Power

Toby has been pissing me off. He wouldn't try the food I made for dinner last night; he wanted me to make his sandwich instead; when he made it he left the bread crusts on the kitchen floor; he wanted me to bring him a washcloth to wipe up his spill; he left the washcloths on the floor; then after I asked him to put them in the laundry, he threw them near but not in the laundry basket. He's been mean to his sister. Then at bedtime he wants to snuggle and doesn't want me to leave until he's asleep. I have managed, I think, fairly well at containing my temper and asking questions instead of yelling to deal with these situations. The thing to remember here is that he's seeking power, trying to taunt me into a power struggle - and the remedy is to support his movement toward greater capability. Since he was sick a couple of weeks ago, he has been asking me to do all sorts of things for him that he'd been doing reasonably independently before. I need to gently back out again and encourage him to keep trying. Here is my new approach - instead of saying, "I'm confident you can figure this out." He wants me to grate the cheese for his pasta and to spread the peanut butter on his sandwich, because he doesn't do it as well. I asked him if he would like to be able to do these things the way I do, and he said yes. So I responded, "Okay, then that's something for us to work on together." Just his body language seemed more receptive to that, than to just saying I knew he could do it himself.