The very beginning

Wow - I have so much to say already since the show last night. The Useless Behaviors that I wrote down have changed a bit since the last time I did this, several months ago. Which I guess means Toby's behavior is much more pleasant than it used to be. And now that Hazel is older, she has a few on there that I'm not just assuming have to be a part of how a 2-year-old lives. Here they are, for interest: Toby - melodramatic crying, rudeness/bossiness, messiness, being mean (trying to hurt, especially), dawdling/getting distracted. The rudeness is pretty minor, not obnoxious, just like saying "get me such-and-such" instead of asking for it politely. Being mean is also very minor, pushing sister or grabbing something from her - nothing really dangerous or malicious. The messiness is constant and in many different manifestations - clothes, school papers, food, toys. Things that have improved over the past few months are arguing, interrupting, shrieking (although that's still on there), and being physically and mentally all over the place during meals. For Hazel - whining, crying, throwing things.

There's been change in the Interfering Strategies list too, since a few months ago. Time outs are GONE. Yelling was mostly gone for a couple of months, but over the holidays everybody fell into old patterns. My current list: reminding, suggesting, doing things for, yelling, snapping/snotty voice/getting exasperated, giving food options (do you want this? this? how about this?), scolding, protecting/warnings (be careful of...), mediating between siblings.

So my goals for the week are IGNORE the things in the first paragraph, STOP the things in the second paragraph. I did ask about The Other Parent and Vicki said that each individual who uses (or doesn't use) the Program techniques shapes their own relationship with the child. I can see that (and that has been my attitude toward grandparents behavior) - but I think that if Dan doesn't follow through, the negative behaviors will still exist in my home, even if they are more directed at him because he gives a response. We'll see.

So this morning was very interesting. Toby has a list of 8 things that he has agreed he will do each school morning, and he's been doing very well with it over the past couple of months with some reminding but not a lot. Here it is:
1. put away pajamas
2. get dressed
3. eat breakfast
4. clear dishes and push in chair
5. check for clothes on the floor, into laundry basket
6. brush teeth
7. make bed
8. pack backpack

The ones that he does very reliably are 2, 3, 6, 7, and 8. This morning my mother was visiting - terrible timing, I know, but unavoidable. Toby also has an evening list like this, which he is also mostly on top of. Both of these go totally to hell when anyone is visiting us, because of course they are so much more interesting than routine. Our agreement for the morning is that if he has extra time left after his checklist is completed, he can use that time however he wants - for TV or computer, or whatever. So this is what happened today... It is a little complicated by the fact that he broke his toe last week, but he's been doing everything and taking Tylenol just a couple of times a day.

We usually wake up as a family, we sleep in two rooms right next to each other. So Toby got up on time, got himself dressed, went to the dining room. I was busy making my breakfast and some for Hazel. He said, "I'm hungry." I said, "Me too." And he just sat there (I have been making his breakfast until now but he knows not this week). Later he said, "I'm hungry" again, and I asked him what he was going to eat. He asked me what he should eat, so I said, "Go look and find something that you want." He decided he wanted peanut-butter honey strips. He asked me to make it and I told him I am not supposed to do things for him this week. He fell to the floor and literally dragged himself, belly down, across the kitchen, saying his toe hurt too much to walk to get the bread. He hopped on his good foot to get it off the counter and to get it onto a plate on the counter. By the time he got the PB and honey, he had given up the drama and just made the food, very successfully, brought it to the table and ate it. Then Hazel wanted to do the same. I asked her to get a slice of bread and a plate, which she brought to the counter. I gave her a knife with PB on it and she smeared it around. She spread the honey and used the scissors to cut the strips, with help. She did not eat any of it.

Toby also got himself a drink. Then, while I was getting dressed, my mother started reading him a book in the dining room - alarm, alarm!! That is not supposed to happen until the checklist is done! But she doesn't know that and I was not going to say anything to him. He has a timer that I set so he knows how much time he has left before he has to go out to the bus, and when it alarms, we go out. I tried to trust that he would be able to use his timer like he always does to manage his morning. But having a Grandma around really throws a wrench into the system.

Time went by - it was a long book. When he had 10 minutes left and had only done #2 and #3, I couldn't help myself, I went in and said, "Gee, that's a long book." He seemed to snap to attention, checked his timer, and ran off leaving my mom in mid-sentence, yelling "I have to get ready!" Now two more things happened where adult behavior interfered with his being successful. Dan was trying to fix a broken sliding shelf, and invited Toby to come see what he was doing. I was getting more and more tense, and said, "it's five to eight, I don't think it's the best time for that." But they went ahead with it. Then Toby quickly brushed his teeth and ran to pack his lunch into his backpack. While he was doing that, Dan asked him if he was going to try to wear his regular shoe today, instead of the one with the cut-out toe that he has been wearing since he broke his toe. Then Dan said to me that he was going to do one piece of reminding, and told Toby that he should bring the cut-out shoe to school in case his foot starts to hurt. I said that he hadn't even decided which he was going to wear yet. Then Dan said, "I'm going to pack this in your backpack for you," and he tied it up in a plastic bag. It's like a classic Vicki example. And it gets better. So then the timer goes off and Toby is frantically trying to get his socks on and looking for his shoes. Dan asked him about the regular shoe, and he said, "I don't have time to decide! I want the cut-out shoe! Why is it all tied up in this bag?" So he got it out and got it on and they went out to the bus and he made it, with his coat, backpack, and lunch. Whew.

My heart was racing and I was all worked up. So aggravated that the poor kid was trying so hard and obstacles were thrown in his way. Of his 8-item list, he usually does 6-8, and today he got 4 of them done. Not too bad, considering. So bravo for him. Any lesson there for Dan? I don't know.

As I calmed myself down, I realized (again) that I get all stressed out and anxious about things that are not my problem. The worst thing that could have happened was he missed the bus. I was driving downtown this morning anyway, for Hazel's music class at 9:30. If I drove him into school when we were ready, he would be late, but I wouldn't have to make the decision whether or not I was going to drive him. Really not a big deal. I had already learned this and for a while was doing really well at separating myself from my children having to experience negative consequences of their choices. I guess just too much pressure this morning and I got distracted from the real goals by all the static of the other adults in the house! Goal: when I feel myself getting tense, stressed, frustrated, angry - STOP and re-examine why - whose problem will it really be?

Way too much for one morning before 8 o'clock!