Bait and switch

I was in the dining room with Hazel, and the guys were in the other part of the house. Hazel went to see them, and when she came back to me, I asked what they were doing. She said Toby was doing computer games, and Dan was on the treadmill downstairs. I immediately got all in a flurry, mad at both of them that Toby was doing computer before his checklist was done. I debated confronting the situation now vs. holding it until Family Meeting, an hour later. I fumed about how to talk about it. After deciding that I would hold myself in check and just read all the established Agreements at the meeting, I walked to the bedroom. Toby was not there. I assumed he had walked away from the computer for a minute, and looked at the screen. Black. Then my eyes drifted downward... I had totally forgotten that the computer tower was in the shop to get a new CD drive. Hazel had just made it up! And set me off on such an internal whirlwind. I did in fact review the Agreements at the meeting, mostly for Dan's benefit, but also got to have an interesting conversation with Hazel about what I saw compared to what she was saying.

Button: nose-pick-and-eat!!!!!!!!!!!!! Totally unbearable to observe. I find myself leaving the room often.

Discussion with Dan about whether he is participating in this effort. I really didn't know what his stance was, if he was sort of trying to cooperate, or just not at all interested. He said that he was willing to go along to the extent of not disrupting what I'm doing, but he doesn't want to review the whole course. I think he was getting ready for my criticisms or an attack. I told him that whatever he wants to do is fine with me, just that if he wants to be helping, I can give him a few quick pieces of how we are supposed to be interacting with the kids differently, to remind him. He agreed to that and seemed relieved that I wasn't mad about his lack of enthusiasm. So the main points for him:
1- ignore the behaviors that you don't want to happen
2- don't remind
3- invite, don't direct

I tried something with Toby today that worked well. It is not really in line with PonT, but maybe a good transition tool. I needed the house picked up in anticipation of the cleaning person, and Toby had belongings all over the house - due to my Not Interfering all week. At Family Meeting, I told everyone I needed help with this today. I asked Toby if he would like a list of what I want him to do, and he said yes. I wrote down everything of his that I saw in each room, and he worked steadily, crossing things off as he went. Afterwards, I asked him how this strategy worked for him, and he agreed that it was better than my telling him each item, which feels much more like nagging. We also made a date for a game of Othello after the clean-up, and got to have a little one-on-one time.