will stay in bed or read quietly. To eliminate the nap, I would have to keep her busy all day and not drive her anywhere after 10 a.m. This can be done, but will require a lot of advance planning. You would not believe the amount of stuff I have accomplished in the last four evenings. I know it's just one night but I am jubilant with even a clue where to go from here - this situation has been tormenting me for months.