A little more minutiae

My father and stepmother were visiting and I spent a lot of time talking about what I've been doing in terms of Parenting on Track. This morning, though, I couldn't help myself (button?) and asked Toby to put on a clean shirt for school - he'd been in that one for two days and nights. Let's see... Belief: people in dirty clothes are slobs, and kids in dirty clothes have neglectful parents. Consequence: no friends, ostracized, judged. Disputation: kids are in dirty clothes all the time, they can barely get through an activity or a meal and keep their clothes clean. All kids. Encouragement: instilling a sense of competence in my kids is more important than their clothing. He will develop an awareness of when clean clothes are a priority as he matures. He doesn't smell, and neither do I. He is an awesome kid, and interesting people sometimes pay less attention to superficial attributes. That's a good long list.

Last night there was serious dawdling with the lunch-making (although he did remember to do it himself) and he didn't get to bed until about ten o'clock! Since I had committed to not waking him in the morning, I predicted very late wake-up and maybe even missing the bus. But at 6:30 he came out of his room! Without an alarm. How did that happen?

Toby asked me to make him some hot chocolate milk this morning. I encouraged him to do it himself, since we had put everything he needed in easy reach. He said he couldn't open the microwave (not exactly true, but it is difficult for him) - so I said I would do that part if he did the rest. Which he did. Win/win. We also made a plan to keep a mug with the chocolate powder, within easy reach, that is his to use.

Next he asked for help making his bed, again. I said sure and talked him through it, with some resistance and complaining that I wasn't helping. When he got it basically done, he asked me if it was okay - I asked what he thought, and he said, "I think it's great!"

And he got out the door on time, teeth brushed, with a lunch - with grandparents visiting! That's a big step.

As soon as he got off the bus this afternoon, he asked if Kelly could come over. I answered, "Since you haven't talked to me about a plan for cleaning up snack and toys, the answer has to be no, for now." He began to protest that they wouldn't have a snack today, so I said, "Let's go inside and talk about a plan." He started to cry and asked if she could come over after that. I said, "Yes! As soon as you decide on a clean-up plan, she can come over." He calmed right down and as soon as we walked in the door, he proposed taping a note to the dining room doorframe. He got busy doing that and now they are happily playing together. I wrote the agreement in the Family Meeting book, and he said, "I knew you were going to do that!"

It looks like we'll be working on the minutiae for a little while, but I am seeing improvements every day. It feels great to hand over decision-making responsibility to him, and follow through with respecting his choices.