P&R Strategy

I finally got serious about Privileges and Responsibilities. I took the lists that I posted a couple of weeks ago (here, and here), and marked for myself which R's Toby is already fulfilling, and which need to be implemented. For some of them, I chose how long each Privilege would take to be earned. Most importantly, I discovered that Toby is already fulfilling all the R's for deciding when to go to bed, having bedtime snuggling, and using my iPhone. Prepared with all this information, I initiated a conversation with him about the whole topic. His willingness to be involved in this discussion increased when I clearly stated that I was not about to give him more jobs to do (so he does have some idea what it's all about!).

To begin, I asked him what the words Privilege and Responsibility meant to him, did he understand what I meant by those words? No. "Is a privilege like a contribution? A responsibility is something someone tells you to do." I gave a bunch of examples, and asked him what he thought the R's of using the iPhone were. He immediately said "No throwing, sit on the floor," our requirements for Hazel to use it. Interestingly, he also said finishing his checklist. I offered handling it carefully and giving it back when asked, and then said it seemed like he had been doing all those things without any difficulty, that he had earned that privilege. He seemed pleased and proud, and also to relax a bit more, like he began to trust that this wasn't going to be a scolding. I asked him about the other P's that I feel he's already earned, and let him know what he's been doing to show me that he can handle them. It seemed like this conversation gave him a better understanding of the whole concept, as well as a good shot of Capable. He laughed when I gave an example of my using the computer all day to the point of not buying groceries, making dinner, doing the laundry, or taking him to piano lessons - what over-using a privilege without meeting my responsibilities would look like. And he completely understood when I asked if he knows how I get grumpy and grouchy sometimes when I haven't gotten enough sleep - not meeting my responsibility to set my own bedtime. Using humor and strokes really opened him up to be receptive to the conversation.

Then I brought up what happened with his clothes this week: he wore one shirt for 72 hours. Yes, folks, that's three school days in a row. So I pointed that out to him the other night and let him know that I would choose his clothes for yesterday and today. At this point in the P&R discussion, I asked him how many days in a row he thought he should wear clean clothes to school, to show me he can handle the privilege of picking his own. Together we settled on 5 days, starting next Monday, with the understanding that a dirty clothes day sets us back to Day 1. Demonstrating the R and using the P are the same thing in this scenario, so for any dirty clothes day I will pick his clothing for the next day. He doesn't have any clothes that he really hates, but there are some he does not want to wear and those are my picks. He changed into something else this morning, saying the shirt I picked didn't feel good. I didn't bully him into wearing it, just said, "I don't know how your clothes feel to you, that's why you might want to be able to choose yourself." I am hoping he is motivated to do this, that he doesn't see the loopholes, and that it's an easily achievable success for him to get under his belt. Then I will move on to the areas that are more challenging.

I also looked back to the lists I made during the Timeline for Training week, of skills our kids do independently, with prompting, and the skills they need to learn. If we can gradually move through the inventory of P&Rs, building on the skills in the Rs, then that will make a major left-shift on my lists, moving several things from List 2 to List 1. Some of the P's have overlapping R's (cleaning up, manners) so I am strategizing using them as stepping stones for each other. My feeling is that we just have to go slowly, one thing at a time - so he doesn't get overwhelmed and frustrated, and I don't get stressed and less-than-encouraging. Once all the R's for the pre-existing P's have become routine, the entire approach should be much simpler and more straightforward.