Privilege: picking your own clothes

Hazel brought her own dish into the kitchen after dinner the past two nights, without being asked. Toby had been doing it with her or for her for the past week or so.

About the bloody pants: I started out with some general questions about how Toby decides if something is dirty enough to put in the laundry, how he chooses what to wear each day, etc. Mostly "I don't know" responses, so I offered some information about how I make those decisions. Later I asked him if he liked choosing his own clothes each day, and he said he did. I asked how it would be if I picked what he had to wear, and he said, "bad." Then I told him that the way to avoid that is by wearing clean clothes to school each day, but that if he was wearing dirty clothing to school, then I would start picking for him. I asked if he thought that was reasonable and if he agreed to it, which he did. I framed these as the P and R of being mature enough to make one's own decisions. But I have to say, it does feel like a kind of manipulation or forcing - just like creating a barricade to any movement with "as soon as..." can also feel. I have been so pleasantly surprised lately, though, at how well he's been remembering to do certain things, like getting his piano books into the car Wednesday mornings, or setting his timer when he goes to use the computer.

I have noticed several areas that used to be real sticking points for me, that I have been able to surrender control of - and now these things no longer concern me very much.
1 - how often and how thoroughly Toby bathes
2 - whether he brings his mittens to school
3 - what time he goes to bed
4 - how many sweet drinks he has (not including soda)
5 - if his clothes are backwards or inside-out
6 - if he wears the same thing to school the next day (as long as it's not too filthy)
I also listen to other mothers talking about how they struggle over so many things like this, and I feel like they are just torturing themselves.

What will it take for Hazel to lie down and stay in bed? I have no idea. Bedtime is a disaster, I can't even talk about it.