Respecting autonomy, promoting respect

I saw today another way PonT has altered how I handle situations with my children. Toby decided that he doesn't want to take piano lessons anymore. Previously, I would have felt disappointed and annoyed, and tried to cajole him into continuing to the end of the school year. I might have talked about how much his grandfather wants him to play, so they could enjoy doing it together. It is possible I might have tried to negotiate a deal to bribe him into continuing. I would certainly have told the teacher, apologetically and sheepishly.

But no more! This time around (we did this last year as well) I asked Toby what brought him to his decision. We figured out together that he has followed this pattern before: he gets frustrated when he advances in an activity to the point that it becomes difficult for him, and he opts to stop. I respected his choice and told him we would find out about the withdrawal policy. I asked him if he had thought about how he was going to tell his teacher. Today at the lesson, he told her himself. We gave the required 30-days' notice, and he agreed to continue to attend his lessons until that time is up. Afterwards, I asked about how it felt to talk with the teacher about his decision (a little scared), and I shared a story of a time I felt nervous about telling someone something I thought they might not like. Needless to say, a completely different experience. I am still a little sad, but didn't take it out on him. Now it occurs to me that if he doesn't want to go to the lessons we have to pay for, he can pay us back for them.

Maybe this next topic falls into the Training category - at Parent-Teacher conference yesterday, Toby's teacher expressed some concern that he is critical of other students and insensitive to their feelings about his comments. I initiated some conversation with him about different ways to communicate, and people feeling hurt or embarrassed by criticism. It wasn't clear how much he got what I was talking about. This evening he said something to Hazel like, "You're not doing it right! Do it like this." I said, "Wait! Let's look at that, what you just said." I showed him how he was telling her she was wrong and telling her what to do. I asked him how he could help her or show her, without those components. He tried saying it another way, and I gave him some observations about what he said. Then I offered a couple of ideas about how to communicate how he thought it should be done, with leading questions or sharing his experience - actually, the Art of Encouragement! Chipping away at rudeness, encouraging respect and consideration, trying to provoke thoughtfulness about the topic instead of just telling him what to do or not do. I also recommended extra carefulness when correcting an adult (the teacher was a bit offended that he had corrected her, on occasion!).