Activating Events

Now I am trying to find a balance between doing and saying nothing, and having a livable household. I was keenly aware of how many times I reminded Toby to clean up after himself in the past couple of days. Choosing not to clean up after him was not as hard. He did come to me in his underwear this morning, distressed that he had no pants to wear. I asked him what he was going to do about that, and he said he didn't know. I offered a couple of options to consider (because this is brand-new to him): wear dirty pants or try to figure out if he had time to do laundry before he had to leave. Then we found a lone clean pair in the back of the closet, so his distress disappeared. I said, "what are you going to do tomorrow?" He asked me to do the laundry, and I said, "how about if we do it together after school?" He was agreeable to that (and I think relieved that he wasn't going to have to do it alone). Later, Dan asked me if he should put the kids' wash in, and when I told him Toby and I had a date to do it, he said not knowing what is okay to do means he won't be able to do as many chores...

Hazel threw a wipe-up cloth at me after her meal and I caught it - she said "good catch, Mom!" I thought that was kind of cute and told Dan about it, and he asked me what I did next. "Nothing." "So it's okay for her to throw if you catch it?" I responded no, that I am trying to ignore the behaviors that I do not want to see. It seems like he doesn't remember some of the basic stuff from watching the Home Program last year - and he's not so motivated to relearn it now. I think there are definitely Activating Events for him that he truly believes need an immediate, big response - that the possibility of rethinking the situation seems pointless, because of course this is the kind of response those behaviors need. I have been trying more and more, when I feel my tension building and my patience dwindling, to remove myself and take a breather - or to ask myself whose problem it is really going to be if the situation escalates (usually not mine). A big activating event for me is when everyone is asking me to do things for them, one after another, faster than I can fulfill the requests - if I don't lose it, I at least get pissed off and bitchy. Huge messes that are getting worse by the moment. Rudeness, especially to strangers. Doing "want-to" stuff before "have-to" stuff. Not saying and kissing hello and goodbye - this doesn't send me through the roof but it makes me feel like something is incomplete, makes me feel viscerally uncomfortable. Thoughtlessness about safety, especially Hazel's - huge one. This is the one that interferes with some training and allowing skill-building, I am just so fearful of the kids getting hurt (like last night when Toby was using the V-slicer without any adult helping or even aware, or when he climbed up on a chair that Hazel was already standing on, while he was holding a knife).

So...
What will it take for my kids to take care of their own needs, as able? (working on it)
What will it take for my kids to clean up after themselves?
To be polite?
To fulfill their responsibilities?
To be mindful of safety?
To consider other people's feelings?

We have been Appreciating these things in Family Meetings, as they occur. The way I decided to try to foster gratitude since the holidays is to be very intentional about thank-yous and you're welcomes - to look the child in the eye with attention each and every time either of us says those things, to really mean it every single time. Hazel has been spontaneous and generous with these (and please, excuse me, and sorry) on her own, but Toby rarely says these things without prompting. It seems like he has started using those more on his own over the past few weeks - I have high hopes for next December!

That's a tiny chip in the Big Picture. I think we're modelling all these things regularly, but somehow we have to hand over the control of when and how and whether those things happen, to them.