Oops

This morning I arrived home from early yoga at just about 8 o'clock, when Toby is supposed to go outside for the bus. He's usually gone by the time I get back, or I just catch him at the end of the driveway for a quick kiss goodbye. When I came inside, everyone was hanging out in the kids' room. I said hello - Toby didn't clue in to my presence as a sign that it was time for the bus to come. I looked to Dan behind Toby, and he mouthed to me that Toby hadn't asked for the timer, so he hadn't set it. Oops! My fault, I guess I never really communicated to Dan that I had taken the remembering to set the timer off my list of ambitions for Toby for the time being. I took action: "hey, aren't you usually about to get on the bus when I get back from yoga?"
"Yes, what time is it?"
"Eight o'clock."
"Is it time to go out?"
"Yes."
"Now?"
"Yes."
Ensuing mad flurry and panic, but he made it. He hadn't hung his backpack on the doorknob like he usually does, so he ran outside without it, then back again running and nearly in tears. When I asked him later what happened, he said "I forgot to use the timer." So although remembering it himself has not been the expectation, he claimed it, didn't blame Dad for not setting it. Interesting.

Flockmother posted a pearl of wisdom from the weekend workshop with Vicki: the child you least want to hug is the one who needs it most (or something like that). That has stuck with me and reminded me, when furious and frustrated, to take a step back and reconsider how to handle the situation. That has been very helpful - it has helped me maintain an approach guided by love and respect, even when those are not my most prominent feelings *ahem*.

I have made some choices about how to continue through this process in a balanced way that I can follow longer-term than anything like DNSN. For now, I sometimes offer Toby a written list of the things I would like him to do - which he so far cheerfully accepts and fulfills. I use this when there are just too many things and it's making me nuts. If the children clean up any food or kitchen mess but not to my standards, I wait until they are somewhere else and then I do what I want to be done. I do not clean up after them anywhere else in the house, and I do not clean up food if they haven't put forth some effort already. It just feels better to me to build in some flexibility with the guidelines - to be able to be generous when they are really struggling with something, but without undermining their own success. It feels like softening some of the harsh edges just a little.