Recital Day

It feels like it has been a huge day. We had our Family Meeting this morning, and an established rule for our meetings is Nothing on the Table. Anything has become a distraction, something to fight over, etc. But of course today the table was covered with dishes, food, and other random junk. So I told Toby that we had to clean the table before the meeting. He asked if I would help him, and I said I would put away Hazel's things and family things (about 3 items). He cleared his dishes and toys. When everything was off the table but it still had a lot of food on it, I said maybe we didn't need to wipe it, we just needed the space. He laughed and said, "Of course we need to wipe it." When I invited him to do it, he said he didn't want to, that he had cleared the dishes. My response was that they were all his dishes and this looked like all his food, as it was all around his place at the table. He started to cry and stormed away, yelling, "that's too much work for one person!" I called after him loudly, "I agree with you." He came back, looking at me curiously. I repeated that I agreed with him that it was too much work for one person, and asked him who he thought usually does it. When he didn't answer, I said that I usually did it and I thought it was too much for one person too - and that's why I need his help all the time. I said that was one part of why we were doing DNSN Week, so he could see what happens when I am not cleaning up after everyone all the time. Then I wiped the table, to show that we are in this together. He seemed to hear me, and got ready for Meeting. I could not have been more thrilled that it came out of his mouth first!

At our family meeting, I appreciated Toby for being an amazingly good sport about DNSN week. I acknowledged all the new things he's done and learned this week, and how little resistance he displayed. And I thanked him.

For our family Appreciations, Hazel (yes, she does them too) usually appreciates me for breastfeeding her, and Dan and Toby for watching videos with her. Today she said she had fun with me during her bath, and Had fun playing a game with Daddy. She didn't say anything for Toby and he couldn't think of anything for her. I offered that if they could come up with something together that they had done that they enjoyed, then they could each use it as their Appreciation for the other. After a little while, Toby decided that making pumpkin bread together was fun, and she agreed.

As there were no problems on the Problem List, we joked about what a perfect family we are (ha, ha).

Toby was looking for a plate and said, "there are no plates! There are no cups!" I told him that's because they were all piled up dirty on the counter. He asked why no one washed them and I said it's DNSN Week. He took a plate out of the dishwasher and said, "this looks pretty clean."

Later, I told him I needed to go to the library to return my books and asked if he wanted to come. His books are now over a week late. He said no. When it was time for me to leave, I asked again. He asked me why I was going, and I told him because I didn't want my books to be late, because I didn't want to pay a fine. He asked if I would return his books and I said, "if you come with me." He chose not to. When I got home I told him I had thought more about it, and since the fine is so small that is not really why I want to get them back in time. I want to get them back because that is the agreement I've made with the library and I want to keep my agreement. This conversation made me realize that motivators which seem self-evident to me may not be relevant to him.

Today was Toby's first-ever piano recital. We did read over the instruction sheet and he asked if his clothes looked sloppy. I pointed out some of his breakfast on his shirt. Before we left, he changed into a clean shirt with a collar ("like Daddy wears to work") - whew. He was the first performer at the recital and made a few mistakes - he hasn't practiced in a few days (despite some hopefully subtle encouragement). Again we had to overrule DNSN to stay through the whole show, to be respectful of the other musicians. I did tell him that if he couldn't be quiet, he would have to leave the room, although we were staying for the whole thing. Out in the public arena, DNSN is barely conceivable.

It was thrilling for me to see him up there. My mother had asked me how I was going to congratulate him if I couldn't praise. What I told her, and what I did, was ask lots of questions - what was it like up there in front of so many people? How did you feel like it went? Would you do it again? Would you do everything the same? I said I was so glad he enjoyed it. He was pleased and proud. It was so hard to keep the other stuff from coming out of my mouth!!

I have also been thinking about what Vicki said on the show last week about parents choosing to get down into a tantrum with their child. It connects to my ambivalence about when and how to respond to Hazel's crying. My intuitive response is to comfort, console, sometimes try to fix the problem, and at the very least keep a sort of vigil. Now that I have been consciously removing myself from tantrums and crying episodes, I see that my belief about it is: staying present with my child while they are having a rough time shows them I care about them, that I will not abandon them or push them away if I don't like their behavior. And this puts me in a delicate position of trying to gauge each episode for its authenticity, or its manipulative potential.

And the main event of the day... CLEAN-UP!! Toby agreed to take on cleaning the kitchen as his contribution for this week, and he got a crash course this afternoon. I told him that we needed to clear everything off the counter and table surfaces so we could clean them, and each thing we take off belongs somewhere. Then he was in charge of deciding where things belonged (garbage, cabinet, dishwasher, playroom, etc.). We all worked on it together and it took a long time. I suddenly felt the whole week of suppressing my disgust and intolerance for mess, rearing back up at me - so I wasn't entirely jovial throughout the process, I got a little desperate to get everything accomplished. The kitchen and dining room were such big jobs that we decided no more cleaning for today. We all congratulated each other a a good, big job done and gave hugs. To wrap up the experience, we talked a bit about now that DNSN is over, what can we agree Toby will do for himself and what will we agree to help him with. It felt substantial and I have high hopes for some of it sticking with him.