Spitting? Really?

Okay, so I'd been reluctant to blog about this because I found it so very distasteful: about a week ago, Toby seemed to have taken up spitting as a new habit. He was initially just doing it in the backyard, and it rapidly escalated to being fairly constant when outdoors. I was trying hard not to nourish it with attention, but I did think it was possible that he just might not know how gross people generally think this is. I said something mild after the first couple of days to the effect of "people usually don't like to see someone spitting.". I asked how he started with it, and he said he has too much saliva. I asked what he did in school to manage that, and I think he said he spits in the sink. It continued, and then I heard him do it in the house. Being carefully calm, I told him that I absolutely did not want any spitting in my house, it is disrespectful to the other people there, and if he needed to, then he could spit into the sink or a tissue. I asked if he understood and agreed, and he said yes. Yesterday he spit on Hazel. I was furious. She was upset. She got over it quickly but I certainly did not.

I gave Toby no reaction. I told Dan privately, and he said he thought a punishment was in order. I said no, we're not doing that any more, and I needed to think it over. A bit later he came to me suggesting we make Not Spitting a responsibility that goes with a privilege, like seeing friends. Yes, perfect, fits with my P&R plan exactly. Except Dan wanted to implement it immediately. I also felt a very urgent need for an immediate fix for this situation - but felt very unsettled about rushing headlong into something when we were upset, that we hadn't calmly planned out in a logical sequence. Dan had the kids himself yesterday afternoon, so he had a general conversation with T about the behaviors he considers the responsibilities of being with friends (which they were going to do). I don't know how he actually laid it out, but he said Toby did great and no spitting at all. Dan and I talked more about it last night, with the plan that I would introduce the formal P&R today. "Treating people respectfully" is one of the Rs of playing with friends.

This is what happened instead: we made plans to take Toby's friend out this afternoon, as part of her birthday gift. I asked Toby what he thought the Rs of this outing were. He said, "good behavior.". I asked what that meant and he responded, "no running, no spitting, no hurting?". That sounded great to me, so I specified no hurting of bodies or feelings, and gave him a thumbs-up. We had a great afternoon, he was perfect, and even used some of his money to buy his friend an extra snack and a souvenir.

Was he just testing out limits? I felt great that we dealt with this in a non-punitive way, thoughtfully instead of instantly with emotion. As anything, I'm sure it's not gone, but I think approaching Toby respectfully about it helped so much. I also felt that Dan and I worked together, we were each able to hear the other's needs in how we wanted to manage it.